Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

I'm guessing it musy be something to do with military or police or similar, Dooin.

Sorry, cross posted Downnotout. So she might need to study something else - find a university with a creche that isn't quite so... whatever this college she was going to was.

I had my first DC when I was 19 and although I now get on really well with my DF & DSM I will never forget them saying get rid and being so negative and unsupportive. Yes she's young but not ridiculously so and she can continue her course with love and support from you.
Get over your own prejudices and be a supportive mother.

Surely they are like workplaces and have laws against this sort of thing? I would imagine they'd have to offer her an alternative course or hold a place open for her after her baby has been born. They would not be allowed to punish her for becoming pregnant, surely?

They cannot just kick her out and then ask you to continue paying. I think you need to make an appointment to speak to her student advisor or whatever she has OP, to be clear on where you stand.

winny, I think you're probably right. I was thinking military as well.

Ask her where she plans to live, how she plans to support herself, what's going to happen with her career plans and what she intends to do for money.

She needs a reality check.

If she wants to continue the pregnancy she should continue it with her eyes open about the consequences.

I was thinking a dance school Winny.

Agree with puffin. She really needs to consider all the options.

I fell pregnant at 18, and gave birth when I was 19. I still managed to do a college course and get a good grade at the end.
My Exp left me a year ago (I'm nearly 21 now) and yes it's been hard, but I've been living on my own with DS in a private rented house, working part time & having a fantastic life with my son.
I'm moving back to my mums soon, only because she's mentally Ill & I need to care for her.

What I'm trying to say is that while it's a shock, your DD will be absolutely fine. I couldn't have done it (and still can't do it) without the support of my family. That's what she really needs.
Like others have said, you're going to having a grandchild. Start thinking of the positives.

I got pregnant at 18, was on my own as soon as I told DD's father who walked away. I managed to go to university with DD and do my undergraduate. Then an MSc. Am now working as a City lawyer. I promise you it's not the end of the world.

I don't know the specifics of your daughter's course or the feasibility of transferring to another course etc. But, you are her mother. This may not be what you want, but surely you must be able to provide her with emotional support and love? Of course the situation isn't perfect, but then again, things rarely are. She could have got married at 28, had a baby at 30 and everything can still fall apart.

Practically, what are the next steps? How far along is she? What is she entitled to, support wise, money wise? What childcare provisions are there? What role does the father and his family play?

You could look for placements in Mother and baby units - I lived in a Mother and baby unit when I had DD at 16yo. Although, these days, most places go to mothers that are UNDER 16yo. She si legally old enough to hold a Council Tenancy, and if she IS kicked out of College and asked to leave her student housing - she will be able to present herself to either the Council closest to her curent College ( if her partner has lived or worked in that area for more than 2 years), or to the Council local to where you live, as Homeless. She would have to go through (probably awful) temporary Accomodation before getting housed, but she will get housed. And at some point, she could re-apply for this College course.

Having a dc young does NOT mean that she has ruined her life - just that her life is taking a route that wasn't in the original plans. She can still be a wonderful mother even if she IS 'too young' in your eyes. She can still make a success of her life - many young parents do. She has a supportive partner, did (obviously) not fall pregnant intentionally, given the situation you have outlined (illness, antibiotics, operation), she is actually at an advantage over a lot of young parents in as much as she has what must be a reasonable education that is at a point where she could take a 'gap year' and then return to education after her baby is born.

The only input you really have is whether you are willing for your DD and your DGC to have to live in awful conditions in temporary accomodation until they get housed by the council, or if you are willing to have her back home if the worst DOES happen and she is asked to leave her College course AND her student housing.

on a desperately practical note, the bf that is going to 'stand by her' needs to clarify whether they will be married before he goes to afghanistan. of course there is no need for them to get married if they don't wish to, but life can be extraordinarily tricky for girlfriends with babies. if they are intending to be together, rather than just him paying maintenance or whatever, i would strongly suggest that they have a long discussion about the pros and cons of getting a marriage certificate.

no, this isn't an 'all pg women need husband' post.

this is a coldly practical note referring to what might happen in the future if he gets killed on active duty etc. the military are getting a little better with respect to common law, but the paperwork is much easier (as is qualifying for housing etc) if you have a marriage certificate. military couples are really the only ones who have to look at marriage in this light. romantic it ain't.

oh, and i had dd1 at university and got a first. don't be so melodramatic. (and dh was in kosovo at the time)

and at 18 i don't think there any military or police college courses that last two years (and you wouldn't be paying for them anyway) so i'm assuming this is a bog standard course at a bog standard college, where they will be (sadly) more than used to pg 18 yo's. (i was one myself - oh, and incidentally spent 16 years in the military) it's sad to have your dreams challenged, but life goes on/ is what you make it, etc etc etc.

and unless he's still in training, a trip to the registry office and shotgun wedding will sort out the housing situation. she'll be stuck wherever he's currently posted, of course. but if they are intending to stay together, that might be what she wants?

I had my dd at 20 when I was at uni. I managed fine, but was completely devestated by my parents reaction, they turned their back on me completely for the whole of the pregnancy, I've never really forgiven them for that. I think by the sounds of it you support your dd financially, which may actually mean it is harder for her to carry on her course. As I recieved no financial help from my parents I was entitled to certain grants and help with childcare. I don't know, as a supported student, if she'd be entitled to the same, and tbh I'd understand you not wanting to take responsibility for her choice in that way. But please, please, treat her like an adult and make it clear it is her decision. She'll be devastated enough without having your disappointment in her weighing on her shoulders too.

I am saying these things here because outwardly I am trying to be calm and supporting and realistic because everyone else is emotionally charged. Of course I haven't said all this to DD.

It appears that I should get a grip and not be allowed to be upset or scared for her. I too was only 19 when I had my first child. When me and the father split up I had a difficult time coping on my own. Maybe she won't. Maybe everything will be fine. It's just I'm in shock and I needed to tell someone how I felt.

Oh and it wasn't a case of me and DH wanting to " put our feet up". I know my daughter. She is manipulative and constantly emotionally blackmails me. Every problem for her is massive. I wrote on here a few months ago about her running off with a boy, who was into drugs, her pawning all her possessions, lying to us about being on drugs and blackmailing us into giving her money to pay his dealer. I supported her then, as I will now, and she got through it, we got through it. I'm just saying that I am struggling to come to terms with it.

I think we really need to know what this college course is that won't allow her to continue with a baby. I'm kind of guessing a dance school but I fail to see how that would have "set her up for life".

OP - I know this is a shock for you but you have to realise that you (as a family) are where you are and you can only move forwards, not backwards. Essentially, this is done, you have to all pull together to do the best you can.

I rang my mum up when I was 18 and at university, worried that I had accidentally got pregnant. I was worried and upset and my mum simply said to me not to worry and whatever happened, we would deal with it together. As it happened, I wasn't pregnant, but my mum was there for me and you need to be there for your daughter.

Just another thing to add: you are her mother for life. You don't get to resign when she turns 18. She needs you.

haven't read all the posts, but she is your daughter and she is carrying your grand child!!! why can't she move back in with you? I am sure it is a bit of an inconvenience but she needs you. That is the bottom line. I am sure it will be hard, but you should help her to get back on her feet. There are much worse things in life than a baby.

" She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing."

Why? Why does she have to leave college?

i know.
but as well as coming to terms with it, you need to be desperately practical. because if he's also young and currently enjoying a single life in the military (and believe me, i know how that goes) then you are going to need to prompt dd to have those discussions with her dp. due to his lifestyle, she needs to know EXACTLY what form the 'standing by you' is going to take.

is she going to be a single parent? or is she going to be a military wife, in military housing or civilian housing, with a sometimes absent dh (so sometimes single parent?) it will make a lot of difference to her housing situation and support networks. military bases have very low cost creches, mums and tots groups etc, but aren't usually conducive to travel to a decent uni.

if he's a single chap in the forces, he may not be thinking in terms of his pg gf. and someone needs to.

Fwiw, to all those sayign your responsibility deosn;t end at 18 and to let her back. I wouldn't let my dd move back in with me if she was pregnant and had moved out either. That's part and parcel of her decision if she decides to go ahead with the pregnancy imo. And yes, harsh, but I wouldn;t have even dreamed of asking my parents to have me back when I had my dd. If she wants to have the baby, she does have to understand that she is on her own in that respect. I don;t see anything wrong with that.

When I saw the title of this thread OP, I half expected it to be written by a mum of a 14 year old. I am sorry for your situation and have no experience or advice really, but at least your dd is an adult. She is healthy. It is difficult, but there are far worse things could have happened. Good luck to you all.

I don't think we need to know what college course it is if the OP feels it might 'out' her. It sounds odd, but I'll take her word for it.

I understand you needing to vent Downnotout. It sounds like there are problems with your daughter, and if this previous relationship of hers you posted about before was only a few months ago... Of course you are upset and scared for her. How exactly does she see this playing out? Is she expecting to live with you? What does she want to happen?

I don't think the OP is being melodramatic, her disappointment is completely reasonable. A baby at 18 with no means of supporting yourself is a terrible idea. Of course, if she would rather opt for that terrible idea than an abortion, that's her choice. But heck, give the OP a break.

And those of you saying "I had a baby at 18 and then went to Oxford to read PPE before becoming PM" you are unusual. Well done all of you, but what about all the other teenage mums who aren't so lucky.

Ugh.

Perhaps it's a Norland Nanny type thing?