Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

"She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life. "

no course sets anyone up for life. it is very naive to think she will walk out of uni and into a job for life

I just think it is extremely harsh to close your door to your own child when they need you the most. It is hard enough with a baby when you have money and a partner, even harder for a single parent on benefits, and what about the baby???

I just cant imagine ever turning away my daughter ever, and I know my mother would never turn me away either.

Is the college course something specific which cannot continue if she gets pregnant - thinking of the poster who said a dance school or something.

Is she definitely going to have the baby - is it absolute that she will not have an abortion?

I don't see why you should be all roses in the garden about this OP - of course you are worried and upset. I don't blame you for coming on here and venting. If it was my dd I certainly wouldn't be looking to embrace my grandchild, I would want to be pragmatic and present my dd with the cold, harsh truths of life.

Fact is - she is probably being very dreamy about what having a baby will entail. She is 18, in love and her head is in the clouds. She has no idea what teenage motherhood is likely to be like in reality, and it is very likely that the father will bugger off. This is the reality of teenage motherhood, and I don't blame you OP for feeling apprehensive that some of the responsibility of this is somehow going to be laid at your door. She does need to face reality and realise that this is not the best news in the world, and it is not something that is going to be embraced without a lot of practical thought.

Of course if you dd is hellbent on having the baby, you will have to support her emotionally. I do not think though that you should feel compelled to have her move back home. yes she is your daughter, and she always will be, but she is old enough to have made an enormous decision to keep her baby, so she should also stand on her own two feet.

I may be harsh, but I had dd when I was 17. She is marvellous and I have never regretted it for a second, however teenage motherhood is INCREDIBLY difficult especially combined with FT work and study, and I would not recommend it to anyone.

I think you are being a bit harsh considering that your daughter was taking precautions and this was an accident.

Also, if you found it tough being a young mum I think it would be odd if you didn't offer your DD all the support you can.

Well I had my first at 34 and I wish I'd done it much sooner. There are some benefits to having them young;
1- you will not be so damn tired as you are fitter
2 - your body recovers a bit better (more springy) as you still have half decent metabolism
3- you can start your career after you have kids and not end it due to severe disruption coming off the ladder half way through
4 - you will already be used to being completely skint
5- it is more likely your family will be able to help out, ie, less likely to be deceased or frail
6- you could be saving yourself thousands on IVF or having heartache at never having kids by leaving it too late

I'm sure there are probably more single young mums at a younger age but as the divorce rate is 50% or so, there is a reasonable chance of this anyway unfortunately...

No time is perfect IMO.

I wouldn't have looked if you hadn't mentioned it yourself Downnotout but I had a look at your previous thread about your daughter and her drug problem boyfriend which you posted a few months ago here and well... when that is the background, I would also be having a problem smiling six months later at 'guess what Mum, you're going to be a Granny!' (obv this is a different boyfriend, and this one does sound much better...). No wonder you feel fed up and worried.

Downandout your dd sounds quite a challenge for you, but you will get through this, and as someone above said, things do have a habit of working out. All credit to you that you have a good enough relationship for your dd to tell you, and well done for staying calm and supportive to her. Of course you are allowed to vent here.

Whoopeecushion your mum sounds amazing. I remember being very scared that I was pregnant when I was 18 but it would never have occurred to me to tell my parents. They were so happy that I was on the course I wanted - I was the first person in our family to go away to uni - I would have probably had a secret abortion and not made the right decision for myself.

As others have said above, it is now very possible to complete a course whilst pregnant - she has timed it fairly well with the baby due in the summer, after all! And with a little one to support, the course could be all the more valuable to her.

Wishing you all the very best.

I found out I was pg on my 20th birthday. I was terrified. My mum was not supportive and urged me to have a termination. I was a mess, i couldnt stop throwing up for days, felt like I wanted to die etc. You need to just put your feelings aside for a moment and support her. Its a young vulnerable age, and she needs to be supported to be able to cope with something that she probably feels like she will never be able to cope with. My DD is now 7mo and I am a great mum and coping just fine with the day to day mum things and the emotional baggage that goes with having your life turned upside down

Get her through this early part and then you can both sit down and sort out all those feelings. She is your daughter, you love her no matter what. Focus on that for now, the other stuff can wait.

For the record i think not having her at home is a good thing - I benefitted from standing on my own two feet - with my mum there I would have stepped back and let her take over. I had to get on with it and did and fell in love with my little girl. Also she can still do college. I know several young women who have done masters with young babies as single mums. The support systems are there - talk to the midwife, CAB look on the Gov. websites - todays world encourages young mums to push themselves into sucess, not hide away at home. She can do this with a little love and support.

sooty yes all the points you make are true, and I have benefited hugely from many of them, that said teenage motherhood is not ideal in any way shape or form.

As much as I love dd I wish I had waited until I was in my 30s before having a baby - it would have made me a far better mother imo.

From what the OP says re drugs etc, her daughter is in NO way mature enough to have a baby, and I totally understand her upset and frustration.

Downotout, after your last post I have to ask, are you sure she's pregnant? Could it be another of her games?

I passed my 'A' levels 6 months pregnant then delayed going to university until my son started school ( I remember us buying pencil cases together). I now have a wonderful life and went on to have 2 more sons. It was incredibly hard at the beginning but then nearly all mothers would say the same. I am sure you will support your daughter but you must be in deep shock at the moment.

Take a step back and maybe get a different perspective on things ....

Remember when you were TTC and hoping for children.

Remember having a girl, and perhaps some hopes that one day she might have a baby of her own, and you might be a granny.

It's just happening a bit earlier than either of you planned.

But that's life ! It doesn't go to plan for anyone.

Agree a bit with posters who've said your DD really needs you now.
Rise to the challenge !

HTH

WWYD ? Look after the baby as much as DD wanted me to.

i'm very glad my parents did wash their hands of me when i was 18.

wouldn't be where i am now

i am not saying that those who do choose to do that are wrong, it's just that by continuing to assist a child, grown up or not, does have a big impact on the future of their life, and that of any of their children.

i said before the OP is entitled to feel all sorts of emotions, and none are right or wrong, it's just that it si important for her to know that her interaction and support at this stage, whatever the outcome, will have a huge impact on the future for her daughter.

Did you mean "didn't wash their hands of you" Poppadum ?

I would look into whether whoever she is doing the course with are allowed to throw her out for becoming pregnant!!

Any chance of them marrying? It's not a bad life as an army life and they could live on camp. Also, she will have support if the worst should happen out in afghan

Feel awful typing that bit! Sorry If I'm speaking out of turn.

OMG LOL at those of you saying she should have a baby now as otherwise her fertility is going to let her down/her body is going to flop. There's an awful lot of years between 18 and the perimenopause.

Juggling I'm just saying that there have been times in my life, post-18, that i needed the emotional, practical and financial support of my parents and i'm glad they were prepared to do that.

"wash their hands" maybe was a bit strong as i realise that OP is not suggesting disowning her daughter or anything like that. but she is ruling out a return home which, if i was in her DD's position, would have been very hard for me.

sara, i've mentioned it twice. if you're a single mother and the father of your child is in the military, you have to at least have the conversation about marriage and be aware of the differences of having a partner in the military who you are never going to see, and having one down the road or in the next town that you can share custody with.

harsh but true.

don't know anything about the dd's background though. it may be that he isn't prepared to marry her, and will be collecting csa claims for the next ten years before he starts to marry.

You seem to be making this all about you.

I had my first baby at 17 and my Mum was like you are being now, she thought she was supportive but I could tell she was 'disappointed'. The only think she managed to do was drive a wedge between us.

Your DD was on Depo, so it sounds like she was taking responsibility - she doesnt sound reckless.

I'm thinking Norland - 2 years college, 1 year probationer NO chance of fitting a baby in to that.

But it's not the be all and end all. They offer an extra shiny certificate and a uniform but your big standard FE college will offer the same basic qualification.

i had a termination as a teen btw. i didn't bother to tell my parents. i didn't want a baby and had no intention of keeping it, so there seemed no point in upsetting the entire apple cart. i'm assuming the dd has already made up her mind she's keeping the baby, so it seems a bit daft to be trying to talk her into a termination.

she's an adult and capable of making her mind up (in theory. whatever her background and previous relationships, she's been living away from home and has a relationship, albeit short-lived, to a chap with a nice regular job, who isn't doing drugs... it sounds as though she's in the right place to make a decision, even if it was sooner than desirable.)

so positive stories are in order, rather than 'oh no her life is over' i think.

i'm sure i will be plenty melodramatic if it happens to my dd's (or to ds's gf). but i equally hope there's someone around big enough to say 'don't be so melodramatic'

On another thread the OP says her DD is at Uni, so maybe a 2 year uni course?

Op your being so negative .
The baby might just be the thing to make your dd grow up .

Thousands of women have babies very young and cope .
At least she's not with the junkie anymore , and the babys dad works !

Why can't your dd change her course and put the baby into childcare ? Then she could go back and do the original plan when the baby is a wee bit older and she's over the pg/ birth ?

So it will be a bit harder for her , but it's not impossible.

And there is no law that says you must babysit btw ..

Try not to worry , she will be ok .