Feeling down - son arrested for burglary

[flow4]

That's about it, really. The police came and arrested him earlier this evening, and brought him back about an hour ago. 4 CID officers, two of whom charged up the stairs to his room without even stopping to say hello. I can't really even begin to describe how surreal it is: I'm a boring respectable middle-aged professional woman, and I simply can't get my head round having a son who has been arrested for burglary. :(

He even told me about the incident, but - and I know this sounds incredible - it just didn't cross my mind that it was burglary. He snuck into the house of a girl he used to be close friends with, when he was drunk/stoned, and stole her phone, then woke up the next morning and couldn't work out how to get it back to her, so kept it... Until her boyfriend heard about it and kicked the sh*t out of him and got it back. He was quite badly beaten, so obviously I asked questions - which is when I found out. But I didn't think of it as burglary - which it obviously is, now the police have pointed it out. I feel stupid.

I also feel like a terrible failure as a parent. He's largely beyond my control - certainly in practical terms - and if he's turning into a f*cking burglar, then I'm probably losing the moral 'battle' too :(

I'm disgusted with him to be honest. Which is upsetting. And I'm suffering from that exhausting yo-yo-ing of emotions: he's been reasonably pleasant and helpful recently - but every time I hope he's growing up/getting better, there's some other bit of sh*it behaviour...

He has been incredibly lucky. He has had an official reprimand, but isn't going to court. I have very mixed feelings about this: I know a criminal record is something to avoid, but a lecture and a bit of paper seems a bit of a lame response. I'd really like someone to put a rocket up his arse He needs to sort himself out, and I think we're past the point where I can help him very much: he's 17 - he needs to do it himself. I've told him that if he brings the police into my life again, I'll throw him out.

All in all a miserable evening :(

Actually, thinking back, there was (maybe still is) a youth service team with a prevention remit - my son was referred when he was 12-13 - and a young male (unqualified) youth worker came once a week or so for about 6 months and took him places. It was great. Then there was a very unfortunate incident: the YW took my son to a city about 15-20 miles away (we live out in the sticks), to a club he'd taken other kids to before. When they got there, he dropped my son off, and told him to go inside, and said he was just popping round the corner to McD's to get a burger. My son went in, but was refused access without an adult, and rather than waiting, went back out to find the YW. And was mugged. :( He wasn't hurt, but he was very scared. :(

The YW and youth service clearly failed in their duty of care. But my son liked the YW, and remember he was inexperienced and unqualified and young himself, so although I had a long and, um, frank convo with the team manager, DS and I decided we'd like continued support. However, very sadly, the YW was so mortified/embarrassed by this that he never came to see my son again. He just failed to make contact and dropped off the radar. And the youth service never replaced him. From DS's perspective, the YW became just another adult who had let him down :( From my pov, it was yet another service that had let us down. :( I do sometimes feel DS has had v bad luck - as well as being a pain in the bum, of course!

Well, middle aged women could not do the mentoring perhaps but they could get involved in trying to create the charity and rope the men in? There are quite a few of these programmes in London now, Kids Co are among the best known but I've come across quite a few others too such as this one www.potential4you.co.uk/index.html

cross post. Sorry to hear that Flow.

My friend was telling me about another such scheme - one with a focus on music - in Levenshulme in Manchester. But we're in the back of beyond (almost) and there's not much here. I think our area gets neglected cos services assume we have some kind of rural idyll out here... But there are about 75 boys aged 14-19 within a mile of my house, and I know almost all of them, and of course they know each other: at least half of them are regular alcohol and cannabis users, and occasional users of other drugs; and around 15-20% of them are 'NEETs', and I know a similar number have had run-ins with the police...

The industry that used to give all boys a job, 10 years ago, has closed down... And there are fewer jobs left than people, and they require 'soft' customer service 'skills' like being polite and well presented and sitting still, which teenage boys are not famous for. We need jobs that require energy and strength and night-working, and maybe even a bit of risk-taking ... Or as a society we're going to 'lose' a big slice of this generation. Maybe not my son, in the end, but tens of thousands of others :(

Sorry - that was a rant, wasn't it?!

Couldn't agree with your more flow I think its easier for girls to get jobs. I feel sorry for the youth of today there is nothing out there.

Flow - really am in awe of how you're getting through this .
Keep thinking " there but for the grace .." .

Have not read middle bit of your thread ,so this may not help ,but thinking about key ...would a key safe help ?
www.amazon.co.uk/Masterlock-5415D-Key-Pad-Safe/dp/B004124YFA

If you do get one ,get one with numbers on a pad ,not one with dials www.johnlewis.com/231572554/Product.aspx?s_kenid=18da96f8-b8fc-9249-da5a-000014f95c2e&s_kwcid=12x740471 as they are incredibly fiddly and need good light .

Sending you all good thoughts for an uneventful weekend .

You sound such a fantastic mum .

Yes Maryz this country needs a good shake up my dh has worked on building sites all his life from 15 and made a really good living out of it.

My son has had three days manual digging this week and has come home happy and tired with money in his pocket. He would. Not be able to do this type of thing on a building site because they need tickets and health and safety.
Even my husband had to go and pay a thousand pounds to do a digger course eventhough he has been driving them for twenty five years.

My daughter is nineteen and most of her friends haven't worked yet they have gone to college and they still cannot get a job and we don't live in a high unemployment area.

Thank you gingeroots, that's kind of you :)

I didn't think of a key safe, but my son did. He said then he wouldn't need to carry a key around (true) and if I told him the number, he wouldn't tell anyone else. I'm afraid I don't quite believe him. Not because I think he's inviting his friends to burgle our house (call me naive, but I don't) but because he trusts his friends and doesn't believe any of them could possibly abuse our hospitality and burgle us. But I'm afraid I do. Even if he didn't tell anyone else the number, they've all got eyes, and I think it would only be a matter of time before one of them clocked the number. :( On balance I feel a key is more secure, because now I'm making sure I see DS1's key every night, I can be sure no-one else can get in while I'm sleeping or at work.

flow4 I have just read your posts and I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I work with kids of your son's age a fair proportion of whom smoke weed and take other drugs on a regular basis and are behaving rather like your ds. I don't know if it would help but I came across an organisation called the Camelia Botner Foundation www.cameliabotnar.com . It is a residential organisation that I was looking at for a young man I work with -amazingly he has got into a local college (absolutely no qualifications at all). I think you have to be drug free for 3 months but it may be something to think about. Fingers crossed

Harlot, thank you for that. I'm not sure there's any chance of persuading my son this was a good option for him, BUT it is the first option I have found/heard of that would take him away from home without it costing thousands of pounds I don't have, and it makes me feel a little lighter just to know another option exists :)

flow I have to say it looks a good bet, I was delighted to find it. Your ds might not be interested at the moment but he might be persuaded later. It took many months and a lot of blips for the young man I mentioned to think college could be for him. Easy for me to say as it isn't my son, but don't give up, they can and do change.

Thanks harlot this looks such a good idea, would think this helps a lot of people out really useful link.