Can I have opinions on checking phone messages / browsing history etc for young teenagers ?

[rumgy]

My dd Is just 13.
She had a phone on the understanding that she does not have it at night. I check the messages / history etc but it is set up with restrictions / passwords so she can't access explicit stuff Or download stuff without me knowing
.
I feel I need to keep an eye but it feels kind of wrong and an invasion of privacy to look through the messages. Mostly harmless teenage stuff and lots and lots and lots of tedious messages. I have never seen anything to really worry about.
She hates me taking the phone at night time but I know she will be on it until the early hours otherwise.

What age do you still look at their phone ? What age can they be trusted to have privacy ? Do you look at their messages / Instagram etc ?

sorry ItsAllKicking, I misread your post. We seem to agree on the whole, although I maintain that talking about the different sites and how they can be misused doesn't make much difference in my experience. Then there's all the site you may have never heard off.

My DD is now 14 and I will carry on checking her phone for as long as I pay for it. I will also maintain the phone curfew and the no internet access in bedroom rule as long as I can, certainly as long as she lives at home and goes to school.

*all the sites

So you would check a 16/17/18 year olds phone?

yes I would

No, I wouldn't check that age. I would hope they'd got the message that you need to be careful on the internet by that age.

its what they are doing OFF the internet that should worry you too though! ;)

Usual
DM

Wish they'd just keep diaries hidden behind their wardrobes like we had to do. Be much simpler

I don't check.
I guess I concentrate on telling them horror stories instead, about things people shared online that they shouldn't have or nasty jerks who masqueraded as a nice fellow teen. It keeps lines of communication open.
Anyone want to share horror stories here, please do.

We do have 6 forms of parental filtering going, mind, on house Wifi.

but filtering won/'t spot grooming, will it? Or bullying on snapchat? Or anything else teens worry us with?

My DD has just turned 13 and has had a phone since she was 11y, ready for starting secondary school. She knew from the start that the agreement of having a phone with email, test and social media was that I had full access to all, and all her passwords. I was also to be her "friend" on social media. She knows that she should only write things she would be happy for her mum to see - and that I am techy enough to see if/when messages are missing, etc - it is obvious when something is missing ime.

I don't check that often these days tbh. Can't remember last time I felt the need or did do it. It was always inane daft stuff mainly or just chit chat with mates.

However, by having that agreement it does mean that if I was ever concerned I could check and not feel bad.

I disagree with those who think it is wrong to look and actually pretty much all the online e-safety campaigns, etc do suggest parent having some control and being very aware.

And yes, they could set up secret ones - but again, we have had serious talks about this and the consequences of doing such. And as I have access, and a jointed iTunes account, it'd be quite tricky.

I also have a lot of e safety chats with DD and she is pretty clued up. She also teachers e safety to infant school aged children once a year - currently doing it all week this week infact - so feel she is quite aware of what why, how, etc.

Re privacy - well, she can do that face to face with her friends. She seems them most days. But then she trusts me to not be going hunting unnecessarily and I trust her to be sensible and open with me.

Obviously as she gets older this will need to be readdressed - but 13y is still very young.

That's interesting, Hermia. There's a boy on there with DS's name but def not DS. (and before anyone says anything about naivety, the details given are very different)

but filtering won/'t spot grooming, will it? Or bullying on snapchat? Or anything else teens worry us with?

Nope, filtering won't. On the other hand, Telling my kids stories about grooming will help them realise these things happen & that people online LIE about everything to do with themselves and their lives. As for bullying (I'll be flamed) but maybe the number one thing we can teach our kids is to log off or block the online eejits.

I was bullied in real life. The school called it a 'Rite of Passage' and my parents said it was normal. I couldn't walk away because nobody would recognise what it was. Whereas stopping online Bullying can be a simple short series of clicks away.

Bit puzzled by the certainty of all this. I don't check either of my dd's phones (14 and 12) not because I "trust" them because I don't particularly - well, I trust them reasonably on some things, a bit on others, and others not at all- but it just seems counter-productive. I just don't believe that we are protecting them this way. a) We won't be able to catch all their online activity b) the bad stuff happens in the real world as well. Creepy men propositioning them? Happens on the bus. Explicit sexual images? Friends' phones. etc etc To my mind the only real defence against all the bad stuff is them realising it's bad, and us helicoptering them to my mind makes that harder, not easier.
(Sits back and waits for torrent of abuse for being a negligent parent. )

I have a 13 year old boy and I check his occasionally. Not often, maybe once a month. He knows and doesn't care. It is part of the regulations if he wants to use the internet.

My DS was bullied online. He showed me the bullying messages though and we dealt with it.

He has also made some genuine online friends over the years. He's even met some of them.

He's not stupid. He knows that some people lie on the internet.

I never looked at ds phone although did look once on his fb when he was about 15 ish as I knew they were smoking cannabis at the local skate park and I knew he had tried it and was making sure it was nothing more than that. When he found out he wasn't happy but also understood the worry He has always been open about everything though so really I didn't need to I think it was my own suspicious mind really! After that never again I think 16 onwards its invasive

13 year olds aren't as tough as adults. They still have to learn self reliance (all the boys will like me if I post a topless photo) and a sense of what is untrustworthy (seedy adults pretending to be their friends). Peer pressure is extremely strong (see my first post about that "well behaved boy") and if they don't have a sense of being accountable, things can go seriously wrong.

I speak from experience. I am HAUNTED by the memory of certain teenagers I have known who have tragically slipped through the net of parental, school, community and social services' control. What do you do? You save the next one, and the next one...

we teach social media etiquette till we are BLUE in the face, or red.

i can tell you i see an ALARMING amount of kids texts at work and 'naice' kids say TERRIBLE things online

Teaching your kid it will NOT stop them doing it! very naiive

and the PORN

MY EYES

It might not stop some, but it will stop others. If a parent's left it too late to teach empathy and boundaries then doing an MI5 on their internet devices when they're 14 is unlikely to be successful.

They're trying stuff on for size, like we did.

Wow, some really mixed responses.
I still feel that I need to keep an eye on what is going on online and my dd needs to know that. I don't read all her messages as they are so tedious but will do random checks and of course if I have reason for concern.