16 Year old Son

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Hi All

Been struggling for a number of years with my son and have gone for counselling with him to see if we could make our home a happier place.

I guess I am the horrible dad who gives out the punishments and my wife simply tells me I am making things worst, she says this in front of my son so my son see's we have a weak link straight away and enjoys the fact my wife does not support my actions.

I guess right now I am wondering what I should do, and I so miss the "father son bond" that we use to have

Guess I should say what the problems are .....
My son is now 16 and everyday "we do battle"

my son calls my wife names something which she has got so use to she doesn t even seem to notice! He calls me a "knob" and says "I hope you get run over" or "I hope you die in a car crash" - to be honest yes it hurts but I can live with the name calling but over the last 6 months it's has become more violent and I have been punched by him on two occasions, he tells me I am a control freak, and I guess the only punishment I am able to do is turn his beloved Internet off, so I can see I am trying to control him but cannot see any other way to bring some kind of discipline into our house

He like many 16 year old boys plays Xbox, over the last few years he has become more and more addicted to it and spends hours and hours on games, most of them are the shooting games and of course we can hear him shouting at his tv screen and he comes down stair and I guess is still in the "angry gamer mood" and any small thing we might say to him we get a load of abuse shouted at us, and so I turn the Internet off, he then gets more and more angry and it all kicks off

The easiest thing for me to do is just turn a blind eye to his behaviour and just get on with my life but he has no life outside his "xbox friends" - they call them "clans" and he has never met any of these people so it is difficult to call them friends, this weekend he spent all weekend on his xbox, other than coming down for meals which on every occasion ended up with us arguing at the table

So am I a control freak by knocking the Internet off, I do wonder if I just shouldn t take the Xbox completely out of the house and see what happens after that, to be honest any advice would be grateful as I know I am not the only one who is having trouble with the Xbox

My son is 16 years old, not a child anymore and I miss him

Just seen that he is playing 18 games.

When you give him his xbox back do not give him these games. explain to him that his behaviour has highlighted that he is not emotionally mature enough to play these games and keep the aggression in the virtual world.

He can of course earn them back with good behaviour and being polite to both yourself and your wife but if he lapses into his old way of speaking to you they will immediately be removed.

nothing to fight against and no relationship.

just a role figure.

i guess it depends what your long term objectives are.

do as a book says and avoid conflict now or actually have a relationship with your child

The game my DS16 shouts the worst and most often during is FIFA so it's not just only the violent 18 games that cause the aggressive behaviour. I think FIFA has a 3 rating

I do not think there is anything wrong with using the xbox as a punishment if they are not fulfilling other commitments and as the OP has mentioned - his son's college work is not as good as it could be.

Hi there. Sorry to butt in on the thread! I used to have the same problem with my son whos now 17. While he never swore at me, he was angry and grumpy all the time and never wanted to do anything but play xbox. I took it off him - completely. In 2 days I saw a marked improvement in his behavior and his attitude. Its amazing the difference. He got it back bit by bit as long as he was not disrespectful or grumpy at the times he didn't have it. It worked for us but I know everyone's different. He seems to be getting better already though by doing other activities albeit reluctantly lol? If hes good at guitar thats great, music is great and such good therapy for them as well. He reminds me of my son so much, not many friends, not interested in sport etc. But my son has blossomed now, while I know he swears with his mates, its not allowed under our roof. And he respects that. Hope you don't mind me butting in!

that's not butting in but sharing similar experience chilled. glad it's working for you. do you think it's the 'less xbox' that's making a difference or the taking control with the xbox happening to be the one bit of currency you have? itms.

Or have a relationship based on conflict, and for the long term?

I'm no expert on this, or even amateur, I mention the book because it has been suggested by so many people so many times on this forum. Read the reviews on your favourite non tax paying internet store?

Traditional approach is to tuff it out and fight the fight. Some people may be able to keep that up for long enough to think they've 'won'.

The book suggests your child will come through this in the same time anyway if simply left to themselves.

Role models are not parents at this age, parents are the opposite. Parents are soemthing to rile against. The extent to which your child does this is unpredictable.

I didn't write it, some clever people did. It's not a magic solution to all ills, in fact it is clear that you may never have peace in your home whatever you try but...

The example situations are horribly realistic, the observations humourous and intelligent and the advice worth reading even for the sanity of recognising you're not alone.

For a few pounds and an evening reading instead of stressing you might discover something about yourself and your child.

I'll go further, buy it and if you aren't hooked by the end of the intro, I'll give you your money back.

That's good to hear and it will certainly give hope to the OP.

I definitely think its the xbox. Video games for prolonged periods seem to turn people unrecognisable. Thats just my experience. I dont like kids to think they win though either. Im the adult and I set the rules. If they dont like it they get the nice things that I pay for taken off them. Might be harsh but has worked for me so far with my 3 older kids. I do definitely agree that mum and dad have to be consistent and work together as well.

Hi honey badger, certainly not just ignoring problem and hope it goes away, if I was doing that i wouldn t be writing on here and ask for advice, I am going to talk to him but as I said I will be talking to him in a few more days.

I came home tonight and he was playing his guitar, didn t speak to me but his mum said he has been well behaved.

We all had tea together and we didn t argue, he told me about a funny prank on YouTube and general chit chat. It was the first time that I can remember we have got through a meal without arguing

After tea he asked when he was getting his Xbox back and I said when I had a son who respected the other people in the house .... Yea I know long shot.

He then went up stairs but wow, so much calmer.....only three days without it and so different.

This evening I have been on Amazon and downloaded "get out of my life" wow that is an eye opener. Wished I'd read it ages ago

See what tomorrow brings, we are supposed to be going to the theatre tomorrow night, as a family....wonder if he will come

Thanks chilledmummy for your comments,

Like I said on the comments before, my son is certainly calmer right now. I know the Xbox isn t completely the problem but it certainly has something to do with his language and anger.

By the way "get out of my life" is such a good book

Once again thank you to everyone who has added comments, everyone is useful and please more "butt in"

Well he is still a lot calmer, still not given him his Xbox back staying in his room and watching films and TV series box sets but generally better

Did disappoint his mother last night as we were all supposed to be going to the theatre but half an hour before we were suppose to leave he said he wouldn t go

When we got home, didn t make a big deal of it but said it would have been nice to have him with us, but I also understand that a adolescent teenager worst nightmare is to be seen out with his mum and dad

See what the weekend brings

Well after a week of no xbox and after reading the book "get out of my life" which so many people have recommended I do feel a bit better myself

No I haven t got a perfect child but I do feel I am dealing with the situations a lot better than I would of say couple of weeks ago.

my son is calmer and I would say my wife and I are the same, on Friday night Saturday morning my son and I spent some time together working on writing and recording music. He asked about getting his Xbox back but I didn't give him an answer and changed the subject quite quick.

Yesterday we were suppose to be going to my mother in laws for Sunday lunch and to see his two cousins and his uncle and auntie, he likes them all and especially likes my mother in laws Sunday lunch but again like a couple of days ago just before we were about to go he went upstairs to his room and pushed his chest of draws against the door and said he wasn t going.

Now a few weeks ago and before I had read that book I think I would have got angry and pushed the door ajar and told him to get himself in the car but yesterday I asked him why he wasn't coming, he said he simply didn't want to so I said ok, "well your mum and me are going, we will be back later" and we went.

Once we got back last night he said he was hungry and what was for tea, we said we had already eaten at your nans so we said he could have some toast, that was that , he went back up stairs and watched some movies, he again pushed the chest of draws against the door

This morning before going to work, while he was asleep I did push the door open and sat on his bed and woke him up and said I didn't want the door blocked again because it was a very dangerous thing to do if there was a fire and I couldn't get him out, he was half asleep but I said as much as he is a pain sometimes I would simply be broken-hearted to lose him. Not sure if he was listening to him but I was glad I told him

I do think when you have a adolescent child in your home you do forget to tell them you love them, guess mums still do but maybe dads forget

Anyway that was my weekend, my son is still a pain but after writing on here and reading people's views and also reading that book I do feel a little more qualified to deal with him

Hi, sounds good. I'm about to face the step daughter ticking bomb again this week so fingers x'd I can stay as collected as you have.

Have you found he still tries to pick fights, verbally? Or is he reacting to your less confrontational approach do you think?

I know he's not an experiment but I am soooo interested to see if he's on good behaviour because of the hostage xbox. What are your plans for it?

Good to hear. I will be downloading the book as well

HeSnotthemessiah-
Oh he is still picking fights with me, yesterday when he came down to make the toast he called me a number of names and gave me the finger but I didn t react at all.

My wife is on my side and supporting me at the moment and she tells me she can see I now seem to understand the "pick your battles" where as before I think I would have gone in full guns blazing on any small thing he did.

The Xbox - well I want to keep it off him as long as possible because of the amazing reaction I have seen in him, his horrible anger has gone, he still hates me I think but I guess I am his dad and some adolescent sons don't like their dad's I am hoping we can improve but as I think I mentioned on my last post, I can t remember the last time I have told my son how much he means to me, but this morning I did, yes he was half asleep but I think he took it in

Have you got the book "get out of my life" if not you must get it

Chillysundays- do it now, Not all of it is useful to me but the section on adolescent kids and what might be going on through their minds is totally eye opening, when it explains about the person becoming an adult and also wanting to stay a child it really is so interesting

my son isn t a respectful young man suddenly but I do understand him a little bit more, and not reacting like I would normally do has certainly changed our arguements

At some point he should be allowed his xbox back. At the end of the day he needs to learn to have it but not let it consume his whole time. It sounds like he is not ready for yet if he is still being disrespectful.

Messiah - hope it's not too stressful with your DSD. My DD is approaching 20 and is lovely now (odd moments) and would say this has happened in the last 18 months or so. I have commented before (not sure if on this thread or another) but when she was at school I would hide upstairs until she left the house as she would be evil.

I am toying with letting the teenager read the book, or at least the start of it.

I am mildly hopeful that the embarrassment of reading about their own behaviour and how they come across might shock them into maybe trying not to act like that in the first place.

Chillysunday- yes I totally agree, guess the hard part is when ?

When he does get it back I certainly want a limit to the amount of time I want him to be on it

Hesnotamessiah - Never even thought of my son reading the book....in fact I haven't seen my son reading a book at home for ages, bet if it was available as an Xbox game he would play it. Lol

Well things not great again,

Monday night we all sat round for tea and DS was been cheeky to my wife and me, saying how the tea was horrible and one day she might cook something he likes, well I guess normally I would reply back and we both would get into a shouting battle but I simple ignored him and simply said if you don t want it, I will have it as it was a lovely lamb stew

After tea instead of going to his room he stayed with us, whistling, make weird noises, anything to annoy us, I could actually see that he was with us waiting to argue - well I didn t and after well over half hour he got bored and went to his room and played his guitar.

Last night when we had a guest DS was very cheeky again and was really pushing it, being very rude to his mum in front of our guest, well I guess my calm side disappeared so we went in the other room and I told him how rude he was and embarrassing for his mother, well he loved it and launched into a list of name calling and yes I called him names back and I guess I was back at square one.

My wife has phoned me this morning and told me he says he isn t going to sixth form today so I told her it's his choice let him make it, about ten minutes later she phoned me back saying he has gone.

Did think I was actually getting somewhere but think we might be at stalemate again

That's a shame!

I do think this is a long haul and you should take heart from your initial experiences, it is going to take a huge amount of effort to keep this up in the face of huge provocation from your son.

There are two approaches you could take and you've tried the first which is ignoring.

Maybe in the situation you had with your guest present you can remain calm and just make the point that he's being rude to his mum and to stop it. And just keep repeating it.

Keep re reading the book, I don't think you're expected to have all the answers at your fingertips.

I do think there's a an opportunity to talk to him about his behaviour after the event, when you're out of the situation where he's trying to cause a fight then simply tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and must stop. And don't get into a debate.

It's interesting he stayed at the table to try and start something. I'm wondering whether this is boredom?

Remembering his adolescent mental state is one of just waiting for something to happen, his Xbox provided that for him, and when he wasn't on that having fights with you filled his day. Now he doesn't have either he's forced to take responsibility for himself, and taking himself away to play guitar is possibly a good sign of taking responsibility for himself.

Do take something from him going to school, it does show he knows what the right thing to do is, and that he understands it will be him that has to take the consequences of not turning up.

Hi Hesnotamessiah

Thank you for your reply and a really big thank you for your excellent advice

As I read i nodded in agreement, thank you.

Yes I do think a nice talk is due

This is going to be hard but try not to make it confrontational?

Maybe you could ask him how he expects his mum to feel after cooking a meal and him behaving like that? If he's that disinterested in his cooking would he like to cook something himself? Even something as simple as pizza.

What does he think your guest will have mad of him? If he was trying to embarrass you, then all that happened was he embarrassed himself.

I'm wondering whether if you make it clear to him that you and his mum, realise that he is growing up and you're there to support him rather than tell him what to do you can shift your relationship on?

I see having a teenager in the house a bit like getting a cat. There's no difference from not having one except thers a cat in the house. Both need food, water and shelter, and clearing up after them and only occasionally give something in return.

presumably if that boredom continues without you biting and without getting the xbox back he will have to find things to fill his time. he's already practicing his guitar - keep it up and what comes next? maybe he'll even be motivated to make arrangements to go out and do something or build better connections with friends from 6th form.

i think this is going well personally - it's just a case of keeping it up.

with the rudeness what does your wife say? why is it you having to tell him? may be better if she says it herself and it may be that that is what he is pushing for realistically. if he's being rude to her and the issue is respect for his mother then he's not going to gain that respect from you speaking for her. she needs to respond to his treatment of her.

Honey is right in that perhaps your wife should comment when your son is rude at the table. I would not be happy to be listening to my children slagging off my cooking. I accept that most people don't eat everything and if I cook something for the first time I accept that there could be negative comments which I am fine about as long as it is said in the right way. If your wife doesn't say anything he is no doubt thinking it is you making a big thing out of something that your wife isn't fussed about.

My DC would have been so embarrassed if they went somewhere for tea and their friend was rude to their parents in front of my DC. Your son has been disrespectful towards his friend

Time for another chat but do not rise to it - if he starts to kick off then tell him you will leave it until he can speak nicely.

Keep at it.

I’ve read your thread and I’m happy things are starting to go so much better. Just a couple of thoughts…. Does your DS cook? It’s a useful lifeskill. A year or so ago I gave my DS (now 16) one of those basic studenty cookbooks and for the last few months he has been cooking dinner once a week from it (and washing up the utensils too!) He gets to choose what he makes, I stay right out of the kitchen unless he asks for help, and we compliment his achievements and don’t criticise - some of it has been excellent but sometimes the best thing I can find to say is “it’s very nice to eat something different for dinner” I think it’s a lot easier to appreciate other people’s cooking if you try to cook yourself.

My own DS is surgically attached to various electronic devices. It’s certainly easier to get him off them if he has something specific to do, and I don’t stop him playing so long as everything has been done. But then again, I absolutely don’t give him 18 games and we’ve always had a no-electronics-after bedtime (11pm-ish) rule and it hasn’t occurred to him to flout it – yet! We probably have that to look forward to (sigh)

I became a much nicer person once I left home and lived independently, aged 19.