My 14 Old Daughter Says She Wants to be a Boy

[Somebiscuits]

I have a dilemma. My daughter has expressed her dissatisfaction with many aspects of femininity before - periods for instance and the fact that women do not have true equality with men- and I have been very sympathetic. She doesn't like having breasts and quickly went from wearing ordinary bras to wearing sports bras. That was okay too.I suppose I was waiting for her to accept that she was growing up and mature a little bit.

However, recently she has announced that she has body dysmorphia and wants to be a male. She has asked to see a counsellor and last night asked me to buy bindings so she can flatten her breasts completely. I refused because I believe this could permanently damage her - she's still growing after all. She flew off the handle and now I don't know what to do.

The thing is I am pretty liberal and accepting and I would accept this more if she had a history of dressing or acting like a boy. She hasn't and has an interest in girls things like make up, hair and clothes. She is not gay. Her dislike of being female seems more to do with the physical and social aspects than a deep feeling that she was born in the wrong gender.

All this has left me very confused. I'm loathe to start her on counselling for fear she'll end up going down a particular path which I am not at all convinced is the right one. On the other hand I want to support her and the best I can for her while she finds out about herself. What should I do?

Biscuits you have so much love and support here. Thank you Kion for your perspective as well. We are definitely facing a new set of challenges for our teens. My child has been diagnosed with anxiety as well and I do think that complicates matters as far as them being comfortable with themselves and dealing with peer pressure.

My prayers are that they will figure out who they truly are before anything irreversible is done. I do think there is something to be said for influences as well. I would suggest therapy to help clarify feelings and help her think through some of her decisions. Find a therapist who knows this is trending and can figure out her true feelings. I was told that any push back we had would push her toward the trans idea even more. We try to stay on neutral ground with that subject.

Petunia,
Could you share some examples of neutral responses? I would appreciate some advice. I had been pretty good about it with things getting better, but now that she seems to be hyper focused again I know I am saying the wrong things.

Your experience is different than mine and my DD has not dug her heels in yet. I try not to engage in gender discussion because she will just think I am against her and she is not at an age I can reason with her about truths. She is younger (13) and I can keep her busy enough not to focus on the issue for now. I am letting the therapist have those discussions.

I like the advice I have seen on similar threads of allowing them to take ownership and if they choose at 18 to pay for the treatment then it is up to them. It at least takes the rebellion aspect away in the hope that they will mature enough to be comfortable with who they are.

My journey is just beginning and I foresee it getting worse as time goes on. I am praying that therapy and time will help her work out these issues. I was told that this is their journey and they have to work it out for themselves. We can guide them by asking questions that make them think about their feelings and lead them to introspection as best we can.

Petunia1234- I think you have given good advice that is reasonable for a child of any age. My kid does not have the ability to look at the issue logically at this point and I know my reemerged anxiety has not helped diffuse the current dig in. We've been here before and you'd think I'd handle it better by now but my mind leaps to a disastrous future and I need to stop projecting. Easier said than done.

I agree completely, saying and doing are two different things. It rises and falls at our house. When it becomes a bigger issue, I become anxious and can not eat or sleep worrying about her future.

The more I discuss it with others, the more it helps me relax and take it one day at a time. I want so much for her to see truths and when she is older, she can make decisions with all the information, but I don't think that will happen anytime soon.

Despite the age difference, I don't think we are really in a much different place. Looking back I can see that there was a huge change in my daughter's mood when she turned 13 and got her first period. A year later is when she started verbally expressing her great discomfort.

One day at a time. I have to get better at bringing myself back to the present, not long for "yesterday" when I had a happy little girl and not fear "tomorrow" where my mind makes up horrors.

My heart goes out to you and know I will be thinking about you and your family, I am comforted knowing we are not alone and it helps me find peace and strength in my day to day life. Stay strong and know whatever the outcome is you are a wonderful mother and your love and guidance is the most precious gift you can give. I keep hearing that later they will understand and love us for it.

Well my husband and I had a talk about what to do with our 16 year old daughter who is convinced she is transgender. We feel so hopeless and no one slept last night. I made an appointment with a therapist my daughter had seen when she was 8 and having an episode of crippling anxiety at school. I want a full evaluation, not just a look at the gender thing. My daughter has a whole lifetime of issues involved with anxiety and inability to handles stress. This therapist knows just the first few, after 8 she developed an eating disorder, threatened self-harm and suicide, and has had continuing anxiety and depression, although on medication. I told her last night we may do counseling, but said the gender issue was just one thing we would look at. She constantly lies to her friends, which I called her on and she is so impulsive when she doesn't get her way. She seems to have a misperception of almost every thing that happens to her as well. I just hope this therapist will help and not harm. But, if we do nothing, this will just continue and she has already said she was looking at trying to find counseling herself (by the way, I had offered twice in the past few months to take her to counseling when she expressed confusion and she refused). I think she wants to see a therapist from the local LGBT center, which is not my choice. I just worry that she will not be truthful and nothing will change. My husband is considering homeschooling her next year to keep her from these other kids influencing her-but that obviously has its own problems. After 16 years of almost non-stop issues with this poor child I'm just worn out.

@Kion29 Thank you so much for your post - you brought hope to a bad day!, @JBro123 - thank you for your updates "One day at a time" is my mantra - it gets so hard when the moods change! @ConfusedMumma - sorry life is somewhat crazy in my household so I am sorry it has been over 6 months since I checked this thread, @Bobbymac - thank you for this thread, it would be good to hear how you are doing.

Update: So we had the big meeting in November and J went back to school in January as S and male. And then things started going wrong!
School were brilliant - all staff and pupils all using new name & pronoun and been nothing but supportive. New uniform was all sorted out no problem. Then mood started going down and getting harder and harder to get J into school at all. CAMHS suggested a break from school and then a gradual return.

During this time J seemed to think that maybe they had made a wrong decision and started to think more about gender queer/ non-binary. We also talked about Asperger's Syndrome (as her older brother is diagnosed and they are very alike). We had got to a point where J was just hating gender at all and did not care what gender or name anyone called them just didn't want to be male or female. Seemed more comfortable going back to birth name at that point & still there now at home at the moment.

On the toilets front - J uses unisex toilets at school but hard when we go out as they refuse to use public toilets unless unisex! But I know J hides in toilets at school at times and avoids drinking when we go out so as not to have to use public toilets!

Mood has gone up and down - seeing CAMHS weekly but a few months since last Tavi appointment as they didn't feel they needed another one! Yet only yesterday I got "When is my next Tavistock appointment as I am feeling more male & I need to talk to them about going on blockers"! At the last appointment in April they were talking about from day to day switching between feeling male & female & feeling that actually the feelings around gender were secondary to the anxiety depression and difficulty fitting in.

We are just trying to take a day at a time. It is hard with mood going down and the worry of it all. I am convinced J has Asperger's but CAMHS don't seem to want to pursue it so not sure where to go from there.

So right now we are on a reduced timetable at school and taking 8 instead of 10 GCSEs due to the amount of school lost due to absence and the anxiety and stress. J is at an unusual school in the UK which is a state school but part boarding so actually only has to get through to the end of next week & then summer holidays! That seems to help most of the anxieties and functions much better in holidays.

Sorry for the long post and will try and stay more connected and hoping all on this thread are doing ok x

Thank god I came across this thread - although it is 2016 - everything I am reading here helped me out - I got 13 year old daughter totally stressed about being a girl - she had terrible (30 day long) periods - Mom and I got her on the pill - the internet is full of open but also unhealthy approaches to her feelings and confusion. She was stressed enough that at one point thought about doing the worse (we read her texts when we found out she was cutting herself). we are starting counseling in July - we narrowed down the internet access - and she is spending the summer with family to give her a break from her friends....whew.... thats all for now - but thanks to all who gave their insights on this thread.

I'm also so glad I have found this thread, my 14 year old child (born female) has in the last 6 months cone out as transgender. They are displaying such confused messages to me and it seems to be popular in their social group to present in this manner.

I question in my head is this real or just a coping mechanism for dealing with teen angst?
I've seen some of the online blogs they watch and they are questionable to be polite.
I feel my child is reacting to not having a great time as a child and relating that to being a 'girl' so if they are not a girl life wouldn't be so shit. I sometimes think it is an extreme version of feminism, 'why should I be treated this way because I'm female' but recognise that could be my perception only.
I have agreed to the name change to the chosen gender neutral name, my child approached their school re this, at which point I realised it was serious and have signed the relevant forms for school, GP etc to use the new given name.

I have facilitated GP appointments to get the pill prescribed continually to prevent periods and bought various sports bras to try to help but it is so difficult when they will not measure and I have to guess in what will fit.

I've supported the short hair cut and buying clothes from the men's section, (this was easier to do once they came out to me)

I facilitate attendance at a LGBT youth group twice a month when they meet, and have involvement from a camhs related mh team which is due to other issues but came on board at the same time as the transgender issue raised its head.

Outwardly I am dealing with this, to my child I think I'm coming across as accepting, but inwardly I'm thinking what the fuck, your presenting as nominally male, but accept your born name when people slip up with no issue, your friendship group is female or born females presenting in the same way they do, their interests are still those that I would attribute to a female minus make up.

This is so damn hard to deal with, sometimes I wish it was drink drugs and sex that they were doing because at least I could understand that as that was the way I rebelled as a teen. This transgender thing is so different from what I know and I have no idea of what I am doing is right, wrong, supportive or damaging

Hello everyone. I've read all this thread... I'm in the same situation. My 15yo daughter gave me a letter yesterday saying she wants to be a boy. My story is so similar to many on here. I just wanted to come on and say hello but that I'll lurk if you don't mind. I'm trying to be very calm and supportive (I've yet to tell my husband, her dad) but I'm crushed inside. I'll check out the links people have posted. Thnks for listening.

stoneagemum I think you are correct in your analysis of why these girls are trying to be something other than girls-it is-a coping mechanism. My girl is going through the same thing and I truly believe what you do. I don't think she wants to be a boy, she is just tired of being a girls and not fitting in. It's also not just a change in lifestyle, these girls eat, breathe, and live transgender issue all day long.

Thank you so much for this thread. My 15 year old (born) daughter has recently come out as a whole host of things including transgender. She's always been a tom boy, preferring trousers to skirts and got on better with boys, but this is a whole other level which I'm struggling to deal with. I'm not sure if its just a phase while dealing with all the normal teenage anxiety things, or if this really is who she is. I remember going through a confused phase when I was around her age, but I'm as "normal" (for want of a better word) as it comes for a 30 something who isn't a girly-girl.

Her friendship group all seem to be have alternative/opposite gender names, boyfriends and girlfriends and I'm wondering if this is being a big influence on her way of thinking. She's always been easily swayed and has a habit of over researching things. When I spoke to her teacher, she said "If you asked her how central heating worked she'd go away and research it so thoroughly she'd be able to tell you not just how it works but the history of it, current developments in the field, alternatives, and probably diagnose any problems you have with it for fun". This is the way my daughter has been raised and I'm proud that she is always so thorough about things as it helps her make an informed decision.

She has also been raised to accept everyone no matter their skin colour/sexual orientation/culture etc. So when she asked to attend a youth group with a friend who is bisexual to support them, I said okay. The next thing I know her entire life is the LGBT community, she's going by a male name in school with her peers, and coming out with all these labels for herself. It was almost like someone flicked a switch and suddenly everything is different. Skirts (always worn with thick black tights), perfume, make-up (not that she wore it very often any way), anything pink, just about anything girly all gone and she won't even look at stuff like that any more.

Recently there's been problems in school, and as a result I have confiscated her mobile phone when she's not out of the house also switched off the automatically connecting to the internet on it. I've restricted her internet access on her laptop to just homework stuff. Then I went through her facebook account and unliked/unfriended all the LGBT things she had on it, not because I don't approve of them, but because it was all she seemed to look at on there. Yes the support is good, but I can't help think that it is having a detrimental effect on her ability to think about things clearly the way she was immersing herself in everything to do with the LBGT community, but mainly it seemed to be gay marriage. I have also stopped her going to the youth group, just until September when I will look at things again.

For the past couple of weeks she's been back to her pre-youth club self. She's watching films, reading books, doing chores, talking to me and its like having my daughter back. However I have a horrible feeling she is doing it just to please me, and that she is in fact putting on a show while still feeling the same. I don't want her living a lie, but I also don't want her labelling herself now while still at school, with things that may make her future more problematic than it needs to be.

Thanks to this thread I know I'm not alone out there dealing with this. Like another poster said, if it was drugs/sex/drink I'd know better how to handle it. But this, this has caught me completely off guard and I'm struggling to get my head around it all.

Oh god everyone on this thread has so got the way my 16yr old daughter is behaving
She has been on antidepressants since she was 14,doing her state exams
Seeing councellors psychiatrists
She feels male which she told us about six months ago
She was diagnosed with Aspergers recently too and has had thoughts of self-harming

I sometimes think it is an extreme version of feminism, 'why should I be treated this way because I'm female' but recognise that could be my perception only.

That is only your perception. The only thing this has in common with feminism is that your daughter has identified a problem, i.e. the way she is treated under patriarchy.

Feminists's approach to the problem that women are treated like shit in the patriarchal world we live in is to fight patriarchy.

Feminists know that one cannot identify out of patriarchal oppression, as it is based on sex, not gender.

Feminism is the traditional solution to the problem that men (and some women) treat women like shit.
Transgenderism is seen by some women as alternative to feminism, but in fact is the opposite of feminism, as it mostly works to remove women's rights (just read the thread on transwomen being allowed to compete against women, thus slowly erasing women from sports altogether.)

Hi there, it's been a while since I last posted so I thought I'd share how things are going.

My daughter (age 12) is still saying that she transgender, but she seems less fixated on a day to day basis. (It only comes out dramatically if she's fallen out with a friend or there is another stress going on like exams etc)
I'm supporting her in her gender non conformity (which is only through her haircut and clothing and her verbal I distance that she not a girl- everything else is stereotypically female) but I have made it clear that in my view that doesn't make her transgender. It just means she doesn't conform to certain stereotypes. She doesn't agree with me, which is fair enough, but we've agreed to disagree (trying to get her to respect other people opinions, and to realise that If someone doesn't share your beliefs it doesn't mean they can't love you, and you them) . She's calmed down a lot. I wonder whether it's partly because I won't rise to her being over dramatic anymore and if she starts with the trans activist views I call her out on it. And also reiterate that I don't agree that she needs to alter herself in order for her to feel "authentic."
I've found a few sites useful for gaining perspective on gender identity, 4th wave now, and youthtranscriticalprofessionals.
They are currently conducting research into rapid onset gender disphoria and they are looking for parents to contribute their experiences through an anonymous questionaire.
Also I found a great video of a talk given by Rebecca Reilly-Cooper. It's long but really started me thinking about my own opinion on disphoria.

As I continue to see this thread grow I am overwhelmed by thr similarity in experiences and other similar threads are springing up too. It both saddens me and comforts me to know I'm not alone. Hang in there x

I am so amazed at this thread. I do not understand why parents try to protect their own children from their feelings.
If you try to put a led on it it will come out somewhere else, somehow.
I read so much transphobia here. And phobia appears to be the right word.
SEN or not accepting your daughter feelings is the only way. I am not saying starting her on hormones. But if she wants to be addressed as a 'he' so be it. I hope you understand that most LGBT children are at a much higher risk of suicide than anybody else. Tidiest keep her alive you have to accept her as she is. If this is truly who she wants to be she will have the energy to fight off bullying and will start to blossom.
I remember hating my breast and wanting to cut them off as a teen. It wasn't just a phase as my mum used to say. I am a lesbian. I do not like to obey to any gender stereotypes wether feminine or masculin.

Eloelo I think you've completely missed the point f the thread and I can't believe that all these parents posting about their sad, confused, HFA, anxious, self harming kids who are clinging to the trans narrative to make some sense of their feelings and blather about suicide rates in trans teens these parents are dealing with things in a sensitive and nuanced way which is how it should be. Blanket acceptance that 'oh yes you must be trans let's go get you hormones' is a terrible response tbf

Lady stark you completely misread my post too.
I advocate to let them express their feelings openly regardless how who they feel they are and how threatening that might be for some.

For anyone reading this thread, I hope you find support knowing that you are not alone. We are all caring parents, and I know that because we have all dared to say we're worried.
This thread is beginning to be targeted by the trans activists talk of suicides and transphobia. My advice, don't listen to them. Don't engage with them.
Questioning your child's behaviour and openly swapping experiences on mumsnet does not make you transphobic.
I think my daughter is awesome for who she is. I live with her, I know her, I know she has good friends, that she is funny and clever and that when she's older she'll make decisions that are right for her.

For those with ASD teens and gender identity issues, consider this from Tony Attwood (Australian psychologist especially interested in Aspergers):

Young AS/ASD girls may not be “girly girl”, and maybe not even “tom boy”, but they do not seem to fit in with what the other girls their age are doing. An AS/ASD girl may pick up that the girls are being mean to her and leaving her out or excluding her because she does not like the same things that they do. Some girls may be more tom boyish or masculine which is generally a little more accepted in society (a feminine boy usually gets a more derogative name like “gay” or “sissy”). The AS/ASD girls find that being with the NT girls is more stressful than being with the boys. The boys are more inclusive and I would rather be doing what they are doing anyway. As each approaches puberty, the thoughts can become that perhaps they are not their biological gender.
As both males and females age, their AS/ASD differences become more prominent to them and others. They may they feel like they do not seem to fit in anywhere. In adolescence the desire to belong and be accepted is strong. As AS/ASD persons enter middle and high school, peers begin to distance themselves and they wonder, Where do I fit? Where do I find acceptance? Aspies also tend to be 5-6 years behind their peers in developing romantic attraction and may believe they are asexual or bisexual because they have not had any experiences in the area of romantic type relationships. Celibacy is often seen as safe, and many on the spectrum live happy fulfilled lives celibate.
Dr. Attwood explained that in the teen years, the spectrum teen is basing their self-concept on the criticism and negatives verses compliments or strengths. “They have a sense of a fractured self, and begin to collect data about this difference. They become interested at an intellectual level about the opposite gender and that my differences must be because I am supposed to be the opposite gender.”

Add to this seed of thought an often lonely peer experience and lack of peer guidance. Feelings of isolation and rejection by the mainstream NT peer group water the seed that thinks, different means defective, and I need to change or do something to fix this to be accepted by my peers. The LGBTQA group, especially teens, understand rejection and isolation and they are accepting of differences. AS/ASD teens feel welcomed and supported into this group and feel that sense of belonging and acceptance they have been longing for in this culture. As an Aspie does “nothing in halves”. They do not see an alternate perspective about their AS/ASD (and many may not be diagnosed OR were diagnosed but their parents did not want to tell them). The seed of thought about being different, combined with a need for acceptance and belonging, becomes a powerful catalyst to pursue gender identity change. The belief becomes entrenched and dogmatic. Well-meaning parents may try to argue with them or dissuade them with facts or faith and tell them they cannot hang out with this group of friends, but this can feel like taking a life line from them. They pursue the knowledge of what it takes to become the opposite gender relentlessly. Just like any other special interest, they collect the data about hormones and surgeries in a knowledge based way and not an emotional way. Dr. Attwood says a special interest has a “use by date” of 3-5 years. Many studies, which will be noted below, caution allowing an AS/ASD person to have the gender reassignment surgery during this 3-5 year phase because permanent changes such as surgery will have remorse when the interest fades and passes.

Thanks for this, havenlady. I've read a few things by Tony Attwood and also something by Liane Holiday... the idea of my daughter having Aspergers has never crossed my mind before. As I read through the characteristics I'm ticking plenty off (exceedingly talented in art, precocious reader, love of fantasy, feels more at home with animals rather than people... I'm paraphrasing, sorry) but there are some that aren't her at all ("organising rather than playing with toys" - she is exceedingly untidy) and some characteristics that could apply to many teens (emotional meltdowns, inability to understand another point of view). I'm wondering if she could have Aspergers or whether actually that's just me finding that Aspergers is a tidy explanation for her behaviour that is more acceptable to me than her actually being a boy in a girls body.
I know I'm probably rambling a bit and I'm probably picking the wrong words you describe things. I'm not intending to offend anyone; just a mum trying to work out what's going on, as so many are on here.
Last night my daughter said she couldnt go anywhere unless she was with a specific person (her girlfriend who also wants to be a boy). I'm just so sad that my daughter has no friends apart from the girlfriend and one other person in her class. She used to have a reasonable circle of friends, or so I thought.
Not sure whether to pursue the Aspergers idea with the GP or whether to let it go.... not sure how to encourage someone who says they "cant make friends" to do just that and seek some different company. She seems to be withdrawing into her shell and it's sad to watch.
Argh - this is challenging! Thanks for listening.

Keepsmiling. My DD was on the face of it a bright engaging sociable girl until aged about 17, although quirky - no make up; happy in trainers; her DB called her "captain literal" and we joked that she lacked the empathy gene! Then started suffering from anxiety, meltdowns, then depression. Finally (3 weeks ago) she announces she is in fact "a guy". She had never before expressed any discomfort in her body, nor expressed any desire not to be a girl. I really think in the depths of her depression she has come to the conclusion that the reason she doesn't fit in with her peers (although she has a very close circle of NT female friends) is that she must be transgender, and having some to that conclusion that is not up for discussion. The penny only dropped about possible ASD about 6 weeks ago so we have done nothing about a diagnosis. Tomorrow she is going to see a clinical psychologist (she is 18 so this may not involve me at all), but I have suggested that she raises the possible ASD then - I am very keen that somewhere in her notes it is mentioned as I am fearful of this being overlooked or dismissed. Also she is intrigued by the idea and I think relieved that there may be an explanation for her being unable to throw away Pringle tubes, insist on siting at the same place at the table; being generally very inflexible.... I am hoping that the psychologist will be able to approach the gender issue by raising the possibility that there may be other explanations for how she feels, but I can see how that may not go down well either.

I too am watching my DD withdraw into her shell, and yes it is heartbreaking to watch. I can't believe how quickly this has all happened - it is like having been run down by a truck, poor kid.

About friends - what about some activity involving animals - volunteer at an animal shelter; dog training? That would have the added benefit of socialising with other ages...
Also anti-depressants do seem to be helping - 4 weeks in and much brighter in herself.