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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I've had my DD 16 arrested - I feel like shit

130 replies

Doinmummy · 05/12/2014 03:20

After many many problems with my DD 16 I has her arrested today. I feel like shit. We're undergoing a programme called MST and it's really really tough. She blew up at me one time too many, I has to leave the house in just my dressing gown.

When I came home I found my daughter gone , my bedroom trashed along with the Christmas tree smashed to pieces. She's also found and taken all her Christmas presents with her.

OP posts:
26Point2Miles · 05/12/2014 20:50

Mst doesn't sound like it can work in this case

Sometimes you just have to leave them to it.... They can't/wont be helped. If you have other dc I guess they are suffering

Original poster
Doinmummy · 05/12/2014 20:56

I do all the de escalating techniques ie walking away when she screams at me but it just adds fuel to her fire and that's when I end up being barred from leaving a room by her.

She's my only child

OP posts:
Lagoonablue · 06/12/2014 07:18

Why is she like this? It sounds extreme. Has there been something going on for her. Any family issues? If so dealing with the behaviour alone may not be the answer.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 06/12/2014 14:05

She's had issues since very young- she's always been tricky . I'm undergoing a programme called MST which only deals with the behaviour and not any underlying issues that led to the behaviour.They reckon once the behaviour is under control then we can deal with why my DD is like this . But it's a bit chicken and egg because the behaviour goes hand and hand with her issues.

I go round and round in circles and it's brought me to my knees .

OP posts:
kleinzeit · 06/12/2014 15:08

Flowers you can only do what you can do. And if she is violent then calling the police sounds like exactly the right consequence. I hope it gets better for you and your DD, you are a very caring mum.

Lagoonablue · 06/12/2014 15:32

Uses I know what MST is and how it works. I agree it can be chicken and egg. How long have you been using the programme?

If you can access it, a more therapeutic approach could be good? Like family therapy. Looks more into where her issues are emerging from and how your relationship is. I used to do this work and it can be powerful. MST can be effective but not for all as it only deals with the behaviour as you say and sometimes the drivers for this behaviour are so strong that it is these you need to focus on.

Has she experienced loss? Family breakdowns? Often how a reinvents itself after a change can impact on behaviour. I think if you have had MST for a while without change I would be asking for a different approach.

Lagoonablue · 06/12/2014 15:33

Not uses . Yes.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 06/12/2014 15:50

We've had family therapy (family solutions) the lady was so lovely and right on the ball. She came every week without fail for a year - DD attended one session .

OP posts:
moggiek · 06/12/2014 17:02

You've done the right thing. It is no life being afraid of your own child, constantly walking on egg shells and waiting for the next blow up. I know you're wracked with maternal guilt, but letting her know that there will be real consequences for her actions is the biggest favour you can do her.

NanaNina · 06/12/2014 17:30

So sorry you are going through this - I'm sure you won't want to talk about intimate details of your DD's past on this open forum, but you mention she's always been "tricky" and had "issues" since she was young. Do you know the root cause of these "issues" - again please don't think I'm asking you to say so on here - just trying to look below the surface a bit.

The other thing (and I'm sure you already know this) cannabis can be very dangerous as there is a stronger form called "skunk" or it can be cut with other drugs. Also there is growing evidence that with some young people who have a pre-disposition to mental illness, smoking cannabis can cause mental health problems, including psychosis in some cases.

Do you have anyone to support you? Where will she live if you refuse to have her back, as she will almost certainly be charged with criminal damage and let out on bail.

Whatever "issues" we have in childhood do tend to follow us into adulthood and of course adolescence is a turbulent time in any event. Do you feel she could physically hurt you - if so I think you can't really have her back. So sorry - I can imagine how guilty you feel - hope you can get some support for yourself.

marne2 · 06/12/2014 17:42

Sorry you are going through this, my step son had similar issues and at the age of 18 his mum had to call the police and get him arrested, he was self medicating, he had always been hard work, never been happy and always had to be the centre of attention.

The only advice I can give is that you keep pushing to get her help now because as soon as she's an adult you will have no say in what help she gets ( this is the problem we have ). We got to the point where my step sons mum kicked him out of her house and we had to refuse to have him hear ( due to his outbursts we could not him around our younger dc's ), it was very hard knowing we had made him homeless, he ended up in a homeless shelter and then a mental health unit, we have no say in what care he receives or what help he gets due to his age.

You did the right thing by phoning the police, I hope she ( and you ) get the help you need.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 06/12/2014 23:35

When I say she's been tricky , she's had problems keeping friendships from a young age. She said she was being bullied ( which I guess is her reality ) but if the other children didn't play what she wanted then she'd throw a strop and in the end no one wanted to play with her. She used to get so mad at me and screamed that I had to 'make them' play with her . I was in the school every week over one thing or another . This started in junior school and carried on all through seniors.

Every time she blows up at me, which is pretty much every day now, she says she hates me 'because of all the shit I've put her though' . I can't get her to elaborate any more than that. It is impossible to have any meaningful conversation with her.

She blew up yesterday because is asked if she wanted a cup of tea . Sometimes it's because I have looked at her. I'm guessing this is the paranoia that cannabis causes.

OP posts:
marne2 · 07/12/2014 09:54

Paranoia is very common with cannabis use, some people will argue that that's not true, cannabis is a lot different than it was 20 years ago, it's a lot stronger and the effects it can have on someone who may already have mental health issues can be devastating. My step son had a break down after smoking it for a week or so, he was psychotic and very paranoid to the point he thought the whole world had turned against him, he was in a unit for a while whilst they treated him, seeing him like this was awful. We know that ds's is probably on the autistic spectrum ( I have 2 dd's on the spectrum ), sadly we could never get him accessed because he refused to go to appointments or refused to talk. Because he has taken drugs and now experienced psychotic episodes the professionals want to diagnose him with schizophrenia as they believe this is something that has come on suddenly, it's not, we have always had problems with him, his temper, his wanting to be centre of attention and his problems with socialising, the drugs just made things worse and pushed him over the edge.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 07/12/2014 10:37

I think the younger they take this poison, the more damage is done to their developing brain.

Don't EVER put someone in front of me who says cannabis is harmless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doinmummy · 07/12/2014 22:35

I've had a really bad day.

The MST team and SW are putting pressure in me to have DD back home. My friends are all telling me not to have her back .

The MST therapist even said that I'm being influenced by my closest friend , but she's really my only support.

I'm in turmoil .

OP posts:
CastlesInTheSand · 08/12/2014 02:08

Don't SW always put pressure on you to take them back?

Do they want you to take her back because it's good for you or for them?

I'm sure it's the least work outcome for them....

You count in this as well. Not just your DD.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 05:35

Oh god - the shit will really hit the fan now. It's 5.20am and the police have just knocked in my door to arrest DD . I've sent them over to where she is at her boyfriends house . What have I done

OP posts:
DraggingDownDownDown · 08/12/2014 05:48

You have done the right thing and the only thing that is left to do. Part of being a parent is making their children decent adults and that is exactly what you are trying to do. We all have to face the consequences of our actions and now your DD is. Stay strong and refuse to have her home.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 07:32

It's so hard. She's in the process of being CRB checked for an apprenticeship . If she gets charged she won't get the job, she'll blame me ( as she does with everything ) and I'll have no chance of getting a relationship back with her.

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 08/12/2014 09:24

not necessarily doinmummy, anyway it is her problem now really.
Hugs.

Quitelikely · 08/12/2014 09:37

You have done the right thing. Your daughter is out of control and when somebody is out of control that's when the authorities are needed.

You have done your best by her. You have tried so hard. She is being vile towards you. She can't actually treat people like that, let alone her own mother.

You have engaged with services.

Don't let the SS force you into backing down. They have got a duty towards her and they know it.

Be strong this one time. Take a stand against the way she is treating you.

Quitelikely · 08/12/2014 09:38

And OP if you didn't report her to the police it was only a matter of time before someone did.........

NanaNina · 08/12/2014 14:57

I do sympathise but quitelikely I have to disagree that SS have a duty towards this 16 year old. The only duty they have is to "advise, assist and befriend" and that means nothing! Young people of 16 who have been in the care system for years are often turfed out into "independent living" situations. I'm not criticising the social workers (am a retired one) but it's the system, that's really under resourced and workloads are totally unmanageable. In any event this young woman appears to be living with her boyfriend, so isn't homeless.

Doinmummy I think it's very easy for people to tell you to "stick to your guns" and it's "her problem" but relationships aren't that simple are they - if only they were! I get the impression that you do want your DD home but obviously that isn't without the risk of more problems. I really feel for you - you've tried so hard with her. Has she got any positive qualities - just wondered? You seem almost a little afraid of your DD (or maybe wary is a better way of putting it) and of course the dynamics in families get set in concrete don't they, regardless of these programmes etc. Sorry I've not heard of MST so not knocking it, it's just that sometimes what seems logical doesn't always work in practice.

Are you sure she is only smoking cannabis - it sounds to me like she's on heavier drugs if she's stealing to get them, as cannabis is relatively cheap to buy. I'd have thought more like heroin or crack.

Original poster
Doinmummy · 08/12/2014 15:34

I wonder if faced with the same situation , how many people could actually bring charges against their own child ?

DD is at the police station now- I feel Sick to my stomach . The wheels are in motion now and there is no stopping them. I cannot stop the process as it is domestic violence and it will be put to the CPS regardless of what I say.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 08/12/2014 15:53

Was the domestic violence against you Doin or someone else? As she is only 16 she should have a "responsible adult" with her when she is interviewed. I think it depends how serious the incident was - the police will only refer to the CPS for serious matters and the CPS will only agree to take it to court if there is a good chance of a conviction.