My 14 Old Daughter Says She Wants to be a Boy

[Somebiscuits]

I have a dilemma. My daughter has expressed her dissatisfaction with many aspects of femininity before - periods for instance and the fact that women do not have true equality with men- and I have been very sympathetic. She doesn't like having breasts and quickly went from wearing ordinary bras to wearing sports bras. That was okay too.I suppose I was waiting for her to accept that she was growing up and mature a little bit.

However, recently she has announced that she has body dysmorphia and wants to be a male. She has asked to see a counsellor and last night asked me to buy bindings so she can flatten her breasts completely. I refused because I believe this could permanently damage her - she's still growing after all. She flew off the handle and now I don't know what to do.

The thing is I am pretty liberal and accepting and I would accept this more if she had a history of dressing or acting like a boy. She hasn't and has an interest in girls things like make up, hair and clothes. She is not gay. Her dislike of being female seems more to do with the physical and social aspects than a deep feeling that she was born in the wrong gender.

All this has left me very confused. I'm loathe to start her on counselling for fear she'll end up going down a particular path which I am not at all convinced is the right one. On the other hand I want to support her and the best I can for her while she finds out about herself. What should I do?

My 13 year old has just told me she wants to bind her breasts. Never before has she said anything about not liking her breasts. Only about stretch marks on her chest and legs from growing so quickly. I am very worried about binding. Read about it and collapsed lung is one possibility, I had one that kept me from my daughter's for nearly 3 months, it was horrible for our whole family. I told her we can buy sports bras for now and see if this is her being an insecure teen having developed rather quickly and not having a small chest. We have gays and trans genders in our family and I have always said what ever makes you happy! But she is still developing and going through changes and I can't help but wonder with all that's at her finger tips, weather the internet has confused her or if this is really her own thoughts.
Many times over the years trends have come and gone for her, is this another?
I am supportive but worries that counseling may add questions or ideas that she as a13yr old can't manage yet.
She has told her friends and just told me asking I not tell her older sister and father so I feel very alone not having anyone to discuss this with.
Should I just go with sports bras for now and see if there's a change, or do I dishonor her respect by talking with my husband, her father? I have never kept anything from my husband of 13 years, my partner of over 20 years and feel very alone and confused myself.

If you suspect ASD, I strongly suggest looking into ADHD too, which is also associated with a higher risk of gender dysphoria. ADHD tends to cause girls more social difficulties than it does for boys.

I have ADHD and it definitely contributed to me wishing to be a boy (I was pretty heartbroken when my body started to change and suddenly I wasn't supposed to wrestle with the boys any more).

Hi I just found this and hope it may be helpful for me. Maybe I can help others in similar situation. 3 months ago my 13 year old daughter told me she is a boy and my world fell apart. Not cos I have anything against trans people I just am terrified about the future for her. Apart from all the harrassment and discrimination trans people are subjected to i dread that she might feel she has to undergo traumatic and mutilating surgery and hormones and then potentially change her mind. I als worry she will suffer more than most as she is only 4 foot 10 and has stopped growing so will never pass for a man. She has had problems with anxiety for several years which started after she was bullied having had a very early puberty and looked rather different from her peers. She stopped mixing with girls altogether for sometime and dressed more like a boy over time now has very short hair and boyish clothes. However she now has a number of girl friends too and seemed to become less reclusive last year hence we really werent expecting the announcement when it came. We are trying to support her but are not actively encouraging male behaviour as we think as a family this is a reaction to the bullying and early puberty but realise she has to figure things out. She is seeing a CAMHS counseller which is helping her I think. They have advised us to see this as a stage in her life to be manged whatever the outcome which I feel is helpful. Also to agree what to tell others and what do do re names and pronouns but to take it slowly and only move to next step if and whan the current one seems wrong. At present we are using gender neutral name but female pronouns. She has also been referred to the Tavistock clinic last month but I expect to wait about another 6 months for her to be seen. We are trying to take the wait and see approach and try to encourage conversations and activities that do not rely on gender but it is hard to resist asking her how things are all the time and leaping too far ahead with worries for the future. Like so many others on here we are also worried about all the stuff she is reading on the internet. We are trying to steer her to more helpful material eg that provided by CAMHS but are aware she has already read so much stuff, some of which is quite damaging I feel. I would welcome any advice anyone has for me and my daughter

I had taken a break from this thread and researching gender dysphoria for awhile because I've come to realize that I am obsessed as my child and am trying to accept her "as is" despite the fact I do not understand at all, and keep my opinions and anxieties to myself.

Havenlady, today I was overcome by a feeling of needing to check in. While I appreciate everything the posters have provided, your information about ASD and gender dysphoria was exactly what I needed. I have read some of Tony Attwood's findings about the connection with autism and extreme gender discomfort/confusion but not the additional insight regarding a 3-5 year interest in a fixation. Obviously, I have observed this on my own since my daughter was small when she either stubbornly fixated on something negative or even obsessed about a pleasurable hobby/interest far beyond her peer. And, looking back, it seems most of these particular issues did follow the 3-5 year timeline.

It was 2 years ago when I realized with certainty that my smart, beautiful girl was not just "quirky" but on the spectrum. I (unrealistically) thought that when we got her on the right medication and right resources that all the anger, confusion and inflexible thinking would start to resolve in a linear fashion. Obviously, I was wrong. While all this information is very helpful, I think the most important thing we parents have to work on is being patient and that is the hardest part.

I hope trans advocates reading this thread do realize that we concerned parents are not transphobic, we are parents who have a gut feeling that our children are reaching the wrong conclusion because of their over arching issues. We don't deny the gender dysphoria but we see it as a sub-issue, a result of their non neurotypical thinking, not an intrinsic identity and we've seen their non typical development since birth. I will say, though, that one thing we all can learn from the LGBTQA community is acceptance. If for 99.9% of these kids it is a phase, acceptance will not hurt them at all. And I am learning the difference between acceptance and reinforcement. Acceptance does not mean we have to adopt their thinking and agree with their train of thought and conclusions about their core identity, we just have to know it is going to be an issue until they work it out forgets elves, no matter how long it takes.

Wish me luck practicing what I preach!

JBro I hope I am on the same trajectory as you. I am practising calm acceptance and support. Identity is a very complex thing and anyone struggling to find out who they are deserves no less. Inside I am still desperately worried, but I still have a gut feeling that this may pass in time. equally if it doesn't then I want my DD to get there with as little emotional difficulty as possible. So far we have been asked to use a male pronoun but we continue to use her usual name (which could be unisex at a pinch) although I know her friends use another name - she hasn't asked us to use that. Wears boys clothes and a short haircut. I am getting adept at avoiding pronouns altogether as I admit that I find it very difficult. She hasn't asked to be referred to a gender clinic, although at 18 could do that whenever she wants. As for the 2-3 year obsession - she says she first started thinking this a few months ago, told us about it 7 weeks ago. so one way or another we are in for a long haul.

This thread is quite old now, but it connects closely with the situation we are dealing with at home and I'm keen to reach out to see if anyone has any advice or helpful reflections.
About a year ago, towards the end of Year 8, our daughter who had previously been well and healthy began to develop OCD symptoms (hand washing and contamination related) which quite quickly descended into anorexia. Over the course of the last year she has been extremely ill, fortunately eventually turning a corner with the anorexia, though self-harming severely and suffering from serious depression and social anxiety through the recovery process. She came out as gay last September (I found out from a suicide note that I discovered) and more recently says that she identifies herself as non-binary gender or gender queer. She has cropped and dyed her hair and wears boys clothes (including boys underpants) and wears sportsbras and binders to flatten her chest. She is in good health - now a vegan but eating well and the OCD symptoms have reduced a lot.
She, or rather 'they' as she now prefers to be referred to, missed a year of school, though did participate in an online school, though wasn't up to doing any homework during the year and received some tutoring from the local authority. They took 3 of the end of year exams and did pretty well considering what they've been through. But they don't feel that they can return to the all girls state school they were at. They have said that they don't see going to a large mixed state school as an option either. We have looked into independent schools locally, but nothing seems right.

I'm writing because I'm wondering what we can do. My child wants to go to school, but the right kind of school doesn't seem to exist, at least not in our area. The impact on them of being at home the whole time is not good. We have arranged activities out of the home and they've got a place on an dance programme that they'll got to each Saturday, but the week is long and being out of school isn't good for them in terms of feeling isolated...Does anyone know of any schools out there where our child might fit in and be supported? We are willing to move and willing to pay if need be.
I wonder whether they would be happier living in a less affluent (we live in a London suburb) more multi-cultural area, maybe a state school in an area like that?

I'm posting quickly as its 2.30am when I'm starting this and I'm fighting to keep my eyes open.

Its the school summer holidays here, and DD has been going to see her boyfriend once a week since they broke up for summer. Although still dressing in jeans, t-shirt, hoody & baseball cap (very reminiscent of what I wear) some of her mannerisms have become more feminine over the past few weeks. Nothing too notable, just little things like planning out what she's going to wear to see him, showering & getting ready (no make-up or anything, just smart natural appearance) just like I used to except I used to apply make-up. Her anger issues have almost been none-existent except when I've asked her to run errands with me and in some cases she's understandably gotten annoyed. Nothing has really been mentioned about her gender identity except her asking when she could go back to the youth club again.

However, yesterday we were out p0kemon hunting and jumped the train to the small localish town where her dad lives. This trip had been planned for weeks for a reason. However, unbeknown to me until the night before, it was the towns first Pride celebrations. I knew if I cancelled the trip she'd get suspicious so I just went with it. Well this town had really taken on the whole rainbow flags for pride thing. They were everywhere and there was no avoiding the entertainment as it had taken over the entire town centre. We did what we had planned, and headed back to the town centre as there were a couple of shops I wanted to visit which aren't in our home town. DD kind of skirted her way around the stalls, without looking at them until we got lunch. Then she asked if she could get a couple of things. I said yes as I want to support and accept her the best I can. So she bought 2 items, then asked to go to an information stall where she picked up an A-Z of LGBT terms and she decided she was going to read that while I popped into one shop. When I came out she started saying about how she's sick of hiding who she is and then started talking at me solidly for a good 10 minutes. Meanwhile I'm trying to negotiate crossing busy main roads I don't know, crowds (which I don't do well in), football supporters who'd had a few drinks, people with flags billowing out behind them, check the train times home as DD was also moaning she wanted to go home while also saying all these different terms and how they relate to various friends etc which by this point I'm finding as complicated as quantum physics all with a rapidly growing headache. So I turned around like any parent would and called her by her given name (rather than the gender neutral shortened version) and asked her to be quiet for 5 minutes until we got to the station and on the correct platform/train as I couldn't think straight. She put her headphones in and sat sulking on the train and then walked home from the station still sulking.

Based on previous experience I let her go to her room to watch Glee to give us both time and space away from each other. She took her laptop and was chatting to her boyfriend via messenger but the battery went so she brought it back down and said I could use it. A little while later when the battery had charged up a bit I went to log in, but she'd had a game playing music on so I had to log in as her to close the game. There I saw the messages she'd been sending to her boyfriend. She said "pissed off at mum. I told her I was sick of hiding and then she called me XXX immediately after...do you have any idea how degrading that is....well its pretty degrading...like really degrading". I spoke to her about it, explained it wasn't meant to be degrading or disrespectful. It was a slip up as I was stressed and I can't be expected to stop calling her by her given name overnight after 15 years of calling her it even if 95% of the time she gets the shortened version which is gender neutral. I then also explained how its hard for me to get my head around everything when there are so many more labels now for everything and more being created constantly it seems. We ended up laughing and joking when comparing thing as they are now to back in the 90s when I was her age. A little while later she decided to bring up binding again. My reaction was "can we cross that bridge when we come to it as there are other steps you can take first before you start doing something which can potentially cause you physical harm if done wrong". Somehow we reached the topic of gender reassignment surgery, and she said she's already looked into it and its very expensive but she does currently want it. Now she's done posters for her room which are all about the rules for her bedroom, and which of the LGBT labels fit her.

I can't help but think that by taking her on the trip I've "undone" (for want of a better word) any changes that had happened over the holidays in her way of thinking. She did announce that its over a year since she "came out" (that would be to the people in school) so if this is a phase (and my gut is still saying it is, and my gut is usually pretty accurate) we can't have that much longer to go before she starts changing her mind again can we?

Hello Raisa. I can't really advise as this has all hit us just after DD left school. It sounds like your child has had a really rough time. A mixed school does sound sensible, and one with excellent pastoral support. I don't think where it is or the catchment would necessarily be important.

I am having another sleepless night over all this. Yesterday, right after I posted above, my DD asked me to go with her to the GP so she can ask about getting more physical changes. After marshalling my thoughts, and discussing with DH, I asked to talk to her again, told her that we were very worried about her doing anything irreversible particularly as she is still struggling to control her anxiety and recovering from depression. I was tearful as I said this but tried not to get emotional. DD was quite blasé about this (she is not what you would call emotionally intelligent), told me she had of course thought about this a lot and she would also listen to 'the experts'. And kept trying to change the conversation. I did then suggest that she could ask the GP if she could go on the continuous pill if her periods made her feel uncomfortable, to which she said that didn't sound very healthy to have all those hormones. It was only afterwards that it strikes me how odd that is for someone who is asking to be referred so they can be prescribed testosterone?
The other odd thing (and believe me this is all odd) is that she then showed me a tattoo she had done about 6 weeks ago. Now I am long past caring about a tattoo, and she is 18 so none of my business, but 3 months ago I would have told she was the last person on earth to consider getting a tattoo. The odd thing is is that is of a Phoenix, on her forearm, and quite big. So I turn to google and this is a 'trans' sign.
So why, if you want to become and live as a different gender, would you tattoo the fact that you are not onto your arm? Both things just struck me as incredibly naive. And that she is more wanting to be 'special' and belong to a T group, than actually wanting to be a man. So more a way of belonging than an essential change to align herself with an innate sense of gender?
Anyway, as Jbro says they have to work it out for themselves
. But I am so worried about her - emotionally immature, suffers from major anxiety and depression, rigid thinker - things aren't looking great for the future.

Confused I can see how you might think how things have been undone. It does sound like typical teenage behaviour - imagine if this were about animal rights and you had come across a demonstration and she had got all fired up again after losing interest. However what our children are getting all fired up about is potentially so serious, and impacts so much on everything.

My daughter is doing better and she is not so concerned about gender at the moment. The therapist is really helping and our focus now is not labeling any feelings because you don't really know who you are until your twenties. She has her close friends using a different name and pronouns, but is not rushing. She is still wearing a short haircut and wearing sweatshirts. She has anxiety at school, but is trying to manage it. We are about a year into this journey and am hoping with time she can see she does not have to fit into any box.

Petunia1234-So glad your kiddo is doing better! I like the fact she is accepting advice from her therapist that she does not have to "declare" anything, so to speak.

I came across this thread last night after a conversation with my daughter and I was so relieved to find it.
M first told me that she thought she was really a boy just over two years ago, when she was 14. She's never been a 'girlie girl' and is very original in her style...but I have never had a hint from her that she never really felt she was female.
Her friend group is similarly very individual, and all of them seem to have issues about their gender and/or sexuality. It has always felt like they are desperate to find labels they can hang on themselves.
Anyway.... We were in the middle of selling up to move overseas, and since we've been here I've never had any hint that she still felt that way. She has had a couple of boyfriends, spends time on her make-up etc. We have a friend who comes to stay with his daughters - one is the same age as M, the other a couple of years older and both are very girlie - all hair, nails, sparkly outfits etc. M got really upset that no boys paid her attention when they were out together. She also got upset when someone actually mistook her for a boy - another reason why I don't believe she really is one inside.
M is now back in the UK for sixth form, with the same peer group as before, and last night as we were chatting on Facebook Messenger she brought the subject up again and said she still felt that way. She said: "Now I'm back with people who know, and I feel more comfortable about been open with it, so it's less ignorable."
Apparently she has also spoken to a couple of teachers at school and even other friends' parents, and she told me she has ordered a chest binder.
From everyone else's replies and all I've read, it's obvious that there's a very wide spectrum and while I do think she has some issues I don't actually believe it's full body dysmorphia. One of the lines in her message said: "I'm still the same person, I just prefer to be seen as a boy. A very feminine boy, but a boy nonetheless." To me, that speaks volumes - she wants to be seen as a boy, not actually be one.
I honestly wouldn't have any issue with whoever she was - if she wanted to go the full transgender route, I would do nothing but love and support her. I'm just not convinced that's actually the case and, like many of you, I'm worried she'll go down a path she'll later realise was wrong.
I feel helpless being so far away, but she has emphasised she doesn't want to come back here or for us to move back to the UK. She's very intelligent and articulate and I know she'll have done lots of thinking and research herself....right now, I feel like I've been hit by a truck I didn't see coming.
Sorry this is rambling but at the moment I have nobody else to talk to about it and it's evident from the thread that most of you have experienced the same feelings, it's good to feel I'm not alone.
One thing that made me cry in one of her messages: "I was worried about telling you in case you didn't react well. I know you'd never hate me but I just don't want to disappoint you. I feel like if you accept me, then even if the whole of the rest of the world was against me, I could still do anything I wanted." I wished more than anything I was with her to give her the biggest hug. :'-(

Maydanoz, I am sending you and your daughter virtual hugs. I still continue to be amazed by all the similar stories we have and how many girls are feeling this way.

I wish I had better advice other than to take things one day at a time and to keep doing what you are: loving and supporting your daughter despite the fact you do not understand, and knowing that there are going to be lots of ups and downs and twists and turns as your daughter tries to figure this stage in her life out. She is probably as confused as you are, despite what she says.

Hang in there and we all empathize!

I am so glad I found this thread! I belong to a facebook group for parents of trans children, but the tone there is unrelentingly pro transition and I don't feel able to talk about my doubts there.

DD is nearly 15, has Aspergers, anxiety, depression (several suicide attempts in the past but mood generally much better now), and has identified as transgender for nearly 2 years. I'm so glad to read other parents saying exactly the same things I've been thinking about why there is a tidal wave of girls and young women rejecting their female bodies during and after puberty.

I love my daughter unconditionally and have supported her to wear the clothes and have the hairstyle she feels happy with. I have made an effort to use the name and pronouns she has chosen. I cannot and will not give my consent for blockers, hormones and surgery however. That is such a huge and life long path that I just won't take responsibility for. When she is old enough to not need parental consent she can make these decisions herself. I can only hope she makes the right choice for her future happiness.

JBro et al you are all so right about taking each day one at a time and riding through this storm with love and acceptance. Sometimes easier said than done though!

Longcat, I absolutely hear you about the surgery. I am so scared M will go down that path and later regret it. :(
We FaceTimed last night and I am still struggling to comprehend how, after being back in the UK for less than two months, she has made the absolute decision she is transgender and has told friends, some of their parents and even teachers - in two of her classes, apparently, she is already called by her chosen male name and referred to as 'he'.
I asked her what I thought were some curveball questions to try and throw her, make her question....but she had considered answers for everything.
All I could do was ask her not to make any life-changing decisions unless she was 100% sure...she is 17 in January so surgery could theoretically not be too far down the road.
She saw a GP on Monday regarding some social anxiety issues she has had for a while and he has referred her to CAMHS - he also wants her assessed for depression.
The other big thing is she has asked me not to tell her dad or big brother as she is terrified about their reactions. A is grown up and still lives in the UK, but he adores is 'baby sis' and she says she doesn't want to 'disappoint' him. Her dad...it's fair to say, much as I love him, that his reaction won't be good. I just know he will say it's a phase and encouraged by her group of friends who all seem to have some degree of gender/sexuality issues. (Which was pretty much what he said when she first expressed thoughts that she was bisexual a few years ago.)
So on top of it all, I have to keep this a secret from the two other people in the world I love most.
I know this will sound stupid but I'm also blaming myself and wondering if there's some genetic reason for all this. A few years before his death, my natural father told us he was a bisexual cross-dresser. I accepted this without any problem, probably because we never had a real relationship until my mid-20s - he and my mum split when I was small and we lost contact for many years. When I asked him, he said it wasn't something he had embraced or done anything about until he was in his 50s, but when he did he realised, subconsciously, that it was something he'd 'known' all his life. Coupled with my own depression/anxiety issues I do wonder if there's a biological factor at play.
Feeling very helpless and hopeless today. :'(

Maydanoz if it's any consolation at all, there is a waiting list of approx a year to be seen at the Charing Cross adult gender clinic (as your DD is 17 it's unlikely she would be referred to the children's service) and that's after waiting to be seen by CAMHS which can take a while depending on location.

My DD has been under the Tavistock for nearly a year now. l do feel they are helpful and supportive to the family as well as the young person.

Thanks Longcat. I was trying to work out a timeline in my head, based on her not seriously looking into going down that road until she's 18. (She knows she can't have surgery before then anyway, and there's her A levels and telling family etc.) So I reckon it would be a good few years, given waiting lists and having to live properly as a male for a while etc... I'm hoping against hope that she changes her mind by then. x

Maydonaz if you look in the LGBT children section there are some threads with useful and wise posts there - from all sides. Your child is at least talking to you about how she feels. My DD doesn't do talking about feelings, and is very defensive about discussing the issues. She is 18 and able to refer herself for hormones and surgery which is very scary. We have tried to be supportive but very clear that we don't think she should do anything irreversible (i.e. hormones or surgery) until she is 25, in the hope that that backstop is at the back of her mind. It must be very stressful that you are unable to share this with her father or brother. There was an item on the Today programme this morning where social workers are trying to intervene to stop parents preventing their child (14 I think) from seeing a specialist gender service. Although they did interview the parents, the main interview was with a barrister who saw the upsurge in court cases as a sign that at last gendervariant children are getting the support they need, "rescuing" them from abusive parents who do not simply validate their self-diagnosis. No one is trying to get to the bottom of why this is happening. It is good that it is in the mainstream media tho.

I also wanted to add that, (and I am only going on what I have read, so may not be even nearly right) my feeling is that it is not a question of "changing your mind" about a gender identity - it is not a lifestyle choice, rather it is far deeper and more complex than that, especially as it is all wrapped up in the adolescent maturing and acquiring a settled identity. So this could take years to unravel, or indeed to settle into what the identity is to be.

Sorry, Stopmakingsense - I didn't mean to imply that it was a choice, I do understand that. I meant more along the lines of what you say, about things unravelling and settling....and hope the end result is that she stays as she is.
If not....then that is the way it is. She will always have my love and support.

Maydanoz - those are my sentiments exactly.

i need some help. My child was supposed to be referred to the tavestock when she was 14 we was then told she was too old (15) as it might take a while , now she is 17 and is supposed to be referred to CAMHs but again we've hit a brick wall. My GP doesn't help and doesn't have a clue how stressful it has been. I would pay privately if I had to but im scared in case I find the wrong support, any ideas where I can go next

Henry789 It might be worth starting your own thread as this one is almost five years old.

Henry789 so sorry you and your daughter have been let down. 15 is not too old for the Tavistock but we have just waited 6 months for our appointment and assessment takes about 6 months so referral at 17 would not work. I don't know where you live but some of the gender dysphoria services for adults take referrals from 17 - Newcastle certainly does. Most have waiting lists of about a year anyway. I would be careful about seeing anyone privately in case they are into this trendy affirmative approach. If you did want to go private the Tavistock or your nearest adult nhs clinic may be able to advise you. Good luck and stay positive. Many of these girls do change their minds ( see 4th wave now website for some good support) and those who don't get good support in the NHS I believe
Good luck!

I'm glad your daughter is happier now, focusing on your normal routine is a great advise.