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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Can I have opinions on checking phone messages / browsing history etc for young teenagers ?

150 replies

rumgy · 13/04/2015 20:37

My dd Is just 13.
She had a phone on the understanding that she does not have it at night. I check the messages / history etc but it is set up with restrictions / passwords so she can't access explicit stuff Or download stuff without me knowing
.
I feel I need to keep an eye but it feels kind of wrong and an invasion of privacy to look through the messages. Mostly harmless teenage stuff and lots and lots and lots of tedious messages. I have never seen anything to really worry about.
She hates me taking the phone at night time but I know she will be on it until the early hours otherwise.

What age do you still look at their phone ? What age can they be trusted to have privacy ? Do you look at their messages / Instagram etc ?

OP posts:
fredabear · 14/04/2015 07:47

I do check occasionally, for the reasons already mentioned, and have put a stop to a couple of worrying conversations. No matter how much you may trust your own DC there are many many people out there who you can't trust and DC can't always spot them. I have also been surprised by some of the language used, by my own DC and their friends, behind the anonymity/non-reality of being online.

Sgtmajormummy · 14/04/2015 07:53

I am a "parents' representative" for my DS16 and his class, mostly boys. There were some problems earlier in the year with their main teacher (lack of respect, answering back, sometimes open hostility on both sides) which culminated in him refusing to take them on their school trip.
Feelings were running high. One parent tipped me off and told me to read their class whattsapp group messages, so I asked DS to show me. I WAS HORRIFIED!

The lack of control (self or parental) over what they were saying/writing and the speed at which homework solutions, rumours and downright secrets were passed around was unbelievable. They were hurling abuse at that teacher for "denying their rights" plus I had the pleasure of hearing my own child (generally regarded as one of the better behaved) telling his girl classmate on exchange in America to " go out and suck a few black **s instead of an icecream". Shock

All this because the parents respect their privacy. No! They are teenagers and notoriously lacking in self restraint and judgement. They still need our guidance and limits when using such a powerful tool/weapon as Internet. You are paying for their phone, presumably, so you have the right to ask what goes on. Allowing for teenage banter, of couse, but stopping dangerous situations for your child before they get out of control.

GreenMouse · 14/04/2015 07:53

I used to think the same about privacy and that my dd (12 at the time) was only chatting to friends until I came across something disturbing by chance, then unearthed all sorts of unpleasant stuff involving chatrooms. I won't go into detail but let's just say she put herself in a seriously risky situation. Now I do random checks. I'd urge everyone to check. From my experience it's not true that they'll delete everything they do not want you to see.

Gymbob · 14/04/2015 09:42

an invasion of privacy to check a teens phone? Grin Grin Grin you cannot be serious. anyone who doesn't monitor is not a responsible parent and also lazy. it takes effort to check, that's the problem. you think you know what your teen is up to? you trust them? how very naive Shock

my teen was groomed at 13 via her phone. and a 14yr old I know has been watching porn for 2 years Shock

get a grip of your teens, you have absolutely no idea what they are up to

dexter73 · 14/04/2015 09:49

Tbh I think you are being a bit naive to think that you know what your kids are up to by checking their phone and trusting them not to be hiding anything from you.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 14/04/2015 10:03

Well, duh, but we talk to them as well, maybe?

Gymbob · 14/04/2015 10:10

if you think they are telling you the truth you are even more naive. you are being very irresponsible not monitoring a teens usage

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 14/04/2015 10:15

Depends on the teen and what groundwork you've put in before re online interaction, bullying, unsuitable material and the sheer volume of fucked up filth that's only 2 clicks of a mouse away.

Gymbob · 14/04/2015 10:18

I disagree. peer pressure cancels all that out

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 14/04/2015 10:21

No it doesn't. Teenagers go through a lot of changes and can make stupid decisions but supervised access to the internet doesn't make them bullies, porn users or gobshites.

Sgtmajormummy · 14/04/2015 12:26

I am a very wary parent and have all the security in place. I also talk to my teen. However they are constantly bombarded with this tempting "box of delights" and now smartphones have brought it to their pockets.

They may not turn into the type of person you mentionKickingoff but they are very appetising fodder for those who are.

GreenMouse · 14/04/2015 14:10

How very insulting ItsAllKicking, to assume I haven't put in any groundwork in! I talk to my teen, we are very close or so I thought, she is a sensible and sensitive girl, we spoke at length about internet safety, grooming, cyberbullying etc. It was no help whatsoever. It could really happen to anyone.

Gymbob · 14/04/2015 14:29

itsallkicking. it appears safe to presume you have never had to deal with some of the situations the posters on this thread are talking about. unless your kids are living in a cave and never allowed out, they'll be just like everyone elses. opportunists.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 14/04/2015 15:06

What a horrible view of teenagers you have, Gymbob Sad

Not sure why you find it insulting, GreenMouse. I've advocated checking for younger teenagers, just as you have. It's not either/or, it's a continuing awareness, keeping up with what's out there and seeing how typical teenage boundaries can be tested.

Number42 · 14/04/2015 15:18

dd12's phone goes away at 9 to make sure she gets some sleep. But we don't look at it.

dexter73 · 14/04/2015 15:22

I think the continuing awareness of what is out there is very important ItsAllKickingOff. Some people I know seem to think that as long as they keep an eye on their kids FB page then they will know everything. They don't realise that now teens very rarely use FB and have moved on to other sites that they have never even heard of and which are also very difficult for them to monitor.

Gymbob · 14/04/2015 15:40

I'd say it's a realistic view

Sgtmajormummy · 14/04/2015 15:46

Food for thought:I think/hope we are all adults on this site, with reliable amounts of self control. Do we all treat it with moderation and maturity?

Imagine the same situation for a normally hormonal and curious 12 year old who probably has better computer skills than us. The possibilities and risks are endless...

gymboywalton · 14/04/2015 15:57

i check mine
and i am glad i do
we have had some very 'interesting' discussions on the back of it

LetticeKnollys · 14/04/2015 16:17

I am not a parent to a teen but I am in my 20s and the internet and social media was a big part of my life throughout my teenage years. I just scrolled through my Facebook 'other' messages to when I was in my teens and looking at the amount of chat up messages sent from middle aged men is frankly disgusting. I remember boys my own age asking me to strip on webcam as well, which I never did but obviously a lot of girls do and then their images get passed on without their consent as has been in the news lately.

Kids from school used to send things from 4chan around, as well as pranking people by sending them to shock sites with some very, very disturbing sexual imagery.

My parents didn't know any of this, they trusted me, and now as an adult I think they are very naive.

I'm not sure what the answer is, I just think ignoring the problem completely apart from just talking about internet safety isn't very responsible. I think adult content filters are a great idea, and checking messages too though I'm not sure where to draw the line as to how often/in what circumstances.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 14/04/2015 16:30

I go into what the different sites are and how they can be misused i.e. SnapChat - Bullies Charter, 4Chan - full of inadequates, like bathing in cold sick and phlegm.
Teenagers will always be drawn to the shocking, the disapproved of, the forbidden. You need to keep it low key rather than do a Shock face or issue ultimatums about internet usage, because they will find a way if you forbid it outright.
By 12 they're bored with the Internet Safety advice they get at school, so you need to put it in terms they understand, how it could be relevant to them in the here and now rather than how their online footprint could come back to bite them in the arse in the future.
Reserving the right to check a young teenager's phone etc at any time is just a small part of it, but not an unreasonable thing to do imo.

Gymbob · 14/04/2015 16:36

lovewhereilive, I have set all the devices to switch off automatically on the EE server. no arguments. they don't like it but they know when it will go off. its set later for weekends and holidays. neither of mine can self regulate unfortunately

Gymbob · 14/04/2015 16:40

you have illustrated my point perfectly lettice. and that was obviously a few years ago, golly Shock

Twirlwirlywoo · 14/04/2015 16:48

Yes do check!

Its an absolute must.

I trust my teens and have very good relationships with them discussing pretty much everything. But teens are teens and will always be tempted away/find themselves out of their depth and in situations that are not ideal.

Its naive to think that your teen is so trustworthy and sensible "it" won't EVER happen to them.

Not a risk I am prepared to take.

We don't snoop behind anyones backs - we pay for your phone - we ultimately reserve the right to check it at any time we choose!

I dont enjoy doing it but consider it part of parenting.

Twirlwirlywoo · 14/04/2015 16:49

Just to add - I dont check it religiously often - just from time to time or when I become concerned if DD seems a bit off par etc.

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