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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

24h before prom daughter breaks down, abandoned by "friends". Help.

119 replies

Northofengland7 · 03/07/2014 05:02

My daughter has just told us 4 girls going pre and after prom one house, and 2 do the same to another house, so that she is faced with us taking her, arriving alone, and being collected alone after the first (16yo) real social event of her life. We have been gently asking for weeks what is going on, and if anyone would like to come for Buck's Fizz with parents before, etc, all with replies "I'm not sure yet" etc. clearly (now) just fobbing us off, putting on a brave face.
Then... Floods of tears at bedtime, and 2 helpless parents unable to provide any sort of solution and feeling utterly helpless. She asked last night how she could get to 16 and have no friends, and I can't help her. Any small words of advice would be greatly appreciated. I am new to this website and whilst I know there are much worse things that could happen to a child, as parents we are distraught.

OP posts:
BucksKid · 03/07/2014 05:13

No advice sorry.

But proms are horrible things.

Does she want to go?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2014 05:21

Are there only 6 other girls going or are they her former friends? Is she being willfully excluded for some reason or is it just an oversight? Flowers

In the long term, giving her the skills to deal with this will make her a happier, healthier person but it hurts like nothing else at the time.

Original poster
Northofengland7 · 03/07/2014 05:21

Yes, she does want to go. In all the tears, I was quite proud she still wanted to go. I feel so sorry for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northofengland7 · 03/07/2014 05:28

There are over 100 going. The four have gradually excluded her over time, (going to different 6th form), one of them is v nasty. The other two have mothers I don't know, who have arranged their evening together. (Only found out last night).
She thinks 6th form will have nice people in, but my worry is all from the same pool she has been with for 5 years and haven't been friends during that time???
My immediate cry for help is for Friday night. I want her to enjoy somehow... But can't see a way. Thx.

OP posts:
GretchenWiener · 03/07/2014 06:05

Proms are not horrible things. Despite media exaggeration they are mostly lovely celebrations of the achivmdnts of teens

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 03/07/2014 06:15

Your poor DD. Any chance you could phone one of the other mums (the two you don't know) and appeal to their better nature? Offer to take or collect?

saffronwblue · 03/07/2014 06:17

Poor girl. If she wants to go, encourage her to hold her head up high and get in there. Could you organise hair and make-up to help her feel amazing? Could she do a ring around any other girls to see if there is another group she can join?
There is nothing like the pain of your child feeling rejected. Hugs to all of you.

Willyoulistentome · 03/07/2014 06:17

Are there any others you could invite to yours for a pre prom get together?

captainproton · 03/07/2014 06:24

At 16 I don't think you can ring around mums of other girls. That would be social suicide. Or at least I would have been mortified!

A lot of people find that school was the best time of their lives, the friendships the fun etc, and they never quite have the same in life again before life takes over. Others find that life at college/university is where the real friendships and fun begins. Certainly most of my friends I have made since leaving school.

Encourage your daughter to focus on the future where she doesn't have to be forced to socialise with others who are nothing like her just because they attend the same school.

monkeytennismum · 03/07/2014 06:25

I agree with the others who say could you maybe link up with the other 2 girls and offer to take or pick up.

Re advice for what to say to your DD. I had a similar thing happen to me at a similar age. My lovely Stepdad sat with me and cuddled me and told me I was beautiful and clever and not worth these silly friends. He told me I'd be off to Uni soon and would find myself and make great friends. At that precise moment I didn't believe a word of it and it didn't really help. However, he was spot on and I have never forgot what he said that evening. So basically, I think nothing you can say will help at the time but reassurance of her wonderfulness will register somewhere in her subconscious so she'll know she is very loved, and it will be a building block for her self-confidence.

Isitmylibrarybook · 03/07/2014 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deXavia · 03/07/2014 06:29

So focusing on Friday - is she prepared to go on her own? Can you help prepare, even act out how that will work? Go a little bit later than scheduled. Whats the plan -are there pictures on arrival? Straight into the hall/room? Think through all her options. As someone said it will actually stand her in good stead as she gets older to be able and willing to go into places alone.
Pick up - can you keep it flexible? She may get in with a group once she is there.

Longer term probably need to think through what happened. Did the group of 2 think she'd be with group of 4 and vice versa? What happens at lunch, after school, school holidays? Don't judge her whole time at school and time in 6th form on one evening.

slartybartfast · 03/07/2014 06:33

that happened to dd's friend, at the last minute there was no room in the carthey were travelling in for her. i think she was fine. she was taken, dropped off and there were hoards of them having photos taken when they got there, once she gets there she will be fine. take photos of the two of you before you leave.

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 06:46

Your poor DD, I really feel for her.
I think you can only be supportive, as monkeytennismum says, and reassure her. It may not help much but it will register on some level.
After that just help her with the evening, take the photos and do as deXavia advises.
The 6th form is a new start and encourage her to see it that way.
Does she do much out of school? A part time job for the summer would be good or volunteering for something. Widen her circle.
Just reassure her that her position at 16yrs isn't going to be for life and she isn't alone. There will be many others in her position but they are not going to admit to it.
My very best wishes for Friday- do hope it goes off OK.

foxinthebox · 03/07/2014 06:51

If I was one of the unknown mothers of the two, I wouldn't mind a phone call. What is the story of those two girls? Nice or mean?

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 06:54

You can't embarrass your DD by calling up another mum- they are too old for that.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 03/07/2014 07:08

But if it is only 4 girls meeting at someone's home pre prom, that doesn't mean they will be stuck like glue to one another at the prom itself, surely? It doesn't mean they will cut your DD out at the prom, it just means they have a car full, to cut down on traffic at the venue. It's a great idea, wish I'd though of it for DD's prom. She was the only one of her friends in her year without a boyfriend, but that didn't mean she was left out by them at the prom or that she found it any less enjoyable.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 03/07/2014 07:11

What about the '2 girls doing the same at another house' could you offer to drive the girls there, or pick them up, and see if your DD can ask if she can join in there?

Casmama · 03/07/2014 07:20

The very best thing you can do is help her get some perspective on this - with over 100 going there will be loads going on their own.
I can understand you feeling sorry for her but her knowing that will make her feel worse not better.

Be flexible about pickup as other opportunities may present on the night.

Rachie1986 · 03/07/2014 07:25

Feel for her - being 16 is hard!!
Hope she has a fab time despite the worries now xx

Wishfulmakeupping · 03/07/2014 07:40

Have the group of two left her out on purpose it sounds like a misunderstanding? She is properly to proud to ask but I think that's worth checking into ?
Or maybe she could arrange to meet them outside?

If you're going to be getting ready for her and you want it to be special then some little ideas:
Firstly if she has any sisters or cousins (girls) get them round so you can have a laugh while she's getting ready.
Music, nibbles and something fizzy while she's getting ready.
Is her outfit sorted? Is it too late to arrange a little beauty session maybe tan/nails done day before or get her hair/make up done on the day?

As a long term plan I think summer clubs/sports would be a good ideas. Would your dd like youth theatre? That would be a lovely way to make new friends if she didn't want to be centre of attention they are always looking out for people behind the scenes to help out.
Then maybe look at another sixth form if needed.

I hope your dd has a lovely time in the end, it's only 1 night though remember x

Cleanthatroomnow · 03/07/2014 07:57

Good she still has the desire to go. I would encourage that. Sounds a bit late to join a "pre" event, but I think it's very probable she will end up an after do of some description. The momentum of the evening will take over and she will most likely click with another group.

Sorry-- it's a form of bullying and just what certain girls do. I had all boys and this sort of thing never came up, but among the girls in their school it was commonplace.

bigTillyMint · 03/07/2014 08:01

Oh your poor DD. But good on her that she still wants to go.

If I was one of the other mums, I would so want to make sure she was included and so would all my mum-friends, but I can see that it could be awkward to ask, especially if you don't know them.

If she is feeling brave enough, could you rock up with her in a cab and let her just mingle in with the others?

BurnThisDiscoDown · 03/07/2014 08:05

Just wanted to say I never really fitted in at school, but in 6th form I made some brilliant friends that I still see now, 20 years later. They were at the same school all the time, but I hadn't got to know them previously as the school was large and we weren't in the same classes etc. So there's every chance 6th form will be better for her! Smile

Original poster
Northofengland7 · 03/07/2014 08:47

Thank you very much for all the support on my first request.
The two girls mums "have been planning it for ages" I found out last night.
I don't really want (for her self esteem) to offer to pick 2 up from their private party and taxi the rest of the way?
I can't really offer to collect them at the end, when she hasn't been invited to the sleepover either?
I'm not surprised at the 4, but I am disappointed in the two. I think it's I'm alright Jack, rather than malice. (I hope) Also the mothers are close.
She thinks she will be ok when she gets there, but it breaks my heart that she will turn up and leave alone. Also, the photos?!? She will have her phone, so we can pick up if all goes badly.
She does a sports club a few times a week, but all the 16yo have sadly dropped out, so all are a bit younger or older than her. She has not made friends there in spite of going for many years.
I think I may call her y11 head, and ask her to keep an eye on her.
I am so upset that it has come to this and I can't fix anything.
Thank you all again for your help and kind words.

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