I don't know what to do - 14 year old DD's explicit video

[allthingspass]

I have been reading other threads under this topic and I'm hoping that someone will have had a similar experience to me and be able to give me some advice.

My 14 year old DD informed me a couple of weeks ago that she had sent some topless photos of herself to a couple of boys at school. She was very upset and knew she had done a stupid thing, her excuse was that she felt pressured by the boys because she thought they wouldn't like her if she didn't. Says a lot for her self-esteem, right? It wasn't even a BF!! She had confided in a friend whom she trusted, who had then betrayed her by telling everyone at school, with the consequence that she is now the subject of bitchiness and name calling. She is absolutely distraught. It gets worse however. I found out yesterday (by snooping on her bbm) that she also sent a video of herself 'fingering' herself (I assume that means masturbating) to the same boys. I can scarcely believe it, I feel sick when I think about it. As far as I know these boys have not shown the photos etc to anyone. DD thinks they have deleted them, but how can we know that? She doesn't know yet that I know about the video, I'm not surprised that she didn't want to tell me, but it would have been easier to deal with if I'd known the whole truth from the start.

I don't know what to do. I haven't spoken to the school as yet, at DD's request, and I don't know if I should. What can they do? I know one of the boys involved has done almost the same thing to another girl, bullying her to take her top off on skype and then photographing her and showing the photos to people. If he were a few years older this would be a police matter, and I wonder whether someone shouldn't do something about this boy before he gets any worse.

DD is otherwise a typical teenager - moody at times but basically a good kid. I just don't understand what lead her to do this, or how to move on from here. I love her to bits but at the moment I feel really hurt and ashamed by her actions. I am trying to be supportive and loving, but it's really stressful. I can't sleep and I feel sick most of the time, and every time I think about it I want to cry - not helpful when you're at work!

Am I over-reacting? Can anyone help me please? Sorry this is such a long message!

Allthingspass as said above maybe you should go on the legal boards. There are huge implications all around here.

Once again, you have my sympathy, but this matter is not straight cut.

the Op has come for suppport, not sure this is it

Why blame the boys ffs? I mean seriously. This is typical behaviour. They are still young and don't fully understand how bad this is, hopefully with school involvement they might see how this is wrong but I wouldn't hold out for that.

Op's teen is at fault here, the other boys are too but anything like this can become Hot property whether its smut, like this or a video of someone breaking a limb. She shouldn't have took and sent the pictures and videos.
If she didn't she wouldn't be in this mess.

lesson learned methinks.

My DC are still primary age but we had a talk from the local police on internet safety, etc and they said they had dealt with similar cases at the local high school as the OP's and the result had usually been that they had had a word with any boys who had received such images, warning them that they could end up up on the sex offenders register if they passed indecent images of a minor on.

This does seem harsh on any boys who may have been sent images without asking for them (I have a DS as well as a DD) but if as the OP says there is one boy with a rep for this kind of thing it would be good for him to realise how much trouble his behaviour could get him into.

Much sympathy OP, your DD will have a learnt a very difficult lesson from all of this.

Boys will be boys eh? Well, if that's what you aspire to for your sons then...just keep them away from mine.

OP - this is horrendous, my onlyadvice is to keep compassion in your attitude to your daughter. She must be devestated - please don't let her know you are ashamed.

Viva - my boys are teenagers and I am damn sure that they wouldn't suggest to a girl that she sent them topless pictures, or give her the impression that they wouldn't like her if she didn't (or would, if she did), and they'd be horrified if a girl sent them such material unsolicited - and they know for damn sure how much trouble they'd be in with me and their father if they so much as showed such material to another person - so no, I don't think the boys are entirely innocent in this.

OP, no advice I can offer - just what a horrible situation for you and your DD to be in. I don't think you are over-reacting.

What I'm trying to say is they are all a bit innocent, yes. Young teens have little life experience, they have to learn the hard way. This is a prime example, We had a similar but worse situation with my dn a year ago.

It is very hurtful to go through this, but before you inform authorities speak to your daughter, ask if she wants police involvement, Involve her in this so she can see the weight of it.

She mush be a little insecure or maybe even gullible if she seeks approval from peers like this.

Yes, the possession and distribution of these images is an offence, due to the girl's age. I would go the school route, OP, and say that you are prepared to involve the police. This gives the best chance of stopping the passing on of the images, and hopefully will stop these boys 'pressuring' other girls as they did your daughter.

Once the immediate situation is dealt with, you need to look at sanctions and restrictions on her access to the phone etc, and ways of boosting her self-respect and confidence, which again the school might be able to reinforce. You can be cross and disappointed in her without compromising the message that you love her and that she is worth so much more than this.

Good luck- it must be an awful shock, but you will get through it and deal with it, I'm sure you will.

oh god OP that is absolutely AWFUL

your poor dd and those horrible, disgusting boys for egging her on to do it :(

i echo some other posters who suggest low self esteem in your dd, and it might be worth exploring that

i feel for both of you because as a teen i did some things i am ashamed of to do with trying to get boys to like me, (ie promiscuous behaviour, having sex too early etc) and i now know it was down to very poor self esteem which i am only really starting to get over now i have entered my 30's. and i wish i had got help earlier.

i have a dd (she is only 2) and stories like this make my blood run cold

You can either:

Ignore the fact that the pics and vid are out there. DD will have to brazen it out with your support at home. Think AF is right about counselling, but I think it's highly likely she's learned a massive lesson about trust already.

Or

You can get the school to help. It's risky given they will probably have to involve the police, but perhaps a little shock all round from a sympathetic PO might just be the best thing. It would ensure the vid is stopped in its tracks (assuming it hasnt been distributed) and might ensure your DD and the boys involved understand how serious what they have done is.

My God OP I feel for you, I can feel your anguish jumping from your OP. Good luck xx

OP, my heart goes out to you - what an awful situation. I think the advice above about contacting school/police is very good.

Viva - I find your attitude appalling, but thanks to the other mums of teenage boys who are willing to acknowkedge that the boys aren't entirely 'innocent' in this. Far from it...

Not all teenage boys are very well bought up though, you can't parent other peoples kids, just your own. I think the Op should concentrate on her own because, at the end of the day it her dd that she can shape and steer into the right direction.

My ds's aren't near this age yet but I wouldn't like it if they did this either, I would be mortified, actually I'd feel worse than that. It must be hugely disappointing to find out that your son has done something like this.

My point was if there were no photos or video there would be no problem.
The accountability lies with Op's dd.

OP, this sounds awful for you. I am writing as someone who did something similar to your daughter, worse I suppose but pre webcams etc and I know for a fact that my mum knew and did nothing about it and I felt very abandoned and really like to think that if my DD did something silmilar that I would have to take appropriate action being her mum and an adult. I know it must be horribly hard for all involved but you sound like a great mum. It sounds as if your DD knows she has made awful mistakes but I also think that the boys involved need action taken against them. Also agree some sort of counselling for your DD might help her. Good luck.

Good post LeBOF.

The OP has come on here, clearly distressed and seeking advice ... there is lots of constructive things that others have posted ... i think the debate that is going on should be restricted to another post, so that the OP can try and be supported on something that is clearly difficult for her.
I understand the issues being debated, but i dont think this is the place, as it feels unsupportive and out of place ....

I just wanted to sent the OP a hug, it sounds awful and I hope you will both be okay. Just thinking straight up, it may be sensible to get the school involved. Then as awful as it sounds , the boys can be spoken to at school, parents could be called in and maybe limitations can be done, for example, parents removing videos off computers, and with the threats of the police, the boys may be more likely to be open to removing everything. There is no point with this whole whos to blame issue, the damage has been done, and it could be rectified, but it does sound like you may need to move fast. I hope your daughter is okay, at least by preventing the video in its tracks, it could at least give her some reassurance that it wont go around the school.

How terrible for you all. I hope you manage talk to her to get her to realise that she is worth more than the narrow sexualised view of her that these immature boys have. I would also talk to the school so that they can deal with the boys involved.

To me the biggest problem here is loss of trust. I would be worried that she seems to have no respect for herself and is susceptible to peer pressure, to the degree that she would do anything to be popular. That is very worrying, the stakes are high, with unwanted pregnancy, STDS, drugs and lack of interest in school work or her future.

She needs to regain your trust gradually, but I would be severely restricting her use of technology to homework only, and giving her a basic phone with the camera lens blacked out with a marker pen. I would not trust her about where she was and would insist on checking on her whereabouts.

I have a 13 year old and I would be devastated we were in this situation.

Sorry, Viva - but it came across that you were condoning what the boys had done as normal and typical, and placing 100% of the blame at the girl's door, and that is wrong, imo. However, your latest post does clarify things a bit.

But I think it behoves all of us who are mothers of teenage boys to make it absolutely clear to them that it is unacceptable to ask for nude pictures or videos of girls, or to pressure girls into such pictures, or to show or distribute such pictures if sent them unsolicited. If this is typical teenage boy behaviour, it needs to be tackled, head on, and urgently. And not just by warning the boys of the consequences of such actions, but by teaching them to respect the girls and to care for them. Respect is key to all this, imo - the girls need confidence and self respect so they can tell anyone who attempts to pressure them into taking/sending such pictures/videos, where they can go, and the boys need to respect the girls so that they don't solicit or distribute such pictures because they know the pain and harm it will cause.

Viva - I find your attitude appalling, but thanks to the other mums of teenage boys who are willing to acknowkedge that the boys aren't entirely 'innocent' in this. Far from it...

You cant tar them all with the same brush though, Op can only really help her own child.So I'm appalling for suggesting that, when my family have been through similar?. Gfy, I find your attitude just as distasteful.

Well put SDT

charitygirl same right back at ya!

Do you have teenagers??

allthingspass

I can only tell you what I would do. Firstly I would make sure that her pc/laptop is moved to a shared room like the dining room or living room. Giving children access to the internet in their bedrooms is not a brilliant idea. You need to set parental controls on her pc so that this can never happen again. Tell her why you are doing it too. She has broken your trust and mis-used the pc, so now she has to be watched carefully.

Secondly you need to tell the school. If these boys have done it to another girl and now your dd then who is next? They are bullies and at worst, sexual predators in the making. The only way to stop them is to get the school involved and haul these boys to the head's office. If the school say the police need to be involved then so be it.

Thing is, you are the adult here and she is the child. Of course she doesn't want to involve the school as she thinks that then, everyone will know. But everyone knows already don't they? Apart from the people who should know, which are the teachers and the police if necessary. You need to do what is best, even if that means going above her wishes. As the adult, you need to take control of this situation and make sure that it never happens again.

You also need to chat with her about how this all started and why. If she is suffering from low self esteem then perhaps a chat with your GP with regards to counselling might be helpful? Does her father take an interest in her? What is her family background?

This does need some serious action because what if those boys had been older? What if she was being groomed? What if she had been coerced into sex? This leaves her very vulnerable.

I personally would take her out of school until you have spoken to the Head and decided what to do next. I would even consider moving schools to spare her embarrassment (since all the kids know) and to give her a new start and new opportunities, otherwise this will be hanging over her until she leaves. If the video gets out, God knows what bullying she'd be subject to!

I doubt very much that the boys will have deleted the pics and the video. I don't know how you go about this but I'm sure that keeping explicit pictures and videos of children is against the law no matter how old you are. So the police may well have a right to seize their phones and laptops. By taking this action you are showing the boys the seriousness of their actions and you are ensuring that they think twice before doing it to some other poor girl.

So please, take control and act.

As someone that works in partnership (sometimes) wtih those in the child protection sector I'm afraid you really do need to go to the school about this, and then they may contact the police.
The point is that your daughter sent (foolishly obviously) sent these pictures out. REgardless of whether the boys involved did or didn't ask for them, if they have re-sent them out to anyone else then they are distributing sexually explicit pictures and there are consequences to that behaviour.
OP, I think it's really fantastic that your daughter was able to confide in you about the initial topless photos but brace yourself for her being very angry about you going and looking for further evidence. I'm not saying you were in the wrong (far from it!) but irrespective of that, she's going to be pretty furious. So, I suggest a.s.a.p that you talk to her, explain that you did it out of concern about her and be clear about what actions are going to come next and why. She might be in for a hellish couple of months but if you make it clear that you're going to be there supporting her every step of the way then you can come through it together.
So sorry for you............

Thank you everyone for your messages.

As far as I know the video was sent at around the same time as the photos, which was a couple of months ago, long before the gossip started. I am certainly not saying that this is all the boys fault; DD knew what she was doing and what the consequences could be - or at least she should have as I have spoken to her about it several times in the past as a warning. So yes she made a really stupid decision and believe me she is living with the consequences. However she did not volunteer this, the boys pressured her into it, so they are not blameless either. I have a 14 year old DS too (DD's twin brother - imagine what he is going through at school as well) and I know what boys can be like, however the vast majority have enough respect and compassion not to do things like this, they see girls as people rather than objects. It is not helpful to generalise, or apportion blame. What has happened has happened, I can't change it but I was hoping that somebody else might have experienced something similar and be able to offer some constuctive advice about the best way to handle it.

Thanks again, to all those who tried to help.