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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

school refusal and simply does as he pleases

152 replies

loopyloo123 · 02/10/2013 17:39

Same old same old. For two years we had problems with school attendance, in the end we moved my 14 year old to a private college for his GCSE year. This was his request and decision to take the place. It has been a huge sacrifice for us, but we felt we had no option, it simply wasn't working out for him at his academy. Two weeks into term and all seemed well, we began to breathe again. Now it's week 4 and he's already missed three different days. For no reason - can't get up, can't be bothered, doesn't see the point. I've heard it all for the past two years. My fears are confirmed: not a problem with the school or the teachers or the work. It's just him. This is his pattern. If he doesn't feel like doing something, he simply doesn't do it. He looks for someone to blame all the time - in this case it's his parents for sending him to 'an inferior' school all those years ago (he was fine for years 7 - 8, and it's not a terrible school at all). He is simply playing us. It's difficult to confiscate stuff because he bought all his gadgets himself. He is bright and works hard when he wants to. He just doesn't want to very often. He is happy at this new place, and when he's in a good mood, gets up happily and goes off to school. I feel completely hurt and let down. Should I stand back and just let him blow this one chance he has now of turning his school life around? Not sure I can stop it anymore.

OP posts:
Kleinzeit · 04/10/2013 16:46

No offense taken - it's just very nice for our kids to have friends! Smile

Badvoc · 04/10/2013 16:52

Send him to a PRU for a week.
If he is bright that should sort him out.

flow4 · 04/10/2013 17:18

The OP can't send her DS to a PRU for a week, Badvoc, any more than she could send him to your child's school.

Floralnomad · 04/10/2013 17:28

I think I'd be tempted to de register and home ed , buy the courses he's interested in and get a tutor for bits you need help with . I'm slowly heading down that road with my daughter ( for different reasons) and the way we look at it is it may take a couple of extra years but we will end up in the same place . If your son wants to go to uni / have a career he is at least a bit motivated .

Badvoc · 04/10/2013 17:42

She can ask for him to be referred surely?
2 days should do it.
I am not sure tutors will help - why would he work for them if he won't work at school?
I agree finding his motivation is the key.

flow4 · 04/10/2013 19:38

No, I'm pretty sure she couldn't, Badvoc. PRUs are educational centres whose pupils have a wide range of complex needs and learning problems. It would be inappropriate and fairly offensive to open them up to teenaged visitors whose parents just wanted to use their students as some kind of moral lesson or warning. How would you feel if someone sent their child to spend time with yours, threatening "You'll turn out like Badvoc Junior if you don't behave"?

Badvoc · 04/10/2013 19:43

PRus are also for repeated school refusers/truants flow afaik.
What should the op do?
Just hope for the best?
Her son needs of be aware that the choices he makes now - or rather doesn't make - could affect the rest of his life.
Alternatively she could ask for a cahms referral to see if they think there's an underlying cause for he school refusal.

Floralnomad · 04/10/2013 20:00

I thought PRUs were for people who are badly behaved and disruptive in a normal school environment .

Badvoc · 04/10/2013 20:07

Don't you think school refusers and truants are badly behaved?

flow4 · 04/10/2013 20:11

PRUs are for young people who have a wide range of complex needs and learning problems, some of them very like the OP's son. It may be that a PRU could turn things round for him, and succeed where even a private school has so far failed. But to attend, he would need to register and have a full assessment of his needs; he can't just 'drop in'.

Floralnomad · 04/10/2013 20:14

If they're truanting and school refusing they won't be at the school to be disruptive , more likely disrupting their home .

Badvoc · 04/10/2013 20:19

I suggested an assessment upthread flow.
It seems to me he needs shock. He sounds like he has behaved like this for some time (2 years +?). He won't stop unless something is done.

Snapespeare · 05/10/2013 13:15

My school refuser isn't badly behaved at all, thank you. He's anxious due to homophobic bullying that the school hasn't addressed properly and is awaiting a SEN assessment for aspergers. He's not disruptive at home either. Hmm

Floralnomad · 05/10/2013 13:28

When I said disruptive at home I meant from the POV that they're in all day rather than not at school ie they influence what you do during the day more than a normal child attending school would ,not that they're a nuisance . Didn't intend to offend .

cory · 05/10/2013 18:36

Badvoc, if his school refusal stems from some kind of school related anxiety, a shock is the last thing he needs.

When my dd felt overwhelmed by the pressure to go to school she took an overdose. Sad

Telling her that the choices she made could ruin the rest of her life just made her feel she wouldn't be able to cope with the rest of life either.

Dd is now back on track, studying for her AS levels and reasonably confident. But frightening her didn't get her there. CAHMS support, medication, CBT, getting some confidence in the subjects she really cared about did it for her.

Original poster
loopyloo123 · 07/10/2013 10:52

Well, Friday was a good day. His teachers gave him some excellent results, he was pleased as punch. Today ... here we are again. Just couldn't drag himself out of bed, and now 'is getting ready' still, three hours late. I think it's time to spell it out to him, that at this rate he won't be able to finish the year, and possibly not at that school. He must know this deep down but I think I have to say it, quite unemotionally, just present the facts. That perhaps he isn't ready to do this year and will simply have to repeat it. I wish I could understand what the problem was. How can you be fine one day and the next, unable to fight back the dread or revulsion of going to school?

OP posts:
Kleinzeit · 07/10/2013 18:06

Unfortunately there are lot of things in the mind that are up and down like this, and teenage energy levels can rise and plummet very fast. And if your DS has a depressive or anxious mindset then over the weekend he may actually “forget” all the positive feedback he enjoyed last week, almost as if it never happened, so all the anxiety comes back. (Apparently this kind of “forgetting” is what happens in “atypical depression”, a silly name since it’s the most common kind!)

You might want to keep your powder dry for a bit longer before talking to DS? I would be inclined to talk to the school first and get their take on him. Maybe talk to them just before half term and then talk to him?

And if he’s anxious then it helps to really nail down what will happen before you talk to him – so you can express it very concretely as “if you do a then b will happen, if you do c then d will happen”. The more vagueness and uncertainty there is, the less useful the conversation. Also sort out (in your own mind) who will make it happen – will the school refuse to keep him if his attendance drops below a certain level? Or will you refuse to pay? Where will he go if he can’t finish the year at this school – will you be keeping him at home, or sending him to the local school?

I would take as much time as you need to sort the possibilities through clearly in your own mind before you talk to him.

Good luck, this must be very worrying!

Original poster
loopyloo123 · 07/10/2013 21:16

You are so right. It will take care and thought. Let's see how tomorrow goes. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It means a lot to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
loopyloo123 · 14/10/2013 09:35

Things are getting worse. Last week three great days, very positive, then Friday a no show, and today again. Even though last night he seemed quite keen and got himself ready. He says he just can't get up, he feels completely out of it. I now think it's time to get him a referral to CAMHS but of course, he won't go to the doctor. I can refer through my doctor but what hope do I have of actually getting him to see anyone? Will they come and see him lying in his bed? I think he is depressed but unless he goes to look for help what am I going to do to get him help?

OP posts:
Kleinzeit · 15/10/2013 23:18

They may not be able to do much if your DS doesn’t want to see anyone, but if you go and talk to the GP yourself that will at least make it clear what his (and your) options are?

It’s true you can’t force him to get help. All you can do is tell him that you think it would make things easier for him, and reassure him that no-one can force him to do anything he doesn’t want to – it will be up to him whether he wants to talk and what he wants to talk about, and up to him whether he wants to take any medicine that a doctor or therapist might prescribe, and that you will back him up in his decisions. But you can’t force him.

It does sound as if this is a deep-seated problem. I guess you had some hope that sending him to the new school would be enough in itself to fix the school refusal problem? But that seems not be the case. It’s something more complicated. So maybe try not to see this as him “blowing his chances” and more like you and him trying to find the answer to a complicated emotional problem, which will take time and maybe some false starts before you (and he) can unravel it. Flowers

cory · 16/10/2013 09:29

If the doctor can't see him, the school SENCO might be able to refer him to CAHMS.

Would it help if you were to talk through with him what might happen at a CAHMS meeting?

That it isn't about men in white coats invading his personal space and making him spill his innermost thoughts. He probably even won't be prescribed any medication, at least not at first, and they certainly won't make him lie on a couch like in films.

It will be about discussing strategies for making his life more bearable: the whole focus will be on putting him in control of his life.

cory · 16/10/2013 09:31

Also, that you won't have to be present at any therapy sessions unless he requests it: many teens find it difficult to voice their anxieties in front of their parents. He won't have to. He can talk to the therapist on his own and they'll call you in at the end to give you an update. Anything he says in confidence will remain confidential.

Kleinzeit · 16/10/2013 17:11

All good points by cory.

And something I’ve noticed with my own DS is that when he goes into a new situation we often get a “honeymoon period” when everything seems to be just fine until (usually just when I’m about to heave a sigh of relief!) things go back to the way they were before. It’s as if the excitement of being in a new place brings out the best in him, but it doesn’t last. Sometimes things even get worse just after the “honeymoon” before settling back.

So I wondered, is your DS missing more school than he was missing at his previous school, or is it about the same? Maybe his "honeymoon period" at the new school is over.

Original poster
loopyloo123 · 18/10/2013 12:21

Yes, the honeymoon period is definitely over. But the fact that he went in again three days this week and enjoyed his days, came home with tales and things to discuss etc and seemed really pleased with himself - then today another no show (possibly because it's PE and perhaps something happened in one of those lessons I don't know) - gives me hope that all is not completely lost. I take courage from your point Kleinzeit about things 'settling back' again - I have to believe that this is going to happen. It just seems he can't hack a full five days which I find really puzzling. If you do three, why not just do five? And the trouble is I find it hard to be sympathetic, today he said he had a stomach ache and I just thought, oh no, you don't really, this is your get out excuse again ... and when I don't say, Oh stay in bed then you poor little thing, he gets quite aggressive and rude and defensive. Doesn't endear or get my support ... I could probably accept that this is the way it's going to be for a while, hopefully it will improve ... but I wish there was a way I could stop it from affecting me so much. I'm sick of weeping into my scarf as I walk my dog around the park every morning he is lying in bed instead of having a normal day like most other boys his age. I find it depressing and it's really hard not to get depressed about it myself. So maybe what i need to do now is forget about him and find a way to rise above this myself!

OP posts:
Kleinzeit · 18/10/2013 14:08

I second the advice that flow4 and maryz often give – try to disengage and do remember to be extra kind to yourself each day! Flowers

It is very puzzling (I have experience with teen depression and anxiety but not with school refusal) and I can see why it’s getting to you. Could you go to the GP and get a referral to CAMHS even if your DS doesn’t want to see anyone? Someone on MN teens has mentioned (sorry can’t remember who!) that her DD was having problems and she went to CAMHS, her DD refused to go but she went herself and talked to someone and she found that very helpful, just being able to talk the whole thing through with an expert, and she felt less worried about her DD and more able to cope?