DD and family are asking me not to use mumsnet

[Minifingers]

My 13 year old DD has stalked me across mumsnet - logging on to my settings and searching my history to see what I've written about her. I've tried to cover my tracks by clearing my history and occasionally name changing, but she's seen quite a lot of what I've written. She is furious that I'm talking about her on an internet board and has asked me to stop. I have explained that I've had fantastic advice and support from this board which at times has been sanity-saving for me, and that it's all anonymous. No matter. She doesn't want me to talk about her here, or to phone parent line and discuss our problems there either.

She has support in this from my mother (who is 78, has never used the internet and doesn't understand how boards like this work) and from DH who I suspect feels pretty contemptuous about mn generally. I've not had one family member support me in seeing this board as useful support and advice.

Should add - I have been bought to the edge of despair by dd's behaviour over the last few years. I feel my life is very stressful - I have an autistic child as well as dd and there are times I have felt like I'm hanging on by my fingertips. The thought of not being able to get support or 'talk' to people outside of the family about what we are going through is very upsetting.

But is it wrong of me to carry on using this board if I know DD is accessing it, and if there's no way I can stop her from seeing my posts?

It's becoming a real issue, and dd has raised it with the psychiatrist she is seeing at CAMHS. She says that they have told her that it's wrong for me to write about my family on mumsnet. I doubt they've actually said this, but he may have acknowledged her feeling her privacy has been violated.

Wonder what you think?

Good Lord, I do sound like a regular from The Goose and Carrot.

Well, the OP is not offered a choice between this and confiding in HCPs- this is the only option she has.

Also, I suspect even if the NHS did offer her support, the number of professionals with actual experience of families with this particular problem is very small: her chances of accessing the same level of experience as on MN through the health service are minuscule.

The day the NHS offers the same level of support to parents of children with chronic health isssues or behavioural problems as to the children themselves, much of Mumsnet will become superfluous.

I suppose strictly speaking the whole of the Relationship section is about broadcasting the issues of dysfunctional families on the internet. Not to mention the toxic parents threads and MIL threads.

it is doubtful she is "allowed" to talk about it to real life friends either.

She may not want to talk to RL friends about her DD. Feeling that you have failed as a parent, and carrying around that sense of shame that it must somehow all be your fault, when everyone around you seems to be coping swimmingly with their perfectly happy, compliant and reasonable teenagers must be an incredibly lonely and desperate feeling.

I think you may have a point there cory.
And AIBU is about broadcasting your own dysfunction on the www and begging for it to be the norm and then being outraged when it isn't.

No, Himalayan, I wasn't saying her needs were greater than her daughter's needs. I was saying that her needs (or her family's needs) are greater than my own, yet I can still post here for advice and she should be able to reach out for that support too.

Well I have had an 'interesting' time with one of mine these last couple of years, albeit nowhere near as bad as the things some of you have gone through, and I know how low I have felt at times, with what have been relatively minor issues in comparison, so I can't begin to imagine what it must be like for some of you. You are bloody amazing women. Honestly.

(and I had a little rant about people over-using or mis-using the word amazing the other day, but in this case I really mean it.)

My DS is lovely now, has been for several years. He is calm, has good control over his responses to triggers and knows what to do when he begins to struggle. He leaves a situation rather than having a meltdown.
He's a lot less difficult to handle now than many of the NT teens of friends.
But I don't feel cocky or smug, or think that I know how to handle other people's problems with their children.
I do remember how bewildered and isolated I felt, despite the degrees and the experience and the theory of how to cope.

Himalayan I work in the place you speak of and unless sectioned or seriously self harming or suicidal mini's daughter would not get a bed.

What on earth do you mean, Madame? What place is that you imagine I speak of? In the whole of London, do you think there is only one "place" where a child at risk can get help?

The child is not at risk, any more than the hordes of children being plastered all over FB by their irritating and irritated parents are.

himalaya, do you have teenage children? Or are you posting solely from the perspective of having been a teenager at some point in your life and remembering how embarrassed your parents made you feel?

Himalayan I want to punch you on the head. How dare you say mini needs to deal with her own mental health issues not blame her daughter. FFS are you ignoring what she is saying. Her daughter is the cause of the problems.

Wound you just ignore an abscess in your tooth and keep taking painkillers or get the abscess drained and take a course of antibiotics?????

Mini have you had family therapy at all. Has CAMHS provided this?

himalayan, you have still not explained how you know about CAHMS provision or how it works
(my own impression is that you don't know very much about it at all)

you have also not explained how this child is at risk or what actions of the OPs that need to be dealt with

Could you please explain what you mean by the OPs mental health issues, himalayan:

do you mean that the OP is hallucinating and imagining that her dd is hitting and pushing her when nothing of the kind is taking place?

and if so, what is your actual evidence for this?

or do you mean that feeling stressed when you are pushed and punched must denote an underlying mental health issue as no ordinary person could possibly react in that way?

She is not at risk.

AND

There are very few CAMHS units or private units across the country. Kids are sometimes sent to places 2 or 3 counties away because beds are so scarce.

I do actually know what I am talking about too.

Mini, I know a fab family therapist if you want to PM me.

Himalayan I want to punch you on the head.

Hahahhahahhaaaa. To be fair Himalayan you are asking for it.

madame can I ask you if her initials are LB? I know where you live and I think I might know how you mean. If it's her then she is indeed fantastic.

(although you work in this field so perhaps you know loads)

Sorry just think someone needs to knock some sense into her/him after all she/he is taking no notice of rational discussion and personal experience.

That or jar the train of thought that got stuck so so long ago!

not that I have had family therapy but I have had another sort.

No it's a man, Fellatio.

Do I know you???