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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just found out DD's had sex

55 replies

BeyondStressed42 · 17/02/2014 19:32

I'm in an absolute whirlwind right now!
Should probably start out with a bit of background:
DD is 15 (16 in a couple of months) and has been going out with her boyfriend (who is 16) for around 6 months now. Her bf seems a lovely boy who seems to care greatly about dd. They are very close and go out every weekend into town just the two of them and then meet up with friends later, go to each others houses during the week, parties etc. Today DD and bf went into town so she could get her dad a birthday present and then went back to his house to watch a film (I should have known that this sounded too good to be true), about 10 minutes ago I just received a phone call from bf's mother saying about how when she got in from work that she had walked in on them having sex, she was angry and told them to get downstairs immediately for a chat. She also said to dd that she would be ringing me to tell me about what had happened (which I am grateful for). She is driving her home now.
I am in shock right now and feeling a mixture of emotions, DD will be home soon but I have no idea how to approach this. I was expecting their relationship to turn physical soon but not right at this minute.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated on how I can approach the subject.

Oh btw I should probably also point out that dd is a sensible girl, gets good grades at school, sporty and I have drummed safe sex and boundaries into her since she was 12/13. We also have a very good relationship where she can come and talk to me about anything.

Thanks Confused

OP posts:
AnythingNotEverything · 17/02/2014 20:42

Elderberri - do you live in the real world?

Lots and lots of teenagers have sex before 16. Your comment is irrelevant.

I think twelve has it about right. I bet your daughter is mortified!

LurkingCinners · 17/02/2014 20:45

How embarrassing for her.

I hope it wasn't her first time. Yes, 15 is young, (have a 15 yo dd myself) but these days not really that unusual.

I hope they have used contraception and maybe it would be a good idea to talk about the pill.

Give her a hug if she lets you.

Cakesnbeer · 17/02/2014 20:45

God the poor bugger:(

Make her a drink, if she seems ok tell her one day it will be a funny story. See what she wants to say.

And presuming she is happily having sex double check contraception, condoms are not enough when you are at your most fertile and horny...

She sounds fab

Original poster
BeyondStressed42 · 17/02/2014 20:46

Thank you to everyone for the replies, much appreciated :)
I greeted her with a big hug and a cup of tea and some biccies and then sat her down for a chat before DH and son came back from rugby practice.
She started crying, god love her, and said how embarrassed she was. She told me that it was their first time and a mutual design (they where both ready, no pressure etc) and they did use protection. I pointed out to her that I can no longer stop her from having sex but I can warn and urge her about the risks and complications that are attached to it. I also stated that we would be having a trip to the doctors tomorrow for birth control. Although not ideal and in no way am I condoning her having underage sex, I suppose I should count my chickens that her first sexual experience wasn't like some her age, I've heard horror stories about a few of her friends doing it at parties in a room full of people, in the garden etc. Horrifying really Shock

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 17/02/2014 20:48

Bless her, she must have been mortified!
Sounds like you handled it well OP

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 17/02/2014 20:51

not at this stage with my boys yet but tbh I would be grateful that the other mother has actualy done the hard bit.
You now get to be the kind supportive mother knowing that she has been pulled up by the other mother.

I would talk to her about respecting the boyfriends home and his parents wishes. Make sure she is having safe sex (condoms not the pill).
Depending what the mother wants making amends with the mother from both her and her bf jointly agreeing to be respectful.

The other thing is now they have done it how do you move on?
at the moment I feel I would be happier with my 15 year old having sex here in his own bedroom rather than in some field somewhere because both parents have gone crazy.

Good LUCK!

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 17/02/2014 20:51

You sound like an amazing mum Beyond Your daughter is very lucky to have you. I sincerely hope her boyfriend's mum is not the reverse.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 17/02/2014 20:52

x posts

phew sounds like it went really well and that you have a brilliant relationship with her.

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 17/02/2014 20:52

You sound a fab mum OP. My mum would have been like the other mum!

KonkeyDong · 17/02/2014 20:53

Oh the poor thing, sounds like the boyfriends mum wasn't as understanding. Think you handled it brilliantly OP.

ivykaty44 · 17/02/2014 20:59

The boyfriends mother must be very worried as her son is over 16 and your dad is underage, yes we all know teens are having sex underage but there are risks about having sex with underage girls and this must have also crossed his mother's mind

Op I think you have been wonderful in the way you have handled this situation

Featherbag · 17/02/2014 21:06

Oh well done, you handled that brilliantly! I only have boys but I hope their future girlfriends have mums like you.

Original poster
BeyondStressed42 · 17/02/2014 21:15

Aw thank you all for the nice replies, they've brightened me up in a confusing and stressful situation :) I will agree that I don't think bf's mum handled it the best but I should be grateful that she let me know, some mums would just think it not a big deal. If anything, it has made me & DD even closer and now she can come to me with absolutely anything, no matter how embarrassing it may be Wink

OP posts:
NobodyIsHere · 17/02/2014 21:23

Will you tell your husband?

Original poster
BeyondStressed42 · 17/02/2014 21:53

NobodyIsHere no I think it's best just to keep it between me and her for the moment. I mean it's been traumatic enough for her without having the embarrassment of her dad knowing too.

OP posts:
BitsinTatters · 17/02/2014 22:00

I don't think you should hide it from your husband BUT you have to respect your daughters privacy and the fact she trusts you to talk openly and honestly.

I'd be mortified if my mum told my father all the intimate things I've discussed with her

Cakesnbeer · 17/02/2014 22:44

Shucks, a happy ending.

I can still remember getting 'caught' mid act by bf father who bizarrely stayed for a chat!

BuzzLightbulb · 18/02/2014 10:52

How did you get on?

I can only imagine she is terrified of what her dad will say!

MrsMarigold · 18/02/2014 11:06

Fifteen wasn't even that unusual when I was young, it's quite normal so ignore the people who go on about teenagers these days. Just you didn't mention it to your mother you just got contraceptives. I think you handled it well.

amumthatcares · 18/02/2014 11:26

Beyond I think you handled it spot on too. You sound like a great mum Smile

I am very close to my own DD and she did tell after her then boyfriend had dumped her, that she had slept with him. She was 16 at the time, so free to make her own decision. But, although I discussed it with her lovingly and rationally, I struggled to actually face the fact that my 'little girl' was 'doing it' Blush

My priorities were though, that I made sure she had been in a safe, clean environment, that she had made a conscious decision and that she had no regrets. I then took her to the Dr's to sort out contraception.

15 is nothing new! I was 15 my first time and I am now 48!!

outtolunchagain · 18/02/2014 11:36

You sound like you have dealt with it brilliantly but if I was the boys parent I would be advising him to wait until your dd turns 16 as because he is over 16 and she is under legally it is statutory rape ,it sounds ridiculous but it is the law.

LEMmingaround · 18/02/2014 11:37

So angry for your dd. Poor girl. Please just tell her its ok. Ask her about contraception and safe sex. Tell her she can talk to you at any time and if she has any worries to ask.

IdaClair · 18/02/2014 11:40

I would be far more surprised if they had been together 6 months and weren't having sex.

Is 15 young or do I just hang around dodgy areas? Seems on the older end of average based on my own experiences.

LEMmingaround · 18/02/2014 11:40

Oops didnt rtft you handled it perfectly . Well done op. Its so hard watching them grow up

DownstairsMixUp · 18/02/2014 14:56

Ida apparently the "national average" is 17 years old to lose virginity so if that's the average then 15 cannot be unusual at all!

Just wanted to add that i think the OP sounds fab and I hope I deal with something like this as well as you have when my DC get to this age! :)

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