Feeling down - son arrested for burglary

[flow4]

That's about it, really. The police came and arrested him earlier this evening, and brought him back about an hour ago. 4 CID officers, two of whom charged up the stairs to his room without even stopping to say hello. I can't really even begin to describe how surreal it is: I'm a boring respectable middle-aged professional woman, and I simply can't get my head round having a son who has been arrested for burglary. :(

He even told me about the incident, but - and I know this sounds incredible - it just didn't cross my mind that it was burglary. He snuck into the house of a girl he used to be close friends with, when he was drunk/stoned, and stole her phone, then woke up the next morning and couldn't work out how to get it back to her, so kept it... Until her boyfriend heard about it and kicked the sh*t out of him and got it back. He was quite badly beaten, so obviously I asked questions - which is when I found out. But I didn't think of it as burglary - which it obviously is, now the police have pointed it out. I feel stupid.

I also feel like a terrible failure as a parent. He's largely beyond my control - certainly in practical terms - and if he's turning into a f*cking burglar, then I'm probably losing the moral 'battle' too :(

I'm disgusted with him to be honest. Which is upsetting. And I'm suffering from that exhausting yo-yo-ing of emotions: he's been reasonably pleasant and helpful recently - but every time I hope he's growing up/getting better, there's some other bit of sh*it behaviour...

He has been incredibly lucky. He has had an official reprimand, but isn't going to court. I have very mixed feelings about this: I know a criminal record is something to avoid, but a lecture and a bit of paper seems a bit of a lame response. I'd really like someone to put a rocket up his arse He needs to sort himself out, and I think we're past the point where I can help him very much: he's 17 - he needs to do it himself. I've told him that if he brings the police into my life again, I'll throw him out.

All in all a miserable evening :(

Oh, odd... I did a long reply yesterday, including answering your question Maryz, about why I thought he hadn't come home... but it isn't in the thread. I guess I didn't actually click the button to post it - I didn't really know whether I was coming or going, yesterday.

Just an update... My son was released without charge last night. There was no evidence he'd been involved (and like I said, I don't believe he was). He was arrested because (a) the bobbies made (not unreasonable) assumptions based on the burglary he got a reprimanded for last weekend, (b) when they went to the address he'd given, it wasn't just him and the two mates he'd mentioned but a full-blown party with lots of drugs, (c) he was arsey with them, and (d) the 'serious incident' that was mentioned and happening simultaneously turned out to be a murder involving a guy I had named as a suspect for my burglary, and whom I suspect (tho I didn't mention this to the police) of being my son's dealer.

Maryz, (as I tried to post yesterday) my son didn't want to come home, or be interviewed by the police, because he was off his head, having consumed beer, vodka, skunk and m-cat. He knows I particularly hate the latter and can always smell it on him when he's taken it, and give him a very hard time about it :( The key he had 'lost' wasn't lost at all, but in his (empty) wallet, that he'd left unattended in another room of the house for several hours. So - although he insists none of his 'friends' would do that sort of thing - any one of the low life people at that party could have 'borrowed' his key and popped round to help themselves. Or someone he's let into the house when I've been at work could've stolen a key - I think I mentioned one went missing last week... Why on earth didn't I get the locks changed then? I feel we have both been a bit complacent.

I still don't have any solutions tho. For me, the biggest problem is the company he's keeping: he's associating with people who take drugs, doss about, have no aspirations, don't work or go to college, look for 'easy money' (selling things rather than working), steal things, play 'revenge games' ("he did this to me, so I'll do that"), resolve serious differences by kicking the shit out of each other, and (as of yesterday) get their drugs from a suspected murderer :( :( It's a culture that just isn't mine, and that I HATE. But if I throw him out, he will spend more and more time in it. I want to take him out of it, not push him further into it, but I don't know how :(

Flow - hope things are looking up today. Tough's comment "I always think of teens as big toddlers" is apt.

Many of us here go through one roller coaster after another with our older children. It's hell, it's exhausting, but I honestly believe that it's a tribute to us, as mothers, that we come on here. We give a dam and we support each other like no other group I've known does.

Are you changing the door locks? You and younger DS need to be safe. Is older DS getting help for drinking/drugs - does he recognise a problem here?

Thinking of you and crackerjackie - are you OK? Hope you've slept. xx

Welsh, yes, my locks were all changed by midday yesterday. And as a bonus, the friend who did it showed me how, so I can now do it easily myself if I ever need to again. But no, to date he doesn't see his drug taking as a problem. He doesn't see a connection between drug taking and bad behaviour, and the people he hangs around with do more drug taking than he does... His 'standards' are pretty low if you ask me :(

Maryz, I can't see the insurance company paying out... I can't see any way of saying "someone my son has associated with has stolen a key, then burgled us". I don't even know whether I can face trying. TBH I don't care much about the TV - I don't watch it much, and the boys both have their own sets - it's the sense of vulnerability that gets me most, and the idea that someone who has probably been in my house has abused my hospitality and trust and me so badly... I already regarded my son's 'friends' with some suspicion, but now I mistrust them all. I have introduced a "no friends in the house at all" ban, for now at least.

I have no idea what the next step is: CCTV pointing at my front door photographing anyone who comes to it? :(

Maybe the dealer of the scene will help flow . At least your son didn't do it so that's a positive.

I know - of course - you know this situation so much better than any of us can do but, thinking about your son's dealer, have you considered speaking to you police about your suspicions? Going for the dealer might be one way to go.

Anyway, thinking of you and your DSs.

Welsh, the dealer is currently in custody on suspicion of murder and attempted murder. He had only been out of prison a few months, so I suspect he won't ever be getting out again.

"It is very hard when you thoroughly dislike your own child but still have the love and protective feeling" < Nail, head, Tough.

Oh f*ck. Here's the icing on the cake. Just heard the BBM gossip round town is that my son was arrested for the MURDER. :( Total nonsense, as you lot already know. But it's not going to help his reputation, is it? :(

Just spoken to my son and got a bit more info. The two people arrested for suspicion of murder and attempted murder CAME TO THE PARTY HE WAS AT. So one lot of police came to the address (which he had given them) to talk to him about our burglary, and another lot of armed coppers came to arrest those t*ssers, and it all got muddled. Jeeeeeeesus. :(
He says no-one is speaking to him now.

Bloody hell... Anyone else got any good police stories? They do help (so thanks Maryz!)... But I can't seem to find my sense of humour just yet...

Unfortunately, the only people who are still speaking to my son are the ones who were also at the party, cos they witnessed what happened. So, precisely the other kids who are associating with suspected murderers. :( Tough, he is shocked, but not shocked enough imo. He is basically saying "OK, so my judgement about X was shit, but Y and Z are fine - they're not murderers". I have pointed out to him that he should have objections to a whole lot of bad behaviour short of actual murder. But yes, I agree it could help longer term.

I feel very sorry for my younger son, who will tomorrow presumably be dealing with a whole load of gossip along the lines of "I hear your brother killed someone" :(

Look I don't know if this is relevant or helpful, but... My elder brother was in trouble all through his teens. Serious stuff. He was eventually sectioned and his life has involved long spells in secure institutions etc. sometimes prison (depending on what they decide). Lots of grief for my parents and me... And an unhappy life for him. Of course this is nothing like your son's situation but I want to say that ANY parent who does their best and loves their children (as flawed and human as we all are) should not blame themselves or feel responsible when their children make a hash of things. My family are middle class, professional, ordinary.... My younger brother and I have done well, for want of a better expression. Ultimately DB 1 had the same star in life as we did. Don't be hard on yourself. You have been there for him, male role model or not, and a good mother is worth so much.

When my elder brother was in the park one day, as a child, with my father, a lady said to him (my Dad) "watch that one" (indicating my brother), "he's trouble. Nasty piece of work".

Dad said "I know, dear. He's mine."

A sense of humour sometimes gets us through doesn't it!

I have only just seen this flow4. You have had a really awful time. My DH and his brother were both brought up the same and my DH never got into any trouble and has worked hard all his life. BIL got into drugs as a teenager, continued as an adult and is unemployed.

You've been a great Mum and none of this is your fault. How have things been this week?

Flow
hope your week has been better
thought this may be useful, though there are many conflicting views on the web about what may happen with the reprimand
"An awful lot of young people are told by the police when they are given a reprimand or caution 'Don't worry about it, it will be off your record in two, three or five years, or when you reach 18 or 21' - none of which is true.

Thanks Gerard and Loshad. It has been a truly terrible week. Probably the worst ever. Tonight lots of local teenagers - including my son - were involved in a big fight that exploded out of a bit of name-calling... I think they are all so wired after last weekend's murder that it was just waiting to happen. My son came home, smashed up some fruit and a plate, then spent 20 mins sobbing and sobbing :( It's so hard when you can't just kiss it all better for them...

I'm so sorry things are getting worse flow. I don't have any advice as I haven't been in your situation thank God. I am thinking of you though and will keep popping back to this if you want to talk.

How's your DS2 coping with it all?

Thanks Gerard. DS2 is ok. I'm doing that mummy thing of re-framing stuff in a less scary way... But more importantly, he is a mature, self-confident individual... Wiser than his bro, and sometimes wiser than me too. When I spoke to him about the nastier bits of gossip that were going around (I didn't want him to hear rumours at school before I'd fore-warned him) he just raised an eyebrow and demonstrated his most withering look! And yesterday after apples and melon had been splattered and DS1 was sobbing in a corner, he patted him, then joked about the 'fruit massacre' while he helped clear up. He also has his dad's to escape to, if things ever get too much...

DS2 sounds like a wonderful boy. I assume DS1's dad isn't around to pack him off to for the summer?

You assume right. DS1's dad left the country about 5 years ago when the CSA finally caught up with him. :(

DS2 is great, for which I am thankful. If I only had DS1, I think I would by now assume I had messed up motherhood badly.