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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS 19 doesn't get why he needs a job

59 replies

GerardWay · 01/07/2012 21:46

DS, 19yrs old, has always been lazy. He has a very high IQ but no decent qualifications as he is so lazy. He went for an interview today at Burger King and said it only lasted 2 minutes, the interviewer didn't know what they were doing and DS is sure he won't get the job as he is too intelligent for the job Hmm. Anyway when he came home we discussed the fact that if he goes on JSA (DS's idea not ours) he will have to hand over 95% of it to pay for his keep. He stormed off to his room whilst shouting at us.

I really don't know what to do with him. My DH and myself have our own business and DS has always seen his Dad working hard. DS seems to thinks that he can soon get £55 'ish a week from the government to spend on himself. Hmm We have a DD (14) and she is desperate to work.

OP posts:
EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/07/2012 23:08

What does he say when you challenge him on this?

joanofarchitrave · 01/07/2012 23:11

Hmm chubfuddler my wild guess would be that children change quite a lot between 5 and 19...

I blame the media Grin as most newspapers/phone-ins give the impression that getting £25K a year in benefits is pretty much automatic.

The only thing I would say is - hang fire a little bit. He finished college a week ago and he's already been for one interview - IMO that's actually quite a good start. It must have been a nasty shock for it to be so short. You've given a strong message re JSA, good for you. Bide a wee.

Original poster
GerardWay · 01/07/2012 23:13

You have a business, you have 2 houses blah, blah, blah. Your a crap Mum. The other house is a rental property - not a second home. We have told him that it's our pension for the future.

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joanofarchitrave · 01/07/2012 23:16

In actual fact, it sounds like reality is all hitting home very, very fast. He's looking at what you have achieved and feeling utterly unprepared to make his own way on anything like the same scale of success. He's been for an interview which lasted barely enough time to sit down, in a place where he clearly was expecting to pick his role! No need for sympathy or to change your mind re rent etc, but I really do think that given a little time, he will find his way.

flow4 · 01/07/2012 23:18

Sounds horribly familiar. Hmm
My son told me recently that the only reason I was 'having a go' at him for dossing not having a job was because I'm 'jealous'. Apparently, I could have an easy life too, if I just 'packed in that job and lived off the state' Shock

WingingItBadly · 01/07/2012 23:21

Tough love certainly, but give him a way out - a forward way out.

My DB was the same after leaving college - not lazy just lacking confidence and feeling inadequate compared with the rest of us. young men are notoriously insecure.

Be tough and cut thru the bullshit bravado

Original poster
GerardWay · 01/07/2012 23:24

I just want him to get a job. His is so intelligent and I know he will work his way up the ladder very quickly If he can be bothered to get a job. I have told him this over and over again but he doesn't seem to get it. You may be right joanofarchitrave.

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EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/07/2012 23:27

"as an intelligent boy I would have thought you would have figured out that we have a business and 2 houses because we work bloody hard and don't sit on our arses all day expecting hand outs from other people" - tempting to say it but I know as a mother it is so hard!

Agree with creative - tough love!! Good luck!

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/07/2012 23:28

And I agree with joan - he will find his way - he's just going to be a bit tougher than your DD

joanofarchitrave · 01/07/2012 23:32

Life seems so short at that age. It seemed like a few minutes until it would all be over, and as if I had to do it all immediately. Terrifying. I had no idea where to begin.

TBH your best ally is probably either a bossy girlfriend (anything on the horizon?) or a mate of his who will suddenly appear in the pub having got a good job, spraying money around.

No need to give him a job yourself, but how about a little indirect nepotism? Does he have godparents or aunts/uncles who could stand to have someone do something entry-level, at least for the summer? He's MUCH more likely to work hard for them, I'm afraid.

Original poster
GerardWay · 01/07/2012 23:33

Thankyou all for your help. I'm hope I'm not back here in the next month but I wouldn't bet on it. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
GerardWay · 01/07/2012 23:40

He will get bits and pieces of work with friends that have their own business over the summer.

It doesn't help that almost everyone we spend lots of time with have their own business or work from home.

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sashh · 02/07/2012 02:53

Divide your monthly bills by 4 and present him with the bill. It will probably be more than JSA. Don't forget to include toiletries and food.

If he can't pay his 25% then he has to hand over all his JSA - infact you can get it paid into your bank account.

iknowwho · 02/07/2012 09:13

My DS is nearly 16 and has just left school (unofficialy exams finished, doesnt' have to go back)
He is desperate to work and is knocking on doors handing in his CV.

DH has his own buisness. - I work for the local authority.
Can I ask you, have you ever got him involved in the buisness?

For years DS would get up on Saturday and Sunday mornings and go to work with his dad. He would help with the stock and meet customers. To be fair we didn't ask him to -it's something that he has just done.
I believe this has been a big motivational thng about wanting to look for work.
He has seen us all get up every morning (like you) and he has been part of what happens.
He has been able to take calls when people ring us at home and has even made a few sales.

Are you able to take him to work with you or get him involved. I do understand that will involve a degree of motivation from him though. At least it will give him something to write on his CV.

Hope it goes well for you and it is just a phase he is going through (mind you I've been saying that since mine were toddlers!)

IloveJudgeJudy · 02/07/2012 23:02

DS1 has always had a job, but even he was surprised when I said that if he left school and did/did not get a job, he would have to pay keep. He thought he'd be able to live here for free! He's never had a sense of entitlement, but just hadn't thought about things after he left education.

GerardWay I hope that your DS gets a job and that you all come to an understanding.

iknowwho · 02/07/2012 23:48

When we had the talk about money and stuff a few years ago and DS1 was asking how current accouts worked I explained about Direct debits and standing orders and said things like, once your wage goes into your bank account you can set up an order so that your housekeep will be transfered straight into my bank account each month then we are not messing about waiting for cash.
That way he has always known that he is expected to contribute so it is not a shock now.

Original poster
GerardWay · 04/07/2012 22:33

Yes, DS has worked with us for years due to one of our businesses being child orientated. He has always spoken to our customers and when he was small he got them to sign forms whilst playing with their childrens toys.

He can answer the phone in a business like manner and take orders over the phone including credit card orders.

We have given him a good grounding work wise and he has been studying A level business studies, economics etc.

Anyway he now has another interview in the hospitality sector on Friday.......fingers crossed Grin

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SecondhandRose · 05/07/2012 10:00

If it is any help, I have one of these too. He is currently on work experience at a City bank but reckons he is getting a shop job to pay his way. I have said we would rather he do work experience and we will give him what he needs as he wants to go into banking not a career behind the counter at Boots.

He can earn a minimum of £15 a week pocket money but it is all far too much effort so he gets nothing. He spends all hours on the computer and has a sponsorship deal, they are paying him small amounts and he gets by on supplements from his Nana.

Work experience ends tomorrow so he will be at home now until the beginning of September when he starts year 13. Apparently he has lots of course work to do. That will probably be all the work not done since September.

Fizzylemonade · 08/07/2012 20:15

My best friends step daughter just sat on her arse all day watching tv, eating everything from the kitchen and did no chores to help out. She was 19.

They took her key off her and kicked her out of the house every morning when they left for work, she had little money to entertain herself and all her friends were working. She was allowed back in at 5pm.

She got bored very quickly and got off her arse and found a job. It was a harsh lesson to learn but it forced her to do something about her situation.

My own two boys are 9 and 6 so I honestly don't know how I would feel about doing that but both of mine help out a lot around the house now, some voluntary and some forced Grin Does your son do any housework to earn his keep so to speak?

I think you need to spell it out to your son that he cannot live at home forever, as clearly he isn't thinking long term.

Original poster
GerardWay · 10/07/2012 13:26

DS was invited back for a 2nd interview. He's going this Friday.

Admittedly I got the application form, filled it in and dragged him back with it.
Fingers crossed it all goes well.

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flow4 · 10/07/2012 14:34

Fizzy, taking a teen's key away and kicking them out of the house in the morning sounds like such an easy solution, but if it was, we'd all be doing it!

For me, this is the reality...

  • DS1 doesn't go to sleep until 4am, and is comatose at 7am. Alarms don't wake him, and if he doesn't actually want to get up, he won't set them anyway.
  • If I try to wake him at that time, it is generally impossible. Even if I briefly force him into consciousness, he is asleep again within seconds. This can be repeated dozens of times. He is always in a bad mood when he wakes, and is often verbally abusive. On two occasions, I tried to insist, and it escalated to physical violence that had me calling the police :(
  • Even if I can manage to get him calmly awake, he won't get out of bed unless there's something he wants to get up for.
  • Even if he gets out of bed, I can't get him out of the house unless he wants to go, or onto a bus, or into the car without his cooperation.
  • Towards the end of last term, there were a couple of times when he got up, took bus fare and lunch money, pretended to set off for college... and simply hung around until I had left for work, then went back to bed...
  • On a couple of other occasions, therefore, I insisted on driving him... And he undertook a complex deception, wherein he got up peacefully, got out of the house, allowed me to take him to college (a 40 min drive)... Then caught a bus back home and went back to bed...
  • When I have removed his key, he has simply hung around with 'mates'. Unfortunately, the only other young people around during the day are other layabouts disengaged young people who aren't in education, training or employment - so not the company I want him to keep. Being locked out means he's at a loose end all day (whereas it's only part of the day, if he stays in bed til 4pm Hmm ) - so he's bored - and boredom means he's much more likely to be stoned by the end of the day.
  • Locking him in the house doesn't seem safe or practical. He'd climb out the window and leave it open to get back in. If I locked the windows too, he'd fill the house with cigarette smoke, and probably burn it down sooner or later :(
  • There is a limit to how many times I can try all this, before I make myself late for work. I have been known to set my alarm half an hour earlier and spend the extra time just trying to get him out of bed. I have even been known to dedicating several hours to the task, on days off work. I suppose technically, I could pack in my job and dedicate my entire life to getting and keeping him out of bed, but I hear that raising kids on state benefits can bring other problems Hmm
Original poster
GerardWay · 10/07/2012 15:27

Shock Oh flow4, what a nightmare. It is so difficult as older teenagers/young adult males are bigger and stronger than us.

How old is your DS and is he still at college? even though the lazy bugger doesn't go

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flow4 · 10/07/2012 20:29

Not at the moment, Gerard. His course finished at the beginning of May, and the autumn term doesn't start again til September, so he is now about half way through 4 months - FOUR MONTHS - of dossing. Shock Jobs are very difficult for young people to get in our area, and since he doesn't really want one, he hasn't put much effort into it. Hmm His response to my nagging encouraging is to tell me "You're just jealous. You should pack in your job and live off the state, then you could stay in bed all day too!"!! Shock Hmm

Original poster
GerardWay · 10/07/2012 20:41

My DS isn't as bad as yours but I think the turning point came the other day was when we said that when he was eligible for JSA we would take it all off of him. He went off in a strop and then said he wouldn't claim so we had no money from him. Hmm We then told him that we didn't care if he claimed or not but if he worked he would pay less rent than if he was on benefits.

What's your DS studying flow4 ?

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foofooyeah · 11/07/2012 15:58

Oh this is oh so familiar. My DS19 only got E's after retaking his first year of AS as he is so lazy - he is bright enough to do well. Managed (well I managed as did most of app forms) to get a decent and quite well paid apprenticeship. At 6 month review was let go as not suited to job (ie: lazy and did not apply self). That was beginning of June - talked about going back to college but hasn't actually applied - works a few odd hours at easy job. Doesnt claim JSA as too bloddy lazy to sort it out and now doing some casual work.

I do like the idea of taking key off him and chucking him out but currently he is staying at his nans as we keep having a go at him - but nan now getting fed up of him too. (he has always been her golden boy up to now).

I cant believe what a lazy little bugger my son is - i have always worked - I just dont get it.