16 Year old Son

[Unsupported1966]

Hi All

Been struggling for a number of years with my son and have gone for counselling with him to see if we could make our home a happier place.

I guess I am the horrible dad who gives out the punishments and my wife simply tells me I am making things worst, she says this in front of my son so my son see's we have a weak link straight away and enjoys the fact my wife does not support my actions.

I guess right now I am wondering what I should do, and I so miss the "father son bond" that we use to have

Guess I should say what the problems are .....
My son is now 16 and everyday "we do battle"

my son calls my wife names something which she has got so use to she doesn t even seem to notice! He calls me a "knob" and says "I hope you get run over" or "I hope you die in a car crash" - to be honest yes it hurts but I can live with the name calling but over the last 6 months it's has become more violent and I have been punched by him on two occasions, he tells me I am a control freak, and I guess the only punishment I am able to do is turn his beloved Internet off, so I can see I am trying to control him but cannot see any other way to bring some kind of discipline into our house

He like many 16 year old boys plays Xbox, over the last few years he has become more and more addicted to it and spends hours and hours on games, most of them are the shooting games and of course we can hear him shouting at his tv screen and he comes down stair and I guess is still in the "angry gamer mood" and any small thing we might say to him we get a load of abuse shouted at us, and so I turn the Internet off, he then gets more and more angry and it all kicks off

The easiest thing for me to do is just turn a blind eye to his behaviour and just get on with my life but he has no life outside his "xbox friends" - they call them "clans" and he has never met any of these people so it is difficult to call them friends, this weekend he spent all weekend on his xbox, other than coming down for meals which on every occasion ended up with us arguing at the table

So am I a control freak by knocking the Internet off, I do wonder if I just shouldn t take the Xbox completely out of the house and see what happens after that, to be honest any advice would be grateful as I know I am not the only one who is having trouble with the Xbox

My son is 16 years old, not a child anymore and I miss him

Unsupported1966 - wow what a hard time you're having of it. I can totally sympathise, I have a 15 yr old DS who at the moment is bloody horrible. He used to do football, rugby, tennis, gym but gradually gave all of them up over the past couple of years and now spends as much time as possible on his computer and PS4, in his room, on his own. He does interact with friends from school online, and occasionally goes out with them, perhaps once or twice a fortnight (they don't do much), but I'm always seeing his contemporaries hanging around in the park, playing sport, chatting up girls and so on and wonder why he can't do the same. Parents of his contemporaries say they hardly see their kids from the start of the holidays to the end - they're always out.

I too have read 'Get our of my life...' and it is brilliant. I've been trying to get my DH to read it but his approach is either 'Victorian Father' do as I say, continuous shouting; or doesn't want to get involved and doesn't back me up when I try and impose sanctions like removing power leads from computer and PS4.

I get the verbal abuse too; every time I ask him a question he shouts back at me. I can't remember the last time we had a normal conversation - probably about 11pm, when I've forced him to turn everything off and he comes downstairs. Unfortunately that's when I want to go to bed.

His school grades are OK but we get the same feedback - he's doing just enough but no more, and he's capable of much more. He wants to get into a 6th form college that requires good grades - which he could achieve - but also takes into account the 'bigger picture' such as interests outside school, and to be honest he has none, apart from online gaming. He gives up everything new he tries - he signed up for DofE at school but couldn't be bothered to sort out learning a new skill and volunteering, so dropped out even before he'd done anything.

I am hoping a praying it's just a phase and we get through it before our relationship (ours with him and mine with DH) are destroyed.

Plus - we have an 11 year old coming up behind who will probably be just as hard work!!

Hi wordsmith

Thank you for your comments and I hope this "phase" will pass quickly.

Great that you have read "get out of my life..." And like you I thought it was an eye opener, unfortunately I admit I think on here that sometimes I guess I am the "not in my house" type of dad and instead of allowing something my son has said to pass over me I jump on it and of course battles breaks out.

It would be great if you could get your husband to read the book, I haven t read a book for years lol but I read this book from start to finish and you cannot fail to get something from it.

My wife and I have also tried to be more as one, backing each other which sends I think a better message to our son, not sure how long it will last but we are trying. In fact a few nights ago we were talking and we realised the only time we have a real argument is when we are arguing about our son, never about anything else

I hope things do improve but as you may guess from other post on here things can get worst before they get better, stay strong and your husband and you do need to be a united front

Have you read my post here ?
Being in clubs, working & volunteering is where you meet people & if you are lucky you make friends & even girlfriends/boyfriends
This type of work or volunteering will teach him alot about life in general
As you know, people are not about what they look like, people are about who they are as a whole package, what they are like inside & outside.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/2416555-How-can-I-encourage-very-shy-16-yo-ds-to-get-summer-job

Perhaps he needs to find someone to inspire him locally or internationally - look at this person he is amazing !
I am sure you can find other examples of inspiring people
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Vujicic

I think you doing his paper round was not the right decision

I think breaking the internet was a deal breaker & there should be consequenses, he sounds unhappy, frustrated

At 16 he should become responsible & accountable for his actions
Perhaps you should dock some money from his pocket money ?

What are his plans for his future ?
Try asking him what he wants short & long term goals
What can you do to help him achieve them ?

Perhaps he has to reach rock bottom, before he will realise the consequenses then he will come back to you in a more positive frame of mind ?

He needs to be aware that in life there are choices & consequenses

Good luck, I see that you are trying to help