Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

What is it your daughter wants? You haven't told us yet how she sees her situation and what she wants to do. Did she say she wants to move back in with you or are you just assuming?

The thing is, even if this ominous college course was her dream, is it still her dream now knowing that she won't be able to continue with a baby? Being pregnant is life-changing at any age, her outlook and priorities may well have changed or will change once she has thought all that through. I think there are plenty of woman who don't follow their dreams if it's not practical. I'm sure there's something else she'll want to do if she really has to give up what she's doing now.

As for the money you have already paid out for this course...it sucks! But at the end of the day, it's just money, which was presumably there or you couldn't have spend it. I think welcoming a grand-child is a way bigger deal and once you look into those eyes, all the "wasted" money will be forgotten.

Having said all this, I don't know your daughters background with drugs etc. This is just what I'd think if any "normal" teenager got pregnant. And 18 is really not THAT young, it could be worse.

I have no idea what the college course is, but here are some stats for my career - I can see why the OP is being a bit evasive. There are fewer than 500 women doing my job in the UK. There were over 20000 applicants for my job when I applied for it. I had to pass a stringent medical to start my college course, and still have to pass an annual medical now, going up to 6-monthly when I hit a certain age. Your medical is suspended the second you find out you are pregnant - no medical, no work! Provided I continue to pass the medical (and not be pregnant) I can do my very nice job. The college course is very intensive - far more intensive than the degree I did, it does not allow for breaks of longer than one week. Because of the course content, continuity is required and you can't just come back to it after a break. Extensive travel is required. The college only teaches one thing - they are not being discriminatory if they tell you you can't continue the course because you are pregnant, they are just being realistic. I AM set up nicely now, thanks. My salary puts me in the top 5% of earners in the UK, and that is after taking into account the fact that I only work part time.

Just because you can't imagine a career that needs you not to be pregnant at any point in the early years does not mean they don't exist. I can think of lots of specialist careers and college courses that could fall into this bracket - my own career of aviation, dancing, various equestrian careers, military specialisms, sports careers, etc. I can see why the OP is upset if it is a dream career.

But, if it helps her to see light at the end of the tunnel - my cousin, who has 3 children, graduates today. She fought back from a life-threatening injury, is bringing up 3 beautiful children, and has gained a degree in a very competitive field. She has started her Master's degree, and aims to run a very specialised business one day - and I am sure she will do it. She manages with a hugely proud and supportive family. It might not be where you saw your daughter going, but I am willing to bet that this pregnancy will have a far bigger impact on her life than on yours, and she is probably needing support and advice right now.

Been watching this for a while now, and have read the old stuff back in May too. madwoman has a fair point, about the special circumstances of your grandchild's father being in the forces.
And any college, even if it's teaching a course where pregnancy would prevent participation (eg. dance), ought to offer deferment of the place as an option. Threaten to write to your MP etc if necessary.
Can I just say how much I admire your daughter for being strong enough to get out of the previous situation. I know all about manipulative addicts through bitter personal experience with my brother.

if they kick her off the course, the portion of unused fees will be refunded ordinarily.

Op-I dont understand why you are so surprised your dd has ended up pregnant when you did exactly the same thing!

Of course the situation is far from ideal but if your dd has made the choice to have the baby then I believe you have to be as supportive as possible.

My mum had me when she was 20. I fell pregnant at 19. My mum freaked-threatened to kill herself,ended up in hospital and put me under so much pressure that I ended up having an abortion.

This abortion left me with a condition which then made it difficult for me to carry dcs and I have lost lots of babies. I am also a mum. Not saying this an anti abortion thing btw-I support a womans right to choice but I believe woman should be aware that some times abortions have far reaching consequences.

Please support your dd. My relationship with my mum has never recovered.

Also, can I just say that just because your DD is 18, doesnt mean she doesnt need you.

I am 20, and i have two beautiful DCs. I was 18 and just about to start a degree when I fell pregant with DC1. I didnt go ahead with the degree and got a part time job. I had DC1 and then got pregnant with DC2 5months later. DCs are now 19m and 5m and i couldnt be happier. Me and DP saved up and now own our own home. I have started a degree with the OU and I have a good job working with children with SN.

My mum was disappointed when I first got pregnant. Very recently, she said to me "I wanted you to live your life and i thought by having DC you were throwing your life away. I was wrong and you are most definately living your life".

There are occasions when I see photos of friends on facebook enjoying their student life and i do get jealous. But i dont know where i would be without my DC now.

I know im a good mum. And at the same time, I'm still enjoying my youth. I go out once a month and get horrendously drunk.

Your DD will be just fine. And if youre anything like my mum, you will LOVE being a granny :)

I appreciate you are shocked.

I really think you need to give your daughter a little credit. She's 18 - and living her own life. It might not be your or her original plan, but it's what's happening.

It is really not all doom and gloom - having a baby does not have to be the end of your life, and she doesn't have to give up her course (though I would advise at least a maternity leave break!).

Remember the good sides about having a baby? This will, after all, be your grandchild - are you not excited about that?

It would be illegal for them to ask her to leave simply on the grounds of her pregnancy. The press would also have a field day. Threaten them with that and make them defer her place until after the baby is born.

Sorry OP if I am being harsh but YOU ARE HER MOTHER and you are turning your back on her when she may need you MOST.

Firstly thanks to those who took the time to read the background on me and DD. second, I am not surprised she is pregnant but I am in shock at the consequences. That may sound odd but I know what I mean.

Yes she is determined to have the baby. We found out last night and she found out yesterday so she told us straight away.

Yes I admire her determination, I know I have not set the best example by getting pregnant at 18. But because I did I am coming at this from the point of view of someone who has been through it and knows how hard it is.

The military thing- yes again, I realise what this means. If they get married she will have some protection. But he is only 20 and admits to me he is very young and obviously did not plan this. He is a nice lad. Who knows if he will stick around in the long term. I have no animosity towards him.

Thanks also to those who seem to understand what I am saying about the college. She will not be able to or be allowed to continue. Someone hit the nail on the head. What I mean about it being specialist and throwing the opportunity away is that it offered her the option of being at the high end of her profession with a much better rate of pay than doing a similar course at the local tech. She would not be able to do her job or complete the course whist pregnant and if she chooses to carry on studying elsewhere the same doors will not be open to her.

I am feeling sorry for myself I know. Many of you have no sympathy with that it's clear. And I probably need that kick up the arse to revert back to protective mother mode and stop weeping over spilt milk. But having a DH who feels he wants to kill her and her brother who after last time- you know the story- wants nothing to do with her I have this voice inside me saying I can't deal with this anymore. And who else can I say this to- if not on here- ? I know what my roll is, I love her and always will, she knows that.

And I have never said that I was trying to force her into an abortion. I said I didn't want the responsibility of another baby.

A grandchild, yes. I'm afraid I do need time to digest that and be excited about it but I'm sure that will come when it all sinks in. I have also not said I wouldn't support her, just that her coming to live back here was not an option.

How is that turning my back on her?

Op-I understand that you are upset and that you want to vent but all the doom and gloom stuff just reminds me exactly of how my mum reacted. It really wasnt helpful.

Yes in the end I did what she wanted-got rid-but it made no difference. My mum made a big hoo-ha about me going to uni which I did. But now I am a sahm and she resents me for that! So I didnt live the life she wanted for me-tough shit.

Your dd sounds like she has been hard work with the drugs issues but remember children are a product of how they were brought up.

Move on. Your dd will sink or swim. You will be there regardless.

My dh was very angry at dd1 ,when he found out she was pg ...he calmed down and is now quite the doting grandad .

As for your ds , everybody makes mistakes in life , usually whilst being a teen , so although he's taken his stance with dd I think , somewhere in future he will soften towards her once he sees that she's came through a difficult stage in life .I'm sure she will be a nicer dd once her baby is here .

Vent away , we all come on mn at some point to have a tiny rant about something or other .and we all feel sorry for ourselves at least once in life !

Who knows what your dd will end up doing ? Maybe that course wouldn't have been the right thing for her anyway ...she might end up doing something she'd love even more instead .

Downnotout -I think I'd feel like you - you are entitled to feelings.

What you do is another thing but I don't think you should feel bad for feeling the way you do

Not allowing your dd to move back into your home is the right thing to do IMO .
She needs to establish her own home for her baby's sake.

It's not turning your back on her at all , but not allowing her a built in baby sitter .

Madwomanintheattic I have PM'ed you.

Sorry. I am just weary. Awake from 3.30am and unable to go back to sleep. Am now painting big smile on my face for imminent arrival of 9 yo DD2 from school. Don't want to tell her any of this just yet, it's such early days.

I was 26 when I found I was pregnant and the father didn't want to know, my mum took me in then and I stayed until my dd was nearly 3yo!

I think you are harsh to say she can't move back in with you tbh and I would like to think it would never come to that with my own dd, this is your grandchild after all.

I appreciate it is a shock but def not the end of the world and once the baby is born you will probably (hopefully) feel completely differently.

my dd had her first baby 6w before her 18th bday ,i stood by her 100% her little boy will be 2 in may shes a fab mum although we sometimes disagree infact shes pg again and due july :) its not the end of the world .and she wont be the first or last to have a baby at 18 enjoy your gc x

Has anyone mentioned abortion on this thread?

Is she adamant she won't consider it?

I really deeply feel for you op.

my dd never thought of an abortion last time or this time