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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I don't know what to do - 14 year old DD's explicit video

106 replies

allthingspass · 17/01/2012 11:22

I have been reading other threads under this topic and I'm hoping that someone will have had a similar experience to me and be able to give me some advice.

My 14 year old DD informed me a couple of weeks ago that she had sent some topless photos of herself to a couple of boys at school. She was very upset and knew she had done a stupid thing, her excuse was that she felt pressured by the boys because she thought they wouldn't like her if she didn't. Says a lot for her self-esteem, right? It wasn't even a BF!! She had confided in a friend whom she trusted, who had then betrayed her by telling everyone at school, with the consequence that she is now the subject of bitchiness and name calling. She is absolutely distraught. It gets worse however. I found out yesterday (by snooping on her bbm) that she also sent a video of herself 'fingering' herself (I assume that means masturbating) to the same boys. I can scarcely believe it, I feel sick when I think about it. As far as I know these boys have not shown the photos etc to anyone. DD thinks they have deleted them, but how can we know that? She doesn't know yet that I know about the video, I'm not surprised that she didn't want to tell me, but it would have been easier to deal with if I'd known the whole truth from the start.

I don't know what to do. I haven't spoken to the school as yet, at DD's request, and I don't know if I should. What can they do? I know one of the boys involved has done almost the same thing to another girl, bullying her to take her top off on skype and then photographing her and showing the photos to people. If he were a few years older this would be a police matter, and I wonder whether someone shouldn't do something about this boy before he gets any worse.

DD is otherwise a typical teenager - moody at times but basically a good kid. I just don't understand what lead her to do this, or how to move on from here. I love her to bits but at the moment I feel really hurt and ashamed by her actions. I am trying to be supportive and loving, but it's really stressful. I can't sleep and I feel sick most of the time, and every time I think about it I want to cry - not helpful when you're at work!

Am I over-reacting? Can anyone help me please? Sorry this is such a long message!

OP posts:
Lulabellarama · 17/01/2012 11:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2012 11:30

OMG, I feel sick for you, your distress is palpable

You have to tell her you know

is there anything in her past that would have prompted her to do such a silly, silly thing in a vain attempt to gain approval from fuckwit teenage boys ?

I will probably get flamed here for over reacting, but I would be taking this very, very seriously if this were my teenage dd (yes, I do have one)

I would be arranging some form of counselling for her to explore with a professional why she felt the need to do this

I would also be utterly shocked and devastated, I am so sorry x

yashie · 17/01/2012 11:33

My daughter is only 1 do can't help from the parenting side, but from the not long out of teenage years myself side... Try sitting her down, tell her you know about the video. I wouldn't really recommend punishing her for it, I'm sure she's beating herself up enough about it. Try and explain that these boys don't like her, if they did they would t ask her to do things like that. No doubt she's not the first, and wont be the last. Are the boys her age?
Either way teenagers are cruel, if she doesn't send them anything in future, they are going to spread rumours, however if the rumours are already flying at least she can get a bit of her self respect back, tell the boys to do one, in no uncertain terms, and next time they pressure her for anything I would contact the boys parents.
Truth is, teachers aren't stupid and if this is already being whispered about, chances are the school is aware of it. Maybe best to go in (discreetly, when kids are in class not at lunch time when everyone will ask your dd why mummy is there!) and doesn't to the head/year head or whatever about it. Surely if the pressuring is going on in school the least they can do is keep an eye on it.

Sorry that wasnt much help really!

Clownsarescary · 17/01/2012 11:35

Have you considered that these boys could go on the sex offenders' register for downloading sexual images of underage children?

Just a thought.

You have a mess ahead of you in many ways.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2012 11:38

is it not a police matter ?

these boys are also under the age of 16, I am guessing, but if they are distributing this video ?

I would be involving the police

Clownsarescary · 17/01/2012 11:43

AF I would imagine the school would make it a police matter. It doesn't matter what age the boys are. It will be taken on the merit of what they are downloading.

cheekychubster · 17/01/2012 11:44

I agree about the legal angle of this. Your DD is a minor and has made a whopper mistake but surely anyone distributing this could be charged with child porn distribution.

The legal board might be able to help with that.

The school needs to be informed quickly and the police.

Your poor DD, dont be too hard on her. We all make stupid mistakes.

MrsHankey · 17/01/2012 11:44

Hope you don't mind me posting, I don't have a teenager but do very much remember being one and remember having friends who got themselves in similar situations.

I think my main instinct would be that she has issues with her self-esteem and its important to think about that, maybe counselling, mentoring (?).

But, one friend I remember basically treating something like this as a mistake, forget about it, don't do it again, move on, keep head held high and keep telling yourself its those who are pressuring for the pics & sharing them that have the problem.

Best wishes

CoolRunnings · 17/01/2012 11:50

Like others I was just coming to say that the school will likely involve the police with your daughter being underage. I know it will be hard but at least it should help the video to be permanently deleted.

This must be so hard for you, but try to take comfort in the fact that she told you what was going on, she must trust you very much. I'm not sure I could have told my parents in the same situation.

GypsyMoth · 17/01/2012 11:55

Love how everyone is demonising the 'teenage boys' here!! Hmm

Your dd did this. She had a choice. I agree with some sort of counselling for her low self esteem. And involve the school so they can speak to the parents if the people she sent her photos to.

coccyx · 17/01/2012 11:57

i have a 13 yr old daughter and feel for you. good that she has told you, i do agree you need to sit down and discuss the video with her. She won't like it but i do think you need to tell the school.

Clownsarescary · 17/01/2012 11:58

Indeed Olympia

Dd is certainly no innocent bystander.

Saying that, OP you have my sympathy, it is a mess, a huge mess.

TBE · 17/01/2012 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 17/01/2012 12:01

TBE .... No, she went one better! And did a video. After becoming the subject of gossip?

I would be removing her phone for a start!

VivaLaSativa · 17/01/2012 12:04

I agree with anyfucker, You need to find out why she felt the need to do this, I doubt she will do it again but its just one of those dumb things that kids do.

School is tough and if its going around she'll probably never hear the end of it.

We all do stupid things when we are young, although it is serious, it is a learning experience.

You cant blame the boys either, she chose to send the video and pictures.
It's common knowledge that things like these are shared amongst the boys.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2012 12:04

I am not "demonising" anybody

The facts here are that teenage boys are distributing something this poor girl did for their benefit, in order to curry their favour

I am quite aware that other girls may also be contributing to it. I really hope not, but I am not so naive to think that some girls would never do this

You see, remembering my school days...if someone else is the target of ridicule, it means you are not Sad

GypsyMoth · 17/01/2012 12:06

Op says she doesn't think the pic was shared and her dd says she thinks they have deleted it!!!!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/01/2012 12:06

Even so, I don't think that what the boys did is acceptable, Olympia. I would be utterly appalled if any of my dses did this to a girl. In fairness to the girl, the OP doesn't say that she sent the video of herself after the gossip had started - just that she also sent a video - so it is entirely possible that the video and pictures were sent at the same time, before the gossip started.

And if an adult man did this to an underage girl - forcing her to send topless pictures - it would be called grooming - so what the boys did is very serious.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2012 12:07

olympia...there is also a video

no mention of what has happened to that

charitygirl · 17/01/2012 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

VivaLaSativa · 17/01/2012 12:08

Coercion my arse, that word is a loaded weapon and is usually used to escape accountability. She sent pictures to someone she liked, they got into the wrong hands and spread around.

She took and sent them= she is responsible.

mrspnut · 17/01/2012 12:09

I would contact the school and the police, after telling your daughter that you know about the video.

It happens at every school unfortunately, I have a 15 year old daughter and I know it happened at her school. I also know that some boys have tried to coerce her into doing things on webcam that would not be appropriate but thankfully she thought through the implications and said no.

It could be almost any of us with a teenager in this position, so my heart goes out to you.

Clownsarescary · 17/01/2012 12:09

SDT come on, Olympia wasn't saying what the boys did is acceptable.

And yes, what the boys did is very serious.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/01/2012 12:11

Viva - are you saying that these boys are entirely innocent?

AnyFucker · 17/01/2012 12:12

oh ffs, this thread is going to turn nasty now

I presume some of you taking issue with these teenage boys being criticized have teeange boys of their own ?

well, so do I

and if he did this, I would be equally mortified than if my dd did it

there would, and should, be serious consequences for him

simply saying, it's the girls fault for caving into the pressure and shrugging your shoulders that it "happens all the time" is a cop out, IMO

it doesn't happen in my world, and I would not accept it for either of my children