Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

My DD is 12, I really cannot imagine that in 6 years time I'd say to her she couldn't live with us if that's what she wanted to do, whatever the circumstances.

'WWYD ? Look after the baby as much as DD wanted me to.'
Then more fool you Juggling. Op has her own dependant child and life to worry about. I would never expect my parents to look after dc I chose to have.

I felt the same when we found out my dsd was pregnant. Her 17th birthday was May and the baby was born in August. The initial shock and disappointment can drive you mad if you let it. But it does fade. Dsd is doing a fantastic job as a mum. She has taken time out from college so she can exclusively bf (she's a natural) and wakes up without complaint every night. Actually, she never moans about how hard it is and is caring for her daughter fantastically well. We are really proud of her.

We have always been 100% honest with dsd. So, when we were disappointed, we told her. Likewise when we thought she'd messed up her life. We were, naturally, more tactful than just coming out with that! It was cathartic for all sides. For us, we got our feelings out and dealt with, for her, she was able to show us how carefully she was planning everything and how mature she was being. From that, we all moved on and were able to support her with all our hearts.

Perhaps this is not the best way to tackle this, but it worked beautifully for our family. You need to accept and acknowledge your feelings then deal with them. This isn't about you and how you feel. She is your daughter and will need your support as no matter how brave a face she puts on, she will be terrified at times.

Good luck to you, your daughter and your family and congratulations. If I was or can be any help at all, feel free to pm me.

My life includes my children's lives fuckity

I don't have a cut off point where they stop being able to depend on me.

I'm happy to be a fool for love.

As long as I know how to love I know I will survive ...

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe I asked her what she intended to do. She is well aware of her options in that respect.

She intends to keep the baby. I think the idea of getting rid of it is so alien to her that actually, she would probably never get over it.

I'm not saying there's a cut off point. I'm not sure what my opinion would be if the dd was still living at home. But the fact is she's already moved out. At what point would you feel you were being taken advantage of in that situation juggling? If you gave your child the go ahead to leave their dc with you whenever they wanted, it woul cause resentment eventually. Nothing to do with not loving them.

I don't think it would necessarily cause resentment fuckity

I don't agree with you there.

I think there could be lots of creative solutions arrived at through talking things over in a positive way, and bringing up the baby together.

I think all this negativity is a bit 1950s

It sounds like she's going to have to reevaluate her life big time. I have a strong idea where she's at college and can understand her not been able to complete the course.

I used to work with pregnant teenagers and it doesn't have to be the end of the world. I've seen some carry on with degree courses, etc but I've also seen others do nothing apart from end up in a council flat struggling to get by.

If she's determined to keep this baby then she needs to make a plan about what she can do. Look into other courses, etc. Her area may have a specialist teenage midwife who can advise her, if not see if there is still a Connexions service in her area as they can also help. There used to be and may still be a benefit called care to learn, which provides free childcare for teenagers in education. I think the cut off may be 19 though so by the time the baby is horn she may be nearing that. Might be 20 though, not sure but find out about it.

I can understand the op's sadness and frustration, though.

When you become a parent you hope that your children will only be truly dependent on you for a finite amount of time. A huge part of parenting is to bring up your children to the point where they can stand confidently on their own two feet and make their own lives for themselves. And, after that has happened, most people I am sure would hope to have some sort of autonomy back in their lives. To have that particular rug pulled out from under you by not only a dependent adult but also a baby - it could be disappointing, frustrating and depressing. I don't see why op shouldn't be allowed to express that without being judged for her negative attitude.

It's not 1950s at all.

I think, if people were honest, that no one would be seeing this as an ideal situation. Your DD is 12 and you cannot imagine......no you cannot imagine how this feels. I could not imagine how it would feel either. But now I know.

When I got pregnant at 18 my parents threw me out. In time they came around and accepted it. I never imagined how they felt, how disappointed they were. I also never imagined how hard it would be.

Some will say, what goes around comes around. Maybe that's so. I obviously did such a good job with my wonderful son, who I never regret, and was lucky enough to find a lovely man who took us both on. We had two more DCs together.

But I stress the lucky part. I also stress that I had a career before and after having DCs and was able to support myself financially.

I totally respect everyone's opinions. I did not expect such a huge response. Foolserrand has said she felt the same initially. So I am not going to beat myself up about feeling how I do at the moment.

No, you shouldn't beat yourself up at all. Your feelings are perfectly valid. I'd be upset and disappointed as well.

I agree wholeheartedly with bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe. Let OP rant and stop being holier than thou.
Those with 12 year olds cannot imagine the angst caused by 'special' teenagers (that is what I call my problem child). You DO feel sometimes that you have just had enough and want your life back. When yet another issue threatens to mess up any semblance of independent life they may build and you get drawn back into their messed up world, it is very difficult to look at the situation rationally.

I think what you need by the sound of it is some sleep! Good luck getting some tonight to make up for last night. All the best xx

me too. I can imagine how you must be feeling and worrying about all this. I cannot think of any good advice on how it could be tackled and I cannot promise you it will work out alright. You have my understanding though, I can imagine you are very, very upset.

No-one wants you to beat yourself up about how you're feeling.

But maybe challenge you a bit on where you all go from here.

What do you mean by you dont regret your wonderful son?-do you regret your daughter then?-if so then please try and not show this.

I think I have read threads by you before about your dh and his attitude to your dd. Imo thats probably a big factor in her getting pregnant-somone to love when she is obviously not getting at home.

Please remember she is your child-I had a mum who put a man before her kids. It has effected my life immensely.

Thanks vivalebeaver. We will look into these things when everything has calmed down. Dd is 200 miles away from where we live. Her boyfriend is triangularly 200 miles from here too but 100 miles from where she is. Complicated?

Yes re-evaluation is the word. Actually this course has been HER dream since she was 9 years old. She has worked constantly towards being that thing all this time ( with the occasional slip up) I have always supported her in becoming what she wanted to be, and shared her joy, tears etc in her struggle to get there.

So it is not disappointment IN her but FOR her.

Well the course obviously didnt mean that much to her or she wouldnt be choosing to have the child.

she will have to leave the course as soon as she informs them she is pregnant?

I should think that there is quite a big part of her that is upset and disappointed as well. Just because she is keeping the baby doesn't mean that she won't be devastated by what she is losing. Has she spoken to her personal tutor at all to see if there is anything that could be done?

If she could stay on the course as long as she could and then even if after the birth she can't go back it's something. If she then does a course at the local college to get a similar qualification then it would look good on her cv, in interviews if she could say well I did 9 months at x college. Though of course the career area that I suspect the course is in isn't going to be the easiest with a child of her own even if she gets the qualifications.

What is this mystery dream occupation anyway ??

There was some talk it might be becoming a nanny. If so I have to say I didn't find looking after other people's children that much different to looking after my own (when I was a nanny) Certainly not better !

Look it was just her dream occupation.

Certainly not everybody's idea of a dream job. But hers non the less.

It was your talk of her ruining her partner's life that bothered me. He who left all the contraceptive responsibility to your teenage DD? Really???

Has your DD at any point said that you will be given the responsibility that you fear so much? Or is she in fact having this baby because she is it's mother?

I would like to wish your DD all the luck in the world, she is going to need it

My dream job is a fairly modest one, I'm not knocking that.

But perhaps some flexibility is called for, at least in the light of recent developments.

"We have always been 100% honest with dsd. So, when we were disappointed, we told her. Likewise when we thought she'd messed up her life. We were, naturally, more tactful than just coming out with that! It was cathartic for all sides. For us, we got our feelings out and dealt with, for her, she was able to show us how carefully she was planning everything and how mature she was being. From that, we all moved on and were able to support her with all our hearts."

this is what i would have wanted when i became pregnant at 18 with ds1. i didn't want my arse wiped for me. i wanted to stand on my own two feet and do it myself but i wanted to know i had the support of my parents incase i struggled. i wanted to be able to feel that even if i did struggle i wasn't failing and that tehy weren't going to say "i told you so". i wanted them to trust me to be able to do it rather than expecting me not to be able to do it. i would have loved to have been able to sit down with them and talk through my plans so they could see i could do it instead of being dictated to as if i didn't have a brain in my head. as it was my parents didn't mention my baby until i was 7 months pregnant and after that it was to tell me what was happening. i would rather they had told me honestly how they felt rather than saying nothing and then me overhearing them talking about me.

foolserrand you sound like a fab SM anbd your DSD sounds like a credit to how you have raised her. i only wish i could have had support like you have shown and i hope OP can see a way forward that doesn't damage the relationship she has with her DD and her future grandchild.