Can I have opinions on checking phone messages / browsing history etc for young teenagers ?

[rumgy]

My dd Is just 13.
She had a phone on the understanding that she does not have it at night. I check the messages / history etc but it is set up with restrictions / passwords so she can't access explicit stuff Or download stuff without me knowing
.
I feel I need to keep an eye but it feels kind of wrong and an invasion of privacy to look through the messages. Mostly harmless teenage stuff and lots and lots and lots of tedious messages. I have never seen anything to really worry about.
She hates me taking the phone at night time but I know she will be on it until the early hours otherwise.

What age do you still look at their phone ? What age can they be trusted to have privacy ? Do you look at their messages / Instagram etc ?

utter bollocks rosita, sorry

I agree Rosita, if you feel the need to check then by all means do it, however if you don't feel the need( I certainly don't, never have and never will) then don't. Mine are 16, 18 and 21... If I say so myself I've done a bloody good job with them, if my parenting style is different to anyone else's who cares? Yours wouldn't work for me, mine wouldn't work for you.

dont let them have a smartphone was my solution to this.

I did look at dd's fb once when she left it open on my laptop, she was 13 at the time, and guess what I found sleazy messages from some 22 year old...

I think I really scared him. lol.

No - I'm not that over protective.

Rosita that is so true all the parents on here who 'check' their kids messages religiously musnt realise they probably delete half of them

funny how smug some people are....

well mine didn't delete hers, that's how I discovered she was being groomed

I wouldn't dream of checking my DCs phones. It would be a massive invasion of their privacy.

Then you live with possibility of a police raid for certain images on your child's phone, and no I'm not implying your child looks at porn (although they do) but a pic of a selfie in a bikini can be illegal.

You also live with the possibility of credit cards / loans being taken out in your child's name and not being paid.

As for deleting messages www.androidpit.com/how-to-recover-deleted-text-messages

And snap chat doesn't delete images, i changes the file extension to ignore but the image is still there.

Knowing that you check can be very useful, it means the child may not visit certain sites (yes I know they might at a friend's) or if they come across something that disturbs them they don't have to actually tell you.

I've just discovered my two teenage DSs are looking at porn on their phones. I have everything locked down at home but they do this out of the house. I found out because they have both racked up big mobile bills (obviously) and I checked their browsing history. 13 year old is searching for quite hardcore stuff. Older one seems content with tits and bums. I'm horrified. I really have a problem with porn and whilst I know this is normal teenage wank behaviour I'm really struggling. The mobile bills are one thing. The disrespect for women is another. I'm a single mum and their dad made it clear when we were together and they were younger that he wasn't prepared to have anything to do with this kind of thing. I've tried to initiate a friendly conversation about how what you see online isn't real, the exploitation of sex workers etc.... But they just go bright red and scuttle off. Should I ignore it? I've switched data roaming and mobile data off on their phones and told them that if they go over their allowances again the phones will go... Boys huh?

liberated, have that talk, never mind if they go red, they need to hear it.
You are not alone, I am horrified by this 'porn generation'. they need to hear that exploitative sex, anal, and shaved... women is not normal.

for anyone who doesn't check phones can I ask you to Google ronan hughes. m.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/ronan-hughes-heartbroken-parents-say-their-son-would-still-be-alive-if-police-had-acted-quicker-31305962.html
ronan was a happy 17 year old boy who met a "girl" online and eventually shared explicit images with her. "she" was a Nigerian gang who blackmailed him for money, threatening to send the images to his friends. He did the right thing and approached his parents and the police. but he couldn't cope when a friend received a link to the pictures and he took his own life. This is only weeks ago and his parents are launching a new campaign about online safety. RIP ronan xxx

This is an invasion of privacy, how do you expect her to trust you if you show her no trust. Strongly disagree with your approach

I have a 14 and 12 year old. We have an agreement that I will check their phone if I am worried about them but otherwise they are free to privacy, I have checked them both a couple of times as there was a change in their behaviour and it turns out that they needed support from me.

We also have an agreement that I check DS phone if I notice any change in his behaviour or I am worried about him. He is only allowed the phone on the understanding I can check it if needed.

We've spoken about Internet safety but he has still on occasion been silly and posted identifying details to people he thought he knew. Luckily nothing bad has happened but I think it's important to be vigilant, the same as I take an interest in the rest of his life without being intrusive. It's about balance.

My friend didn't used to check her child's ipad/iphone until she found out he had been kicked off a popular kids gaming forum for soliciting sex, with anyone.

Never actually got very far, but friend checked his messages & had a HUGE wake up call.

Apparently they are "close" and he tells her everything, too!

I was a 'very sensible' teenager in everyone's eyes. In the 90s when it was all still quite new I spent hours and hours on an early version of chatrooms. At the age of 14/15, I met up with three different guys who I had met online, all of whom were in their twenties.

I am remarkably lucky; these men were all fairly harmless (which is what I assumed at the time as by the time I met up with them we had been chatting online for months and months) but it could have been so different.

In every other respect I was an extremely well-behaved, trustworthy teenager who usually bored my entire family wittering on about every small aspect of my day. This was my only secret and my parents didn't have a clue.

Liberated, mine are very young so I may be way off, but the way my brother's school would have dealt with this would be an essay. You dont tell them what's bad about the porn industry, they have to tell you. In a 1000 word essay. If they dont want to, fine, you cancel their contracts. Saves you having to get all sanctimonious. And if they think they are old enough to look at porn, they can think about the implications, which include implications for the workers as well as an embarressing conversation with Mum.

If you worry when they are out and about, you can get this app and know they are safe: pomsafety.com/

I have 2 DD 15 and 14. I don’t ever look through their phones, I trust them to make the right decisions in the messages they send etc and they know they can come to me if they are in a situation they can’t handle. I think it’s important to allow your kids to have some privacy

every parents different, we live in a world bad people can now access our kids in their own home.
I’d be more inclined to check the kids Facebook messages, particularly the hidden ones like other and message resquests than I would their phones. Believe me I found two adults trying to talk to my daughter that way, I didn’t know them and my daughter certainly wouldn’t, so a wee heads up to all parents please check social media esp other messages!
just tell your kid if anyone adds her on her phone she doesn’t know she must tell you immediately, you have to trust she’s sensible and it does work both ways

My 15 year old DD would be on her phone all night. Her phone & ipad are old and have had locks on them since she had them (3 years ago?) and they stay in our room every night from 10 pm.
Last Xmas she wanted a laptop and was very unhappy when we talked about locks on that too. In the end we agreed that there would be no blocks or filters of any kind, but that we would get a regular report listing the sites she has visited. This has worked well for us (so far)....
Good luck all. It's a minefield!

She’s 13 she’s growing up, you need to give her that freedom and privacy to do so, sadly they don’t stay young forever but she needs to have her own space

I don't deliberately check phone, but if I get a slightest whiff of anything inappropriate, phone goes to pawnbrokers

Couldn’t imagine doing that, teenagers need their privacy and I believe my kids were responsible enough not to make the wrong decisions