Naive, thoughtless dd, 15

[doglover]

My dd and her friend popped out before 7:30 to our local shop. They should have been home within 20 min. After half an hour we tried their phones ............. no reply. After an hour, I reluctantly contacted the other girl's parents but they hadn't heard anything either. We went out looking for them to no avail - it was completely dark by now. They walked in at gone 9pm not aware that we'd been frantic with worry because they'd not been in touch.

I really let rip and told them how disappointed we were with their thoughtless behaviour. We're not strict parents but do expect to be kept in touch with what our dds are doing.

Our dd did apologise sincerely and realised how upset we were. Should we leave it there and 'move on' tomorrow? Have further discussions about consequences?

[Cerisier]

My 15 year old has a lot more freedom than yours too. She knows she should text periodically and she has to let us know roughly when she'll be home.

We still have times when this doesn't happen though, so the training is still in progress.

We do use FindMyIphone so we know roughly where she is in the city, it stops some of the worry.

[maddiebrowns]

Major overreaction here. Just tell her it panicked you. 15 year olds are a lot older nowadays than a 15 year old was back in the 80's. So calm down.

[Bonsoir]

I think that you have made your opinions clear - and that there wasn't necessarily much clarity beforehand, so your DD isn't entirely at fault here.

You need to set out the conditions for her leaving your home - does she have to say where she is going? Does she have to give you a time by which she will be home? Does she have to have her telephone with her and on at all times? Etc. She needs to know your expectations before you can expect her to keep to them.

[Youdontneedacriminallawyer]

I think you're over reacting. They are 15. They were gone for 90mins. I have no idea where my 16yo is most of the time.

[NigellasDealer]

they are 15 not nine although I see why you worried, but that goes with the territory.
massive over-reaction to be honest

[Goblinchild]

Bonsoir is right, you need her to know the rules before you can say she broke them.
I wouldn't be putting any sanctions in place this time, just explain that you were worried and therefore cross. It probably didn't occur to her that 90 minutes was a problem.

[Goblinchild]

'15 year olds are a lot older nowadays than a 15 year old was back in the 80's'

Nope, I was a 15 year old in the 70s. No mobile phones then.

[NigellasDealer]

i think 15 olds are actually treated as being a lot younger than before

[Itsfab]

This has made me think about the difficulties I have in explaining to the children why I worry without making them think the world is a dangerous scary place. They are 8-13 years old atm.

Colditz - have you alerted MNHQ to the problem?

[Goblinchild]

I told mine that I loved them beyond reason, and that I worried about them, so I needed to know that they were safe and well.
I set a few basic rules that I expected them to keep, and I warned them that if they made me afraid for them, I would keep them safe. So safe that Alcatraz would look like a holiday camp.
So they let me know where they are going, text me if plans change and respond if I text them. I don't fuss and they liked the freedom.
It worked so well that they still do it now they are adults, it's just good manners.

[Itsfab]

It is only the eldest who is ever out without me or DH but I do worry if I ring home and he doesn't answer. I then have a word with myself. I am just a worrier but then I only have DH and DCs.

[Youdontneedacriminallawyer]

Agree with Nigella. At 15 I would go off on my bike with my friends and some sandwiches and not be seen for the rest if the day. I would just be expected home for tea. Mobile phones have made us paranoid about wanting to know where everyone is and keeping in contact all the time. They have their uses, but you shouldn't automatically panic just because someone doesn't answer when you call.