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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I've had my DD 16 arrested - I feel like shit

130 replies

Doinmummy · 05/12/2014 03:20

After many many problems with my DD 16 I has her arrested today. I feel like shit. We're undergoing a programme called MST and it's really really tough. She blew up at me one time too many, I has to leave the house in just my dressing gown.

When I came home I found my daughter gone , my bedroom trashed along with the Christmas tree smashed to pieces. She's also found and taken all her Christmas presents with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 16:31

Her stupid boyfriend is the appropriate adult. The violence was against me but in actual fact I grabbed her first . I feel so so awful . Is knocked in her door and asked if she wanted a cuppa . I got a load of verbal abuse, so I did de esculating techniques and said as she was shouting I was going to walk away. I went into my bedroom and started to set my hair. She stormed into my room and pulled he plug out of the socket all the while screaming at me. I tried to walk out of the room and she did her usual tactic of barring my way and I snapped .

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Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 16:33

Sorry for all the typos I can't see for tears

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Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 16:52

Police have put a PPO on my DD as she can't come home and they've deemed her boyfriend and her father unsuitable for her to stay with. I am scrapping about trying to find a relative she can go to. She's alienated her ale from everyone .

OP posts:
Selks · 08/12/2014 17:16

Don't find a relative! If there is no relative she will have to go into care which means that social services WOULD HAVE TO step up and get involved properly. Now is your opportunity to let them get involved. That would be the first step towards proper support and input being provided for your DD.

(above advice given on the assumption that you do want SS involvement and support for your DD).

Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 18:12

Where would they out her if not with a relative

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Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 18:12

*put

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Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 18:14

I can't bear the thought of her in a foster home

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Selks · 08/12/2014 18:24

She would be accommodated, possibly young people's supported accommodation, a children's home or (less likely) foster care.

I'm perplexed by your dislike of foster care...you say (rightly) that she can't come home and the boyfriend's house is unsuitable. Foster care would not be a bad option. It would most likely be temporary until she could be moved into something like supported accommodation anyway. Social care would have to stay involved as she would be a looked after child / child in need.

You can guarantee that if she goes to a relative social care will close their involvement.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 18:39

She has spent one night in foster care ages ago and I picked her up from there - it was an awful place

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Selks · 08/12/2014 18:47

Most foster care is very good, and they may not offer foster care anyway. But you have to think long term. How is anything going to change if she goes to a relative and social care close their involvement?

Selks · 08/12/2014 18:49

Social care will PUSH for her to go to a relative - it is cheaper for them. But it's your decision of course. I'm only sharing what I have seen happen.

WillkommenBienvenue · 08/12/2014 19:08

I think this program you are doing is a good idea. Try and stick to it, she needs clear boundaries and she needs to know you can commit to something like this.

NanaNina · 08/12/2014 19:57

Well the PPA only lasts for 72 hours, and there is no way the LA would initiate care proceedings on a 16 year old, so they will have to find her somewhere if only for the duration of the PPA. LAs are always incredibly short of suitable accommodation, though most have foster carers especially for teenagers. A children's home would be the kiss of death as she would be with a load of other out of control kids.

I agree with the LA will prefer her to go to a relative as it's cheaper of course. I'm less sure about their continued involvement as the "Children in Need" regs contained in the CA 1989 was a joke - the only duty was to "assess" not provide anything! At 16 even if she was accommodated I think the continued involvement of social workers would be minimal.

My guess is she won't stay wherever she's put and will drift back to the boyfriend. I can't understand why you are so against foster carers - they are very well trained and most of them are excellent.

NanaNina · 08/12/2014 19:58

Well the PPA only lasts for 72 hours, and there is no way the LA would initiate care proceedings on a 16 year old, so they will have to find her somewhere if only for the duration of the PPA. LAs are always incredibly short of suitable accommodation, though most have foster carers especially for teenagers. A children's home would be the kiss of death as she would be with a load of other out of control kids.

I agree with the LA will prefer her to go to a relative as it's cheaper of course. I'm less sure about their continued involvement as the "Children in Need" regs contained in the CA 1989 was a joke - the only duty was to "assess" not provide anything! At 16 even if she was accommodated I think the continued involvement of social workers would be minimal.

My guess is she won't stay wherever she's put and will drift back to the boyfriend. I can't understand why you are so against foster carers - they are very well trained and most of them are excellent.

NanaNina · 08/12/2014 20:00

sorry for duplicate post!

Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 20:05

Selks thank you for your replies - I'm getting the gist a bit more now of how SS operate. I can't find her anywhere to go as everyone has to be up early and out to work in the morning so DD would be left alone . Also I don't want to put people in a difficult situation if she decides to run off in the middle of the night. I've tried to call the SS emergency number and have up after 47 mins of it ringing with no answer. SW has just phoned me and fobbed me off saying DD can go where she wants and they can't make her stay anywhere she doesn't want to go. They are talking about putting her in a B&B , and agreed with me that she will just walk out and go to BF house. I told them she has no phone and so would be wandering around alone with no way of even contacting BF

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Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 20:08

I'm not against foster carers at all - is live her to go to a nice one - the one I picked her up from was shocking . I think what I mean when I say I can't bear the thought of her going to one is that I really want her home safe with me .

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Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 20:09

SW said there are no foster homes for her to go to

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NanaNina · 08/12/2014 20:20

I'm not surprised at social worker's response. They really aren't going to do much for a 16 year old, and yes B & B is about all they will offer. Unfortunately there are no easy answers. Not sure why the Police took the PPO - seems a bit pointless.

She will get back to the boyfriend phone or no phone I'm sure.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 20:29

I think the BF has a police record so not a good person for them to send her to . But you're right in saying she'll find her way to him at some point

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WillkommenBienvenue · 08/12/2014 20:49

What is it you are concerned about with the boyfriend? What does she see in him?

Selks · 08/12/2014 21:22

NanaNina, "They really aren't going to do much for a 16 year old"....well, it depends on whether she is felt to be at risk / have high level of need or not. Yes, social care do not easily get involved with 16 year olds but they will do if they have to / if they feel the risk issues are high enough. I'm concerned that you stating they will not get involved will just lead the OP into taking her back in if she feels that her DD would be otherwise unsupported. I know you are just posting from your experiences; I am also posting from mine, and I know they will get involved (albeit reluctantly) if they really have to.

Selks · 08/12/2014 21:24

OP, social worker may well be right, there may be no foster placements available, but if she needs accommodating they have to find something. NanaNina is right though in that if your DD really wants to return to her boyfriend's house then she will do and they can't stop her.

Selks · 08/12/2014 21:24

Where is your DD now, OP?

Selks · 08/12/2014 21:27

Weekend social services is provided by the emergency duty team, they are not the regular social/children's services social work teams and are much more likely to 'play hardball' unfortunately.