16 Year old Son

[Unsupported1966]

Hi All

Been struggling for a number of years with my son and have gone for counselling with him to see if we could make our home a happier place.

I guess I am the horrible dad who gives out the punishments and my wife simply tells me I am making things worst, she says this in front of my son so my son see's we have a weak link straight away and enjoys the fact my wife does not support my actions.

I guess right now I am wondering what I should do, and I so miss the "father son bond" that we use to have

Guess I should say what the problems are .....
My son is now 16 and everyday "we do battle"

my son calls my wife names something which she has got so use to she doesn t even seem to notice! He calls me a "knob" and says "I hope you get run over" or "I hope you die in a car crash" - to be honest yes it hurts but I can live with the name calling but over the last 6 months it's has become more violent and I have been punched by him on two occasions, he tells me I am a control freak, and I guess the only punishment I am able to do is turn his beloved Internet off, so I can see I am trying to control him but cannot see any other way to bring some kind of discipline into our house

He like many 16 year old boys plays Xbox, over the last few years he has become more and more addicted to it and spends hours and hours on games, most of them are the shooting games and of course we can hear him shouting at his tv screen and he comes down stair and I guess is still in the "angry gamer mood" and any small thing we might say to him we get a load of abuse shouted at us, and so I turn the Internet off, he then gets more and more angry and it all kicks off

The easiest thing for me to do is just turn a blind eye to his behaviour and just get on with my life but he has no life outside his "xbox friends" - they call them "clans" and he has never met any of these people so it is difficult to call them friends, this weekend he spent all weekend on his xbox, other than coming down for meals which on every occasion ended up with us arguing at the table

So am I a control freak by knocking the Internet off, I do wonder if I just shouldn t take the Xbox completely out of the house and see what happens after that, to be honest any advice would be grateful as I know I am not the only one who is having trouble with the Xbox

My son is 16 years old, not a child anymore and I miss him

Unsupported thanks for the update and so sorry.
I am afraid I can't give any advice but am part of the Mumsnet community who are holding your virtual hand......

Have you called the police yet when he acts out? If for no other reason to start a documentation trail of his behavior. Is school saying anything about his anger issues there?

I only asked as it's probably very hard on him to leave with this. Teens are not easy. I think I would phone the police next time too and also make sure you have all your facts going to the doctor , write a list and make sure you ask all your questions .
Also I would not replace the router at home It will be hard on everyone. I often hid our router when I needed stuff done and they would call me when jobs completed and I would tell them where it is.
I would worry about depression with him too .

One of my greatest regrets in parenting is not being more vigilant on controlling my older child's internet use. If I had it to do over, I would lock them out after certain hours(something easy to do on certain routers)

Hi all thanks again for replies

Gym boy - yes I agree about leaving the door unanswered but my wife was concerned about him really just being out on the streets, I had no intention of this of course just wanted to give him a shock,

Travelled the world - thank you for the support, it is crazy but these pages were you can ask anything and get advice from so many people is so comforting

EE123 - no we haven't called the police yet, my wife and I are both concerned that if we do he may get a criminal record, something obviously we don t want him to have as he goes looking for a job, and I do control his internet use in fact that is why he hates me so much

my daughter was stealing from us. the first time it happened I gave her a warning that if it happened again I would involve the police. it did, so I did.

I phoned and made an appointment with an officer, explaining everything in advance. I asked them to frighten the shit out of her. they did just that, and she had to sign a proper official form (sorry cant remember the name) and they lead her to believe she was on their system for future reference, and that if they met her again she would indeed acquire a criminal record. they basically asked me how to play it.

they would much rather support a responsible parent ( as you are) than pick up the pieces and the cost to the tax payer further down the line. it did the trick for us, and later on I did the same with the fire service after another incident.

teenagers are the product of the devil

unsupported it's a case of tough love really . You can't really put a 16 year old out on the streets and it's a sign of his vinerabolity that he wanted to get back in from the cold . Good luck in the doctors .

sorry, meant to add that the form she signed was torn up after we left and was not added to their system, she thought it was though.

you're doing a fab job, but boy he sounds a toughie. good luck

My gut feeling about your DS is that he is either scared, angry or both. He is troubled.

Tell him you're worried about him as you love him and he seems so unhappy and ask him what's bothering him. It's a big scary world out there. He might not be able to talk at first but he will hear that you want to help him and that will open the door. Ask him if he feels able to talk about his anger or worries with someone else. His gran? Childline? A religious leader?

He might be angry or worried about something trivial or be confused about something. He needs to talk things through.

Gymbob - my wife and I talked about contacting the police again last night and like you we feel a tough talking to by an officer might help the situation,

Rogue - thank you for your comments, wife and I both think there is something wrong, he is angry he is depressed and it is horrible that we are not able to solve his problems, ...... As really all parents when they see their child hurt/upset all they want to do Is make it better for them

Lovetheleaves - that is totally what I think, he wants to come back home after I have "thrown him out" which I guess is a sort of positive sign, and wife is starting to understand I have no intention of throwing him out completely, it is though another way to defuse the situation

I spoke to my son yesterday as well (he was in a calm mood) just back from sixth form. I asked if there was anything bothering him and of course apart from having awful parents everything was alright !

One thing he did say though reminded me he has mentioned it a few times now......he thought he was strange in looks, I have forgot to mention he looks in mirrors all the time, he even carrys a hand held mirror round with him, yesterday he said that he would never get a girl friend as he looked funny/strange, his face is "not symmetrical" ...... I am his dad so what do I know but he is a good looking chap, people say luckily he gets his looks from "his mum" he is unable to take a selfie as no picture makes him look good according to him,

could this be the source of his anger ? I would have thought teenage girls can be obsessed with their looks, would that make them angry enough that they would cause damage to personal things, has anyone had a daughter that has had serious depression from not being happy with their looks, and if so has it turned into anger?

I reread my post and it sounded so trite. Apologies. I do sometimes think that there must be a lot of teenagers who don't really talk with their parents. (for a variety of reasons.) I'm certainly not judging.

Teenage boys as well as girls are definitely under a lot of pressure to 'look good'. The number of boys who go to gyms is huge now. Even my (slight ASD 16YO DS who doesn't bother much with fb) spends a lot of time sorting his hair (he has very nice hair).

I don't know if this thought would be helpful to him, and it goes without saying that you don't want to encourage him in thinking that looks are important, but something that took me a while to realise is that being physically attractive is mostly about looking healthy and the overall 'package' you present. Looking relaxed or at least not uncomfortable and youthful is always attractive. Even people who are considered to be very attractive usually have something 'wrong' with their facial features. What he sees in the mirror is not what other people see - they see a youthful lad.

Look how popular Stephen Fry is!! He has a noticeably asymmetrical face! Blind people have partners who they can't see. And the way we 'see' people is hugely affected by how we perceive them in other ways. Most girls are actually not that bothered by looks. Gym bods droning on about protein shakes and how many reps they can do and swaggering about in tight shirts are very unattractive IMO.

He might be generally 'scared' or disturbed by the prospect of starting out in the world of adults too.

IMO it's great that he's mentioned something to you. It's a start.

Rogue - no not trite at all, I thank you for your comments

I particularly like your idea of looking healthy, he does drink a lot of those awful caffeine energy drinks and I don t think he particularly eats that healthy, will mention it to him, also maybe going to the gym.

It has already been suggested that we go for a run together, guess it's certain father son time, which has got to be of some value

The energy drinks will have a terrible effect on his mood.

Personally I think gyms encourage obsessive behaviour and vanity - the other day I spent several minutes struggling to lift a huge thing out of the boot of the car while my neighbour and his teenage DS who goes to the gym a lot watched! What is the point of having puffed up muscles if you don't use them? ( My DD and I are horribly judgy about gym bunnies I'm sorry to say.) A run would be much more interesting.

Or how about a long car drive - seriously good for enabling discussions without the awkwardness of prolonged eye contact - followed by a long walk or hill climb? Then tell him how nice it is to have his company and how fit/fast/good at staying the course/youthful/whatever he is.

Another way to communicate with teenagers IME is to ask their opinions about anything really, and to ask them about what it's like to be a teenager today. There's always a generation gap and our advice will quickly be dismissed if we don't have an understanding of what's 'normal' or 'common' for today's teenagers. Apparently they drink less than we did, but are more likely to do drugs, are more tolerant of LGBT, but less respectful to elderly people IMO, they think we had it easy with our free uni tuition, but expect to have a lot of gadgets etc etc.

Energy drinks, yea I will mention it to him.....hopefully he might try and stop drinking so many

my DD is addicted to energy drinks. they keep her awake tho she won't admit it. she buys them from poundland in large quantities and was drinking 3 litres a day. she wouldn't listen to me of course. I printed out info of the effects off the net and just posted it under her door. we didn't talk about it until over a week later when she said hadn't had any for 3 days. you could try similar.

also yesterday they had someone in at school who told them that her generation is the most likely to have mental health issues due to, largely due to social media. she said how stressful it was for her for so and so to get 142 likes for a selfie on Facebook when she can only get 70. they are under so much pressure.

your lad hasn't escaped unscathed it seems xxx

good luck with your daughter later today,

as you say I guess I will be able to hear her at 5.30 ????

Hi. Have a look at body dysmorphia. He is clearly angry and he's angry at you because he's realised that unlike when he was a child, you can't make the pain go away which makes him scared so more angry. Energy drinks are full of sugar and so he's hyped up to the max. Plus his brain is rewiring so he can't control his anger or his impulsivity.

The problem is that at this age they don't have much physical contact with anyone but he needs a bloody big hug. He is full of raging hormones, wants a girlfriend but is terrified of approaching any girl because they hang around in packs and there's always the sarky friend who will poke fun or be nasty.

Would going away doing something physical together like sailing or kayaking be worth doing. Look at The Tall Ships Trust. No where near gadgets, no mirrors, no packs of sarky girls, lots of physical activity. He could go on his own? Your xbox problem is solved because he's smashed up the router but actually, he's solved the problem himself because deep down he knew what he was doing and he probablly realises that not having it makes him a better person but cannot ever acknowledge this. What better way to get rid of the problem. Perhaps no internet all round for a bit might calm things down.

Agree with getting the police to scare the bejabers out of him but do look at mental health issues too. Youngminds site is good.

Energy drinks have huge amounts of caffeine too. A horrible combo.

Thank you flapping...

Really useful insight, off home now for hopefully a nice weekend, agree with you though as many have said, try and find something we can do together

Thanks rogue, found he had drunk two of them again yesterday, hate the drinks but when I am not there he seems to find the money and buys them

I'm sad to say, unsupported, that nothing in your post shocked me- having been through very turbulent times with my DS. I too wondered about my sons mental health - took him to a youth councillor who said he was a very pleasant boy who was in touch with his feelings. My gp said she sympathised but couldn't help. I rang and emailed support groups, but the advice given didn't fit with our situation. I remember sobbing to one poor girl who said she didn't know what advice to give - this was a youth service.
The best support I got was on here - from others who knew what it was like.

As for your DS smashing the router - it's like a toddler - they don't think about their actions - I believe ( and I'm no expert!) that something strange happens to the teenage brain - some much much worse than others. I found that " consequences " just made thing 10 x worse for my DS - but I felt there should be some - my Dh would just let it go. We had big rows about it.
But as it turns out my Dh was right!
I have great sympathy for you. Your home can feel like a battle ground. My Dh put out the proverbial white flag and surrendered - running round doing what my not so DS wanted. He called his dad names still and the world revolved around him- but he calmed down a little - i couldn't just let it go so I stepped back as much as I could.

My son likes music too and poetry ( yes poetry!!) so maybe creative teens are more sensitive to the changes in their brains?!

I know that others have said your DS behaviour isn't normal - but it's like our DS and he has now calmed down and is back to being a normal teen. But my son was taking drugs - so that didn't help.
I really wish I had a magic formular for you , unsupported- but I think it just " time" that will help. Don't look to blame yourself you are doing your best- you can not do more than that. You sound like a caring loving dad .

I am so sorry to hear this has all started again.

Like others, I wonder if some physical activity like hill walking with you would go some way to helping? If he's sitting still for a long time playing on the xbox, plus drinking energy drinks, it sounds like he's building up quite a lot of adrenalin. When he stops playing, gets up and moves around that adrenalin starts to work on his body, so he's getting this great energy rush he can't cope with?

Energy drinks are vile and very bad for anyone.
My son has had problems with too much internet use (not the violence or destruction problems) he is 17.
I decided to make a list of rules that are non-negotiable
Similar to -
2 hours computer time a day
100% attendance at school
Gym or exercise 2-3 times a week
No rudeness
Limit junk food
A few chores around the house
If he does not do them all, everytime there will be NO money, sleepovers, treats, parties, going to music gigs etc.

I told him the reason I am doing this is no matter where he lives or what he does there will some rules. If he doesn't like it he can move out - he really is too immature to do this!

Maybe sit down with him and your wife and his nan (you mentioned you is helpful) and explain this is what will happen and are all in agreement.

stick to the rules

Remember you would not accept this behaviour from anyone else - a co-worker or lodger so don't accept him from him.

Because of the violence I would say if it happens again you will call the police and really do it.

Teenagers are a nightmare and even the best parents have terrible teenagers

Excellent comments Summer, well to your husband for being able to handle your sons actions and language, my wife is similar to him whereas me even though I knew I shouldn t react I went and said things back and of course world war 3 erupts.

As I think I said on an early post, back in dec 14. - I do feel slightly guilty calling myself unsupported as my wife of course was looking for a perfect family atmosphere and then she had her son and me both doing verbal battle.

Recently my wife and me are supporting each other but it is a tough thing and every now and then my wife goes against what I say and of course my son sees weakness and jumps on it.

Cardinal - yes I to agree with exercise and just the two of us going off for a walk, tried it this afternoon but my son is in a real downer today, not wanting to do anything, anything I suggest, boring !

Youpoopoo - thanks for comments, we did try to sit at the table months ago as a family and all put down what we expect and wanted from each other, in fact I thought it was working well, plenty of laughing and joking but we get some sort of rules and consequences written down, think it lasted a couple of days and then all out of the window, may try and try this again though,

The problem I have with that is if I say right you have been on the Internet for over two hours now, come on off, if I turn his connection off, he gets angry and then I am guessing violent and things get broken

New router plugged in (see earlier entries) and my son has his iPad but I have not returned his Xbox, he is a lot less angry without it but is mopping around saying he is bored.

Suggested we go for a run, could be more like a walk if I am doing it but he said no, did coming food shopping with me to sainsbury though which surprised me and when we were in the car and out in the shop we laughed and joked etc, really nice

Back home and back to his anything but be with mum/dad