Feeling down - son arrested for burglary

[flow4]

That's about it, really. The police came and arrested him earlier this evening, and brought him back about an hour ago. 4 CID officers, two of whom charged up the stairs to his room without even stopping to say hello. I can't really even begin to describe how surreal it is: I'm a boring respectable middle-aged professional woman, and I simply can't get my head round having a son who has been arrested for burglary. :(

He even told me about the incident, but - and I know this sounds incredible - it just didn't cross my mind that it was burglary. He snuck into the house of a girl he used to be close friends with, when he was drunk/stoned, and stole her phone, then woke up the next morning and couldn't work out how to get it back to her, so kept it... Until her boyfriend heard about it and kicked the sh*t out of him and got it back. He was quite badly beaten, so obviously I asked questions - which is when I found out. But I didn't think of it as burglary - which it obviously is, now the police have pointed it out. I feel stupid.

I also feel like a terrible failure as a parent. He's largely beyond my control - certainly in practical terms - and if he's turning into a f*cking burglar, then I'm probably losing the moral 'battle' too :(

I'm disgusted with him to be honest. Which is upsetting. And I'm suffering from that exhausting yo-yo-ing of emotions: he's been reasonably pleasant and helpful recently - but every time I hope he's growing up/getting better, there's some other bit of sh*it behaviour...

He has been incredibly lucky. He has had an official reprimand, but isn't going to court. I have very mixed feelings about this: I know a criminal record is something to avoid, but a lecture and a bit of paper seems a bit of a lame response. I'd really like someone to put a rocket up his arse He needs to sort himself out, and I think we're past the point where I can help him very much: he's 17 - he needs to do it himself. I've told him that if he brings the police into my life again, I'll throw him out.

All in all a miserable evening :(

oh so sorry, xxxxxxxxx

sorry to hear about it
is he a regular user of drugs?

not the best parental response i know but - i'd press charges for assault on the boyfriend

Thanks, both :) My son seems to think he 'deserved it', Custardo, so wouldn't consider pressing charges. I don't even know who the guy is, and discovered years ago (when he was much younger and I did report a boy who punched him) that if the police think someone 'deserved it' too, nothing will happen...

happyA, it depends what you mean by 'regular'. From my point of view, he's using skunk and/or alcohol most days at the mo, so yes. From his point of view, he's using much less than other lads he hangs around with, so he thinks it's OK.

if you would ask any Alcoholic if he is one - he would tell you that he isn't as there are others who drink more, and he knows it....

I guess now it would be good time as any to perhaps nudge him to look at his life and decide if he wants to get out of it or dig himself deeper

I have younger kids 12 and 14 - but if it cam to a similar point I would drag them with me to volunteer at some homeless charity, or perhaps meet drug users with mental problems - not sure if that would help, but if confronting kids with reality like that isn't going to then nothing would

is he in education? what are his plans and aspirations?

where does he get money from to pay what he is taking?

Hi Flow, this is my first reply on here and I just wanted to sympathise...was in a similar situation a few years ago, 15yo son caught in the act with a friend, they were stealing money for drugs and were caught red handed, ds now 18 has robbery conviction and 12 months in YO behind him, in some ways prison was good for him, he saw a lot of a poverty and drug effects there and it certainly matured him, think he was better able to appreciate how good he has it, seems to have put him off harder drugs he used to tell me he was taking (when he wasn't), has been a relatively good kid since (relative to how he was previously). It is not how I would have chosen him to grow though and if I could I would erase his record, then again god knows what he'd be like now if he hadn't... I have to say, in some ways I'm glad he got the kick up the arse, but bloody hell it is hard and I would not wish it on any parent or child. The pain, the embarrassment, the loss...it's tough.

I'm afraid it's late and I've been up all night unable to sleep (thanks to the same kid. Some things never change) so my brain is not in full working order and I feel useless not being able to offer any properly constructive advice...but I can say I have been there and know something of what you feel, it is awful. You wonder how you got it so wrong when you thought you had it sussed and feel like the worst parents on earth (though having been to visit ds in prison, I can safely say you are not. I have seen them, and their children, v often seen their children and not them, it is so heartbreaking). I also know how you feel about the yo yo of emotions...son has been on relatively good behaviour the last 2 years, only been picked up by police for usual sorts of things, rowdy behaviour, drinking, on the whole he has been a great improvement on his previous self and he is much more mature than his twin brother since prison, he is very like me in a lot of ways and we were starting to really have an adult relationship, he is very intelligent and clever, sitting his a levels next year and I have been so proud of his change and so hopeful for his future when I once despaired, and I have recently discovered some quite shocking things about him that have me despairing yet again...

anyway sorry if this seems a bit rambling and lacking in any truly constructive advice (maybe after some sleep and clear thinking I might have some??) I just wanted to sympathise and tell you you are not a terrible parent, you care, and that matters, I have seen children whose parents don't care and it is truly tragic. Although I would be wary of throwing him out. I know it's all you feel like doing, and god I know that feeling, but I would be wary...I never got the chance to get to that stage with mine and he was a bit younger, but there was a guy in YO with him who was kicked out by his mum when he was 16 (drug use) and he sustained himself with petty theft and dealing himself. I'm sorry, I don't mean to scaremonger or anything, not my intention at all, just to say that I really would be wary of doing something so drastic, I know they are older and bigger and you can't really control them but having seen a few kids who were put in that situation I always swore that whatever mine did (with a few exceptions) I would not put them in such a position. Sorry again for such a rambling post...head is a mess! Teenagers eh, who'd have em

Oh crackerjackie, that all sounds a bit grim. And yes, I am wary of throwing him out - that's exactly why I haven't done it so far, though I have been very close a couple of times. But there's a limit to what I can take emotionally (tho' it's always higher than I think ) and I have a younger son and a professional job which requires me to hold a 'clean' enhanced CRB check/certificate - so I just can't have criminal activities going on and CID officers stomping round my house :(

happyA, since your kids are younger, I guess you haven't yet reached the point where you can't 'drag' them anywhere... My son is 6 inches taller than me and considerably stronger and more stubborn... He has to agree to do something, or it simply doesn't happen.

I have been constantly going on and on and on at him for months 'nudging' him about his life and future. The latest instalment was after the police brought him home last night... His response was "I know... And I've just had a massive lecture from the police, so I don't need one from you too". Which didn't stop me...

One of the most frustrating things about my son is that he knows right from wrong, but is impulsive (especially when drunk/stoned) and lets himself behave badly, for reasons I can't quite get my head round... Perhaps when he's bored? Or angry? And because he's lazy and will take 'easy options' if they're presented to him (so I can never leave money lying around :( )

As for money, it varies. He's 17, so has access to various sources... He earns some from part-time casual jobs... He gets some by selling possessions and clothes (not many left to sell now)... He used to steal from me, but I have stopped that now. He has a large group of friends and acquaintances, and someone always has some cash, and booze and blow aren't expensive...

He doesn't know what he wants to do. He finished one course in May and college doesn't start again until Sept. He thinks he has loads of time to decide, and doesn't want to talk about it anyway. I have suggested everything I can think of, and took him to Connexions for advice... I can talk at him (and I do) but I can't force him to think if he doesn't want to. He's bright but lazy, and currently hasn't come to terms with the fact that if he wants a happy,fulfilled and rewarding life, he has to put some effort into it.

Maryz, it's all done and dusted with the police - there's no further action. He got a 'reprimand' - that's a warning, but not as serious as a 'final warning' - tho' he's had one of those already. I must say I'm slightly confused about why/how he can have been given a 'final warning' at Easter, but now get a less serious 'sanction'. I'm relieved on one level because a reprimand doesn't give him a criminal record and comes off his record when he turns 18 in 9 months; but on the other hand, it doesn't seem like enough, if you see what I mean. The shock value was limited, I'd say, though I didn't go to the police station with him, so I don't know exactly how heavy they were. The CID man who brought him back was very pleasant to me - and treated me/him as if he was a nice middle class boy who'd made a terrible mistake which was dealt with now - which I suppose he is in a way... But I do so worry about just how many 'terrible mistakes' he can make before he ruins his life or - worse - someone else's... :(

Oh Flow, what a shit situation . Just when you felt things were getting better. I haven't anything constructive to say, but I couldn't pass by and not offer my support. It's so easy to tell someone to step back and let a teen make their own mistakes, I'm not sure there is any alternative. But it is so difficult to do, and I'm not finding it any easier even if DD still isn't back home. you must be feeling emotionally wrung out. Thinking of you

Sorry to hear things aren't going well Flow. I haven't anything else to add except to say you aren't a failure as a parent some kids are just much harder work than others. Have an unmumsnetty [[[hug]]]

Thanks Brightpark and webwiz. I am a bit of a wreck this afternoon. Been out pottering and shopping with my younger son to distract myself (he doesn't know, thankfully, because he wasn't at home last night)... But the moment I got home and saw my older boy (he was just leaving the house) I went to pieces a bit, and ended up screaming into the cupboard as I unpacked, then sitting on the kitchen floor weeping, while my slightly bewildered son stroked my back and the dog tried to lick my face :(

You're a GREAT mum Flow - your love, concern and intelligence SHINE through your posts - in both good and bad times. If there was an easy solution you would have found it and done it. Your son is lucky to have you as a mum. Keep going and hugs xx

you are not a terrible parent, you care - that is the case - if you weren't you wouldn't be here asking for help

Ha, thank you both :) And you made me cry HighNoon - that's a lovely thing to say... :) Thankfully I also have a 12yo who is (generally) a thoughtful, delightful boy - otherwise I probably would think I was a terrible parent. As it is, I don't feel like it's my fault, but I do feel powerless and a bit despairing :(

More shit :(

I've been burgled tonight. Someone came in my house about 3am and stole our big widescreen TV. I'm pretty sure the door was locked, so that means they probably had a key. My sons weren't at home. (Good, as far as DS2 goes - he has enough to put up with already).

It was clear from the questions the police asked that they thought DS1 might be involved. Obviously. It crossed my mind too. :(

I got hold of him on his mobile phone and he was clearly drunk/stoned. He said he didn't want to come home. I wondered drugs? girl? He seemed shocked and outraged about the burglary (which gave me an opportunity to say "You know how we are feeling now? Well that is how your friend and her mum will have been feeling when you took her phone. That is why you should apologise"). He said he didn't want to talk to the police. I explained that if he didn't they would assume he was involved.

I asked him about his key, and it turns out he's 'lost' it when he was out this eve.

The police did a patrol and came back to see me. It seems my son has been taken in for questioning - but I'm not sure. They wouldn't quite tell me what was going on, and they wouldn't quite say that he'd been arrested, though they did say CID had 'talked to him'. They said they'd seen two lads nearby who had run away, and they and another patrol car had given chase. They also said they had made an arrest in connection with my burglary, but they wouldn't say who, and (tho I asked) they wouldn't say whether it was my son - which makes me think it was :(

To complicate matters, it turns out there has been a 'serious incident' in our area as well tonight, and there are police around because of that, and other investigations and arrests happening.

I may be totally fucking stupid and naive but my son did sound like he was genuinely shocked, and he was saying things like "When I find out who did this, I'll..." He also said he was with two friends all evening, so that means he'd have alibis... And the dog wouldn't have barked like that at him... So on balance I really really want to believe think at the moment it probably wasn't him. But oh my god - having to even consider the possibility that my own son might have burgled me :( :( And why did they tell me about the 'serious incident'? Was it just to explain why they were being called away, or were they suggesting my son might have been involved in that?

AaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaAAaaaaaaarrrrrgh! :(

I think it probably wasn't him, but I also suspect it was "friends" or aquantances of his. And it was probably nicked to sell for drugs.

I'm afraid he is going to have to move out and you need to change the locks if you want to prevent repeat burglaries (probably just after the insurance pays out, if it pays out).

How awful, flow. I'm sorry, but it sounds to me as if he gave his key to a friend and set up his own alibi.

The police have just phoned to say he is in custody in connection with the burglary. :( They haven't interviewed him yet and say it will be some time before they do, because he needs to sober up first.

mummy, I've come to the same conclusions about friends/acquaintances, locks, etc. I assume the insurance company won't pay out. Throwing him out is I think unavoidable if he is involved in this or something else criminal; but if he isn't, it's much more complicated, because there are no other options for him apart from rough sleeping/sofa surfing - which means a whole host of other bad knock-on effects :(

That certainly seems to be what the police think, staines... It just doesn't seem likely to me and I'm not just being a naive, hopeful mum - it's a step too far, and he's not a very good liar, and his outrage seemed genuine.

I hope so flow. Of course it's possible that one of his 'mates' has taken your key from him. Maybe this is the wake up call he needs? Ie realisation that the people he's spending time with aren't really his friends.

I cant offer advice but I just wanted to send you a big hug. So sorry to hear about your son's behaviour.

Tough... Yes, I have support in RL, tho' it's hard to talk about such dreadful things even to good friends. No, he has no adult male role model, and that is definitely part of the problem...

My son is similar and he has had a male role figure all his life. Hope you are getting sorted flow.