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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I am in a cold sweat....

69 replies

chocoluvva · 19/03/2014 21:36

DD's boyfriend is taking his driving test tomorrow. Apparently he wants to take her out in his (family's second) car on Friday evening if he passes. It'll be dark obviously and he might want other friends to join them - though hopefully not (I'm thinking of accident risk factors - ie, having more than one passenger) as he's going to a lads' night at a friend's house on Saturday.

He lives nine miles from us - we're in a suburb - he's in a small town. The roads aren't horrendous and I know he's done the drive from his to ours before, but some stretches have a 60mph limit and the thought of him driving that route with DD fills me with terror.

DD/BF are in the habit of staying over at each other's homes at the weekend. At the moment the plan is for them to go a city-centre cinema then come back here but if he isn't allowed to have the car overnight, he'll no doubt invite her back to his.... The thought of him driving into town isn't quite so bad - less risky? - but the thought of them driving back out to his - dual carriageway and country roads....

I don't know what I'm hoping you wise ladies can say as I don't want my DD being a passenger in his car, but I don't want to say she can't either. His parents trust him, his friends will probably be delighted to go out with him in his car......

He's a nice lad and he doesn't seem reckless but I hope he doesn't pass.

OP posts:

PortofinoRevisited · 19/03/2014 21:40

He might fail! I would say (going on my own experiience that you are always a bit nervous driving the car ON YOUR OWN for the first time, so I would would not hesitiate to ban any activities involving the car the minute he passed his test.

BOFtastic · 19/03/2014 21:45

I'd have no hesitation in saying no, not after dark, and not in a car full of pals.

75% of women who die in road accidents are passengers in a vehicle driven by a male driver aged between 17 and 24. The biggest killer of teenage girls is teenage boys.

BOFtastic · 19/03/2014 21:51

There was a superb drama on BBC3 last year with an amazing cast which I'd strongly recommend you watch with your daughter. Both episodes are online here.

PortofinoRevisited · 19/03/2014 21:53

Good point BOF.

BOFtastic · 19/03/2014 21:53

And Part Two is here.

I can't recommend it highly enough. It was called The Crash.

JeanSeberg · 19/03/2014 21:56

Excellent advice. Far too soon only one day post-test.

Original poster

chocoluvva · 19/03/2014 21:59

Thank you for your replies.

I know the risk factors are driving after dark and having more than one passenger. She knows that too. She's completely in love with her BF and would probably think nothing would happen to her/him, in that 'it wouldn't happen to me though' way that young people have.

Maybe his parents won't let him take the car out until he's driven on his own in the daylight.

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Piscivorus · 19/03/2014 22:00

The first time DS went out in the car after passing his test was one of the longest nights of my life! He is sensible and a good driver but I was still terrified.

I have had no qualms at all about "the Mum talk" with my own DCs and their friends about driving safely, not showing off to friends, etc. Two of my schoolfriends were killed in separate accidents when I was at school, I still remember them and, as the years go by, feel so sad at all the life they have missed. I think it is often stories like that about real people that bring safety home to young people

BOFtastic · 19/03/2014 22:05

Here's a thread from very recently. It must happen every week.

BOFtastic · 19/03/2014 22:10

The statistics are pretty shocking.

JeanSeberg · 19/03/2014 22:13

I think Crash should be compulsory viewing as part of the driving test. I have 3 teenage sons and this is my worst nightmare.

littlegreenlight1 · 19/03/2014 22:18

No no no. I have never forgiven my mother for asking (ok not making) me to drive to London which is around 80 miles from us, the week after I passed my test, to go to Heathrow to pick up family (with her driving in front all that said but even so?) I had to drive through Hammersmith and other places later that day and I nearly died through fear. I was there the otehr day and although that was half my life ago (I was 17!!!!) and Im a confident driver, Im still shaken by it.
I know your situation is different, but even so... my dd is not far off this situation and it will take months of day time, slow driving, careful dual carriageway driving etc before I trust either of them to do it at night. Years if I have my way ;)

fortyplus · 19/03/2014 22:18

My two boys both passed their test aged 17 and I can say sincerely that I'd be horrified at the idea of them going out at night with their mates until they'd had a fair bit of practice. Ds2 has a stipulation on his insurance that he can only have one passenger under the age of 21 in the car.

fortyplus · 19/03/2014 22:20

By the way they're 18 and 20 now and both seem to have a very responsible attitude to driving. Ds1 was giving me a lift and was doing 50 on a dual carriageway. I commented that I was surprised he was driving so sedately and he gave me a lecture about fuel economy! Make sure they're paying for their own fuel and they'll drive slower!

OddBoots · 19/03/2014 22:25

I've got a couple of years before I'm in this boat but it is a scary time, I remember what a numpty I was when I first passed.

VoyageDeVerity · 19/03/2014 22:28

BOF thanks so much for that link.

Original poster

chocoluvva · 19/03/2014 22:30

Last year a new friend of DD's who was seven months past getting his license came round to introduce himself and ask for our permission to take DD out to dinner in his car.

I was surprisingly impressed with him - he listened to my trotting out statistics then said all the right things - he had driven a lot for his work, he had given himself a fright shortly after passing his test and his DF had told him that if he absolutely had to take risks to make sure he had no passengers. He also said that if we weren't happy they would get a taxi. (He was clearly very keen on DD!)

I agreed to DD going in his car (she fell out with him shortly after anyway!)

This situation is obviously much riskier.

And yet, I know plenty of parents who ask their teenagers to drive their younger siblings around....

It's just occurred to me that he could drive them to the railway station to get the train into town then drive back from the railway station.

OP posts:

Original poster

chocoluvva · 19/03/2014 22:32

x-posted with littlegreenlight

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Nocomet · 19/03/2014 22:36

DD's BFF has just started driving lessons (she's a year older) and I know this day will come.

I'm only worried that BFF's DM will have given her such a lecture that she'll be far more nervous than she needs to be.

My DDads answer to this was to teach me to drive and give me a car, so I didn't have to rely on lifts.

The result of this was I gave a odd geeky lad a lift home from an astronomy meeting and married him!

magimedi · 19/03/2014 22:41

The answer is NO - how ever unpopular it makes you.

FFS - he will have had his test for 24 hours.

How much night driving has he done?

How often will he have driven without an experienced driver/instructor beside him?

I am sure he is a very nice lad but I think it is one of those times you put your foot down.

Better to be the grinch than any other possibilities.

Original poster

chocoluvva · 19/03/2014 22:43

TBH - I find it quite surprising that so many parents fund their teenagers' lessons. I know it's an extremely useful skill, but don't they worry that they are facilitating potentially dangerous behaviour?

DD has just sent off for her provisional license. We can't afford to insure her to drive our car though.

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Catsmamma · 19/03/2014 22:49

I've always said to the children never to take (or give) lifts when folks (drivers/passengers) are drunk or dodgy

ds1 passed his test at 17, and was more or less the nominated driver for his group, he is however SUPREMELY sensible...and no, I am not blinkered. He also ferried dd and ds2 about good bit as befits his oder brother status.

I made sure he got to practise in the dark picking me up and dropping me off from places and dh took him out onto the dual carriageway night and day to buff up those aspects

DD also had a driving BF and driving friends so she got the same talk... CALL US...we will collect you. And has since passed her test, we have been a little more remiss with the dual carriageway...she tends to potter in and out of town, but has got many night drivign hours under her belt on local roads. She often collects dh/me/ds2 from the station.

In the OPs situation I'd be quite Eeekk!! but all you can do is drum a safety ethic into them and hope it sticks. I could hardly baulk at dd and her driving boyfriend, when my ds1 had been someone's driving boyfriend and mother's worry!

Original poster

chocoluvva · 19/03/2014 22:54

Would you allow her to go into town with him in his car - without any other passengers - the day after his test?

What do you think of my idea of saying I'm not happy at the though, but he can drive them to the rail station (approx. 1.5 miles away)?

Hopefully his parents won't let him take the car out anyway. although they seem more laid-back than me, unfortunately

Or he'll fail.

OP posts:

Nocomet · 20/03/2014 01:13

If you live somewhere rural you teach your children to drive or accept they will take lifts with their mates.

There is no public transport. The once I needed a taxi I had to ring about 4 before I could find any one prepared to come out here.

A seventeen year old learns to drive far more easily than a 27 year old.

Only one of us bent their car (twice, on ice, due to having a BF in a stupid far flung hill town) and she was far and away the most sensible of the lot of us.

She should simply have stayed the night, but back then parents wouldn't have approved.

Anyhow, DD1 already has a hobby that frequetky kills people and DD2 tries to break her neck trampolining.

TeenAndTween · 20/03/2014 12:07

I wouldn't be happy, at night, the day after the test.

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