I don't know what to do - 14 year old DD's explicit video

[allthingspass]

I have been reading other threads under this topic and I'm hoping that someone will have had a similar experience to me and be able to give me some advice.

My 14 year old DD informed me a couple of weeks ago that she had sent some topless photos of herself to a couple of boys at school. She was very upset and knew she had done a stupid thing, her excuse was that she felt pressured by the boys because she thought they wouldn't like her if she didn't. Says a lot for her self-esteem, right? It wasn't even a BF!! She had confided in a friend whom she trusted, who had then betrayed her by telling everyone at school, with the consequence that she is now the subject of bitchiness and name calling. She is absolutely distraught. It gets worse however. I found out yesterday (by snooping on her bbm) that she also sent a video of herself 'fingering' herself (I assume that means masturbating) to the same boys. I can scarcely believe it, I feel sick when I think about it. As far as I know these boys have not shown the photos etc to anyone. DD thinks they have deleted them, but how can we know that? She doesn't know yet that I know about the video, I'm not surprised that she didn't want to tell me, but it would have been easier to deal with if I'd known the whole truth from the start.

I don't know what to do. I haven't spoken to the school as yet, at DD's request, and I don't know if I should. What can they do? I know one of the boys involved has done almost the same thing to another girl, bullying her to take her top off on skype and then photographing her and showing the photos to people. If he were a few years older this would be a police matter, and I wonder whether someone shouldn't do something about this boy before he gets any worse.

DD is otherwise a typical teenager - moody at times but basically a good kid. I just don't understand what lead her to do this, or how to move on from here. I love her to bits but at the moment I feel really hurt and ashamed by her actions. I am trying to be supportive and loving, but it's really stressful. I can't sleep and I feel sick most of the time, and every time I think about it I want to cry - not helpful when you're at work!

Am I over-reacting? Can anyone help me please? Sorry this is such a long message!

*Surely this poor girl and the boys involved need to share responsibilty here. But I would say that they all need education more than punishment. They probably have no idea of the huge implications this situation could lead to.

I work in a secondary school and I know they would consider this a very serious situation and it needs to be dealt with in a sensitive manner - and this may well mean involving the police. But stopping this video from being distributed any further would be my priority at the moment.

I would be very surprised if these boys have not told anyone - they are teenagers FGS. I don't think they realise what damage they could do to this girl but their behaviour is unacceptable and they need to understand how much trouble they potentially could end up in.*

Agree with all of this. I taught teenagers for years. The developing teenage brain seems to make them do things which appear utterly inexplicable to adults. I expect the school will be less surprised and more helpful than you might imagine.

The school needs to know as this is an area which should be included in lessons about personal and internet safety and they might want to check the extent and efficacy of their provision in this area. They will also be able to help with discussion and counselling and will be less emotionally involved than you.

I feel strongly that teenagers always have, always will engage in very risky behaviour but I am very concerned that the ubiquity and apparent acceptability of porn-influenced culture in society skews their idea of what is ok and the internet makes a record of their mistakes. I'd say it is time to discuss sexual behaviour in society and the difference between real relationships and those on the internet. This is something which is done in sex education at my dcs school and something for which I am grateful.

I think what I am trying to say is that although I think this should be dealt with through formal channels, starting with school, this will pass and while not forgotten will not seem so serious before too long. Don't keep her home unless developments mean it beomes unbearable for her to go. Try to steer a course between taking it seriously and not trivialising sexual conduct and not allowing her to feel she has done something for which she is forever shamed. She is not.

PS, check that she really did send a video and this is not some kind of febrile story that has escalated - that is possible.

Some really useful advice on this thread.

Rhubarb's post was great.

It may already be a police matter, but you need to be careful. I am pretty sure I have read that this can equate to distributing child pornography. Which, by the sounds of it, both your daughter & these boys are guilty of.

And the boys are guilty of possessing child pornography, too!

So sorry this is happening to you & your daughter!

Have the boys actually distributed the pics and video??

Because I haven't read that........ The only distributing the op has actually mentioned so far, is her dd's best friend spreading the gossip around school........after the dd had confided in her and asked her to keep it secret

The OP found the video on her dd's phone I think and saw that it had been sent to one of these boys.
Two boys are involved from what I can gather, one of them has already done this to another girl and has shown the photos he received from her, to his friends so I guess you could class that as distribution. If he has already done that to one girl then it seems unlikely that he would not do so in this case.

The OP's dd does not know that her mother has seen the video. So my concern is that this could only be the tip of the iceberg and there could well be another reason why her dd doesn't want her going to the school. Her dd has said that her bf started the gossip about her doing this, but her mother only has her word for it that this is what has gone on.

I think the school do need to be involved to ascertain the facts of what has actually happened. The boys and the dd's best friend need to tell their sides as this is a bullying issue if nothing else. Then the photos and video need to be deleted before they are distributed as it is illegal to keep explicit material of minors.

As this has happened before to another child, then it is vital that the mother does take action to stop it from happening again. I know the girl doesn't want that, but sometimes you have to do what you know is best, as an adult. The girl would not have confided in her mother if she didn't want help of some kind. I do think it is the parents responsibility in this case, to inform the school of what has happened and let them sort it out as they see fit. To do nothing would potentially put other girls at risk of also being targeted and I'm sure that neither the OP nor her dd wants any other girl to experience the torture that this family are currently going through.

OP, how are things ?