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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Naive, thoughtless dd, 15

39 replies

doglover · 18/04/2014 21:59

My dd and her friend popped out before 7:30 to our local shop. They should have been home within 20 min. After half an hour we tried their phones ............. no reply. After an hour, I reluctantly contacted the other girl's parents but they hadn't heard anything either. We went out looking for them to no avail - it was completely dark by now. They walked in at gone 9pm not aware that we'd been frantic with worry because they'd not been in touch.

I really let rip and told them how disappointed we were with their thoughtless behaviour. We're not strict parents but do expect to be kept in touch with what our dds are doing.

Our dd did apologise sincerely and realised how upset we were. Should we leave it there and 'move on' tomorrow? Have further discussions about consequences?

OP posts:
dexter73 · 18/04/2014 22:11

Did you tell them they had to come home straight away? Also why didn't they answer their phones - no signal or just didn't answer?

rootypig · 18/04/2014 22:15

Revoke privileges for next weekend, or whenever she next goes out, for one night. That was the standard, always-the-case consequence in my house if I missed curfew and it worked well. DM explained that if I missed curfew, I kept her up worrying - so I could see it was fair.

Original poster
doglover · 18/04/2014 22:30

Thanks for the replies. It didn't even occur to us to say come straight home because she always has. Our dd hadn't taken her phone and her friend's was on silent so didn't know we were trying to contact her.

I think the revoke privileges idea is the best way to go. She needs to understand the consequences for her actions.

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 18/04/2014 22:31

If this is the first time, your concern might well be enough to make her remember to be less daft for a while. I think leave it there, tomorrow's another day, but explain that if she worries you like that again then there will be a consequence.

Original poster
doglover · 18/04/2014 22:35

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
RufusTheReindeer · 18/04/2014 22:36

Agree with remus

Original poster
doglover · 18/04/2014 22:38

We'll see how contrite she is tomorrow and, hopefully, be able to move on. If she appears defiant, we'll use the 'revoke' route!

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 18/04/2014 22:39

Sounds like a plan! :)

rootypig · 18/04/2014 22:41

Perhaps if revoking is a consequence you agree with / are going to practise, you could say this time, no worries, you simply didn't think (which I think is generous and likely to help put DD on right footing) but in future, that will be the consequence. I think it's better if teenage DC know the consequence of behaviour beforehand, iyswim.

AgentProvocateur · 18/04/2014 23:00

I think you're overreacting. They're 15, and you didn't tell them to come straight home, yet they were home by 9.... Do you really expect to keep tabs on them constantly at that age?

alita7 · 19/04/2014 00:36

I can see they problem but can see why if you didn't say to come straight home that they may have got distracted. I would remember to say what is expected next time. If she still comes back more than say 10- 20 minutes late then punish her, if not you can assume it was an accidental slip up.

Bedsheets4knickers · 20/04/2014 17:06

Sorry I think your going over the top. Their 15 not 10 !

mumeeee · 20/04/2014 17:57

I'm another one who thinks you are going over the top. They went out at 7.30 and were back by 9 so only gone for an hour and a half. They are 15 and you didn't give them a time to be back by,

Brakeover · 27/04/2014 22:59

I am surprised that she would only be out for twenty minutes or have to let you know she would be out longer or you would be " frantic with worry"

I used to wander around for hours as a child at ten , in the seventies, times have changed , but to not be able to have a little impromptu chat or sit down on a bench and chat with a mate without your parents being frantic seems way over the top they are surely old enough for that?

Do you live in a very dangerous area?

joanofarchitrave · 27/04/2014 23:04

Seems over the top to me, but I accept I don't have a 15-year-old daughter.

Brakeover · 27/04/2014 23:09

I mean don't you get to an age here you re your own person and, within reason, parents don't always know your whereabouts?

Trollsworth · 27/04/2014 23:12

You know that on her next birthday, she can fuck off to Gretna Green and get married, move out and never bother speaking to you again?

Not that I think she will, I'm just trying to put your "she went to the shop and didn't come back immediately!" Rage into perspective.

Trollsworth · 27/04/2014 23:13

What the fuck, this is not my name! What has happened?

thenightsky · 27/04/2014 23:15

Troll...???

Trollsworth · 27/04/2014 23:17

This is the first day I logged in since the heartbleed thing. Trolls worth is not my nickname! I'm normally colditz.

AgentProvocateur · 28/04/2014 07:10

Colditz, did you change your password? After heartbleed, we all had to sign in with new passwords.

jasminemai · 28/04/2014 07:13

Your dd sounds like an angel child for a 15 year old!

Mrsantithetic · 28/04/2014 07:26

I'd just say in future if your going to stay out let us know and leave it there. Seems a bit OTT to me really but I know it's a worry when they do things out of character

Mrsjayy · 28/04/2014 08:57

I also think you are being slightly OTT you did panic and they came home at 9 they are 15 got side tracked if your dd was on her own and didn't come back from the shop then i can see the point just tell them to let you know if they are going elsewhere, you can't keep tabs on 15 yr olds like that

Theas18 · 28/04/2014 09:09

Ok they were longer than you thought but it looks like you didn't actually give any rules to follow just expected them to know so unfair to punish.

Next time-
You want to go out? - ok that's fine BUT - I need to know when you will be back ( let her suggest a time, negotiate if it's not ok) and- and this is the absolute un shakeable bottom line - you must have your phone with you, switched on and answer it. Tell her you WILL make at least one test call ( and do it). And if you are delayed let me know

My near 15yr old has a lot more freedom than yours but I think the "training " started earlier lol. To me have your phone and have it on /answer it is vital to letting them stretch their wings bit by bit.

My only worry would be, if she doesn't normally go out at all ( which I assume as you were so panicked ) what was she doing? Hanging in the part with the cider gang wouldn't be ok!