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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Can I have opinions on checking phone messages / browsing history etc for young teenagers ?

150 replies

rumgy · 13/04/2015 20:37

My dd Is just 13.
She had a phone on the understanding that she does not have it at night. I check the messages / history etc but it is set up with restrictions / passwords so she can't access explicit stuff Or download stuff without me knowing
.
I feel I need to keep an eye but it feels kind of wrong and an invasion of privacy to look through the messages. Mostly harmless teenage stuff and lots and lots and lots of tedious messages. I have never seen anything to really worry about.
She hates me taking the phone at night time but I know she will be on it until the early hours otherwise.

What age do you still look at their phone ? What age can they be trusted to have privacy ? Do you look at their messages / Instagram etc ?

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 14/04/2015 20:56

Until ds pays for his own phone/ laptop etc then I will look now and again. I got quite a shock when I discovered he'd looked at porn sites when he was twelve- really had to have a chat then, glad I kept calm and didn't go in guns blazing, he was so shocked though that I knew anything about porn that the poor boy threw up!

LondonRocks · 14/04/2015 22:04

Belt and braces: warn them, inform them and check up now and then, while they're young.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 14/04/2015 22:59

Oh and phone to be left downstairs at bed time and that rule is one I'll happily keep in place until be leaves homes tbh!

GreenMouse · 15/04/2015 09:38

Do you know what catfishing is? If not, google it. That's what my dd was doing, when she was 12/13 years old. She caused a lot of upset. We had had the chats about online safety, cyberbullying, peer pressure, not putting anything online you might regret such as topless pictures etc. I am pretty tech savvy but it would have NEVER occurred to me my dd would be a catfish, especially as we watch the show on MTV and she knows how much distress it can cause. Didn't make a jot of difference. :(

GreenMouse · 15/04/2015 09:43

I should also add, she put herself seriously at risk by doing this and received some pretty unsavoury stuff.

Branleuse · 15/04/2015 09:48

I occasionally check my ds14 messages. Not regularly but i do sometimes.
He has SEN related social difficulties and weve had some discussions not only over people who i dont think were good friends to him, but also how he speaks to other people too. I do it less and less as he gets older

Mummybabyboo · 15/04/2015 09:51

Reading this with interested. Am also interested in what ages you guys allowed your children to first have phones/facebook etc. My eldest is only 6 but I have a sds that's had a phone since 8, well.... He smashed the first one and has lost the second one and it's yet to be replaced but I think 8 is too young. My DD now thinks she can have a phone for her 8th birthday because SDS did! I'm against it completely. But I'm a dinosaur. Now such things as phone and Internet in my childhood. Am I out of touch? is it now common place for 8 year olds to have them?

Gymbob · 15/04/2015 09:55

golly green, how upsetting for you all. I'm not 100% sure mine isn't a catfish either

Gymbob · 15/04/2015 09:57

but I do know she has lots of different email accounts she didn't tell me about

Sgtmajormummy · 15/04/2015 09:57

We have a calls-only one which we use as a house phone and which goes in DD(8)'s bag on days out and she knows how to phone me. That's it. When she starts walking to/from school alone it will be hers.

Gymbob · 15/04/2015 09:59

this is where we're at mummy isn't it why on earth would an 8 year old need a phone. I said no until she started secondary school, but it was hard to stick to it

GreenMouse · 15/04/2015 10:00

Mummybabyboo, my dd had her first phone when she started secondary school. I find that's generally when most of her friends got their first phone too.

Mummybabyboo · 15/04/2015 10:05

That makes sense to me, 11 Wouldnt be so bad, I do think I'd be one to check a lot, I dislike the Internet and phones very much, they are scary to me and appear to bring out the worst in people hiding behind a gadget.

GreenMouse · 15/04/2015 10:05

Yes Gymbob, my dd had multiple secret email addresse I did not know about. Everything she receives to her main, "official" address comes to my inbox aswell, and she must have got confused as I received a message that should have gone to one of the secret addresses. From there it was relatively easy to unravel the whole thing as she was using variations on the same easily guessable (for me!) password for all the accounts.

Gymbob · 15/04/2015 10:24

what a nightmare green, will delve a bit deeper me thinks. she has already been in bother for making threats by proxy, so that's a good way round it obviously

Slippersmum · 15/04/2015 14:42

When people say they check phones etc I am always interested in the concept. Anything they don't want us to see gets deleted straight away and I always bang on about snapchat!! Which is impossible to check up on. Unless you are an IT wizz it's so hard to really know what's going on on line. As some people have said some yp message horrific things to each other. If you are checking and they don't want you to see something you won't.

TheWordFactory · 15/04/2015 15:07

My DD is a complete over-sharer, so I've never needed to worry about her privacy .

But she does tell me and show me all manner of things that I think her friends' parents might not be so happy about; especially people snap chatting in the early hours of the morning.

GreenMouse · 15/04/2015 15:20

Yes of course Slippersmum you are right about things like snapchat and that other things might get deleted. However in my dd's case there was loads of stuff that she hadn't deleted, Skype messages for instance. Also a lot of the stuff was email to addresses that I wasn't supposed to know about so not deleted.

Slippersmum · 15/04/2015 15:40

I guess we are the first generation of parents dealing with this as an issue aren't we and its so tricky. But brilliant we have a forum to share ideas and support each other. There is a device (do not read on for those who think checking is an invasion of privacy) :-) that someone shared on here that hacks into IT devices so if you are worried about a specific issue you can get the whole picture. Not for the faint hearted!!

ElizabethHoover · 15/04/2015 15:58

Slipper. You'd think they would wouldn't you.

They don't!

notquiteruralbliss · 15/04/2015 22:17

I wouldn't dream of checking my DCs phones. It would be a massive invasion of their privacy.

GreenMouse · 16/04/2015 07:05

I think that's a mistake notquiteruralbliss, and I can only hope that you won't live to regret that decision. I used to think like you.

padkin · 16/04/2015 07:13

I completely agree with Hulababy - dd12 and ds11 have the same ground rules. Privacy is not an option. I am in charge of
safe-guarding my children. In reality I don't check often, but have full access.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/04/2015 07:18

I used to think like you not quite-lived to regret it.

PandorasToyBox · 16/04/2015 07:44

Why would no parent check their childrens phones/iPads/lap tops?

My dc's only have these devises because I allow it, I pay the bills I get to have complete access. No arguments!

This 'right to privacy' thing is not a right when they are still children with regards to this kind of technology. If they want something private then they do it good old fashioned way by direct communication, like we did as kids.

I remember the family phone being in the lounge where all could hear the conversation. I never pulled the 'right to privacy' card.

When they are 18 they will have all the privacy awarded to the adult status.

Really any parent that doesn't keep their eyes open on this issue is not doing their child any favours.

I have in the past investigated stuff for people, you should be astounded at how easy it is to get info online, also the amount of very damaged people who are not what they say they are.

It is our duty as the first generation of parents to be going through these issues to mark the line in the sand and to turn it into concrete.

My way of seeing it is our home and we (dp and I) invite who we like into it, be that irl or electronic energy.
You wouldn't just open your doors and let any old tom dick or Harry into your house? Your dc bedroom? At all times of the day?

Be vigilent and be aware is our moto

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