DD and family are asking me not to use mumsnet

[Minifingers]

My 13 year old DD has stalked me across mumsnet - logging on to my settings and searching my history to see what I've written about her. I've tried to cover my tracks by clearing my history and occasionally name changing, but she's seen quite a lot of what I've written. She is furious that I'm talking about her on an internet board and has asked me to stop. I have explained that I've had fantastic advice and support from this board which at times has been sanity-saving for me, and that it's all anonymous. No matter. She doesn't want me to talk about her here, or to phone parent line and discuss our problems there either.

She has support in this from my mother (who is 78, has never used the internet and doesn't understand how boards like this work) and from DH who I suspect feels pretty contemptuous about mn generally. I've not had one family member support me in seeing this board as useful support and advice.

Should add - I have been bought to the edge of despair by dd's behaviour over the last few years. I feel my life is very stressful - I have an autistic child as well as dd and there are times I have felt like I'm hanging on by my fingertips. The thought of not being able to get support or 'talk' to people outside of the family about what we are going through is very upsetting.

But is it wrong of me to carry on using this board if I know DD is accessing it, and if there's no way I can stop her from seeing my posts?

It's becoming a real issue, and dd has raised it with the psychiatrist she is seeing at CAMHS. She says that they have told her that it's wrong for me to write about my family on mumsnet. I doubt they've actually said this, but he may have acknowledged her feeling her privacy has been violated.

Wonder what you think?

I agree again with Znaika - there are only a handful of schools her dd might go to. How many of us reading this might be teachers at those schools? How many of us might have dc at those schools?

It would be naive in the extreme to believe that this child can't be easily identified - and that would be accidentally, without even looking.

In fact, the thread title here is misleading in the extreme. "DD and family are asking me not to use mumsnet" - that's not at all true, is it? Dd and the extended family are asking (not demanding) that the OP stop posting detailed criticisms and allegations about her dd. They are not asking her to stop using MN as a support system.

Anonymously, Bonsoir. What do you think the chances are that someone who is not the dd and who did not already know those things would recognise her?

When the dd spills the beans about the OP, otoh, that is not anonymous. The CAHMS professional is the one the OP will have to deal with, the one who will then suggest how she should deal with the dd. The school counsellor (if any) is attached to the school the OP will have to speak with re her dd's attendance etc. Reports on CAHMS meetings are sent to the GP and other medical professionals- the ones that the OP will have to deal with in her daily life.

This is going to go around and around and around forever.
OP, have you got enough information of various sorts from different posters to help you come to a decision?

But himalayan, how can she use MN as a support net without making allegations about her dd if the one thing she needs support with is her dd's violence? How does that work?

I frequently use the SN board for support for dd's health issues. Would be a little difficult if I wasn't allowed to refer to her health.

This is going to go around and around and around forever.
OP, have you got enough information of various sorts from different posters to help you come to a decision?

How odd, I've posted twice and have no idea how.
Apologies.

Cory, she could talk about herself. She could take responsibility for her own mental health and actions, and she could stop blaming her dd for "making" her ill.

Here is a huge list of organisations who will help a mother with mental health problems. Many of them are in London.

That's all well and good but as I understand it, the OP doesn't have mental health problems.

'Cory, she could talk about herself. She could take responsibility for her own mental health and actions, and she could stop blaming her dd for "making" her ill.'

Yup, if I didn't love my children then what they did and didn't do wouldn't matter to me anything like as much.
I've taught in some very challenging schools and got angry about the circumstances that some children were dealing with, and felt frustrated at the consequences that resulted.
But it never impacted on me in the same devastating way as when my own children were the cause of the problems, and that did make me ill. And occasionally bruised.
I don't blame them, but they are the cause.

himalayan Mon 03-Jun-13 12:10:29
"Cory, she could talk about herself. She could take responsibility for her own mental health and actions, and she could stop blaming her dd for "making" her ill."

Any actions in particular? The way I have read these threads, the violence and abusive language seem to have been on the part of the dd. There is no evidence that the OP suffers from MH problems. But I expect most of us would be stressed if we were being pushed around and locked out of our own house.

Perhaps the OP should come back and post: "I have been hit in the face by an unknown person who also locked me out of my house. I feel very stressed. How can I take responsibility for my feelings about this?"

Of course the OP might be lying through her teeth. Any one of us might be lying through our teeth, including the ones that post about their latest handbag or their best recipe for shepherd's pie. But MN kind of works on the assumption that we give the best advice we can based on the information supplied.

Some poster seem to suggest that because these posts are about a teen threatening her mother there is a prima facie case for assuming the parent is lying. Sadly, I see no evidence for this assumption in life as I know it.

I do see both sides here. I speak as someone who accidentally identified someone in real life from here, through two postings, one about her ginger-haired daughters and the other about the (small) school they wanted to move to.

OP, I'd ask MN to remove the back history if I were you and ESPECIALLY anything about your daughter's personal appearance. I suspect most teens would cope much better with anonymous postings about vile behaviour than about their bra size (I looked, to see how identifiable you and she are, and I do think you need to restrict what you say).

But I'll continue to post about my own teens although I know they would growl about it. Why should you have less of an outlet than that when your need is greater?

Loads of people have been identified on MN - if you are a poster with anything like a normal social life you can't help recognising people.

There seems to be a bit of a contradiction about whose needs are greater. Lancelottie is saying that the OP's needs are greater than her dd's, so she should take priority; but then SoupDragon is saying the OP doesn't need mental health support. It would be good for the family to be clear about whose needs are most pressing.

I don't think there is any contradiction. If the OPs needs are caused by stress relating to one particular situation, then it would make little sense to look at them apart from that situation.

But the OP's dd is specifically asking her mum not to post about her on MN. CAMHS is apparently saying she should not.

So to me it's a no-brainer. Especially since, as so many have pointed out, MN is far from being an anonymous site.

So if the dd makes a request the mother has to accept it. Does the dd have to respect a similar request made by the mother, e.g. concerning facebook?

And what about requests made by the mother about not stalking her, about not taking her things, about not using physical violence? (I think we can assume that the mother has made requests not to be hit around the face or locked out of her own house.)

Is it all one sided?

I don't think our local CAHMS would be prepared to work that way, with the concessions all on one side tbh. They wouldn't see it as healthy. They would want a general discussion about how everybody in the family respects boundaries- and that would certainly include the daughter.

I'm also interested in the situation of the younger sibling. Is he allowed to talk about his home situation or does he, too, have to accept any boundaries set by his older sister?

Good post, cory.

It is not a good idea for the daughter to feel she can make demands while refusing to consider the impact of her own behaviour on other family members.

There is a world of difference between confiding in HCPs and broadcasting your dysfunctional family's issues on the internet.

Yup,one is likely to get you sympathy, support and useful advice in the middle of the night.
The other one is a timed appointment slot with someone who often has no real clue as to your true situation and what is constructive advice.