I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

But what do I do if I don't want her here, being a bad influence in my DS1?

I also don't want her being able to, being allowed to trust the house like a hotel with fucking maid service and an open fridge. She comes in at stupid o'clock and takes food earmarked for a mark as I have to meal plan down to the last slice of bread due to funds.

She's leaving me without full meals for the other DC's by taking food and not being home at meal times. I can't AFFORD for her to come in and take bread for a sandwich, or take ham meant fir DS3's lunchbox.

There really IS no spare money for her to do anything else but eat the family meal with the family.

To explain - my boots have a 2 inch hole in both boots. To buy new boots would require using the food or bill money. The DC's get clothed first. There isn't a penny spare in the budget.

So suggestions of pizzas and microwave meals for when she gets in don't work.

She just expects everything and shouts and kicks off when it doesn't happen.

She's refused to bring down her washing today, laundry day. Monday when she has no clean knickers in the morning she is going to scream and shout and call me all the names under the sun even though she KNOWS I'm not physically capable of doing the stairs with anything in my hands.

(I sleep downstairs due to my physical issues, dining room is my bedroom)

Couthy the fact she hasn't left to me means she wants you to set that boundary. Ill post more later I'm out with dd2 but some of this reminds me of dd1. She's done what you say, she's not gone out, I would go say to her thank you for that and ignore the mess just now. Say something positive to her. Anything you can.

And you need to see a different gp. ASAP. That's disgusting.

Rewrite the "house" rules?

Each child has their own rules, no more "house" rules. Therefore ds1 can't complain that dd has broken the "house" rules. Give her rules that she won't break or that have consequences such as Maryz said above. Therefore she isn't breaking them and ds1 can't complain.

I think you need to tell ds1 that dd is not at well, probably has never been and therefore the new rule policy is coming into place.

X-posts.

I really don't know. Will her Dad not come and pick her up if you refuse to have her anymore?

I think I would actually make my dd leave

You are - inevitably - too close and, to your credit, care enough to not be able to see the situation for what it is: out of control and damaging to you and your other DC. And complicated and really entreched.

Yes, let her go tonight.
Deal with DS1 separately and his behaviour separately.
Try some damage limitation just now, so you can catch your breath.

Nobody can change anybody's behaviour, only their own - you have no choice but to let her make her own choices, even if those are terrible ones . She knows what behaviour you expect from her, she knows what is and is not nice behaviour, but is currently not able to see the benefit in choosing differently.

People far cleverer than me are trying to understand the neurological differences between more biddable and more troubled people and the remodelling that goes on the teenaged brain is more complex than what happens in babies' brains in their first year. I found Blame my Brain and Get out of my life v insightful. They explain what goes on in the NT teenaged brain which will of course be even more complex in somebody with your DD's problems. I don't know whether might find either of these helpful and apologies if you're aware of all this.
You have dealt with this for so long and so along and so bravely, that I have nothing but respect and heartache for you.

Is there anybody who looks after you a bit in all of this?

Massive x-post - need to back-read.

Good idea about individual rules for everybody.

Do not do her laundry.
Let her shout - her choice.
Put padlock on the fridge/larder/cupboard.

You are right, you do not provide a hotel service, in fact any hotel would've long thrown a guest like her out.

I cannot add anything to some of the fantastic advice here about your dd, I have had some issues with my eldest but not on the same scale

But I did just want to add a message about the 'fairness' thing. Obviously we all parent differently and I totally respect the way you deal with being fair to each child in your house, but, I have found that age isn't always the best way to do it with mine

I have six dc and (naturally) they are all very different. I always try to be fair to each of them but I don't treat them all the same or have the same rules for them. My ds2 is two years below my ds1 and he has a later curfew and more leway with some things because he has proven himself to be more reliable and he always keeps me informed of where he is and if he's running late, whereas ds1 will stroll in late with some lame excuse. If ds1 complains then I just repeat that to me it's about trust and when he earns mine then I will relax his curfew

I punish them differently too, ds1 being grounded is like the end of the world to him but if I grounded ds3 it wouldn't bother him at all and so I use what does inconvenience him

with possessions they have things like mobile phones/tablets/laptops when I feel they are responsible enough to take care of them not at a set age and I explain that to them

Also I insist the younger dc tidy their rooms but the teenagers can live in squalor if they like as long as they don't expect DH or I to do any washing tidying or sorting for them. Since we left them to it they now put their clothes down for the wash and change their bedding - you still can't see their floor but that's fine with me

I know none of this will help with your dd but maybe it might help to rethink how you explain things to your younger ones if you're worried about not being 'fair' having different rules for each of them

My Ex is taking the younger DC's to his shortly, it's 'his' weekend.

I then need to do about ten tons of College work.

If she starts, she can go out. I'll deal with DS1 separately. He has the cognitive ability to understand that I try to do what's best for them, but that right now, grounding DD isn't what's best for HIM. Hopefully that will go some way to dampening the perceived unfairness.

(Attempting to detach, but it's so hard, she's my firstborn, and she needs help, I just don't know what help because it isn't available to access, and she's got her other issues and SEN on top...)

Sorry lots of x posts there

Yes, I have occasionally allowed DS1 to stay out past curfew, as you say, he even texts me when his school bus home is running late, so that I don't worry.

I wholeheartedly agree with Khaleesi re 'fair' does not = 'same'.

Sorry, on the hop.

With the no clean clothes thing - what would she do if you just shrugged and said 'well that's what happens if you don't bring your dirty clothes to me' and then walk away? no arguing, no justifies - just a simple pointing out of cause and effect with a shrug.

I think your DS will soon appreciate the peace and not notice the perceived injustice. Remind him how nice Christmas was.

As for co-parenting - that is utter bollocks. Your ex is not co-parenting - I don't know how he has the bare-faced cheek to expect you to stick to his rules when he can't cope himself.

I think you're amazing for having coped for so long.

Hand to hold here, Couthy. It all sounds overwhelming. Hope you can at least see your way to do your college work this week and she eats with you.

I have a similar situation with my 14 year old DS. I have 3 younger DC. Social Services are trying to help us, and have surprised me with how good they have been.

They will tell you that you need to phone the Police whenever she is violent or threatening though to ensure your other DC are safe, and show your commitment to safeguarding them. They also have adolescent services and support that can only be accessed through SS referral and so are not widely known. They have much more power than schools to push for mental health support etc too.

But you need to be really really honest with them and show them you want to engage in support so that they see you as part of the solution not part of the problem iykwim.

It's not something any parent should ever go through. PM me anytime if you need a listening ear.

Thing is, I don't just ground her on the spot - she gets a calm conversation (from my side) about changing her behaviour OR she will get grounded, and she chooses to continue and get grounded!

DS1 I only have to mention losing his computer and he behaves.

I have just been called a twat. All I asked was that she requested politely to have what she wanted instead of rudely stating "I want X now".

I WON'T be spoken to like shit and let it pass. If she wants something, she can ask politely or go without.

And apparently she IS going out later.

Now she's countering because she has to use a microwave safe bowl to cook her soup instead of the actual bowl she wants to eat out of. I suggested cooking it in one bowl then putting it in the other to eat from but even that's not good enough despite the fact that she won't be the one washing both bowls or even either bowl. FFS I GIVE her a solution and she's still calling me a stupid bitch.

I've done the shrug and walk over laundry. Even 10yo DS2 knows that if the washing isn't downstairs on Saturday morning, it doesn't get washed. 3 yo DS3 takes his laundry from the bottom of the stairs into the kitchen...

Now she wants a hot chocolate and is shouting because I don't have two microwaves and she can't do the milk at the same time as her soup. I suggested a pan...

So she starts shouting because I don't have any whipped cream FFS I'm not a fucking café!!

Couthy, I have no advice, but just wanted to post to say I'm reading and it seems like an impossible situation. You can't 'win' here, so it's about survival. Hang in there.

That's great about ds1 being responsible because maybe he can have more relaxed rules as he gets older than your dd did and then he won't mind so much about everything being done in exactly the same way because it will be of benefit to him

So 'that's not fair dd went out without permission and didn't get punished' can be answered by 'yes but you get to do xyz that dd was/is not allowed to do'

I also think that as maryz says hopefully as your ds1 matures he will be able to see that he doesn't want to be in the position your dd is in and so he won't be bothered by any perceived unfairness

And I agree that you are doing a brilliant job, and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this

Leave her to it.

If she speaks rudely to you, don't respond - turn away.

Don't engage.

Gawd, my heart is aching for you.

Ugh. I'm going to ignore any more shirt from her today. My shit-ometer is full for today...

Every time she shouts says something, you respond.
Take that away.

Might that defuse things a bit?