Feeling down - son arrested for burglary

[flow4]

That's about it, really. The police came and arrested him earlier this evening, and brought him back about an hour ago. 4 CID officers, two of whom charged up the stairs to his room without even stopping to say hello. I can't really even begin to describe how surreal it is: I'm a boring respectable middle-aged professional woman, and I simply can't get my head round having a son who has been arrested for burglary. :(

He even told me about the incident, but - and I know this sounds incredible - it just didn't cross my mind that it was burglary. He snuck into the house of a girl he used to be close friends with, when he was drunk/stoned, and stole her phone, then woke up the next morning and couldn't work out how to get it back to her, so kept it... Until her boyfriend heard about it and kicked the sh*t out of him and got it back. He was quite badly beaten, so obviously I asked questions - which is when I found out. But I didn't think of it as burglary - which it obviously is, now the police have pointed it out. I feel stupid.

I also feel like a terrible failure as a parent. He's largely beyond my control - certainly in practical terms - and if he's turning into a f*cking burglar, then I'm probably losing the moral 'battle' too :(

I'm disgusted with him to be honest. Which is upsetting. And I'm suffering from that exhausting yo-yo-ing of emotions: he's been reasonably pleasant and helpful recently - but every time I hope he's growing up/getting better, there's some other bit of sh*it behaviour...

He has been incredibly lucky. He has had an official reprimand, but isn't going to court. I have very mixed feelings about this: I know a criminal record is something to avoid, but a lecture and a bit of paper seems a bit of a lame response. I'd really like someone to put a rocket up his arse He needs to sort himself out, and I think we're past the point where I can help him very much: he's 17 - he needs to do it himself. I've told him that if he brings the police into my life again, I'll throw him out.

All in all a miserable evening :(

Thanks for the info irate I will ring the youth offending service. The police told me they could not help with any thing like that.

No, he's not in college or work at the mo Green... But part of this evening's convo was about this... He has decided (he thinks) that he wants to work and earn money, and he doesn't really care what he does; BUT rather than pack in college and look for a job (a risky strategy for a poorly-qualified inexperienced 17yo boy in a recession!), he will go to college and only pack it in if he finds a job he wants to do. Which is a sensible plan, and means his next step it to apply for something, pdq.

Looks like that's number one of the three nags important topics for me to focus on, Maryz.

That's brilliant flow at least he is talking and has some aim in life. Now he just needs a girlfriend,:)

It seems that it's difficult say anything to teenagers at the best of times is misconstrued. Any attempt at discussion about college/ job is taken as nagging, trying to talk about alcohol/ drugs is overreacting ( even when DD is wandering back at night on her own pissed -apparently its OK in a leafy middle clas area ). Even offering to buy DD clothes is taken as an insult to what she is wearing.
Communicating with teenagers is hard enough at the best of times is hard enough, but when they are having problems (and bringing them to your door) it seems almost impossible. I am finding it easier to not initiate conversation but to wait for DD to start talking... and it seems to work, she tells me more than if I try to say anything. Are you going to try and go away this summer? Maybe a break for all of you might give a bit of space and distance from all the shit that's happening. Here's hoping for a nights sleep!

I had a less positive experience with the YOT. They offered mediation between me and my son, which I was keen to accept, but he (predictably) was not. He also failed to go to his 2nd, voluntary, drugs counselling session. They called a couple of times to ask me if I could get him to go, and when I couldn't, the 'parent support worker' called me to tell me they couldn't make him and there wasn't anything else they could offer. I didn't feel very supported :(

This is good tho'... I'm feeling less isolated and leprous. Thank you all for sharing your experiences :)

Green, I hope the 'aim in life' is still three in the morning!

Maryz, I know exactly what you mean about needing a break from them to cope. I have coped a whole lot less well since he effectively stopped going to college in March :(

Brightspark, I'm hoping we'll all get away within the UK for a week... He has said yes...

Well here's hoping holiday will happen

He's in. At time promised. :)

One of the hardest things about breaking away from drugs and alcohol, once over the physical withdrawal, can be that it means suddenly having no friends because all your friends are still a part of that world. If there is anything your boy can do to start to make new friends outside of this world, it could help him break away.

If I have understood correctly, his father doesn't give a toss about him while his half brother has a father who cares? That must be really hard for him and he is likely to feel sensitive to rejection and very much not want to lose his friendship group?

Meanwhile, can you get some support for yourself from an organisation such as al-anon or the narcotics equivalent? Your DS2 might want to now about Alateen.

Yes you have understood correctly, Euro, and yes it has been hard for him. :( And still is imo, tho he now says he "couldn't give a sh*t". His sensitivity to rejection means not only that he does not want to lose friends, but also that he does not often or easily put himself in situations where he would/could make new ones - he avoids new activities and new places. Many of the lads he hangs around with now he has known since infants; almost all of the rest he has known since he started high school.

Interestingly, last night and today he has been hanging out with the big bro of one of his peers - a decent-seeming lad who is 20, works full-time and has a car. It makes me wonder whether he could have provided my son with a healthy touch of and :) ... and helped give him a better attitude this evening...

That's really good news I think who they hang around with us a big thing my son is not allowed to see his friend who got arrested also, he has now gone back to playing football and us mixing with a younger crowd he us so much better, fingers crossed things will get better.

Must go now and wake my son who has some casual work today that will be like waking the dead he is such a job to wake up.

Flow - I hate to ask - but is it possible that your DS burgled you? It's a terrible thought but there is a tiny bit of comfort knowing that you might not be in for a repeat. That worry about it happening again must be awful.

I hope you don't mind me suggesting it but I have had three friends whose teenage kids have done precisely that to fund their drug habit.

I wish I had some practical suggestions for you but I have no experience of this first hand, so I'll leave that to those who can offer the voice of experience. Wishing you the best of luck though.

x

iM, no I don't mind you asking; but if you read the thread, you'll see it has already been discussed... I'm about 95% sure he had nothing to do with it.

Hope you got him up ok, Green :)

Yes thanks he has gone ,,, I am sure you son did not burgle you flow he was questioned by the police anyway I am sure they would have found it if he did. I reckon it was one of his friends.

Is moving an option?

Not an easy one, Mother, though it has been in my head a lot recently. I have lived in this house for more than 20 years, and both my boys were born and raised here. It would be good to get a fresh start for DS1, but it would mean cutting me off from my support network of friends - and frankly, I don't think I'd've survived the past year without them. But more importantly, it would mean uprooting DS2 from his school, friends and father. His dad lives within half a mile and they have a close relationship, and see each other several times a week, and he does not drive, so it would cause big problems. It feels like I would be messing with DS2's life, and mine, in a serious way if we moved for the sake of DS1... And of course he might not be living with us anyway in a few months or years...

Just wondered how you are getting on flow4?

I'm hanging on in there, TheOne, thanks :) Just had a counselling session - part of my stress management tactics...

Glad to hear you're ok. I can't get your situation out of my head and I'm still wracking my brains about how to solve the key situation. I really would like to send you a big hug.

I wonder if there are any mentoring schemes for you men in your area? Sometimes they are just small charities, could you research that? It might be more acceptable to him that counselling and help him have an older male role model who is looking out for him.

young men, not you men :-)...and than, not that...been a long day!

I wish there were, Euro! The mentoring scheme in our area is run mostly by middle aged women. I have nothing against middle age women (seeing as I am one myself ) but my son does (seeing as his mum is one ). It would be really great if there were some men engaging with disengaged young men, but there aren't around here :(