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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old son sending very sexually explicit messages to girl he has just met

132 replies

bargainmad · 19/09/2012 19:15

who is also aged 14 - I found them when I was using his ipad and his facebook app popped up.

He met her on Saturday at the leisure complex near us and on Sunday it was - I knew you were desperate to suck me off etc etc and I hope you are wearing more appropriate clothing as we won't be able t o do much with that jumpsuit you were wearing etc etc.

We have had words tonight and I have told him this is not appropriate for a 14 year old. He says she is now his girlfriend like this should make any difference.

This is the first sign of any interest in girls and is very worrying. She did reply to his messages and say maybe we should just chill but this is just too much too son.

Maybe he feels he needs to act like this and it is expected of him?? I have told him it is not and the majority of 14 year old girls would not like to be "harrassed" like this sexually.

Am I right? This is all new to me - we did and still do have problems with our 17 year old but not girl related as I think he was put off for life when he got dumped by a girl at the age of nearly 15 and took it very badly.

OP posts:
MrsjREwing · 19/09/2012 21:21

I tell my dd's all men think like that, what happens is most men realise there are social implications to being so obvious.

OP, you either get past the embarisment and talk regularly or stick your head in the sand.

I think there are a lot of ignorant parents out there not close to their kids from what I see on fb, twitter, blackberry etc.

Lambethlil · 19/09/2012 21:23

I'm glad you're horrified. But look through your posts. It's all about other influences, sexualised society, girls sexting, 10 year olds phoning sex lines, etc.
You've not mentioned anything that you've done to counter this.

LapsedPacifist · 19/09/2012 21:28

OP, if your son REALLY believes that any woman - and particularly a young teenage girl is "desperate to suck him or any other bloke on the planet off" then he's going to be a seriously crap lover.

Perhaps you could tell him this. Perhaps you could explain that women don't get sexually aroused at the thought of giving blow jobs and find the idea laughable. Tell him that porn he has been watching is just acting. The women are getting PAID to pretend they are enjoying themselves. It's not 'real sex' any more than the cast of 'Eastenders' are "really angry" or "really scared".

I have terribly terribly blunt with my teen boy about these issues and I started having these conversations before he hit puberty, particularly interested and/or embarasssed about the subject. I asked DS (now 16, all boys school etc) what he thought about your son's behaviour. His verdict?

"Fucking weird".

AnyFucker · 19/09/2012 21:30

That's because Op has been simply a bystander to her son's use of porn

He is now 14

How long has she been "checking the history", finding porn (but only sometimes...) and not intervening ?

That's a pretty scary thought

MrsjREwing · 19/09/2012 21:30

It is rife in Y7 now a days, my dd's school is outstanding, porn is everywhere. At school on school computers with max protection the boys find ways to access porn. Dd told me they were playing a game, for every pint a woman removes an item of clothing in class when teacher was at other end of the room helping other pupils.

Lambethlil · 19/09/2012 21:31

Thank you lapsed, for your post, and for talking to your son.

Original poster
bargainmad · 19/09/2012 21:31

Lambethlil - are you trying to suggest I have done something to make him like this? - I have seen a few messages so far - never seen anything to indicate he was disrespectful of girls until now, today.

How old are your teenage boys?

OP posts:
BillyBollyBandy · 19/09/2012 21:31

You need to go back to basics and talk about respect for women, respect for himself, and respect for his "girlfriend" who is telling him to chill out.

Pumpster · 19/09/2012 21:32

You do know history can be deleted right?

Chubfuddler · 19/09/2012 21:32

It's not just for the sake of others that this stuff matters. I genuinely believe the porn industry is damaging to men, particularly young men. If your son is going to form happy, mutually satisfying relationships he needs to have a few illusions shattered.

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 19/09/2012 21:33

OP, I have always had very open discussions about sex and relationships with both of my DSs. Right from the very early days up until now, when they are in their early twenties. Now they come to me occasionally for advice.

I am very pleased and proud that both of them have a fantastic attitude towards women in general and their own girlfriends.

AllPastYears · 19/09/2012 21:34

Ask him how he'd feel if he received a message like that from another boy. (I'm guessing he'd be horrified.) Tell him that's how his ex(?) girlfriend felt when she saw his message. Not intending to be homophobic here, just to give him an idea of how she probably felt at his unwanted suggestions.

14 year olds mostly just want to be romanced, maybe kissed, and to have a bit of fun. They don't want to be grossed out by references to private parts!

Chubfuddler · 19/09/2012 21:35

Oh here we go. The typical" you don't have teenagers so you don't know what you're talking about" response.

I used to be a teenager. Probably a lot more recently than you.

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 19/09/2012 21:36

Oh and I have also made it very clear to them that I abhore porn. Of course, they will have their own views, but they are in no doubt about both my and DHs attitude.

LapsedPacifist · 19/09/2012 21:40

Most 14 year old girls of my acquaintance would have been secretly mortified beyond belief at receiving a message like that from a boy they were genuinely interested in. Most of them would probably have laughed it off on the surface - sadly sexting isn't that unusual - but they would still tell all their friends and word would get around bloody fast. It's just massively disrespectful.

Lambethlil · 19/09/2012 21:41

That's exactly what I'm suggesting.
Maybe my son would send a text like this, but if he did it would be in the context of a dialogue that's been going on since he was a toddler about respect, boundaries and more recently porn.
He would also know that I would go so batshitcrazy that he wouldn't then dare ask for a lift. The fact that your son did suggests that he either doesn't know what you feel about his attitudes to women or doesn't care.

Chubfuddler · 19/09/2012 21:43

Yes I'm a bit mystified by your sons response. Wasn't he absolutely prostrate with embarrassment? If not why not?

Shakey1500 · 19/09/2012 21:43

Hang on...I was a poster up there ^^ who was shocked. You say "Some people on hear sound like they can't believe these things happen - do they not read the papers or do the papers exaggerate everything for the sake of a story."

Yet in your original OP you say Am I right? This is all new to me

Confused
MrsjREwing · 19/09/2012 21:44

I agree, it will be passed around that your ds is disgusting, some girls will run, others will flock to your ds and next thing you will be Grannny.

harbingerofdoom · 19/09/2012 21:45

As I mentioned upthread;oyu never talked about sex,just gave him a book. So all his sex education is coming from his mates. NONE from his mother.

Are you so brow beaten that you didn't talk to your DS2?

Why hasn't DH stepped in?

Silly question

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 19/09/2012 21:46

So we're all cool with snooping on his messages?

MrsjREwing · 19/09/2012 21:48

I would lay money on your ds having got porn off your dh, are you able to talk to your dh about this?

ginmakesitallok · 19/09/2012 21:49

This just reminds me of my Mum and I finding a porn mag under my DTBs mattress when he was about the same age as your DS. I have absolutely NO idea how she handled it - but just to reassure you that he turned out OK!

AnyFucker · 19/09/2012 21:49

yep, Nit

it's just as well really

Op now has the chance to rein him in before some young girl's dad punches his lights out, and he becomes the laughing stock of the school

every cloud...

MrsjREwing · 19/09/2012 21:50

Hell yes I snoop in my kids devices, that was part of them being allowed in the first place. They are minors.