I don't know what to do - 14 year old DD's explicit video

[allthingspass]

I have been reading other threads under this topic and I'm hoping that someone will have had a similar experience to me and be able to give me some advice.

My 14 year old DD informed me a couple of weeks ago that she had sent some topless photos of herself to a couple of boys at school. She was very upset and knew she had done a stupid thing, her excuse was that she felt pressured by the boys because she thought they wouldn't like her if she didn't. Says a lot for her self-esteem, right? It wasn't even a BF!! She had confided in a friend whom she trusted, who had then betrayed her by telling everyone at school, with the consequence that she is now the subject of bitchiness and name calling. She is absolutely distraught. It gets worse however. I found out yesterday (by snooping on her bbm) that she also sent a video of herself 'fingering' herself (I assume that means masturbating) to the same boys. I can scarcely believe it, I feel sick when I think about it. As far as I know these boys have not shown the photos etc to anyone. DD thinks they have deleted them, but how can we know that? She doesn't know yet that I know about the video, I'm not surprised that she didn't want to tell me, but it would have been easier to deal with if I'd known the whole truth from the start.

I don't know what to do. I haven't spoken to the school as yet, at DD's request, and I don't know if I should. What can they do? I know one of the boys involved has done almost the same thing to another girl, bullying her to take her top off on skype and then photographing her and showing the photos to people. If he were a few years older this would be a police matter, and I wonder whether someone shouldn't do something about this boy before he gets any worse.

DD is otherwise a typical teenager - moody at times but basically a good kid. I just don't understand what lead her to do this, or how to move on from here. I love her to bits but at the moment I feel really hurt and ashamed by her actions. I am trying to be supportive and loving, but it's really stressful. I can't sleep and I feel sick most of the time, and every time I think about it I want to cry - not helpful when you're at work!

Am I over-reacting? Can anyone help me please? Sorry this is such a long message!

It is likely it would follow her to another school anyway. With Facebook and everyone knowing someone's brother/sister/cousin, it's likely it would pick up a few extra strands to it to add a bit more interest for the gossipmongers.

This happened a while back, I guess she has been through the worst of it by now?

It sounds to me from the op original post, that things were quiet until her dd,s friend betrayed her confidence and it was that gossip that spread, rather than the actual evidence itself, iykwim.

Op, I would be sure to include in your talks a discussion about how she feels about her friend choosing juicy gossip opportunity over her confiding, and maybe a discussion about trust, friendship among girls etc is needed too as well as action re the boys involved. Girls can be just as bad as boys at destroying someone's self esteem!

But her poor brother! Feel for him too.

I totally agree with anyfucker - I would keep her off school until this is sorted, tbh. This isn't just a mild bit of smut, this is mortifying and disturbing.

I ageree approach the school and let them know - I am sure they will take it seriously. And also look at some counselling to get to the root of what must be her appallingly low self esteem.

Horrible situation, really feel for you and your dd.

I think that the boys' parents should be made aware of this. I'd definately want to be told,were it one of my sons involved.

I agree and I did say that it was what I would do personally. But that is because I know my dd and I know that something like that would destroy her unless I took her away from it. Although I do usually advocate facing up to any consequences and riding out the storm.

It wouldn't be an immediate reponse, just a consideration if the school didn't take it seriously, or the bullying increased, or dd had a breakdown.

This happened a few weeks back yes, but the OP only has her dd's word for it that her best friend spread rumours around the school. What if her dd doesn't want her mother to contact the school because she knows that the video has been shown to others? That could be a reason why she has told her mother now and blamed it on a friend?

When something this serious has happened my first priority would be to find out the facts so that I would know where everyone stood. One of the boys involved has done this to another girl and he showed those pictures to everyone, so why would he not do the same now?

I think there is more to this than meets the eye and OP, you really need to have a serious heart to heart with your dd and arrange a meeting at the school.

Re; the gossip

I think children gossip sometimes in the hope that it will be heard by adults - you know, the usual so-an-so sis this at a party etc etc

They are asking for adults to intervene and that is exactly what is required right now.

I think op son, who is in same year group, would have come forward by now if a video of his sister was doing the rounds

Grooming is illegal. If these boys pressured your daughter into making sexually explicit pictures or a video, then they've possibly committed a crime.

I think you should report this to the police.

Allthings, this is awful. If a teenage son of mine pressurised a girl thus I would want to know about it. Report the matter to the headteacher and the police. You might find the head teacher regards it as an 'out of hours' matter but nevertheless... I would not approach the parents of the boys involved.

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/aug/07/sexting-teenagers-mobile-phones

www.cybermentors.org.uk/ - for your daughter

some of you may find this report useful to help you understand why young people do what they do
webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20100418065544/homeoffice.gov.uk/documents/sexualisation-young-people.html
I have a similar problem with my DSD who at 14 is posting sexually provocative photos of herself online which I fear her parents are unaware of and Im in a 'damned if I do and damned if I don't' get involved situation

Shame you cannot use a different computer (perhaps a friend's?) and drop her parents an anonymous note to warn them.

Surely this poor girl and the boys involved need to share responsibilty here. But I would say that they all need education more than punishment. They probably have no idea of the huge implications this situation could lead to.

I work in a secondary school and I know they would consider this a very serious situation and it needs to be dealt with in a sensitive manner - and this may well mean involving the police. But stopping this video from being distributed any further would be my priority at the moment.

I would be very surprised if these boys have not told anyone - they are teenagers FGS. I don't think they realise what damage they could do to this girl but their behaviour is unacceptable and they need to understand how much trouble they potentially could end up in.

Your DD probably needs you more now then ever and as other posters have said, low self esteem sounds like the root of her problems. Its just so
sad that some girls feel that pleasing a boy/man is the way to be liked/loved.
You both need support through this all and somebody at school should be able to provide it or at least point you in the right direction.

Good luck OP, my thoughta are with you.

I have a teenage son, and if it were my son who had done this, I would want the girl's parents to inform the school. I would want to know about it, and I would want myself and the school or the police to talk to my son.

At this point, it may well be that these images have not been circulated. Adult intervention at this may point may prevent the boy who received the images and other boys being informed of the seriousness of the issue before they commit the offence of distributing child pornography. It is far better to intervene now rather than leave it.

There is also the issue of it being sent between computers at some point which of course would have the boy's parent's IP address and then develops into an issue of the parents potentially being investigated for distributing child pornography if it is not clear to the police who is passing these images on.

I also think parents need to think very carefully about their teenage sons sending images of adult pornography to each other from home computers; someone else's child is then being supplied with pornography from your IP address. I think people forget with all the pro porn arguments and how normal it is, that although they are teenagers we are still talking about children here, and there are legal and social services issues. We should all be concerning ourselves with this, and not thinking the OP's situation is somehow exceptional and not going to happen to our sons and daughters.

allthingspass - the almost exact same thing happened at my dd's school with one of her friends. She sent a video of herself masturbating to some boys. Unfortunately the video spread around the school and eventually the teachers got wind of it. They confiscated the girls phone and the police were called in. They confiscated the phones of the boys who originally had the video sent to them. They were interviewed by the police and left in no doubt that they could be prosecuted for spreading the video.
The girl received counselling and the whole year had an assembly to talk about sending images etc.
She is still at the school. It took a while for all the teasing to stop but dd and her other friends really stood by her and had a go at people when they teased her.
It has been just over a year now since it happened and tbh it is now forgotten and she has settled back in well.
It was all a bit awful at the time but now it is all over and things are good again.
If I were you I would tell your daughter that you have to inform the school so that they can try to put a stop to these kinds of photos being spread. Good luckx

Oh allthings my heart goes out to you all, what an awful situation. There's some brilliant advice here. For myself i would go for speaking to the school and getting the police informed. I think stopping these images from spreading is really important.

A clean cut, get it all out in the open (so as to speak) with the school, rather than let it fester on and on for you dd and ds.

Wish i could turn the clock back for you all.

Sorry I havent read everything but have you spoken to her brother to find out what he knows to see if it is still around?

If it was me I would bury it and wait for it to go away. Bringing in school, the boys, other parents, the police. It will make a bad situation even worse. I am sure your daughter has learned her lesson a hundred times over.

Look at other schools if you need to and she can always deny any accusations, incredible things can be done with video and photos these days to make things appear different to what they are.

My son recently changed schools for 6th form, only a couple of miles away. No big reason but the change in him is incredible (in a good way). I wish you good luck.

off google:

"By sending indecent pictures of a person under 18 on to someone else you could be breaking the law.

If a teenager were to have in their possession an indecent image of another minor, they would technically be in possession of an indecent image of a child, which is an offence under the Protection of Children Act 1978 and the Criminal Justice Act 1988."

Whqt if this happens again with another girl? What if the police discover a cache of pictures, knock on op's door and ask why she didn't report it? What if that video turns up on the internet and police ID op's DD? They will want to know how video was made and distributed. The family will be under suspicion.

They must go to the school so it is dealt with properly. You cannot sweep this under the carpet.

I just said if it was me and my child I would.

i suspect that the OPs dd told her because she feels she can trust her not to do that but to listen and inform and work it through 'with' her. if you really feel school, police etc should be involved then encourage your dd and tell her you'll support her through it etc but i'd really rather she made the final call because that trust she's shown you in telling you is precious and it would be a shame to smash that by taking away all of her control over this iyswim.

hope you can talk to it and come to an agreement and plan of action together and some back up plans. maybe your dd has a teacher she particularly trusts who she'd feel able to talk to? though you'd have to forewarn her that the teacher would be forced to report it onwards under her duty of care. but if it was a teacher she trusted and who had some authority in the school so could oversee how things were implemented and hand hold your dd through the process that could be a good solution.

i feel for you OP - innocence lost and all that - hard to not feel very disappointed with and shocked at her i'm guessing.

I think that is very sound advice. Unfortunately the outcome that you may want in a situation like this is maybe not the one you will get. The stress, trauma and embarrassment for your DD will continue for a long time and an awful lot more people would find out about it than currently know.

Many thanks to everyone for your advice and support. It has made a big difference to me, I feel much better today, and stronger!!

I have teenage boys and trust me when I say your dd isnt the only one who does this .....my sons have received several of these type of videos on their phone and photos of girls too - we spoke to the boys and told them its illegal to have these and to delete them asap when they received them also to watch them with friends could get them in trouble and to understand that a girl has either a deep trust of someone to send him that footage and he has abused that trust or that she is in a difficult position emotionally and feels that sending that pic will 'win' her popularity.

I dont think with the ease of 'real porn' available with models and proper filming and lighting that your dds film is anything worth keeping on a phone but I do think your DD needs to find a way of coming back into school life and social life - can you help her develop a 'so what?' tactic? it could be the more she plays it down and doesnt care about it the less fuss will be made,teenagers are really dramatic and I speak from experience that what is absolute hot gossip one day will be a 'what was that girl called?' moment in a few months.

Imay be really off the mark here but is there any way you can temporarily boost your dds esteem with a new haircut or shoes etc ?? and perhaps now is a good time to discuss with her safe sex and stuff.

On a personal level ds2 has a girlfriend a totally dreadful girl (for many reasons) has done far worse than this and seems to be ok now the dust has settled.