Well shit. I handled that one badly.

[survivingthechildren]

Oh Christ what have I done. First post here, but have really blown it and could use some advice.

Just minutes ago I had a major fracas with DS(15). It was that bloody xbox that did it. Things have steadily been going down hill for months - cheek, not helping with chores, have to nag to get everything done, fighting 24/7 with family... We always follow through, try to have natural consequences, yanno from parenting 101.

But tonight (we live in NZ), DS is in the attic where we have a sort of teen hideout, playing on xbox live. We've been entertaining the neighbours and DS has been a disgrace all night. Grunting when spoken to, sulked because we asked him to eat at the table and not up in the den, swore at DS and I. I was mortified. And so so furious. Even writing those words now is making me sweat with rage.

So after they head home I go to have a word. Consequence will be no xbox for 5 days. I'm talking to DS, he jams him headset back on, gives me this horrible sneer, and them says "you don't control me bitch". Then he turns back to the screen and says to his mate "sorry, I was just putting my mother in her place".

The red mist just descended.

I went straight over to that fucking machine and threw it out the window. It's now lying smashed to pieces on the path.

Oh shit shit shit. Still not a good way to handle things. I'm now swinging between frothing wildly at the mouth and wanting to you upstairs and blast him, and wanting to slap myself for blowing my cool so spectacularly.

DS is in shock and hasn't emerge since I stormed from the room.

Do I go up and talk?

Oh God. Can't I just go back and make a better, calmer decision?

Oh and btw OP, congratulations on a spectacular start to your MN posting career. I will never forget this thread You're a goddamn hero.

Really awesome, well done I salute you and would also wonder if this is a first in the history of mn? Thank you for your services to humanity and especially your future daughter/son in law

I've come back to this thread tonight as I think it's my all time favourite thread. A distraught woman, who has just gone through one of her very least fine parenting momemts, admits to such expecting a flaming. And, instead, she gets 15 pages of parents saying, "Way to go!" Parenting teens can be a real rollercoaster sometimes and I think we can all resonate with that.

What a welcome change from the recent Amanda Holden/Some DM reporter hype.

Ha! Never thought I would be so pleased to have 350 people call my DS a little shite! I actually did not see him this morning as he had taken off out the door at first light - but called school and he at least made it there.

Now that I've had a chance to think about it, I am no less angry. DH and I had a long chat this morning - I really feel like how we handle the aftermath of this will be a make or break type situation.

To answer a few questions, so he has never spoken to me or DH like this before. I couldn't tell you where it comes from, certainly not modelled by his father! He has always been one to argue back, debate a point until he's blue in the face, he grew out of a lot of the silliness we saw a child but recently the the attitude has been getting darker - but has just been sulking and extreme gobbiness.

DH and I will talk to him first after school today, about exactly why his comment was unacceptable, and let him know on no uncertain terms will anything of the sort every be tolerated under our roof. We will then have a family meeting where we will let all DC know the standards of behaviour in our house, and DS can make his apologises to them then. I don't know how that all will go, I'm only praying that he recognises how disgusting his behaviour was.

He will also be grounded for a month, and no games console will be allowed until the year is out. If he would like one after that, he can get buy his own Xbox and games, and he will be buying and setting up the Internet for it. And also, it will remain in the front room. An apology to the neighbours for the orginal infraction will also be happening.

So, what do you reckon mumsnet? Am also thinking having to spend some of his summer volunteering with a women's group would nt go a miss, but is that overdoing it?

Not sure a women's group would appreciate a grumpy male teen, tbh.

Pretty sound response OP. Just wondering if what he hears from that is that he can have a games console at the end of the year. And it might therefore be something to fixate on. I think you should see how he responds over time before telling he can have one back.

Sounds good OP. I think something to tackle the misogyny in particular would be good by like OldLady says, I don't think a woman's group would appreciate him that much.

If you are going to be discussing standards of behaviour for the house, make sure you are clear that throwing things out of the window in anger in not acceptable.

My DM would, very occasionally, get very angry with my fairly mild teenage attitude. She would threaten to hit me with a wooden spoon. One day, I can remember looking at her, beside herself with anger, and I knew that I had won because she had lost control of herself. I snapped that bloody spoon in half and in that moment she lost my respect and the right to discipline me. It has taken a very long time for our relationship to recover it's equilibrium, about 25 years until I had my own DCs.

Just saying.

Sounds good and balanced, though Edie has a point - maybe wait til after you've discussed the other bits (and he's apologised) before raising the gaming/Xbox issues.

I made DH read your OP earlier and he was impressed! He said "Well it certainly is an Ex-box now"

Hmm good point ladies. Will just say there will be no Xbox for the foreseeable future. If and when there is a continuous marked improvement, he can see about sorting himself out for one.

My guess is that he will go round to friends and play.

I was thinking about this - if he's grounded for a month, that's fine, but after that he might start practically living at a mate's house if he can Xbox there.
Maybe have a word with his friends parents so they understand that the Xbox ban applies to him not your house, like car insurance belonging to the driver not the car!

Sorry, bad analogy, I have no idea why I'm still awake.

I think it's a good plan. I would make sure that you absolutely don't apologise for throwing out the window: I really think it was completely justifiable.

haven't read thread but can't see what you did wrong

I completely agree with what freddiem said. I have looked at the last few posts too; maybe the volunteering would be a bit OTT but certainly something that gets him out wouldn't hurt.

Given he was online with others I would perhaps research addiction to gaming and look at the content of the game to see if that could be having an influence on him & his moods.

In dealing with him would be collaborative; not overly touchy-feely but talking to him as an adult about whether he is feeling OK. I dunno; I feel what piprabbit says is pertinent, especially about apologising (frankly) for your poor example of behaviour. Your current suggestions may feel a little draconian to him and cause him to rebel further; to 'play up' to the childish image he may think you have of him. Good luck anyway!

So, we read the stuff about how their frontal cortex is disengaged at this age and how they are only able to make a limbic (emotive response) so we need to cut them some slack...but that, putting the bitch in her place was calculated and disrespectful and a sign of intelligent life.
What I am saying is - he was not being a victim to his hormones, he was being vile.
He deserves everything he gets.
Calm down. Have a cup of tea.
Then tomorrow sit him down and say - "if I had said to my friend "sorry, just putting the vile brat in his place" and carried on like you did, how would you feel".
The idea is to get him to develop empathy.
Hopefully he says "I would feel pretty shit and/or angry".
Then you get to say "so did I! so I responded the way I did".

Then maybe set some agreed boundaries? Rules that the two of you agree on. This could be the wakeup call that he needs and the wisest piece of parenting you ever did.

Do not buy a new XBox!

Sounds good op.
Grounding him, and no Xbox, should work a treat.
Anymore attitude from him, and start confiscating phones, and other gadgets in due course.
Not too sure about getting him to volunteer at a women's centre. Maybe, volunteer elsewhere, I agree that they won't want a grumpy teen.

Good on you OP.
Many a good woman have been made feel disrespected throughout the years, whether it be by their significant others, family, children, strangers or indeed by other women.
What you showed your son here is that you won't be treated like shit by someone you've loved, homed, clothed, Fed, cherished, and respected yourself by someone on the verge of young adulthood.
Never mind cutting him some slack, cut yourself some. Many, many people would have done worse.
I suspect you'll get the silent treatment for about 3 days to which point he may well realise he was being an arse and finally want to talk.
I would get your husband to have a man to man with him, alone, so you and other kids may have to vacate the house while he does it, stating very clearly that no man should speak to a woman let alone their mother in any such manner.
Dont apologise and for what it's worth dont tell him he can have another one in a years time. It's an incentive. A reward. He doesn't need that.
A short sharp shock would do him the world of good.
When he comes to wanting to talk. Dont cry, even if he becomes really sweet. Acknowledge his apology, reiterate that any such behaviour as atrocious as this in the future will have similar consequences, then move on.
Dont let the rage fester, but similarly dont pretend like it never happened as he will take that as carte Blanche that it didn't.
He will forever know that underneath that calm exterior mum has, theres a strong woman who will break should she be pushed enough.
Good luck.

Oh and change your WiFi password.

As the mother of a soon to be 15 year old boy with an Xbox I stand and applaud you.

Oh I have loved this.
Just read your post to dd 16 and she has rolled about the floor.

OP - I think your plan for after school is perfect. I'm glad you are speaking to him separately before the family meeting. Nothing like feeling ganged up on for inducing a bit of teenage martyrdom.

Hats off to you. I am going to be a lot stricter with the Xbox here from now on. My dc are a few years off teenage years but already DS is rather too fond of it - although times etc are restricted and no online gaming.

FWIW I can see myself having done the same in that situation (after I reassembled my exploded head) although thinking about it the Xbox is next to a ground floor window with grass underneath so I don't think chucking it out would have had the same impact

Good luck this afternoon.

Well done OP.

The punishment sounds perfect too.

piprabbit - do you have teenagers? I see where you are coming from but I wonder if your opinion will change when you experience it from the other side.