I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

When I don't respond at all, she ramps it up. Like an overgrown toddler really. My 3yo with multiple SN's and hyperactivity behaves more grown up...

Well, good, she does not like it when you don't respond.
Don't respond some more.... if you can bear it.

Grounding isn't working, removal of 'things' isn't working, what WILL work?!

SOMETHING must? There must be a parenting trick I'm missing or something?

DS1 is ok apart from the 'fairness' thing (which is how the 'age' rules came about, because he was expecting tube allowed to do the same as DD as he was more responsible, but he's 4 years younger and sone stuff that's appropriate to allow a 15yo to do just aren't appropriate for an 11yo and it grew from there)

DS2 is biddable, but just wants a peaceful home life.

DS3 I'm not sure yet. Doubt any of them will too DD's behaviour though.

What is this trick I'm missing that makes other people have wonderfully calm, well behaved teens??!!

If anyone wants to come and do my College work, feel free! I'm struggling to keep up despite being an A* student because of my home life!

wonderfully calm, well behaved teens

I think they get dished out equally unfairly as calm, happy, sleeping through the night babies tbh. Or biddable toddlers - apparently they exist, I'm told

So will she do her own washing eventually? I can't imagine many teenage girls going out on dates in dirty clothes.

I agree with Pacific - don't respond to her at all unless she speaks to you civilly. Any aggression, phone the police.

I can see that you are trying so hard to be fair and reasonable but it's not working, she's not responding positively to that. So detach further, keep treating the others as you normally would; only speak to her to reply to her that you won't talk to anyone who is rude to you.

They do exist but more by luck than anything else (same as the sleeping babies)

My ds2 is just brilliant. He does as he's asked, he's kind considerate and helpful. He never shouts or strops and everyone compliments me on him

Ds1 is quite frankly a massive pita. I love him deeply and he can be kind and funny and thoughtful but most of the time at the moment he just infuriates me. He argues about everything, he whinges he strops he slams doors he ignores curfews and truants from school

If I didn't have ds2 (the others aren't teens yet) I would be constantly wondering where I'd gone wrong with ds1, but because they're so different it can't all be down to my parenting!

No, she goes out in dirty clothes despite washing machine being empty. Honestly, she will wear the same clothes for 10 days before bothering to bring them down - I get her washing 1 week in 3 if I'm lucky!

Can't lock doors for medical reasons. Need ambulance access to all rooms. We haven't got into stealing yet (apart from food) thank fuck. It's probably next...

DS2 & DS3 are leaving soon, then I will get on with College work. I'm going to put my headphones on, and she can stay in or go out. Not going to engage with that one I think...

I've done 4 loads of washing today so far, and the 5th is on now . So not totally unproductive.

Saturday morning once a fortnight is meant to be my 'doss and do nothing for a few hours' rest IYSWIM.

And I've not done nothing - I've got some wonderful advice from all of you to try to help me to deal with DD's histrionics. That's not nothing!

To you all for the hand holding and advice!

I have a wardrobe in my hallway that I lock, it cost be £10 and has been worth it's weight in gold

It started out hiding Christmas presents, then became handy for storing all my dangerous meds and now I can stash anything I don't want them getting their hands on, including any food I don't want getting eaten all at once

Lockable cupboard sounds like a good idea. Could hide the effing bread in there...

Yes to stopping reacting! And if she ramps it up to a level you feel unsafe, do phone the police.

But if she does anything at all you can be positive about, please please mention it.

And don't for a second believe grounding her or taking things away doesn't bother her, that's what she WANTS you to think.

I hope you manage to rest somewhere in among all this.

I should have said, bereavement counselling, my friends dd was sent when her dad moved away and stopped contact because she was grieving.

Your dd has lost her friend.

Her dad has said she's not welcome there (that's what I bet she's hearing)

And now her bf has left her and even worse she thinks she's been betrayed by him cheating.

She's probably terrified of losing everyone else (even if she doesn't realise it) and that's got something to do with the behaviour. I am totally disgusted at a GP saying she's young she should get over it. She's young she does not have the coping strategies and life experience an adult does to deal with this!

I know this is a minor issue in the grand scheme of things, but you could make up a weeks worth of sandwiches for the other's packed lunches and freeze them. Take them out in the morning into the lunch box and they are thawed by lunch (and nice and cold) - it will save time in the morning too.

She wants instant reactions from you - she's not going to wait hours for a sandwich to thaw. You don't have to tell her what you're doing.

I don't think you should be adapting your whole way of life because of her but if it stops you worrying about your other DC not having lunch then that's something.

She sounds dreadfully unhappy and lacking in self-respect, which would tie in with the 'many different boyfriends' behaviour (I don't want to call a teenager promiscuous ).

What have you got to lose by trying Mary's strategies?

Blimey!

For tonight it sounds like she is going out, if you just ignore her going she will think you don't care (and will be hurt no matter how much she wont admit to it!) and more likely will come home much later than you would like.

Ask her to let you know where she is going and what time she will be back. don't enter into an argument if she tries, just tell her you are going to get on with your work now and you will see her later, hope she has a good time and leave it at that.

Good luck

Hi. I am late to this thread.
One thing that stuck out for me on this thread is that she is well behaved at school, if I read that right?

So she is able to be self controlled if she wants to be?

She's not well behaved at school, but it's nothing like at home.

Unfortunately this is often the case with DC's with Autism or Autistic traits - they hold it in as much as they can at school, but as soon as they get home and feel 'safe' they release all the built up tension.

If she was / is pushed far enough at school (she has been once), then she DOES melt down in the same way.

School hasn't made too many demands of her, at least not since Y7, until this year when exams are looming and she can't cope.

At Primary where they were utterly SHITE at dealing with her SEN she had meltdowns weekly, walked out of the class and did her work in the loo every other day...

It's more that she can cope with X amount of 'daily stresses', but even X+1 will result in a meltdown.

Unfortunately, she tends to use up her X amount of tolerance at school, and then getting in and having to share a planet house with DS1 tips it over into X+1 and that = meltdown...

She walked out at 4.30pm, while I was having a nap, and I assumed that she would be out until god knows when. She turned up at 6pm.

We actually managed 10 minutes of semi-sensible chat.

On Monday, I'm going to chat to her LSA about dropping Health & Social Care, as it's putting an impossible amount of pressure on DD. I'm also going to inform the school that they can shove their league tables up their arse DD WON'T be resitting Core Science, as it's of no benefit to HER, it's only for their league tables. She WON'T get a 'C', so it's putting stress onto DD rather than just accepting that she has a low 'D', that might affect THEIR league tables, but SHE only needs the 'D' to get onto her College course...

Bloody league tables and expecting every DC to achieve a 'C' grade. When will they realise that some DC 's have worked their socks off to get a 'ad' in Science, or a 'G' in Maths, and accept that not everyone is capable of getting 'C' or above, and it just adds unnecessary pressure on a student with SN's?!

She is still annoyed about her phone - but I'm sticking to the point that she will HAVE to talk to her Dad first. She hasn't spoken to him since she got back on 3rd Jan, and he's missing her.

She DOESN'T know that he has decided he can't have her living with him permanently. He hasn't said that she can't VISIT, just that they can't cope with her FT.

We have a shocker! She's talking on the phone to her dad!!

She's obviously starting to calm down a little...

(He rang to talk to me, and as always, I asked if she was going to talk to him. After some chuntering about having to get off her arse to get the phone, she actually came to get it!)

Hugs Couthy.

National curriculum and league tables absolutely stink IMHO - what purpose do they really serve?

Friend had dd who was at the bottom of a MLD school, they still had to follow the national curriculum when life skills really should be the priority!