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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

24h before prom daughter breaks down, abandoned by "friends". Help.

119 replies

Northofengland7 · 03/07/2014 05:02

My daughter has just told us 4 girls going pre and after prom one house, and 2 do the same to another house, so that she is faced with us taking her, arriving alone, and being collected alone after the first (16yo) real social event of her life. We have been gently asking for weeks what is going on, and if anyone would like to come for Buck's Fizz with parents before, etc, all with replies "I'm not sure yet" etc. clearly (now) just fobbing us off, putting on a brave face.
Then... Floods of tears at bedtime, and 2 helpless parents unable to provide any sort of solution and feeling utterly helpless. She asked last night how she could get to 16 and have no friends, and I can't help her. Any small words of advice would be greatly appreciated. I am new to this website and whilst I know there are much worse things that could happen to a child, as parents we are distraught.

OP posts:
MrsReacher85 · 03/07/2014 08:57

I had similar issues in school and found that having a job was my saviour, friends wise. I waiteressed in a pub/restaurant and made some great friends there. (Albeit some were probably not ones my parents would have approved of!)

Having a job meant that I had other friends, a bit more confidence and my own money. Could this be an option?

bigTillyMint · 03/07/2014 08:58

I am so Sad that those 2 mums can't find it in their hearts to involve your DD somehow.

She is being so brave - good on her. And hopefully she will make some nice more mature and caring friends when she goes into sixth-form.

ExcuseTypos · 03/07/2014 09:02

I think phoning the head of year is a fantastic idea.Smile

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 03/07/2014 09:04

Oh Noth, I didn't mean it like that, I meant if she were joining in and included, that you'd be willing to help.

Sometimes being on the recieving end on this kind of thing can make you a warmer, kinder and more compassionate person. I do hope that is how it is for your DD and she can enjoy the night and be happy for herself and her whole year group. Flowers

ExcuseTypos · 03/07/2014 09:05

My DNeice had similar problems all the way through school.

As MrsReacher says getting a job is a great idea. My niece has made some fantastic, mature friends and is off to uni this September full of confidence.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 03/07/2014 09:07

Yes, to add, DD does quite a bit of voluntwering and has made great friends of all ages for life through that. x

ExcuseTypos · 03/07/2014 09:22

Yes great idea YeGods. Both my DDs have volunteered- it can be whatever she's interested in DD1 she was on committees for fund raising for a charity the school sponsored, and she was involved in organising fundraising events.

Dd2 volunteered outside school, there's lots of things to choose from.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/07/2014 09:37

My DD was in a group of 9 all through school. One girl (insecure, a bit out of the loop normally) volunteered to organise the transport and pre event. She booked it a car for 8 and deliberately left out the "poor" girl of the group. When my DD protested she was told "Don't worry, you are in".

I have never been so proud of my DD as when she told them to stuff the limo and went off to make different arrangements with the left out girl. One other nice girl joined them. I haven't forgotten who the sheep were though. DD doesn't really see much of them anymore.

Incidentally "poor" girls Mum had a friend who was a used car salesman. They rocked up to the prom in a gorgeous vintage jag, for free.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 03/07/2014 09:39

Tinkly that's given me goose bumps! :)

bigTillyMint · 03/07/2014 09:46

Tinkly, that is such a fantastic storySmile

Spinaroo · 03/07/2014 09:49

Yes, I would call the school. Is it a sit down meal do they would be able to advise who she would be sitting with?

16 can be a terrible age but, as adults who have come though it, we can be a great example of how little it means in the grand scheme of things, even though she may need lots of reassurance just now.

Poledra · 03/07/2014 09:56

I like wishfulmakeupping's ideas - does she have cousins or friends who are not going to the prom (older or younger) who could come round and make a little party before the prom? Older girls are probably better, in that you can quietly let them know a little bit about the problems, and ask them to treat her like a princess. They could come and wave her off to the prom too maybe?

My heart goes out to her, if we'd done proms when I were a lass, the same thing could have well happened to me. As lot of otehr people ahve said, I found myself and my 'people' at uni and made friends there that have stayed with me ever since coughfor 25 years cough

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/07/2014 09:56

Oh she walks her own path my DD, cannot turn her back on any injustice.

Actually it it worries me quite a lot.

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 10:57

I would get her to google 'volunteering opportunities' and your county and see what comes up. Most places have a wildlife trust- my DS did things for them. It is much easier to make friends if you are doing things together.
Part time jobs are far more difficult to come by but would give her some money and independence. Lots of holiday schemes are looking for helpers if she likes working with younger children.
I think she will be fine when she gets there- it is just so easy to feel really left out if you haven't got the prior arrangements.
6th form really is a new start- friendships change.
Being a teenager is hard- I was much happier once I left those years behind.

Original poster
Northofengland7 · 03/07/2014 13:21

Tinkly great story! She sounds fab! Don't worry about her, she sounds like she's got the right idea.
Cousins etc are all older and off doing exciting things.
I am wondering if I should have invested more in befriending mothers of kids friends? Slightly regretting not having done that now.

OP posts:
ChillySundays · 03/07/2014 13:28

Transport wise do you know some who has a two seater convertible (or hard top)? When she turns up it will look more like a conscious decision to go alone. My daughter was left out of a group but so was someone else so they went together. But the group would be talking about the limo and the party.
It is horrible and you know as an adult they are not bloody worth it but it is heartbreaking.

As far as sixth form is concerned there will be different students. Unless someone is doing exactly the same subjects the timetable will be so that free lesson are not the same. My daughter would talk to people in lessons - she would often say that she was speaking to someone who in the whole five years at secondary school the both of them had never spoken a word.

MrsReacher was the same as my daughter - she got a part time and made friends that way.
The girl she went to the prom with - both went to sixth form college and never stayed friends after the prom.

ChillySundays · 03/07/2014 13:29

Missed the Tinkly's comment about the car when I posted

CanaryYellow · 03/07/2014 13:30

Ah this is so sad.

If there are 100 children going, then chances are there will actually be quite a few going on their own - they're just not shouting about it.

Be really proud that she still wants to go. Good on her. She will be fine once she gets there, keep the picking up arrangements flexible as she may find herself invited to something last minute.

If I were your neighbour or friend I'd come over and make a big fuss of her before she leaves Smile. I hope she has a fabulous time.

Original poster
Northofengland7 · 03/07/2014 13:36

This might sound silly, but I didn't think of that! I have a little convertible 2 seater ChillySundays !! My other half could take her in that with the roof off (weather and hairdo permitting) ? What a great idea!?!

OP posts:
KittiesInsane · 03/07/2014 13:37

Going from last weekend's event, ANY transport is just fine (add ribbons!), and funny is good: do you know anyone with access to a scooter, campervan, Mini or Beetle, tandem, cycle-rickshaw?

Two boys arrived in a shopping trolley last year, one on a skateboard and one in a wheelbarrow. DD says she's 'going in a boat' when it's her turn, but hasn't let me know how that's going to work.

If they take photos on entry, I saw plenty of kids having theirs done with misty-eyed parents rather than gangs of friends.

DS (shy type) actually avoided the whole red carpet bit last year and snuck in round the side by arrangement with the staff.

KittiesInsane · 03/07/2014 13:38

Cross-posted. Sounds like you have the perfect transport and escort right there.

ChillySundays · 03/07/2014 13:41

Glad to be of help! Even if roof is up it's a sports car. Hope all goes well

KERALA1 · 03/07/2014 13:42

Please don't let on to her that you are upset on her behalf

JugglingFromHereToThere · 03/07/2014 13:45

Oh, Tinkly's story is fab. You should be so proud of your dd Tinkly.

I hope my dd might do the same -
When there was an "in" group at school she and a few friends formed another gang calling themselves "the misfits" or something (can never remember exactly what it was, but such a cool and classy approach - I loved it!)

Also love that the three of them rocked up in a convertible jag - how fabulous.

But anyway, before reading everyone's latest posts, was going to post that have we lost a little bit of collective perspective, when we worry quite so much about how we're going to get to a prom and home again, when the pre-party and after-party aspects take on quite so much of a life of their own? I don't mean it un-sympathetically at all (I hope that's clear from what I said earlier) just that a little bit of perspective can be helpful.

We're lucky to have our teenage DC, and great that we can help them celebrate some of life's milestones with a fab prom with their mates (we never had such things in my day - stamps foot petulantly Grin)

If we can make getting ready and arriving in style an extra fun bit then that's great - but surely just going can be fun too?

Anyway I think the best bet might be to see who else is feeling a bit left out and see if you can team up with them and help each other out? - a bit like Tinkly's dd did? Good luck to you all, hope it works out OK

nilbyname · 03/07/2014 13:47

I think you 2 will have a blast getting ready. Get in loads of treats (home or salon mani/pedi, face packs, spray tan?), turn the music up and it will be really special for her, keep bigging her up, make sure she is feeling and looking superb. Afterwards, DVDS, snacks and a sleepover with you. Tell DH to get lost.

Is there a handsome older neighbour (college aged)/friend/cousin who could dress up smart and escort her in? That would be so wow!

Girls can be horrors.

I went to my end of year prom in my DMs and a vintage black dress with one other friend. It was awesome.