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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS 19 doesn't get why he needs a job

59 replies

GerardWay · 01/07/2012 21:46

DS, 19yrs old, has always been lazy. He has a very high IQ but no decent qualifications as he is so lazy. He went for an interview today at Burger King and said it only lasted 2 minutes, the interviewer didn't know what they were doing and DS is sure he won't get the job as he is too intelligent for the job Hmm. Anyway when he came home we discussed the fact that if he goes on JSA (DS's idea not ours) he will have to hand over 95% of it to pay for his keep. He stormed off to his room whilst shouting at us.

I really don't know what to do with him. My DH and myself have our own business and DS has always seen his Dad working hard. DS seems to thinks that he can soon get £55 'ish a week from the government to spend on himself. Hmm We have a DD (14) and she is desperate to work.

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BettySuarez · 01/07/2012 22:01

The fact that he has worked out his benefit entitlement already raises a massive reg flag and would indicate that he has it easy at home.

It may now be time for tough love.

Do you give him money for clothes, cinema, transport etc?

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/07/2012 22:03

You are doing the right thing - charge him rent and expenses. If he's not happy to pay then he needs to find somewhere else to live. Make him a lodger - do not buy him anything he doesn't pay you for. He will soon realise that £55 a week is not something to aspire to.

as for being intelligent, does he really think he is better than the people flipping burgers for an honest wage? Intelligence is nothing if it is not applied.

It sounds like he needs a wake up call then hopefully he will take his life a bit more seriously

BettySuarez · 01/07/2012 22:03

Going to watch this thread with interest by the way as not a million miles away with our DC's Grin

Chubfuddler · 01/07/2012 22:06

Did you ever give him any inkling in all the years he has, in your words, always been lazy that this is where laziness would land him? Getting rejected by burger king? Does he have any concept of the idea that money doesn't grow on trees?

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/07/2012 22:09

It sounds like he has no idea about the value of money. Does he really think he'll be living it up on £55 a week?

he needs the sharp shock

and please don't give him a job in your business!!!

Original poster
GerardWay · 01/07/2012 22:13

He has never been spoiled although I know that means different things to different families. Now he has left college he is fed and that is it. No bus fare's paid for, no £5 for the odd night out. He has always has a sense of entitlement for some reason.

I couldn't believe he was so rude about the man that interviewed him. The man had a job/career and is taking home a few thousand pounds a year yet my DS thinks he is better than him. Hmm

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Original poster
GerardWay · 01/07/2012 22:21

Oh, he is after a job in our business and has been for a couple of years. There is no job with us and even if there was we wouldn't employ him.

He needs to get out there and stand on his own 2 feet. Sadly, he really doesn't want to.

He got stroppy tonight about making his own dinner and said if he gets JSA and has to give it to us he'd expect better treatment Shock. I told him in no uncertain times that he should start looking at moving out and the costs involved.

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EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/07/2012 22:22

What does he do all day?

MissPricklePants · 01/07/2012 22:25

I work for a fast food place. I have a postgrad degree and many of my work mates are university educated. It was the only job I could get and thats with 4 years at uni. My brother is a similar age and can't see why he needs a job either. Its very frustrating for my parents and he won't come work with me as he feels above it. Yeah the money can be rubbish but its better than nothing. I have no advice really as my dd is only 3 but hope you get through to him and he gets a job!

Beamur · 01/07/2012 22:28

I reckon with that attitude you'd be better off charging him rent only and saying he needs to buy and cook his own food/do his own laundry/buy his own clothes/toiletries etc if you want to shock him into a more realistic attitude to work & money. Or suggest instead of rent that he 'pays' in kind with x hours work in the house a day - cleaning and so on.
If you take his JSA in return for cooking etc, he is going to be a complete PITA and use it against you expecting better treatment eh?

Earlybird · 01/07/2012 22:29

What are his friends doing?

Does he have any long term dreams and/or aspirations?

Has he ever been employed?

Original poster
GerardWay · 01/07/2012 22:29

He only finished college a week ago so not much. I will be taking him to the job centre tomorrow to look at jobs. I'm only taking him to make sure that he is applying for jobs ~sighs~.

He will be dragged into helping with our business and helping around the house but dragged and loads of arguments will be involved. He should be a politician!

And Minecraft etc is the other answer to your question.

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Shakey1500 · 01/07/2012 22:34

I like Beamur's suggestion. Could you take say, £30 off him for rent and let him fend for himself for everything else?

Original poster
GerardWay · 01/07/2012 22:34

Yes he has been employed for weekend work, flipping burgers at a small football stadium.

I think his aspirations are for me and my DH to hand our business over to him on a plate. he forgets that he has a DS in this plan

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EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/07/2012 22:34

do not have him working in your business - that way madness truly lies!

Just work out exactly what he costs you - rent, food, gas, electric, everything - present him with an itemised bill

when you say he has just finished college - is that a levels?

It's great that your DD has a work ethic but you need to bear in mind that she will be watching what happens with your son and you don't want her to think he's getting an easy life. She may just wonder why she should bother

thegirlwithnoname · 01/07/2012 22:35

It's hard when your children feel like that, yet you have always had to work hard for everything you have had (and given them).
Do you think that there is any other courses or even apprenticeships he could go for?

Original poster
GerardWay · 01/07/2012 22:36

His DS is a sister. Grin

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shrimponastick · 01/07/2012 22:37

Well, he is in for a shock when you do get tough with him.

I left home at 18 and worked all kinds of low paid, hard physical labour jobs. But I wanted to be independent and pay my own way.

I hope that my DS and the DSSs realise that when they get past the age of 16/17 they are going to have to start fending for themselves.

It is more difficult nowadays to afford to live away from home - rents are a lot higher as is the general cost of living - so I guess that we will see more of our kids living in the home.

My first job at 17 I took home £40.. My mother asked for £10 which wasn't bad really.

Good luck with him. Be firm!!!

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/07/2012 22:38

xpost

I would make very clear to him that your business is your retirement plan and you intend to sell it as a going concern once you need the funds

the expression is 'money is made and lost within 3 generations'

the first generation bust a gut building the business, the second runs it down and then the third squander the remaining funds and are left in a precarious financial position

Also, how does he feel qualified to take over your business - it sounds like your DD is going to be a better fit for that role!

He's still young enough to turn this round. He just needs his lightbulb moment

Original poster
GerardWay · 01/07/2012 22:49

Our DD see's and hears what's happening with her brother. I have made it VERY clear to DH that we cannot give DS part of our business as that will be unfair on DD who works hard at school.

A friend asked a couple of years ago what would happen with the business if me and DH died in a crash. DS wouldn't have a clue what to do. He'd be sat on tens of thousands of pounds worth of stock and wouldn't know how to sell it or re-order when it sold.

The business would be left to both children.

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Chubfuddler · 01/07/2012 22:52

How had he been brought up so clueless? That's what I don't understand. At five our ds knows we only have nice stuff because mummy and daddy have worked for it.

Earlybird · 01/07/2012 22:52

What did he study at school?

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/07/2012 22:56

It's very hard. Have you considered leaving the company in trust? Obviously this is a worst case scenario anyway!

Anyway, I won't comment further on the family business side as you sound like you have a good idea of how that should be handled.

As for his laziness, it is very hard to stop it. Do you know anyone who is similar but older? Maybe having a Christmas Carol moment may help!

creativepebble · 01/07/2012 23:02

He sounds like someone I knew very well... Wink
Tough Love is the only answer. Give him a deadline of a month or so then present him with your expectations now he is an adult. He will probably rebel against it all and may still expect the world on a plate and think he's above certain jobs, but he will soon get the message. Stand firm!

Original poster
GerardWay · 01/07/2012 23:06

Chub he's not clueless he's lazy. My DH works long hours and I help in our own business that we started. So, yes he should understand. He doesn't but our DD does. DS feel entitled to a free ride for some reason.

We have worked hard all our lives to have what we have and DS has seen this.

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