school refusal and simply does as he pleases

[loopyloo123]

Same old same old. For two years we had problems with school attendance, in the end we moved my 14 year old to a private college for his GCSE year. This was his request and decision to take the place. It has been a huge sacrifice for us, but we felt we had no option, it simply wasn't working out for him at his academy. Two weeks into term and all seemed well, we began to breathe again. Now it's week 4 and he's already missed three different days. For no reason - can't get up, can't be bothered, doesn't see the point. I've heard it all for the past two years. My fears are confirmed: not a problem with the school or the teachers or the work. It's just him. This is his pattern. If he doesn't feel like doing something, he simply doesn't do it. He looks for someone to blame all the time - in this case it's his parents for sending him to 'an inferior' school all those years ago (he was fine for years 7 - 8, and it's not a terrible school at all). He is simply playing us. It's difficult to confiscate stuff because he bought all his gadgets himself. He is bright and works hard when he wants to. He just doesn't want to very often. He is happy at this new place, and when he's in a good mood, gets up happily and goes off to school. I feel completely hurt and let down. Should I stand back and just let him blow this one chance he has now of turning his school life around? Not sure I can stop it anymore.

If he does not want to see a psychologist to get help then I think you need to agree with him that some 'measures' will be put into place.

At the very minimum I would stop his business. My idea is that he fancies himself as a self-made entrepeneur who does not need school.

It is important to agree these steps with him beforehand - not just dole them out like on toddlers. Try to get him to agree to it when he is in a reasonable mood.

Op few years ago I was exactly the same as your son, I also went to a private school and for some reason just decided
I wasn't going to go anymore. My parents tried grounding me and turning off the Internet but it didn't bother me in the slightest but soon after they decided if I was not going to attend school then I would have to leave the house at the time I would if I was going, and return at home time. It was around three days before the novelty wore off and I decided I was going to go back to school.

In my experience therapy works better if it’s voluntary. So loopy, now you know your DS has a big problem with anxiety, give him time and maybe he will come round to the idea himself. Do you think he recognises that the problem is anxiety? Maybe he needs more time to absorb that idea, and to understand that a therapist could make him feel better – calmer, happier, and less worried when something goes wrong. Just knowing there’s a possibility of feeling better in himself may be a more effective carrot than the promise of success in doing things like passing exams and getting jobs.

Thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed!

Could it be that he is anxious about seeing a psychologist because he

a) has no idea what it would be like and/or

B) because he has an idea that seeing mental health professionals would label him as a "mad" person, even if only in his own mind.

My ds had very immature ideas of what people with MH problems are like until his own sister needed a CAHMS referral. Dd had a far better idea because she had once been treated for a physical problem in a rehabilitation clinic where a substantial number of the other children were in for various MH issues. She had seen that they weren't different or scary people, just other children like her who were ill in a different way. It made her realise how many of the perfectly ordinary, popular children she might meet in schools across the city might have needed mental health support at one time or another. They don't stick a label to your forehead forever after.

It may be that his ideas of what a psychologist/psychiatrist appointment is like are coloured by oldfashioned films. Would it help to reassure him that he will not be required to lie on a couch and reveal his innermost thoughts to a person in a white coat? From my experience, this is what a CAHMS appointment would probably look like:

there would be a brief introductory meeting where the professionals introduce themselves

you would then be asked to leave the room

he would probably be asked to fill in a questionnaire about how he feels in various situations, to establish that anxiety really is a problem (you will only be shown this questionnaire as and when he agrees)

hopefully he would then be given some CBT-based training- it would be explained to him that the aim is to give him the techniques to handle his own anxiety and take control over his life so that he doesn't have to be dominated by hurtful feelings

there would be techniques both for general relaxation (say, to ensure a good night's sleep) and for specific situations which he has pinpointed as problematic

everything would be done in discussion with him

he would be asked to practise the techniques he is taught and keep a record of how it works

they would discuss plans for returning to school and managing his anxiety

if he wanted them to, they would liaise with school to make sure everybody is onboard with the new plans

everything they told the school would be confidential: it would only be known by designated people and not gossiped about in the school corridors

given his age, they would probably only suggest medication once they have tried other paths and really weren't getting anywhere

This does sound very difficult and as I have younger primary aged children I have no experience in dealing with teenagers.

I did remove everything except a bed and chest of drawers from my DDs room when she was going through a particularly unpleasant phase and she earned an item back per 'good' day....it took 5 months for her to get it all back and she has not resorted to that behaviour again.....I am sure that she will test me again and I may well try it again.

However, I have been a secondary school teacher and I just wondered if, with his anxiety about school and academic performance, your son would attend his GCSE exams?

Loopy, I can understand why you worry so much that he’ll just give up, any parent would, but is there some reason that he’s likely to give up at the moment? His anxiety isn’t going to go away anytime soon, but it doesn’t seem to be getting worse. At the moment he actually seems pretty stable, at least, based on what you’ve said so far. In a good week he goes to school every day, in a bad week he goes two or three days, and over this term he’s having more good weeks than bad? Has he suddenly refused school altogether in the past? Because stable is good too, it's a start.

Kleinzeit, I also try telling myself that all is not lost - no, he has always gone back in the end. He probably will go tomorrow, who knows, I really thought he'd go today but it's like someone who just can't walk, can't put the one foot in front of the other one. He got up cheerfully enough, etc - then as the time drew near to leave, he started the procrastination thing again, slowly putting on clothes, fussing about this and that, till it was too late. He could have gone in after the first class (the one he wants to avoid by burying head in sand) but that hasn't happened. He swears it's not anxiety can you believe it. He knows what would happen at a psychologist - still refuses to go even though our lovely guy wrote to him, the nicest letter explaining how it works and how it could help. He, like many of his age, thinks it's weak. I just can't change that. Actually feel I can't change anything. I told him today that really it is up to him now what he makes of things. He has everyone on his side, helping him all the way, trying to make things easier for him - home, school you name it and he just fights it all off. Is in totally denial of facing up to the issues. As soon as something goes wrong he baulks. But yes, if I try to be positive (not doing well today), I can take comfort from the fact that he does have good weeks, and this term has been better on the whole. So perhaps this is a setback but not the end. I still feel so low though and helpless. Can't think of much more I can do to help him see reason.

Oh loopyloo, you must be so worried! For what it’s worth, a while ago I went on a whammo parenting course for pre-teens with serious behaviour problems, run by trained paediatric mental health nurses and therapists at the kids’ hospital. And would you believe it, one of the therapists said her own DD had been a school refuser and she wasn’t able to do anything much about it (her DD did get past it in the end) Just wanted to say, it can happen to anyone, doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Sometimes all you can do is keep on keeping on.

That is some comfort Kleinzeit! I need it ;)

Loopy, is there ANYTHING you do to make his time at home (when he should be at school) a bit less comfortable?

It's not great, The heating is off and it's freezing. I don't offer him food, he has to find what he can in the fridge (usually nothing in there). I don't talk to him and I know that hurts him. he is just stuck in his room. It's sad to think that he still chooses this over a normal life, going to school like everyone else. Must really hate the world out there if this is a better optiion.

but what does he do in his room? Are there interesting computer/gadgets etc? My DS could happily entertain himself all day with access to the internet.

If he was stuck in his room just with some books he may even go to school.

What Palika said seems quite useful as a dividing line between genuine anxiety and misbehaviour.

If ds was left with just a few books, he would go to school even if decidedly off colour- but then that is probably why he is not a school refuser in the first place.

Dd otoh whilst in her bad phase would rather do nothing all day. She would (and did) just lie in bed with the blanket over her head, rather than face her anxiety. She spent weeks like this. When really pushed she jumped out of the window.

For her the internet connection proved a lifeline because it gave her a chance to gradually reconnect with the outside world and realise it was not as threatening as she thought.

So again, it all boils down to the individual.

I think he just can't face his demons. He can't cope with the day ahead, the social interaction or lack of it at his school. He doesn't fit in, it must all seem an ordeal he just can't deal with so he retreats from it. Worryingly immature, like a toddler. But I am now no longer fighting it. I have said, this is up to you, you can make this work or you can mess it up, it's your future. I have to hope that he comes to his senses at some stage, but I am no longer in a position to influence him either way. It's not about the internet - this is a much bigger issue, and really, I feel we have done as much as we can here. It really is up to him and I'm not convinced he's going to make the right choices. It's how to keep my life from being dragged under with him that is frustrating me now. Well not only that but I'm so sick of worrying about his future, it's become like a stuck record. I'm going to worry about my own for a change. Yes, today I am angry. Not Mrs Understanding so much at all.

I had those days too, loopyloo123.

Walk away for a little bit, give yourself some breathing space, it may be that things seem less hopeless later on.

You're doing all you can, sometimes there is nothing more you can do and it's hard to accept. Don't forget to look after yourself

Here we are again, four months later, no better off - worse, probably. He is in a very dark place but refuses to allow anyone to see him to help him. What to do? Accept that we have to just sit it out and hope his depression goes away? I can't see any other way forward. Is there any other option I haven't thought of? CAMHS couldn't visit me as he would not allow them to see him. I can't force someone into his room - that would have the opposite effect, believe me. Is there an ed consultant or psych that we can speak to as parents, who might have some ideas or options for the way forward? It's not just school avoidance, he is friendless, lonely, unable or unwilling to even leave the house. Very miserable but any attempt to address it is met with aggression and anger.

Bumping this in the hope the other posters with experience of this will see it and respond. No experience of this as my kids are younger but I'm sorry to hear things haven't improved over the last few months.

My brother was very hard work as a teen, complete nightmare for my parents, truanting, rude, aggressive, drugs, a loner, but he turned out ok. More than ok actually, he's a lovely man with a good job, wife and two kids and lots of friends.

What shines through from your posts is how much you love him and care about him and his future. He's a lucky lad, he'll be alright.

Perhaps you could consider making an appointment and see a sympathetic, and more importantly, an experienced GP and ask them to do a home visit and assessment? He sounds depressed with anxiety++ and is becoming agoraphobic. When people are anxious they often react with anger really out of fear and loss of control.

Given he wont engage with psychological therapy would an antidepressant be appropriate? This may reduce the anxious/negative feelings and help his thinking become more realistic. You may have more chance of him engaging with help then when he might believe he could feel different.

In my area CAHMS will do home visits if it's desperate.

Apologies as I have just skim read the thread and if I have missed something sorry, but what sanctions have you used to try to address his behaviour? He is very much the one in control here, when at his age parents should still largely have the control when it comes to things like attending school and appointments with professionals. It sounds as if you are scared of angering him or dealing with his temper (when you said he holds up his hand to stop you confronting him then uses his temper to end the conversation) and that the issue gets dropped he exerts his temper.
He may or may not have mental health problems such as anxiety or depression but in my opinion these are likely to be secondary to the main thing which seems to be the behavioural pattern that he has got into and how you as his parents react to it.
I'm not meaning to say that you aren't trying, you clearly are, but I wonder whether asserting control with him is something that has been an issue for you.
I am concerned that he is able to sit in his room on what should be a school day and merrily go on the internet and order pizza! You should be making this not possible for him imo.

This won't necessarily help with actually getting him to school, but my older DS who's anxiety caused him to drop out of uni found that 'doing' useful stuff at home helped him to 'feel more normal'.

I put him in charge of menu planning, online shopping, learning to cook evening meals. It gave us something neutral to talk about and enjoy together, he got a sense of acheievement from producing meals.

I felt better because he was learning life skills. He had to interact as part of the family as we sat down together to eat his produce. It helped the relationship with less sympathetic DH, again with a neutral topic of conversation and a visible sign of action...

how about, if you don't attend school full time and work to the best of your ability, we aren't prepared to keep paying your school fees and will enrol you at the school you used to be at because that's free....after all, we'll need the money to pay the fines when the local authority decide to kick off and take us to court.

Where does he get all this money from? Has he earned it or do you give him pocket money? I don't think it's right to cancel his bank card, HOWEVER I do think it's right to withhold pocket money for non attendance at school.

Can you make staying home during the school day uncomfortable for him? cold, devoid of food and internet access etc

I worry about the threads here that talk about punitive actions towards your son. if he is depressed then actions like this will make him feel more hopeless about things. we have just brought our own son home from uni with depression and he often avoids difficult situations. He missed lots of time off school but still managed to get good results. at that time he wouldnt discuss it with anyone and there was absolutely no way of forcing him to do anything. stripping his room would have completely broken our relationship with him. Now that he is older he has gone to the GP himself and started anti-depressants , and is now old enough to tell us (very occasionally) that our unconditional support has helped him through it all. We are certainly not where we would like to be and there are many difficult days where he spends a lot of time in bed but his reactions to us are much easier with that bit of maturity. Of course I worry that I wasnt strict enough but who really knows the "right" way to bring up children/teenagers. They are all individuals-our youngest is much easier to manage.
your situation sounds heart breaking and I know that overwhelming constant anxiety you must be feeling but trust your own instincts and keep showing him how much you love him. You may feel he doesnt see that because at his age he probably will be able to acknowledge it but I am sure it will be helping l

Thank you all. Support for myself is also what I need so it's great to be able to share ideas. Psych63 really seems to echo my personal feelings about all this. I know I try to avert confrontation about all this with DS but only because experience of this with him over last three years shows that it makes things worse. He digs in even more. Sure , I KNOW I am supposed to be able to force him to do as we say but that clearly doesn't always work. It may well be our fault but this is where we are now. Perhaps we were too soft. But regretting all that doesn't help now. I am loathe to take away the only thing that means he might make a life for himself - running a business or something. I don't give him pocket money. He is very good at selling and buying stuff and now has some money to invest in things like Bitcoin. I could take away the wifi when he doesn't go to school but what good would it do? He would simply start loafing instead of actually doing his coursework on his laptop which he is still up to date with. He is just in total denial about school and life after school. That's what bugs me a lot. You can't mention school and he literally shuts off. I think he feels so low about himself and his prospects. He just can't face the idea of exams and the next step.