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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Well shit. I handled that one badly.

455 replies

survivingthechildren · 16/04/2013 12:19

Oh Christ what have I done. First post here, but have really blown it and could use some advice.

Just minutes ago I had a major fracas with DS(15). It was that bloody xbox that did it. Things have steadily been going down hill for months - cheek, not helping with chores, have to nag to get everything done, fighting 24/7 with family... We always follow through, try to have natural consequences, yanno from parenting 101.

But tonight (we live in NZ), DS is in the attic where we have a sort of teen hideout, playing on xbox live. We've been entertaining the neighbours and DS has been a disgrace all night. Grunting when spoken to, sulked because we asked him to eat at the table and not up in the den, swore at DS and I. I was mortified. And so so furious. Even writing those words now is making me sweat with rage.

So after they head home I go to have a word. Consequence will be no xbox for 5 days. I'm talking to DS, he jams him headset back on, gives me this horrible sneer, and them says "you don't control me bitch". Then he turns back to the screen and says to his mate "sorry, I was just putting my mother in her place".

The red mist just descended.

I went straight over to that fucking machine and threw it out the window. It's now lying smashed to pieces on the path.

Oh shit shit shit. Still not a good way to handle things. I'm now swinging between frothing wildly at the mouth and wanting to you upstairs and blast him, and wanting to slap myself for blowing my cool so spectacularly.

DS is in shock and hasn't emerge since I stormed from the room.

Do I go up and talk?

Oh God. Can't I just go back and make a better, calmer decision?

OP posts:
DyeInTheEar · 16/04/2013 21:03

I hope this is a watershed moment for your DS. He knows well and truly where the line is and not to cross it again. I hope he never refers to any woman, especially you, as a bitch and doesn't think women need to be put in their place again.

I think your DH needs to stand firm beside you and make it clear that kind of language and posturing is completely unacceptable - and that real men do not treat women like that. You've sent a strong message to your other DCs too. You are not there to be spoken to like that. To call your mother a bitch is terrible. I've been an absolutely vile daughter in my time but I've never called my DM a bitch!

I agree with the posters who have said that anger is acceptable. It's a natural, vital human emotion. We need anger to show that something is wrong and something needs to change. We can use our anger to show our DCs that there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. We show our DCs anger safely and we then forgive them when they are contrite. We do this so they hopefully don't behave like anti social twats in the "real world" where they will be lamped / hated / outcasts.

KateDillington · 16/04/2013 21:03

You should write a parenting book. Grin

Charlesroi · 16/04/2013 21:14

Well done OP. Not only did you remove a catalyst of the problem, but you made the arrogant little gobshite look silly in front of his friend (who is probably still cringing with embarrassment).

RatherBeACyborg · 16/04/2013 21:14

Good on you. I would have probably done the same thing.

Me and my siblings still the discuss the day our mum, after listening to us moan about dinner (don't like this, don't want that) hoofed the lot out the back door and took herself off to the Chippy.

MyFace · 16/04/2013 21:16

Forgive me, but I can't stop imagining you as a Miss Trunchbull-esque (from Matilda) figure, but obviously with much more sense and beauty Grin

nannyof3 · 16/04/2013 21:21

U done well..

Tell his friend to go home!

Sailormercury · 16/04/2013 21:25

I second making him pick the bits up but please film him doing it and then put it on youtube.

Paddlinglikefluffyducklings · 16/04/2013 21:50

Wow just read the whole thread.

Fantastic OP. I would be opening up this den tomorrow and making him join the 'real' world.

Looking forward to Part 2!

Jezabelle · 16/04/2013 21:53

Yep, his friend definitely needs to asked to leave if he hasn't already. Cut him no slack! You would be doing him a disservice if you did not make him aware in no uncertain terms that this is outrageous, unacceptable behaviour.

Even if, as previous poster insinuated, you are controlling, it still does not make this in any way acceptable! To back down and apologise now would be like telling him it's ok to treat you like this and if he would like to be abusive to a woman with whom he has a relationship with in 5 years time, that's ok too. Well done for showing him that it's not.

almondfinger · 16/04/2013 21:55

Wow, OP, well done. I was gobsmacked at what he said to you but then astounded by what you did next. I'd love to have seen the look on his face.

I would be another ensuring that DH is very much on your side. I'd also be dismantling the teenage den and making him rejoin the family unit and not planet of the apes.

Well done you!

BrokenBananaTantrum · 16/04/2013 21:57

Brilliant
I still remember the day I came home from school to find all the stuff from the floor of my bedroom in bin bags in the back garden. It was raining too. My mum had warned me and warned me that she would do this if I did not tidy my room and she went for it. I kept my room tidy from then on beleive me! I was 14yo at the time. Needed a lesson in respect and I learned it.

FryOneFatManic · 16/04/2013 21:58

If I've read this correctly the friend is whoever the DS was talking to online, ie not someone actually there in the room.

stealthsquiggle · 16/04/2013 21:58

LOL Jezabelle - friend wasn't physically there - he was sat in his own pit house wondering why the connection suddenly dropped. I wonder how long it took the OP's DS to close his mouth and work out how to explain Grin

brdgrl · 16/04/2013 22:05

OP, I can think if a couple of occasions when I wish I'd just done the same. (Although in my case I'd be writing DSS and I think I'd get a different response on here!)

Plus3 · 16/04/2013 22:50

I would have done the same thing myself - my worry would be on where to go next.

Great if you can both apologise & move on, but what if he remains angry & disrespectful?

Good luck Smile

AlwaysOneMissing · 16/04/2013 22:58

Well done op! They were truly awful things he said to you, I'm not surprised you lost it.
Will be interesting to see what he says about it tomorrow... good luck.

NorksAreMessy · 16/04/2013 22:58

I once threw a sandwich at DD because she said she didn't fancy what was in it. It was 6.45 am and I was doing packed lunches.
She never complained about her packed lunch ever again, and still refers to the incident 10 years later.

And that was a TINY thing in comparison to this :)

TastesLikePanda · 16/04/2013 23:00

A teacher did this to my class once, not with a computer but a tray of pens, rulers etc.

We were dicking about and not paying attention... He picked the entire tray up and without taking his eyes off us, threw the entire lot at the wall behind him. Shocked us all into silence. We never did it again though.

Op, I add to your high fives, now you have so many your hand will be sore! I really hope your son learns his lesson.

As many other posters have said - if I dared to speak to my parents like that... I'd barely have survived.

Fedupnagging · 16/04/2013 23:01

Well done OP. I can understand why you think you handled the situation badly but, actually, that was your immediate reaction to a completely inappropriate remark - and as has already been said, its good for,your ds to see you angry in that situation.

Wonder how your DS will explain his lack of Xbox to his mates!

FreshLeticia · 16/04/2013 23:02

Ha, OP, bet he never even dreamed you would do that. Sometimes teenagers need to know that they have driven you too far.
Have a quiet evening now and leave him to come to you to apologise.
And, don't buy a new one for a while. I'm saying this because if they buy their own you are not really entitled to destroy it, but if you buy it then it is your perogative.

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2013 23:12

You did exactly the right thing, OP. He has a terrible attitude and now he has to explain to his friends exactly why he can't play the stupid thing.

If you'd confiscated it you would've had him moaning and crying and pestering you for it and it would've been just as much a punishment for you. It's like grounding someone - it's awful being around someone who's been grounded.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 16/04/2013 23:31

Wow, I've come to this late, but have to agree. Respect!

I've read your OP to my 15 yo DS who was playing Minecraft while on Skype with his mate. He was Shock at the 'bitch' comment thank goodness but still thought you were 'awesome.' Grin

FairPhyllis · 16/04/2013 23:33

I think that was a pretty goshdarned good way to handle it, myself.

I'd want to know where he got that contemptuous attitude towards women and if he speaks to/about other women or girls like that.

Making him apologise to his sibs about why there will no longer be a games console in the house is a good idea too.

FairyArmadillo · 16/04/2013 23:59

I've only read up to page 3. I agree with NOT replacing the X Box. Not only that- I'd be reclaiming that teenage den for myself.

bootsycollins · 17/04/2013 00:06

I use to threaten to cut the plug off, your my heroine Grin

This will be hilarious when it's all blown over

*disclaimer this could take min 2 years to blow over

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