I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

This is just ridiculous, why us she trying yo sabotage her future like this? This will be her ONLY chance, given her LD's, to get onto a College course like this, as I won't be able to support her through College past 19, and it's a 3 year course. DD knows that truancy will stop her from getting on the course. She also knows that if she doesn't get into College and my benefits stop, I will be unable to feed her!!!!

WHY??!!

Nice, calm, to the point email to the school?

Good luck with the FC panel - I'll have my fingers crossed.

I'm just at my wits end - she isn't taking any if what she's done on board, she just wants to carry on doing what she wants, when she wants, how she wants, but can't fucking understand or grasp the consequences of that.

I KNOW a lot of that is due to her LD's, but FFS!!!!

OFGS. Now my alcoholic mother has kicked off, and my DBro can't cope (he has Aspergers, it's a shit situation for him to be in but I've had to think of my own DC's first. I've offered him a bed sofa for the night. Again.

My stupid mother is kicking off because they are banning smoking in cars with DC's. She's never IN a car with DC's - the only DC's she ever sees are mine, for a grand total of 8 hours a year, in my fucking home.

And because they are "taking her rights away" (WTF, said with a weary sigh, I've had 32 years of this shit and the only real reason I'm not yet NC is because I can't get my DBro out of there permanently until he is 25 and old enough to get Housing Benefit on a little room or bedsit near me...two more years exactly...), she has kicked off and sent him into meltdown. Which he will be absolutely fine from as soon as he gets here.

God, she's such a useless parent! How I learnt to be a parent is beyond me sometimes...and then I realise that I just do the opposite of what she would do, and it's usually the best thing!

There's also a bit of "me, me, me" in my mothers behaviour tonight, too, as for some strange reason, my focus was on MY 15YO DD FFS and not a 50yo alcoholic who was pushed enough to tell my Autistic DBro that he was a mistake and she should have had an abortion.

Lovely woman, eh?

I know just how much that hurts to have your own mother say that to you, and my heart fucking breaks for him. I was a far stronger person that he is.

(Yes, my family IS very dysfunctional...)

He left the phone on the side when she started ranting at him again, and all I could hear DBro telling my Stepdad was "just let me get out, I can't bear this any more, just let me out the door, please just let me out, please just take me to Couthy's, I can't take it any more, please just make her stop, please just get her to shut up" and then screaming like a wounded animal.

God, I hate that woman sometimes.

She doesn't have the power to hurt me through ME any more, but she still has the power to hurt me through my DBro. I can't detach so much that THAT doesn't affect me.

Fucks sake couthy, and I thought my life was stressful!

I have nothing to say. Just sending you some good wishes...

No wonder DBro has been struggling to cope. He's living with the biggest homophobe outside the Westboro Baptist Church (my delightful mother , who prides herself for having been a member of the National. Front as a teenager), and he's just come out to me.

Bloody idiot, why didn't he tell me ages ago?!

He will NEVER be able to tell her - I've never told her I'm bi, she has threatened to actually kill us if we aren't straight.

And tbh, she means it.

He has plans though - as soon as he has finished his Masters, in October, he's getting the fuck out of there. He's just biding his time because he needs the Masters and has no other way of doing it without being in that house. And he's halfway through now.

I just gave him a hug and carried on chatting.

How did I turn out so normal when my mother is so bigoted?!

The lady from CAHMS has fought (very bloody hard!) to offer me two or more but possibly off record sessions where we can explore how to help DD to work through her anger.

DD has told them that after she melts down, she feels embarrassed and ashamed for having behaved like that, and for the effect it has on me. She told them that she is worried that I can't cope with her behaviour. She says she doesn't know why she reacts to minor stressors in the way that she does, and wishes she could stop reacting with meltdowns, but that she just can't control it.

DD also said that it can be very minor things that 'set her off', whenever she feels even slightly irritated, angry or upset.

Maybe the fact that I AM struggling to deal with DD's extreme behaviour might be fuelling it?!

Maybe DD feels out of control and can't cope with the fact that I, as her mother, am also not in control of her behaviour.

But how to 'get around' that? I don't know...

I DO know that things got worse when DD's best friend died of AML nearly two years ago, but the school offer of bereavement counselling never materialised, and it is something I am going to bring up with the SW, as I DO think that would benefit DD.

It is hard, as after the funeral, DD rarely wants to even mention her best friend, so it was impossible for me to try to help her with any emotions surrounding that as DD would 'shut down' any conversations about her friend.

So that's something else I'm going to insist upon, some decent bereavement counselling for DD.

And the lady from CAHMS has suggested a few things I need to ponder.

One is that DD is at the age now that I was when I was pregnant with DD, and that is there a possibility that I am looking at her and subconsciously feeling that she should be acting like an adult now because I was at that age.

Another is that DD is VERY like my mother in temperament, despite not having spent any real time around her when growing up, and how do I feel about that, how hard am I finding that, given my abusive upbringing with my Mother.

And yet another is that I didn't have many opportunities when growing up, and that as I have done my best to ensure that DD HAS opportunities to make something of her life, am I feeling frustrated because she is basically throwing those opportunities away. (Hint - the answer is yes, I AM frustrated with this, and that's something I need to work on!)

So some very good food for thought there...

Couthy. It could also be , that your DD possibly does not want to leave school for college, and that she feels worried by the thought of moving on.

I think your DD would even though ( She wont Admit it) prefer to stay at school next year and not go to college.

Why oh Why in this country do we push kids out of school , who are not ready to leave.

The last few weeks your DD has probably realised that now she is nearly 16 and there are consequences for her actions.

Your DD is frightened that she is liable and responsible now.
It is possible that the school not "Chasing" her yesterday , like they previously have done have sent a "Shock" wave to your DD that she is no longer a "Child".

You are definitely right with that, it's definitely part of it. She just does not want to even give a tiny bit of headspace to the fact that school is ending, it can't just carry on! Her school doesn't have a sixth form, not many schools in my town do, as we have plenty of. FE colleges.

She has Autistic traits, so change is, erm, harder on her than it is on most NT DC's...

DD got shouty and door slammy and 'verbally aggressive' at the FC last night after being told that she can't go out after school today. (They rearranged last night's appointment with Dbit for tonight). So she had her phone taken away (quite right too!)

And she refused to get into the taxi after school today, as she "is going out with her boyfriend". (NOT the previous one I was worried about, seemingly for good reason, given the fb issues last night, he was threatening to beat DD and her new squeeze up because DD had dumped him so she could ask out this new boy. Somewhat concerning given they had only been dating 3 weeks and he's threatening violence towards my DD because she dumped him...BEFORE she asked out this other boy)

So she has no phone and no money, and has refused to get in the taxi home. As the FC will end up having to pick her up AGAIN, they are docking the rest of DD's allowance for this week for petrol money. (Again, quite right too!!)

The FC says that at least this is all going to show SS what I'm really dealing with.

DD has also told one of her teachers that she doesn't care, she is who she is, and nobody is going to change her.

So no idea where she is, never met this boy she's seeing now, she has no phone, she's going to miss Dbit AGAIN, and no idea when she's going to get into contact with the FC to get a lift home, so the FC has said that if it's not within a certain time, they will have to report DD as an abscond to the police.

I've got a fucking exam at College tonight, the second half of last week's CA, and I NEED to be able to concentrate on it. DD knows this but just doesn't give a flying fuck.

TEENAGERS!!

Just reading one page of this thread has exhausted me.
I think you must be superwoman coping with all this. I though I had problems.
Your DD doesn't know how lucky she is to have you.

and

THINK I've managed to pin her down to a relatively small area. Have informed SW where I think she is (she was with the new boyfriend, is now with one of the bloody twins...) don't have contact details, but the SW is going to get those from the school as I've been able to give the names of who DD is probably with...

Grrrr.

Got the extra week in FC at panel, btw, but DD is refusing to go back to her current placement, or at least was telling her teacher she is going to refuse to go back there, because she got told off last night for skipping school. The minute the FC try to impose any sort of boundaries, DD is kicking off.

School is closed, so SW can't get the details of the twins' address. Unfortunately, though I could take you there, and lived on that estate for 10 years, I don't know their exact address, just that their house is on the corner of X Way and Y Crescent! You don't pay much heed to exact addresses when you walked past the house every day!

I've given the SW all I can find out, and the police have already been contacted.

Can't do much more than that.

Very glad you got the extra week and also that she is showing them what she is made of for reasons Maryz stated. Also just maybe someone might take it all more seriously than when you were the only one witnessing it.

Don't feel that you need to do all the running around and fixing things for your DD at the moment. You have what might only be a few days in which to focus on your own needs and recover some energy. She has a team of people running after her - do not give them the excuse to lean on you by being too capable and efficient. Let them learn for themselves what your life is like.

Take care of yourself. They will find her soon and have her back in a safe place.

I wonder if your DD knows (OUR THINKS SHE KNOWS) How far she can push SS, You and other people who are trying to help.

Why does you DD like the "SHIT HEAD" of a Bully Boyfriend , who is not going to provide for her is he or as anything to offer.

Your DD does not know how fortunate she is to have a Caring Foster Carer,who is obviously treating her Fairly and in a caring manner.

Despite all the problems (Though Lack of Funding) it appears your DD is being helped by a lot of people who are trying despite being "kicked" in the face all the time by her.

Or thinks She Knows....