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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Well shit. I handled that one badly.

455 replies

survivingthechildren · 16/04/2013 12:19

Oh Christ what have I done. First post here, but have really blown it and could use some advice.

Just minutes ago I had a major fracas with DS(15). It was that bloody xbox that did it. Things have steadily been going down hill for months - cheek, not helping with chores, have to nag to get everything done, fighting 24/7 with family... We always follow through, try to have natural consequences, yanno from parenting 101.

But tonight (we live in NZ), DS is in the attic where we have a sort of teen hideout, playing on xbox live. We've been entertaining the neighbours and DS has been a disgrace all night. Grunting when spoken to, sulked because we asked him to eat at the table and not up in the den, swore at DS and I. I was mortified. And so so furious. Even writing those words now is making me sweat with rage.

So after they head home I go to have a word. Consequence will be no xbox for 5 days. I'm talking to DS, he jams him headset back on, gives me this horrible sneer, and them says "you don't control me bitch". Then he turns back to the screen and says to his mate "sorry, I was just putting my mother in her place".

The red mist just descended.

I went straight over to that fucking machine and threw it out the window. It's now lying smashed to pieces on the path.

Oh shit shit shit. Still not a good way to handle things. I'm now swinging between frothing wildly at the mouth and wanting to you upstairs and blast him, and wanting to slap myself for blowing my cool so spectacularly.

DS is in shock and hasn't emerge since I stormed from the room.

Do I go up and talk?

Oh God. Can't I just go back and make a better, calmer decision?

OP posts:
DIYapprentice · 17/04/2013 07:15

Punishment sounds ideal! Sounds like you REALLY shocked him if he snuck out of the house before you were up to avoid facing you!!!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 17/04/2013 07:16

Good for you OP.
The consequences sound sensible.

I have a 15 and 14 year old. There have only been 2 occasions that I have lost it in a major way.
The first time, I took my sons blackberry phone and crushed it with my foot. He is still earning it back.
The second time I took the door off my daughters bedroom. And threw it in the garden.

I think the shock tactic will work. For a while anyway.
It did with mine.
Teenagers are hard work, constantly pushing the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.
We all so stuff in the heat of the moment. On this occasion I think your reaction was justified.

There are no games consoles in bedrooms here. And the wireless settings switch off the Internet at 10pm.
Sometimes I feel like a flipping policewoman.

I just hold on to the flashes of decent human being that I see in my DCs from time to time and hope that they will come through this bloody teenage crap quickly

Jaynebxl · 17/04/2013 07:32

Wow! Dreading the teenage years but well done OP!

Waiting to hear how things go after school...

BeckAndCall · 17/04/2013 07:32

Another mum watching with begrudging respect here - many times I felt like kicking the damn box. We used to just unplug the modem so he had no connection ( he seemed alright when playing solo games, just got grotty in the online mode)

I'd wait and see how he behaves when he comes in, but clearly you have to talk about it. You can apologise for breaking it but don't replace it until his birthday or Christmas.

You'll find him a different boy without it - he might smile or form a complete sentence.

If its any consolation, they turn out lovely by the time they're about 18 or 19. Or when they discover girls.

ItsintheBag · 17/04/2013 07:45

Wow, go OP.
I dread the teenage years I really do.Your DS will have a learnt a lesson that everyone has a limit ,which he met and exceeded.
I wouldn't say sorry for flinging it out the window.It's exactly where it needed to be given what was said.

usualsuspect · 17/04/2013 07:47

Why is everyone dreading the teenage years?

MNetters don't like teenagers much do they.

sydlexic · 17/04/2013 07:48

I am very lonely in my view. Whilst I understand what you did I don't think you should be praised for bad behaviour anymore that he would be.

You should be the adult and lead by example, sorry.

flow4 · 17/04/2013 07:49

Just found this thread before heading out to work, and you've made my day, stc. :)

I'm just hoping the window was open and you don't find a neighbour unconscious on the path outside in the morning... Grin Other that that, it may not have been textbook parenting, but that's only because the textbooks aren't written by people who have real-life foul teens to deal with.

So, another medal here from me. :)

TantrumsAndBalloons · 17/04/2013 07:51

I love my teenagers usual

Most of the time they are bloody amazing. Then there are the times that they back chat, keep me up half the night worrying, shout, eat every bit of food in the house, stay out late and don't answer their phones.

Tbh I have found the teenage years the most challenging but also, as they grow up into young men and women, the most enjoyable, if that makes sense?

ItsintheBag · 17/04/2013 07:59

Dreading the teenage years is not the same as disliking teenagers Hmm

Mine are stroppy enough without giving them hormones as well.

TiredyCustards · 17/04/2013 08:08

Good for you op. Those consoles are the devil's work!

usualsuspect · 17/04/2013 08:08

I wouldn't be happy with pages and pages of internet randoms calling my DS a little shit etc no matter what he had said. But each to their own

SoupDragon · 17/04/2013 08:12

Let's hope your DS doesn't behave like a little shit and you don't tell a bunch of "randoms" on the internet about it then.

BohemianWrapsForTea · 17/04/2013 08:23

Usual, I have just started the teenage years with my ds, and so far it's shit - give me a tantruming unreasonable Duracell bunny of a toddler any day - far easier than dealing with a grunting stroppy teen! (IMO of course)

piprabbit · 17/04/2013 08:29

Soupdragon I don't have teenagers, but I can clearly remember being a teenager and my mum losing it. I wasn't scared or upset, I can remember feeling quite detached and thinking "you ridiculous little woman". And I wanted to point out to the OP that, although most people are saying that the OP acted in a strong, powerful way, there is a possibility that from her DS's point of view it made her look weak and ineffectual.

pigsinmud · 17/04/2013 08:39

Doesn't it just send the message if I'm angry it's ok to smash things. My brother did exactly the same to his ds's Xbox. I was shocked - it was under less provocation than your situation though.

Jaynebxl · 17/04/2013 09:11

Usualsuspect I can only speak for myself but as a primary teacher I had loads of experience with younger children before having my own. So I have always felt happy with children up to the age of 11. I did one term work in a secondary school and found it a bit frightening so yes, I'm not looking forward to the teen years and all the hormones that come with it!

SoupDragon · 17/04/2013 10:16

I can clearly remember being a teenager

That is completely different to being a parent of one. It is only hen you get to be in the position of a parent to a teenager that you realise what your own parents went through.

I have apologised to my own parents quite a few times since having children of my own!

BohemianWrapsForTea · 17/04/2013 10:17

Piprabbit, from your posts, I would surmise that your teenage years perhaps weren't as mild as you were suggesting. It sounds as though you were very arrogant.
Thinking "you ridiculous little woman" doesn't sound far off the attitude of the op's son.
From this very brief snapshot, I find myself feeling a little sorry for your DM.

JollyJumpingJelly · 17/04/2013 10:21

You did the right thing. If he carries on thinking he can talk about his mum with so little respect, imagine how he would treat future partners. If he had said that to a wife in the future it would be abusive, it's no different now. Make sure he gives you an apology before things go back to normal too. He needs to really understand how wrong it is to speak to someone like that. On a side note, I would have loved to see his face Grin

GreenEggsAndNichts · 17/04/2013 10:30

Agree Bohemian. The very very few times my mother had cause to be angry with me, and show it, I knew it was justified. I'd pushed her too far.

And OP needs to be careful about any potential apology re: XBox out the window. Because the fact that the XBox is gone is not her fault; it would have been gone from the house, one way or the other. The method was not the textbook ideal way to do it, however, the way the DS spoke to her was hardly textbook perfect son behaviour.

As several of us have said, we (or family members) remember the day we pushed our parents to the breaking point. It made an impression on us. Most of us came out the other side with our relationship intact and better for it. The key here is the OP doesn't do this regularly. This was a one-off, in response to a shocking one-off (hopefully) from her son.

OP I think your plan sounds good. It's very important you show a united front with your DH on this. Definitely let him do a lot of the talking here as well; your son needs to hear from both of you that that is not the way you speak to each other in your house. etcetc. DS obviously already knows how you feel about it Wink hence my saying to let DH get his word in as well.

piprabbit · 17/04/2013 10:36

I haven't criticised the OP, or judged her for what she did. I have only tried to give an alternative point of view. And for that I have been called arrogant and it's been implied that I probably deserved a good thrashing as child. Lovely.

Original poster
survivingthechildren · 17/04/2013 10:49

Hi ladies,

Sorry to leave you all hanging, but here i the update! When he shuffled in the door, DH and I immediately asked him to come and talk.

Very glad we didn't speak to him last night, as having the whole day to think about this helped us both I think. I started by saying, to DS "I've thought all day about what I should say to you and how I'm going to make it stick". We talked about respect, and why I lost it, and that this sort of disrespect has not ever, and will not be tolerated towards us.

And he did apologise. He said that he was sorry for what he said and knew it was way out of line. He said he knew it was disrespectful to use that sort of language, and that he knows I do a lot for our family. He then apologised graciously to the other DC. He's not one to admit when he's wrong, so hopefully this means he heard us.

And as for the punishment... After a few of you pointed out that I would have to haul sulky DS to a refuge centre to volunteer it may not be the most effective punishment, we decided that for the month he is grounded he will take over 4 of my usual household chores. DH and I have quite a good rhythm going on when it comes to household maintenance neither of us have high standards, but DS will take on certain things in addition to him own chores. I figure he'll have hours freed up now that the xbox gone!

Thank-you so much for your kindness ladies!

P.S. As I was finishing up this post, DS passed the lounge on his was to shower. He just doubled back and said, "You know, I really am sorry Mum". I told him that tomorrow is a new day, and he has every opportunity to grow from here. Let's hope he can back his words with action!

OP posts:
willyoulistentome · 17/04/2013 10:52

So no more doubts about whether you did the right thing then?????

GrinGrinGrin

You SO did the right thing, and you have HELPED your DS no end!

Congrats!!!!

Gigondas · 17/04/2013 10:52

Thanks for the update- sounds like it has shocked him into thinking again. And like the new day idea.

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