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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

I've had my DD 16 arrested - I feel like shit

130 replies

Doinmummy · 05/12/2014 03:20

After many many problems with my DD 16 I has her arrested today. I feel like shit. We're undergoing a programme called MST and it's really really tough. She blew up at me one time too many, I has to leave the house in just my dressing gown.

When I came home I found my daughter gone , my bedroom trashed along with the Christmas tree smashed to pieces. She's also found and taken all her Christmas presents with her.

OP posts:
Selks · 08/12/2014 21:28

Sorry I meant evening / night time, not weekend. I'll shut up now Blush.

Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 23:29

What an absolute farce . I had 2 social workers both with the same name calling me one after the other - neither really knew what was happening . One said he would find her a B&B the other said she would probably be returned to her BF despite a PPO. I managed to get her older half siblings mother to have her ( I've had her 2 for her for a few days ) but I needed to ensure everyone agreed to this before getting back to the mother to confirm DD was definitely going to go.

Then I has a call from SW saying DD was on her way to half siblings ( police said they'd take her there)
I had to quickly phone the mother to tell her this and she said she already knew because the police had phoned and asked for them to go and pick DD up.

Just to add to the mayhem DD had to be smuggled out the back of the station because her drug taking father was waiting ( drunk) out the front .

The boyfriend is unsuitable because he has a police record /smokes cannabis and is of dubious character . Who knows what a troubled 16 year old sees in him .

OP posts:
WillkommenBienvenue · 08/12/2014 23:33

Poor girl. At least she's got a safe roof over her head tonight.
Flowers

Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 23:51

It's breaking my heart

OP posts:
WillkommenBienvenue · 09/12/2014 00:08

I'm sure this will pass, at least she is safe with people you can trust. She could have insisted and stayed with BF but didn't. She knows what's best for her deep down. Perhaps her Dad being there at the station was a warning to her that she's heeded.

darksideofthemooncup · 09/12/2014 00:20

Doin I can't offer any advice but just want to add my support. It must be so bloody hard for you right now. I hope things can work out for you and your Dd, there are lots of people behind you right now and I hope you can get some comfort from that.

Selks · 09/12/2014 01:06

Ok hopefully she can have a settled couple of days at her half siblings, then on Monday morning I would get on the phone to social services and ask what support they plan to offer, as presumably this is a temporary arrangement. At least you know she is somewhere decent tonight - try to get some rest.

CheeseBuster · 09/12/2014 01:20

How old is the boyfriend?

Doinmummy · 09/12/2014 08:32

Thank you all for your support. We have been living in this chaos for nearly 18 months now . DD behaviour has been getting progressively worse , something's got to give .

Cheese her BF is 18 but not someone you would want for your daughter

OP posts:
WillkommenBienvenue · 09/12/2014 12:44

Is he abusing her or taking advantage of her or is he just a bit of a character that she has just chosen because he might be more exciting than a nice boy?

Doinmummy · 09/12/2014 13:20

He's not abusing her but is a very shady character.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 09/12/2014 15:42

So sorry Doin - I can imagine how heartbreaking all this is for you. From some of the things you say it seems like even though your DD is 16. she's functioning at a much younger age emotionally - maybe even under 5 at times! This is not at all unusual but of course it means that you have an emotionally young child trying to function as a teenager and there will be consequences for her actions that she is going to find very hard to handle.

I don't want to de-rail the thread but I must take issue with you Selks as I think you have totally unrealistic expectations of LA Children's Services. I don't know what your experience is but I have over 30 years experience in Children's Services and when I retired in 2009, the situation for helping teenagers like this one was pretty grim, as indeed were a lot of other services, with sws trying to cope with unmanageable caseloads, and vast under resourcing in all areas. Fast forward the tape 10 years and I can say without any doubt whatsoever that services have been cut to the bone. I'm not just talking about Children's Services, I'm thinking of all public services, as this govt is slashing the budgets and expecting improved services! Teachers, doctors, nurses, police, social workers are all struggling with massively increased workloads and fewer resources. I don't know if you follow the political agenda but Osborne is planning more massive cuts if they win the election - shrinking the state to the size it was in the 1930s...........very scary.

Social work intervention has always had to be prioritised but in this unprecedented situation, more people are not going to get a service, and it's no use people demonstrating outside Town Halls because the real culprit is the govt - they are the ones slashing the budgets of people who help others, while looking after their rich friends.

OK back to this case. I think you are misleading the OP Selks by insisting that CSs will have a "plan" for this girl and that they have a duty to help because that simply isn't the case. Neither is it true that Out of Hours Teams are more likely to play "hardball" as you put it. CSs will not accommodate a girl of 16 and the only reason they have got involved is because of the PPO and then only offered B & B. You talked of "supported housing" for young people and yes I remember Hostels and Foyers and supportive lodgings placements but these have all long gone. Yes there are still hostels but usually very poor standard not like the ones I recall from the 1980s specifically for young people.

Thing is doin the Out of Hours social workers are responsible for a large geographical area and there are usually only 2 on at any one time. They have to deal with everything children and adults. SO let's suppose there is a 6 week baby with a fractured skull and abuse is suspected, which means going to court to ask for an Emergency Protection Order to keep the baby safe, maybe 3 under 5s are home alone and there is a seriously mentally ill man who is refusing to go to hospital so will need to be sectioned under the Mental Health Act as he's a danger to others ..........I could go on but I'm sure you've got the picture. Then your stroppy 16 year old who is abusive to you - she's just not a priority. In an ideal world maybe, but this is the real world.

So I'm sorry Selks but you are misleading the OP - Children's Services have no responsibility to this 16 year old at all - they can't cope with child protection and are having to leave young children in unsafe homes in some areas because they don't have the resources to care for them. Birmingham City Council is in this position and the leader of the council has openly stated on TV that children in the city are not being kept safe and this will be the situation nationwide I'm sure. I don't know what your experience is but I think it may well be a case of a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

OP I'm sorry really I am - I've come across many cases like this and the tougher things get the higher up the drawbridge is pulled and if this govt get in next year god help us all. I hope I haven't confused you but I think it's important that you understand the reality of the situation.

Selks · 09/12/2014 16:48

I'm a social worker, that's my experience. But your experience clearly differs from mine NanaNina.

I'm not going to get into a big debate because that's unhelpful for the OP. At the point I was offering advice the OP's daughter had been arrested, could not go home and the police were saying the BF's house was unsuitable. If there was no relative to provide a place to go her DD would have been homeless and vulnerable and to discharge her from the police station the police would have had to have got social services involved. Or at least that's what would have happened in my experience.

Re legislation and the responsibility of children's services for homeless 16 year olds - please see section 2.16 here, which I believe should have applied in the situation I outline above.

Yes you do have to push for social services involvement and often they will refuse, but they do have obligations as above, and will act if they have to.

Anyway OP, do let us know how things go on.

Selks · 09/12/2014 16:52

Nana Nina, I do know what you mean about services stripped to the bone. I see that on a daily basis and am experiencing it in my own team. Hostels and foyers do exist however. It just varies area by area. The geographical area I currently work in is very poor for this and does rely on bed and breakfasts, but my previous district ONLY housed under 16s in hostels or supported accommodation.

Selks · 09/12/2014 16:59

Sorry mean under 18s not under 16s

NanaNina · 09/12/2014 19:35

NO I don't think we should prolong this debate Selks as it won't help the OP and might cause her more frustration. However the link you provide is related to 16/17 year olds reporting as homeless, which isn't the case here. This girl wants to be with her BF and that's where she'll almost certainly end up. I'm not clear whether the OP is refusing to have her home, or DD is refusing to go - I don't get the impression OP is refusing to have her home.

The other issue as far as legislation is concerned is that it's all very well for civil servants in Whitehall to be drafting all these Regs, but in my experience they are seldom worth the paper they're written on because there are no resources attached to legislation (funding for the service and personnel to deliver it.....) rather paring down services to the bone but I've probably said enough about that already.

I'm wondering about what this girl is doing for money - she should be entitled to JSA but I doubt very much that she will fulfilling the strict criterion for getting this allowance. The other trick this govt have up their sleeve is to refuse HB to under 25s so we will see young people on the streets again in cardboard boxes.

Doinmummy · 09/12/2014 21:05

Hi all , last night DD was picked up from the police station by her half brother, who she managed to convince to take her to her boyfriends . I know it was an awkward situation but I'm disappointed with their mother because when SS rang her this morning she told them DD had stayed the night with them and had been dropped off at the BF's this morning.

Back to tonight and I'm sitting in a hotel car park , I tried to book a room but they're full.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 09/12/2014 21:29

DD came home in a rage because of the arrest and being kept locked up for 12 hours. She wanted the house to herself for some 'space' and I said I'd go out for the night. We then managed to have a very frank and open conversation about the problems. DD said she wants to go back on AD's and to have a chat about things . She also agreed that it would be a good idea if we had family therapy to help sort out the issues. She recognises that she needs to get different friends- all this is a massive step forward. BUT she said a deal is a deal and as my 'punishment' ( I told her that I have made mistakes and haven't always done the right thing) I still need to stay away for the night.

She has promised me the BF won't stay tonight and I've said he is not allows to.

Who thinks I've been duped ?

OP posts:
WillkommenBienvenue · 09/12/2014 21:53

OK you need to appeal to her teen brain. Basically she just wants her Mummy like she did when she was a baby, but she has to explain that by showing you that she's actually a real grown up and can do what the hell she likes. So you say something like yes if you want to have some space I will spend the evening in my room etc. Great that she wants therapy, great that she wants new friends. I would say no to evacuating the house.Tell her you'll stay in your room.

Selks · 09/12/2014 22:06

Totally unreasonable of her to expect you to vacate the house! Why did you agree to this - to stop her kicking off again? You are the parent and it is your house. If she wants space then she should have agreed to just stay in her room. She is calling the shots too much.
Can you speak to your MST therapist tomorrow for some support and guidance?

Fairyfellowsmasterstroke · 09/12/2014 22:11

OP - Please go home now.

I'm sorry but I don't trust your DD and I think she may have a motive for wanting you out of the house - and it's probably not a good one.

You are the adult and, hard as it is, you need to walk back through the door and tell her, your house - your rules. And rule number 1 is that DD DOES NOT get to dictate the rules.

I appreciate that this is so hard for you but you need to be home.

Lagoonablue · 09/12/2014 22:25

You need to set dome clear boundaries. Go home. You are the parent.

Doinmummy · 09/12/2014 22:26

I agree with everything you are saying . It's odds on the BF will be round . My lodger will tell me.

Tonight I just haven't got the strength , I have never been so mentally exhausted . I have a meeting with MST and social Worker tomorrow.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 09/12/2014 22:27

I'm sitting in McDonald's

OP posts:
Goldenlab · 09/12/2014 22:30

OP, this situation sounds absolutely horrendous. I'm a foster carer and like Selks would urge you to go home right now and reclaim your home. I think you were absolutely right to have called the police in the first place. Your daughte needs to understand that this is your home, and that she lives under your reasonable rules. This is not the time for trying to appease her. If you feel that the situation is escalating with her and that you are scared of your stuff getting smashed up or fear for your personal safety, I wouldn't hesitate to call the police again. Now is the time for you to be strong, calm and clear with how you want to go forward.

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