14 year old son sending very sexually explicit messages to girl he has just met

[bargainmad]

who is also aged 14 - I found them when I was using his ipad and his facebook app popped up.

He met her on Saturday at the leisure complex near us and on Sunday it was - I knew you were desperate to suck me off etc etc and I hope you are wearing more appropriate clothing as we won't be able t o do much with that jumpsuit you were wearing etc etc.

We have had words tonight and I have told him this is not appropriate for a 14 year old. He says she is now his girlfriend like this should make any difference.

This is the first sign of any interest in girls and is very worrying. She did reply to his messages and say maybe we should just chill but this is just too much too son.

Maybe he feels he needs to act like this and it is expected of him?? I have told him it is not and the majority of 14 year old girls would not like to be "harrassed" like this sexually.

Am I right? This is all new to me - we did and still do have problems with our 17 year old but not girl related as I think he was put off for life when he got dumped by a girl at the age of nearly 15 and took it very badly.

Whenever anyone says think twice I'm reminded of that road safety film in the Young Ones: think once, think twice, think don't drive your car on the pavement.

OP has had plenty of advice

just not much of the "there there, it's not your fault" variety

Yeah, but I'm still suprised that nobody's said that snooping on your teenager's messages is not entirely right.

What sort of teens?

13?

or 16?

Are you SERIOUSLY saying there is no difference?

Imo my job as a parent is not to speculate over whether or not ds could sneakily access porn behind my back if he wanted to. (because the answer would almost certainly have to be, yes he could)

My job is to ensure that he knows what is an appropriate way of speaking to and about women and what is not.

It involves far more than sex education. You have already tried to make him see it from the girl's pov and pointed out that it would make her feel harrassed; this is the way you need to carry on. Point out to him that porn sites are very risky teachers; they won't help him to get on in the real world or have a good time with a real life girlfriend. He needs to listen to real, decent, reliable people and find out how they treat each other. How his mates who have happy and successful relationships do it. Word gets around- if you get the reputation of a perv it can take a long time to live down.

OP, you?re over-thinking this! Your son has badly overstepped some boundaries and he needs to understand two simple things. First, that he has no business ever sending texts about sexual things he wants to do to her or expects her to do to him, to someone who is under the age of consent. It?s against the law. It doesn?t matter so much why he did it ? teenagers do stupid things for all sorts of reasons ? but he has to stop. She could feel scared and show her parents who could contact his school or the police. OK they probably wouldn?t but it?s a risk. And he needs some consequences to underline the danger. I would take his iPad and phone off him for a time and supervise his internet access until he can show he?s grown enough sense to use electronic media safely.

Second, that?s not the way to talk to a girl he likes. He may imagine it?s sexy and grownup and exciting but it isn?t. It's just creepy and offensive and scary. She sensibly told him to back off and really she was being kind not to tell him just what he could do to himself instead! If he doesn?t learn how to talk to girls he?ll be joining the Dumped at 14 and Never Got Another Girlfriend club.

Teenagers - arghhh!

I agree that the issues of misogyny, pressure and respect need to be dealt with. It doesn't have to be a scary conversation!

Because we live in such a highly sexualised society, young men are growing up with a distorted view of women and sex. What with the Internet and how women are portrayed in the media etc etc.

I don't think it's ever too early to discuss with young men their responsibilities and the unequal nature of gender.

(but I would say that, being a gender theorist )