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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Support thread for parents of self harming/depressed/suicidal teens.

144 replies

ElleMcFearsome · 25/06/2013 07:50

Inspired by MaryZ's amazing support thread for parents of troubled teens, I wondered if it would be helpful to have a place for those of us who are trying to support our teens who are self-harming/depressed or suicidal? If this is simply replicating MaryZ's thread I'll have it pulled, but I have started a thread about my DD in the MH topic and I see from this board that other people have done similar here.

There seems to be a great deal of info and support here (no surprise there) as well as some helpful information sharing and I thought trying to get it all in one place may be helpful?

OP posts:

Icumum77 · 16/03/2015 17:41

My 15 yr old DD is a self harmer we were only in a&e last week having her cuts seen to. She goes to CAMHS but thats only after her school and ss stepped in. 9 month waiting list in my area. She has CBT once every 2 weeks and is on medication.

felttippens · 16/03/2015 19:49

Frustrated - I don't help per se but her camhs psychologist is lovely and I can ring if I'm concerned.

You mentioned autism diagnosis could you tell me a bit more as ASD has been mentioned a few times in relation to dd but there hasn't been an assessment yet

She has refused her home tutor twice in a row im really hoping she engages tomorrow

anthropology · 16/03/2015 20:54

justdance, sorry to hear your daughter is struggling with intrusive thoughts. Just thought it worth saying that 12 -14 is likely the age any anxiety or mental health issues do surface, coinciding with hormonal changes, which is why so many of us are so shocked when it happens , as we are waiting for the 15/16 alcohol, smoking exam stress issues, so you are right to keep a close eye on it. My DD had a very difficult time between 13 - 16 but I later found out she had intrusive thoughts since she was 9 or 10 and thought everyone had them but didnt talk about it. best of luck.

Frustrated33 · 16/03/2015 21:48

I know it's harder to diagnose in girls as they present symptoms differently to boys, my daughter told me about a year ago now that she was asexual (that's associated with autism) she don't like to be touched or hugged :( she has issues with food (ocd traits) she has fads on certain foods then kinda eats herself out of it, then on to the next... At the minute it's chicken noodles and peparami sticks ? Lol she's has depression and very bad anxiety, she won't go in a shop alone, she has thoughts that everyone is watching and she'll get it wrong ! She has self harmed... I think now it's 3 days clean... She dont seem to see the big picture of the world and life, she has an idea but don't think how she's going to get there... There's lots of things really, she thinks she's a freak cos of the support she gets, she can't talk on the phone, yet she's very intelligent her English work is currently grade A :)
It's just the social aspect that's really getting her down.
When I told my daughter her couselor thinks she has autism, she cried with happiness... She needs a reason as to why he feels so different

Sorry if this hasn't helped much, this is just why they think my girl has it x

Frustrated33 · 16/03/2015 21:54

Hi icumum77 my daughter is 15 also, her self harming has not been so bad but she did take tablets in the hopes she wouldn't wake up in the morning... And ended up in a&e :( it really wasn't a nice experience, it scared my daughter too... She said she'll always have the thoughts but won't do that again she promised... But at the depth of the lows I'm not sure I believe her... Now when she's down I stay awake until I know she's asleep... (She's a night owl so this is hard on me at times too) I hope you have some luck at CAMHS :) x

felttippens · 17/03/2015 08:40

Just dance- your doing the right thing seeking help now hopefully your daughter can get some support before things end up in crisis x I wish my dd had gotten help sooner before the self harming became so ingrained as her coping mechanism xxx

felttippens · 17/03/2015 08:42

Icumum- which med is dd taking ? My dd has been on fluoxetine for about 6 weeks , her mood lifted enormously initially but seems to have crashed again now.
I'm waiting for her tutor to arrive to tell her again dd doesn't feel she can do it - dd text me this morning saying she is thinking terrible thoughts

How do everyone's kids sleep? One of DDs main issues is terrible trouble sleeping which I think makes everything that much worse

JustDanceAddict · 17/03/2015 08:58

thanks anthropology and feltippens We talked a bit more about it last night & we hope the GP can help today. I am feeling quite upset about it all myself which is why I'm 'dumping out' online. Don't really want to tell my friends as DD wouldn't want me to.

felttippens · 17/03/2015 09:00

You need to seek support in dealing with this (and we are here to listen)

It has been the most awful experience dealing with a child with depression and anxiety - it almost broke me at one point - keep talking xxxxx

Frustrated33 · 17/03/2015 09:19

Morning all... just to say... thats why im here too JustDance, I dont really see any friends any more, my family is my life. i was desperate at one point to find someone to help/listen and i found this :) good luck with your Gp today x

Felttippens... my daughter dont sleep very good, she would be awake all night then sleep in the day if she could

she gets her thoughts at night so i wake up to texts with her thoughts and feelings...

JustDanceAddict · 17/03/2015 09:52

Thanks Frustrated33 - I do have a lot of friends and would not want to lose their support/friendship. Many of them know my children well and I suppose DD wouldn't want them to know how she felt.
I need to do 'normal' stuff too. I think if I only concentrated on DD and DS it would send me loopy! I'm off the the movies later w a friend and DH will be at home. Thankfully she sleeps well as exhausted from a busy school day.
Are the DHs on here supportive with the DCs who are having a hard time? Thankfully my DH is, but his dad is bi-polar so he is very keen on getting DD help asap.

Frustrated33 · 17/03/2015 10:05

can i just say... i have no clue what the letters mean ? lol honestly i find myself in life quite lonely.. its gets to me sometimes and i can have my depressed moments too but thats what i chose i guess, as long as my girls are happy, im happy :)

what you going to watch nice?

anthropology · 17/03/2015 18:39

if your DDs have sleeping problems, my DD has taken melatonin for some years, initially prescribed by CAMHS psychiatrist. For her the slow release version works better than the normal. Different trusts prescribe differently, as now she is at Uni, her GP can no longer prescribe the slow release. . Getting a nights sleep made a huge amount of difference as when at her lowest she barely slept at all. Just a bit concerned she has taken it for so long.

Frustrated33 · 17/03/2015 21:09

hi anthropology, my daughter don't sleep well at all but as yet hasn't been given any medication...

we start camhs again tomorrow so they may suggest it. i agree the better they sleep it certainly helps

good luck x

felttippens · 17/03/2015 21:13

I called DDs psychologist today to let him know she was slipping again (always feel like a pest contacting him but I feel so helpless) I mentioned how she is still barely sleeping and he is going to ask psychiatrist to review - at the last appointment they weren't prepared to prescribe sleep medication

Frustrated33 · 18/03/2015 08:52

Well were off to CAMHS again this morning... hopefully this time it will be better than the last.

Hope you all have a good day :)

JustDanceAddict · 18/03/2015 12:12

So we went to GP and she was lovely. She is happy to refer privately or to CAMHS if the insurance wont cough up (although they do cover mental health). GP said we did the right thing in coming in, and she needs an initial assessment first by a child/teen counsellor/therapist. She probably needs some talking therapy and some coping mechanisms. I went out last night (Still Alice - depressing film, book better), so didn't see her much, but she seemed brighter this morning knowing wheels were in motion (and I found her lost usb stick which she was worried about).
Will update when we get an appt. thanks for your support so far.

ThistleMountain · 18/03/2015 19:39

Hello All. Hope everyone is okay - it's so hard. DD (13) has now had second CAMHS appointment - it is clearly much more complex than depression alone. Like some others, Asperger's came up. Whilst shocked, I can see it. Now I don't know which is the bigger issue - which to focus on. Both, I suppose. This is such a learning curve! DD has not been to school now for weeks, but at least CAMHS is talking to the school. I'm thinking of getting tutors for DD (maths, maybe French) - does this work for anyone else? Work is a mess - I am a single Mum, but I do have some support. I think that I need to start seeing DD's issues as one would a child with a major physical illness - a lot of things (perhaps including work and education) may actually need to be put on hold now. I can see that we all need support ourselves. This thread is great for not feeling like we are doing this alone. Has anyone tried 'mindfulness'? Take care, everyone. Thistle.

felttippens · 18/03/2015 19:57

Thistle mountain - my DD an hours tuition every day -the school sorted this out x

trickydickie · 20/03/2015 20:29

Hi, my dd1(12) has self harmed by cutting her wrists. Her head of year phoned us on Weds night to tell us a teacher had overheard other girls talking about dd1 doing this.We then found a bic razor (with blood on it) a knife and wee scissors down the side of her mattress.

She won't talk about it, her reasons for cutting her wrists or how many times she has done this. We have been checking her internet history (since this news) and found a friend who has been messaging her and friend also cut her wrists last year. Dd1 has also been on lots of websites about suicide and excuses to give when people notice your cuts, and various other depression sites.

Think both Dh and I are feeling lost. We are stuck between thinking she is doing this to try and look cool to this friend who did it a year ago. Who is also sending her stupid poems and stories about angsty type love etc. which all hints at self harm.

We have decided that if she does it again then we will go to the gp. with her and ask for therapy etc. I don't know if what I am doing is right or wrong or causing her more harm. I just don't know what to do for the best. Dd1 won't talk to us about it.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

wellies · 20/03/2015 20:59

Apologies for not reading the thread.

If I suspect my child is cutting themselves should I confront them? Or should I wait for her to tell me?

Dd is depressed, waiting for a CAMHS referral.

I feel as though I handle everything badly and have no idea what to do with cutting suspicions one of dds friends has raised.

God this is such hard work.

anthropology · 20/03/2015 21:09

trickie dickie. although parents worry self harm can be a copycat thing, she is very young and its a big step for her to start actually doing it just to be cool. I also thought that when my DD at 14 attempted suicide, but self harm was a way to distract from the pain she felt inside. She didnt know why she did it, it just made her feel better. I advise taking it seriously as you are doing, getting help wont make it worse. The likelihood is she has no idea why she does it and therapy will help her (and you) understand what is going on and help her find other ways of coping with feelings. Her friend might be influencing some of her behaviour , but at the same time, she might be seeking out friends who feel like she does. Maybe ask the school to keep an eye on any signs she is is behaving differently with friends or in her work, but I would ask professional help in working out what is going on. My DD is very bright and sensitive and as others on here, turned out to have ASD traits which contributed to her stress in dealing with life. best of luck.

Frustrated33 · 20/03/2015 21:18

Hi trickiedickie and wellies... my daughter is a little older at 15, i found out about the self harming last summer, she started seeing a new counsellor at school and the first session she told him. she said she wanted to tell me for ages but didn't want me to be upset but needed to get it out there... its been better now i know and we can talk about it openly.

my opinion is to seek help via camhs or counselling maybe? i think its important for them to have the true facts as to what their doing to themselves and to explore their feelings as to why they are doing it. i know its different for everyone but it helped my daughter to get it out there !

i hope you get some answers x

Oh ps... i wouldnt wait til she does it again... they felt the need to do it once... once is enough xx

trickydickie · 20/03/2015 21:38

Thanks Frustrated and anthropology. The advice is very, very much appreciated. I just feel despair and lost.

I will phone gp on Monday and see if I can get dd an appointment. I've just told dh we should get her counselling but he says we should just leave it. He is worried this will stay on her medical records so if she decides on a job/career that needs a medical reference this will flag up! She would like to be a police person and he is worried for her (I know she is only 12 so may change)

Think I will talk to her and suggest we try the gp.

I also realise that getting her help is a much higher priority than a possible future career.

trickydickie · 20/03/2015 21:59

Frustrated, I have just read your posts. You must be utterly exhausted. It must have been horrific to find our daughter had tried to commit suicide. I really hope your daughter gets all the help she needs and you have some outside support too.

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