Support thread for parents of self harming/depressed/suicidal teens.

[ElleMcFearsome]

Inspired by MaryZ's amazing support thread for parents of troubled teens, I wondered if it would be helpful to have a place for those of us who are trying to support our teens who are self-harming/depressed or suicidal? If this is simply replicating MaryZ's thread I'll have it pulled, but I have started a thread about my DD in the MH topic and I see from this board that other people have done similar here.

There seems to be a great deal of info and support here (no surprise there) as well as some helpful information sharing and I thought trying to get it all in one place may be helpful?

This is my 3rd time trying to write something. (This is a shortened version!!)

My 13yo DD has been diagnosed with depression and is seeing CAMHS, she has been cutting herself and has attempted suicide.

I have suffered with depression since my DS was born 18 years ago and I now genuinely don't know how my friends and family coped.

Because I cannot cope with my DD's depression. I dread seeing her miserable face, putting up with her grunts or barely audible replies to whatever I say. And whatever I say is entirely the wrong thing and seems to make her even lower.

School and friends seem to be the big trigger for her at the moment, but I can't keep her home from school and any suggestions to avoid the people she doesn't like is 'stupid'.

I really feel like I am (or want to) banging my head against a brick wall, I understand her self harming now. I'm trying so hard not to show her how I feel but she must pick up on it. I've even started smoking again after quitting for a year but she doesn't know that either.

I know this is not about me and inside I'm dying for her. I hate the thought of her going through all the awful feelings I've had over the last 18 years, and i know I need to buck up to be able to help her, but I don't know how. Does anyone have any advice they can offer me?

Thank you. xx

Gosh, imalostcause, sounds like we're in a very similar situation.

I've had many discussions with the school and am going up to speak to my DD's pupil support teacher tomorrow. She feels like she's doing rubbish at school because she can't concentrate but actually she's getting good marks still.

I hope things improve for both or our daughters soon. xx

carriewintermeadow. Majestic is right about not focussing on the cutting. . Thirteen is the age that many young girls start to struggle and she will need to learn alternative coping strategies for her feelings if things get worse. Sometimes as mum, its difficult to understand exactly whats going on. My DD didnt want to upset me by telling me just how bad she felt. Is there someone older in or close to the family she might open up to ? Could she be worried about you at all ? its still important to let school know, I think, so they can keep an eye on her and watch for any changes in how she copes at school. They dont need to talk to her about the cutting, just if she has been acting a little differently. Also, if she goes to the GP, she should not be prescribed ADs. ADs should usually only be prescribed by a psychiatrist at camhs, alongside therapy, and usually when talking therapy isnt working. best of luck.

I've just come across this thread on active convos and I just wanted to ask at what age your dc started harming themselves and how it started?

My dd is just turned 9 and over the summer was saying that she wanted to die and scratching herself a lot. A lot of it was a reaction to a bladder condition she has which is now controlled with medication. Thankfully the wanting to die has gone away but whenever she gets upset she scratches herself badly. We're finally getting support from the school nurse and the family liaison officer at school who are both working on her confidence and self esteem.

I was recommended the Tess website. Not sure if any of you have come across it?

You all have my upmost empathy. It is heartbreaking to see your lovely dc say things and do things to hurt themselves. I can only hope that my dd gets better as I'm scared that she'll progress to harming with razors etc.

My DD started this year when she was 13. She was using scissors to cut at her wrist.

I was advised to put everything that she could use to hurt herself into a locked cupboard. Which I didn't do. Because I think if she was determined to hurt herself she'd find something and we still have to live life realistically.

Has your daughter been referred to CAMHS QueenCardigan? xx

Yes, indeed, Kalaziel, our situations are very similar.

My dd started cutting a few weeks, maybe a month ago. She found an older razor head, then took the blade out of a pencil sharpener.

I do understand about not taking away her chipping mechanisms, but I also promised I'd be totally open with her, I did tell her I wasn't angry or disappointed, but worried.

Queen, you must be so worried.

I have an older daughter, who lives abroad. I've told her about the situation and she is going to speak to dd as often as possible, so she'll be there for her if she wants to speak.

My DD who is now 13 has been cutting for over a year now. The first time it was very light scratches done with scissors. Tonight I had to take her to A&E as she had done quite a deep cut with a pencil sharpener blade.

At first she did it because of something that happened with her father, then it was friendship issues, now she just seems depressed.

We went to the GP as soon as I found out and got a referral to PCAMHS (CAMHS-light). Eventually after 3 months wait she got 6 sessions of individual counselling, seemed to get better, was discharged, started cutting again almost immediately. So back to GP we went, re-referral, this time we got 4 sessions of familly therapy, again with PCAMHS, that was one year after we first went to the GP. She was then again discharged as "not at risk", meaning she's not suicidal. I was told that some people live with self-harming for years. As if that makes it OK.

We're now waiting to hear from CAMHS to see if they can help. I'm also trying to access help via school and our local early intervention hub.

All these people mean well but they are so starved of funds, it's shameful. I'm glad this has finally been recognised officially (there was a parliamentary report I think, recently) but whether that will help in effecting any positive changes remains to be seen.

My DD, who is beautiful and clever and talented, feels ugly and stupid and worthless, and I can't seem to help her and it's breaking my heart. This morning she performed in front of the lower school, sang 2 songs, one in French, and agianst all evidence to the contrary, thought she had messed up and was rubbish and everybody was laughing at her.

Luckily she does speak to me but she doesn't seem to be able to identify her triggers, or to ask for help when she's feeling so low that she needs cutting.

I'm trying to set up a support group for parents of children who self-harm at DD's school, but even that is taking so long, I feel like I'm going round in circles. One of the things I find difficult is the lack of support I get, and I'm sure other parents or carers of a young person who self-harms must be feeling similarly lost. My friends were initially very supportive, but they have their own lives with their own problems.

Sorry that was so long, I feel a bit better for having written it all down. Well done if you read it all, and thank you.

Hi, is there anybody here to talk too ? It's been a while since anybody wrote anything

I'm just here in the hopes of finding someone who understands my pain and frustration being the mom of my depressed, anxious and suicidal 15 year old daughter, she has been depressed for so long now, but seems to only be getting worse :( she's not being bullied anymore but hates school so much, like the whole school system ! She has support around her but nothing seems to be changing, I get so frustrated sometimes then feel really guilty about it, I should understand, I'm her mom ! I literally jump through hoops just to get a smile out of her sometimes or a bit of a conversation, yet other times I can't shut her up ! Lol the highs are great but the lows are devastating and seem to be lasting longer and longer, she has so much support she can use around her and I'm here looking for someone who understands my feelings.... It's either that or cry alone in my room where the girls don't see me, I don't want her to feel I can't handle her problems.

Hi frustrated33, I'm still here.
DS1 (nearly 15) was ill for 18 months, then much better for 3 months. The last three weeks he has seemed very low and feels there is no point to anything. Back to CAMHS on Monday.

Hi TheFirstOfHerName, firstly what does DS1 mean? My daughter has to start CAMHS on Monday again also, she took tablets Sunday night and we ended up in a + e, I think it scared her from doing it again.

DS1 = eldest son.
Hope Monday goes well and that you get someone helpful.

Oh ok... Thanks you too... She's been before was no help at all, just don't know what else to do, plus the hospital wouldn't let her leave til she seen the CAMHS worker on the ward.

frustrated. there are a couple of other threads set up which are similar, so there are still many parents going through this and not coping and many mums crying in their room (like I did). I hope camhs can help her engage with therapy, to give her the skills to cope with her emotions. If she is actively suicidal, please fight hard with an underresourced CAMHS to find someone she will listen to. Does she see the psychiatrist as well as the psychologist , and have they suggested medication, particularly if her mood swings are extreme. I just want to offer you hope and encouragement that with time, patience and right professional support, things usually eventually get better.(in our case involving admissions to an adolescent unit). In the meantime, have you thought of seeing your GP and asking for a few sessions of CBT for yourself , as a safe place to cry and shout. Any parent going through this will understand how you feel, its isolating and really tough on all the family.

Yes, but it's my DS16 who has crashed spectacularly. From being the child who was so laid back he was virtually horizontal we've had several suicide attempts & regular self harm.

He's spent 2 months in hospital after I took him to A & E following the suicide attempts but has now been discharged into the care of CAMHS. So far our experience of CAMHS has been good (but I appreciate it's early days yet)

He's also back at school on a reduced basis - school have been brilliant with him and sorted out how he will manage AS & A levels.

He knows that the self harm bothers me but that I accept that at the moment it's his coping mechanism. I have made sure that he has clean blades, plenty of dressings and antiseptic cream etc. I can't see any point in hiding blades - he's a young man so needs to shave anyway & if he's going to cut I'd rather he used a clean blade than a rusty pencil sharpener.

I had a thread a while ago but my DD found it so I had it deleted- ive changed name so hopefully it's safe for me to post.

My dd, 15 hasn't Attended school since November, is under the care of camhs psychologist and psychiatrist - is very low, suffers from abxiety, cuts, suicidal at the moment and a week into treatment with fluoxetine

She sailed close to being admitted a week ago but the tablets are being given a chance to work first

I feel at the very edge of my coping ability - I have two other kids and husband works away - life is very hard right now

How do you deal with this long term without going under yourself ?

(Wave to anthropology who has been such a helpful sounding board for me xxx)

Hope the fluoxetine starts making a difference soon. I am bracing myself for tomorrow's CAMHS appt.

Well that was emotionally exhausting. He has been giving the appearance of coping but is actually v.low, has thoughts of self-harm most days, insomnia, anhedonia etc.

They have started him on 10mg fluoxetine, then will review and increase to 20mg after 3-4 weeks.

My dd is a week into fluoxetine 10mg and not sure how much has been placebo there seem to have been a slight lift.

How often are camhs going to see your DS?

X

As someone who used to self-harm I understand the importance of how reacting to it can effect children. the most important thing is don't make them feel worse, no matter how upset or angry you are don't start shouting, placing blame on anyone, taking phones of them or anything! this makes them feel like they're in trouble. they need to know that you are there for them and can handle this together, don't make them talk if they don't want to. I know that I felt like my parents wouldn't understand and I still don't think they do. The most important thing is just to let them talk when they're ready and see how they want to deal with this. it's such an overwhelming and scary time when parents find out and can often make the problem worse before it can start to get better!
also don't keep reminding them that "they have to stop, and can't keep doing this" because trust me if they could stop, they would!

Thanks felttippens, that's encouraging to hear. It's in liquid form and he finds the taste deeply unpleasant, but at next appt in 3 weeks will hopefully be changed over to a 20mg capsule.

Thank you Lauren. That post came just at the right time for me.

DS cut a lot again last night

Today me and ex dh (his dad) had a meeting with his head of year (9) and she advised that maybe taking his phone away from him will help remove some of the negativity for him, not as a punishment, but a way of helping him distance himself from Instagram etc.

I totally disagree with doing this and think that his phone is a source of support for him and a way of communicating with his friends (we are very rural). I think to remove it from him would feel like a punishment to him and make everything worse.

In fact, the thought that his dad may do this (he pays the contract) fills me with anxiety, on behalf of my ds.

Pasanda, I just wanted to say I know how you feel with the phone problem. We have been through some awful times with my 16yo DD (cutting, overdoses) although we are more positive at the moment (but not out of the woods). Social media on DD's phone was (is) her biggest issue - she struggles to switch off from Facebook, Instagram etc and if bullying/nasty comments are made she reacts badly, can't cope. However, as you say, it can also be a lifesaver - she has reached out to friends at times - a quick message or call and we have had them turn up to support her or phone me. We compromised by removing her phone at a set time each evening as evenings tended to be when she was lowest.

Following the chat about fluoxetine felttippens thefirstofhername, I think 10mg could well be more powerful than you think. My DD tried it but for her the side effects were bad, fainting several times a day. However, for another teen I know it turned her life around. Thankfully DD then tried sertraline which has been great.

Not sure where I'm going with this post but Unless you have been there, nobody can understand the feelings of a parent whose child is depressed, suicidal, self harming.... The number of times I have cried myself to sleep wondering how things can get any worse. However, I do now see light at the end of the tunnel, although I'm sure we will have more struggles to come. I just want to say I'm thinking of you all.

I have had an email from the H of Y inviting us to a meeting at school after half-term to do a CAF. Does anyone have experience of a CAF being used in this sort of situation?