I don't know what to do - 14 year old DD's explicit video

[allthingspass]

I have been reading other threads under this topic and I'm hoping that someone will have had a similar experience to me and be able to give me some advice.

My 14 year old DD informed me a couple of weeks ago that she had sent some topless photos of herself to a couple of boys at school. She was very upset and knew she had done a stupid thing, her excuse was that she felt pressured by the boys because she thought they wouldn't like her if she didn't. Says a lot for her self-esteem, right? It wasn't even a BF!! She had confided in a friend whom she trusted, who had then betrayed her by telling everyone at school, with the consequence that she is now the subject of bitchiness and name calling. She is absolutely distraught. It gets worse however. I found out yesterday (by snooping on her bbm) that she also sent a video of herself 'fingering' herself (I assume that means masturbating) to the same boys. I can scarcely believe it, I feel sick when I think about it. As far as I know these boys have not shown the photos etc to anyone. DD thinks they have deleted them, but how can we know that? She doesn't know yet that I know about the video, I'm not surprised that she didn't want to tell me, but it would have been easier to deal with if I'd known the whole truth from the start.

I don't know what to do. I haven't spoken to the school as yet, at DD's request, and I don't know if I should. What can they do? I know one of the boys involved has done almost the same thing to another girl, bullying her to take her top off on skype and then photographing her and showing the photos to people. If he were a few years older this would be a police matter, and I wonder whether someone shouldn't do something about this boy before he gets any worse.

DD is otherwise a typical teenager - moody at times but basically a good kid. I just don't understand what lead her to do this, or how to move on from here. I love her to bits but at the moment I feel really hurt and ashamed by her actions. I am trying to be supportive and loving, but it's really stressful. I can't sleep and I feel sick most of the time, and every time I think about it I want to cry - not helpful when you're at work!

Am I over-reacting? Can anyone help me please? Sorry this is such a long message!

Yes I agree that the girl involved also need to face up to the consequences and I think the consequences at the moment are far harshier for her whereas the boys are getting away scot free. They need to be pulled up and told in no uncertain terms how serious this is.

Parents also need to take responsibility. Parental controls are there for a reason, if you cannot set them then ask someone else to. Don't let them have their pc/laptops in their rooms. Keep all computers in a shared part of the house so that you, as parents, know what your child is doing at all times.

Restrictions can also be placed on phones and personally I would put them on a PAYG scheme so that images uploaded and texts sent cost money. Giving them unlimited access isn't really necessary.

Parents should talk to their kids about sex, respect and the law. Every child should have the number of Childline written down somewhere in case they feel they can't talk to their parents. But when a child is coerced into sending such explicit pictures and videos and another child is doing the coercing, I do wonder what is going on in their home lives.

I believe, OP, that far from trying you have been offered some constructive advice by Dotty and others. It's up to you whether or not you take it.

oh god, poor op and your poor dd :( i agree that the school needs to be involved and then they can speak to the other children involved (boys and girls) and their parents.

also the school may have some kind of mentoring system so they can help support your dd?

i agree there need to be strict rules about pc, internet use etc and keep tabs on her phone etc.

i have boys, eldest in high school and a dd, i would be mortified if this happened to my dd AND if my sons ever recieved pics/films like this via phone/email whatever i would EXPECT them to tell me and i would then report the matter to the school and delete them. oh and if one of my boys ever sent pictures/forwarded on pictures like this then 'strong words' would be had and that is an understatement.

i get that teens do stupid things and they dont always fully understand the consequences, tbh i worry hugely for boys and girls growing up now when porn etc is so mainstream, easily accesible and seen as normal. i think there is a huge amount of pressure on teens because of this and the media industry and they are getting a very distorted view on what is 'normal' and acceptable, it worries me :(

i really hope you talk to the school and they can help you resolve this issue.

The boys will not get away scot free when this is reported. Believe me, they will be in deep trouble. OP's dd is a minor and this will be taken very seriously indeed, despite the circumstances.

and what rhubarb has said.

Er - you've had some very constructive advice here!

Despite your assertion that the boys pressured her into it, unless they were actually standing over her at the time, she made the choice to make those videos and send them.

And please don't say things like 'I know what boys can be like' as that is a very offensive and sexist statement.

Rhubarb's post is a very good one. You have to take control here. You have to make sure that those videos have been deleted, which means you have to go to the school to get them to help you. And bring the police in if you need to.

Personally I would also consider taking her phone away from her for a while.

OP, I am getting the impression you are not going to take this any further

is that the case ?

I would just say first of all and probably most importantly that you should tell your DD that you know about all of it and also that you want to help and support her. I wouldn't tell her your are disappointed, I would speak to her about how you can move forwards. There are 2 issues to move forwards with:

1. Her personal feelings/self esteem.
2. The deletion and stopping circulation as far as possible.

Regarding point 1: It is clear that she did this to gain the approval of boys (this is not to suggest they are at fault) and to be popular with them. I think it is a pretty straightforward set of emotions for her to be feeling and she just took things too far with the video and photos. Perhaps you can have a talk with her about this and talk about learning from it - that she must respect herself and she is a nice person. She must feel absolutely awful and humiliated but you can reassure her that this will not affect her for her entire life, it will pass.

Regarding point 2: It may be possible to get the school to say in assembly or something, or to individual classes that storing and distributing images of underage children is illegal and if anyone has any, they must delete immediately and if they don't and they are caught, the school will inform the police.

Op

Go to the school. Let them deal with it from there. Ask them what help/ support is there for your Dd.

The school needs to let the children know how damaging and serious this behaviour is.

You need to let them know what is happening - also to let the parents of the boys involved deal with their behaviour too.

She is a teenager NOT an adult and even adults make mistakes. Keep talking, to school and her. She can learn a lot from this and sounds like some others need to learn a few things too. I really feel for you and your daughter. Virtual hugs sent.

I have to say that I know how it feels to be excluded at school - I was bullied all the way through secondary school, both verbally and by being excluded. I had, at the most, three friends, and my school days were desperately miserable - I was contemplating suicide when I was 14. Thankfully I was never in the situation that the OP's dd was in - of it being suggested that some sort of sexual favour would ensure my acceptance - so I don't know how I would have reacted - but I can really empathise with the desperation to be accepted and to fit in, and I can understand why that would make her make such a poor decision - and my heart goes out to her, and to you, OP.

yes waht norman tebbit said th eboys parents need to know so they can deal with their sons. i would want the school to inform me if any of my boys were found in possession of images/videos like this.

And the video/ pics need to be deleted - although they will always be out there somewhere in cyberspace now.

You have a responsibility to the boys involved too - they need to know how serious this is, their parents need to know what is happening. These are after all, children we are talking about. They need adults to set boundaries.

Apart from the suggestion of moving schools/not attending, which I feel is an over-reaction and very disruptive, I think the practical suggestions are good, solid advice. I do have some experience of procedures in this, as a situation arose in my teenage daughter's school, and the school will more than likely know exactly how to handle this: sadly, the situation is not unusual.

Make a call to the Head Of Year this afternoon, and an appointment to go in and develop a plan. It is rather urgent, unfortunately, because of the chance of the images proliferating the longer you delay. Then you can in tandem look at Internet safety talks with the school, and some mentoring or a pastoral care strategy for your daughter.

I do agree that this needs to be taken further. If these boys have pressured the OP's dd into doing this, and have succeeded, they may try again - and if one of my dses was doing this, I would want to know so that I could deal with it swiftly and properly.

Thanks again for all the messages, obviously this issue has stirred up some strong feelings. AF, I came on to mumsnet hoping for support and advice, both of which I have received and I really appreciate. I am still reeling from what has happened and I need to think things through a bit more and talk to DD, DS and DH before deciding what to do. However the consensus seems to be that I should contact the school, and I think that is probably right, it is probably what I would say to someone else in my position.

I will be taking this further, I have to - doing nothing is not an option - but exactly how is still to be decided.

Good luck- this too shall pass!

• Monitor DD's phone and internet use. This is not just for preventing future misuse but also and more importantly for shielding her from the internet bullying and nasty sms that she may be getting.

• Please contact the school. They have an equal interest in your daughter's well being and are quite experienced in dealing with similar situations. They will have a much better idea about the group dynamics in your DD's class as well

• Be very very conscious and aware of any change in your DD's behaviour. She is extremely stressed right now and may do something rash and harm herself.

• Try to get your DD to see a counseller. She may not open up in front of you regarding her insecurities, low self esteem and sexuality.

• Consider all the options in front you - even changing schools.

I am glad to hear you are taking action

It's likely the school have dealt with this before...it's certainly happened in my dc school

What's happening with her 'friend' , because it seemed like it was over and done with and the boys had stayed quiet...... Til the friend started spreading it all round school. Do you know her well?

I think you need to speak with school.

they then need to bring the boys in and get the video deleted in front of a teacher.

With a very stern warning that as your DD is under age, if they pass the video on they are committing crimes involving child pornography and can land themselves on the sex offenders register for life.

School will also need to inform their parents. These boys are bullying young girls into performing sexual acts. This is a dangerous precedent to set. But be prepared for counter accusations from the boys. What they say to defend themselves will probably be very upsetting to hear.

The rest is a storm she will have to ride im afraid. She has been silly and girls will call her nasty names, But eventually someone else will do something equally gossip worthy and her torment will pass.

Very best of luck with it all. it sounds horrific to have to face all of this.
I hope your daughter learns a very difficult lesson about respecting her body and to trust those she shares it with.

LeBof, the reason I advised this is because her dd must be experiencing some horrendous bullying right now and must be going out of her mind with worry regarding the video - or perhaps it has been released and the only reason she told the OP was because she can take the bullying no more?

So just until I had spoken to the school, I would keep her off as it gives her parents the time they need to sit and talk to her about this and the actions they can take as a family. Her dd also gets some breathing space.

I was bullied at school too but I cannot imagine how it must feel to have topless pictures of yourself being circulated along with, possibly, a video. It must be hell on earth. So for my dd, yes I would consider moving schools if she felt she really couldn't handle it. Although I would encourage her to face up to them all as she needs to take that responsibility for her actions.

I'm pleased the OP is to talk to the school but she still sounds very unsure and uncertain how to handle it. I can understand her main priorities would be to protect her dd, but she also has a responsibility as an adult and she needs to be firm and serious about this. This must not be allowed to happen again to any other girl at that school.

And I sincerely hope that the family reassess things like mobile phones and computer access and that they also address the issues that their dd has so that she is not so easily coerced in the future.

Can i also suggest that since she will be unlikely to want to venture out much at the moment, your daughter spends some time reading some feminist literature about porn and the sexualisation of women.

I would have kept my dd off school until it was sorted out too

I absolutely dread to imagine what she is facing, right now < shudders >

Which is why, if I knew this, I would be up to that school like the wind, if only to get the damage-limitation underway ASAP

the school cannot act on behalf of your daughter's welfare, until they are informed

Yes, it must be awful, and I guess that each situation must be taken on its merits, but that wouldn't be the first thing that I'd want to consider in this situation at this point, that's what I mean. These things do happen at some point in many schools, and there's a value in riding difficult situations out, I think, especially where education might be disrupted. Withdrawing from school and transferring as an immediate response is jumping the gun, I feel. Facing up to the bullying and squashing it with the school's help is obviously preferable: it will be yesterday's news soon enough if the girl is supported properly.