Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

I was 23 when I got pregnant I was a 'mature' student at uni my bf at the time wasnt interested and I was a single mum to be by 6 weeks pg.

My parents said that they felt disappointed for me BUT that they would much rather have a phone call from me saying that I was pregnant then a phone call from the hospital that I had been in a car accident. You need to put this in perspective it is hard being a single mum but I knew I would prefer to have a baby then than reach the age of 35 and have had a good career, financially stable but not be able to have a child.

Your daughter will need your support I ended up very ill with hyperemesis which I think the main cause was stress. I urge you to clear your diary this week and go and stay with her even if she says that she doesn't want you too. Its very, very scary being pregnant, away from home and that your family feel let down

There is actually something else I am worried about.

She had 3 lots of different anti biotics. Which I think is probably why this happened. But also an operation on adhesions to her womb from previous surgery that was causing twisting and abdominal pain, general anaesthetic, anti sickness drugs for a week, morphine, anti blood clotting injections and ultrasound scans- ok I know that's safe but what about the rest of it?

All this in what must have been early days. Should any of this be something to worry about or at least get checked out?

' A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.'

Neither do you, a baby is until they are 18 and then you withdraw support?
She has behaved stupidly, as has her boyfriend. They could do with some more mature and practical advice from someone.

I don't see that you can say a young woman has behaved stupidly if she becomes pregnant especially when that's because her contraception let her down.

No contraception is 100% effective.

But I agree with your other point Riverside - a baby really is forever !

OP my ds3 was 18 when his gf announced she was pg. I was also gutted and knew his life would not be as it would have been without a baby.
I was a teen Maum myself so knew what they had to face.
It was very hard at first and i could hardly talk about it for a few days.
Thre one thing i didnt want was them presuming they could all live here.
I have been a single Mum for many years and had jut remarried and was finally enjoying having company and doing things with dh and my dd who was 5.
The thought of having 2 adults and a baby here when id only just started to have some lie ins,rebuild my career and have ahouse free from baby paraphinalia.
I told them they needed to look into finding a home and so did her Mum who felt the same.
Once the shock had dies down we all clubbed together and helped them prepsre to be parents.She tried to stay at uni but couldnt manage it.He gave up his dreams of dancing and got a proper job.
It was all very sad but we wouldnt be without their son now,he is a delight and they both enjoy him immensely.
Dil law is agreat friend to me and i love her dearly.
They did split up but have remained friends and share the care of their son and are great parents.
All you can really do is make the best of it,a baby is never a bad thing and for many is a positive change in their life.
I was a bit off the rails when i had my ds at 17 but it made me grow up and i did my nurse training whilst bringing him up alone.
Good luck to you all.

Downnotout It's really nice to see you raising these concerns about your daughters well-being in your last post.

I don't know what to suggest about that, except that it would be good to mention it in a caring way with your daughter, and perhaps she will talk with someone about any concerns she has during her ante-natal care over the next weeks and months.

Most antibiotics are safe in pregnancy and the main ones I can think of that are used post op will be. Having a ga is safe in pregnancy, they prefer not to do it in late pregnancy but there are plenty of pregnant women who need ops and have ga.
Anti blood clotting infections are also safe As are anti sickness drugs and morphine and ultrasounds.
Pulling about on the womb could potentially be a bit dodgy but it sounds like she wasn't actually pregnant then but got pregnant after the op when she was taking all these drugs? Anyway if she's pregnant then she's pregnant and the op obviously hasn't caused any problems.
But if you're worried see your gp to ask about the specific drugs.

Are you for real? You can't possibly have her back, selfish selfish.

What about his use of contraception?
Relying on only one form is not sensible, especially if it can be adversely affected by other medication, vomiting or absent-mindedness. Or is not guaranteed 100% effective at all times.
Odd that the OP did almost the same thing though, and is cross with her daughter.

I'll certainly join you in shaking your head - My bf got pregnant at 18. When she realized she was on her own, ie not living with parents, but just with boyfriend, she decided on an abortion. 24 years later she says it was absolutely the right decision.

When I was 28 I got pregnant & was living at home but owned a flat which I rented out. My mum stated that she thought I should move to my flat if I decided to keep the baby. I also had an abortion. 14 years later, no regrets.

Absolutely you have to wrench those rose tinted glasses off her, having a baby with a full time partner is hard enough. She's 18, tell her how great it'll be to have a baby AFTER education, in her own home.

Good luck to you all

bibbitybobbity says such lovely, intelligent things.

Just a bit of support for you, Downnotout. I'm still a few years away from these kind of worries but, if I'm honest with myself, I think I'd be extremely disappointed as well.

College will not kick her out unless they want to fall spectacularly foul of the Equalities Act.

And for those speculating it might be military or police, we don't actually charge people £4k a term to train for the services in this country, we pay them.

Thank you MrsJAP.

I admit I might not be completely happy about it if my DD was 18. But the word "disappointed" ?

It just seems as others have said so 1950s - Victorian even.

You're not disappointed that your daughter has a relationship with a young man that you like, so is it fair to be disappointed if it happens that her contraception fails and she becomes pregnant ?

Just feel there's a lot of muddled thinking and guilt from another era involved here.

better to have one more than one less.

help her, be there for her, love her and the baby.

Having a baby young is NOT the end of her life. It doesn't have to mean a lifetime of being on benefits even if it happens in the immediate future. She will become more mature and focused.

Yes, I gave up my degree and took home a DipHE instead, yes I had to move back home to live with my parents and brother who had downsized due to dads illness so we had 4 adults and a baby in a 2 bed house, yes I now live in a council flat and yes I live on benefits. Yes its hard being a single parent and doing all the night time things alone. All of the things that I never wanted.

But regardless of this my daughter and I are happy, we are healthy and she is the best thing to happen to me. If she is sensible with money she wont struggle too much on benefits it helps if she has a bit of saving to put towards furniture. She can go back to college and retrain at a later date more andmore people are mature students. However, I never left my daughter with my parents she was my daughter and my responsibility and I have only now, shes 2 started letting my parents baby sit her during the day to give me a rest although they wanted to long before this.

She like me will probably have a lot of issues dealing with the loss of her possible future and potentially living on benefits but these things are set up for those that make mistakes and there is no dishonour taking them up temporarily if and when you need them it is those that abuse the system that give it a bad name.

Although its hard to see now you will have a beautiful grandchild to dote after who will probably become the apple of your eye.

I was thinking about this as I walked the dog. If it were my daughter I'd love and support but only if she wanted me to and respected me for that help. I'd not offer it with major nasty conditions but I would expect the teenage stroppiness to stop and want to have a happy house. If she couldn't do this she'd be helped to find her own accomodation - still loved and supported but both of us recognising that the time for living together was over.

I think you've been given a hard time here OP. I am 100% sure you love her and want the best for her ....and are being really honest about your own feelings of dismay at the consequence for you and WTF shouldn't you be allowed feelings!

You and your DD will muddle through and be fine

There is certainly muddled thinking. And I said the disappointment is for her not IN her. I have met the boyf twice. She has known him 4 months so I didn't think it was so serious yet.

Willowisp. Thank you I think. I presuming you are joining me in shaking my head and not starryeyed1 who is shaking her head at me.

Yes I am airing my selfish thoughts on here because I cannot air them in reality.

Op, I think you are voicing completely normal feelings. I was the dd who got pregnant at 19. It was really tough. I like all the positive stories but it's not that easy for the majority of young mums. I don't think you should have to bring up another child. I don't think you're selfish for saying that. Your dd is 18 and needs to take responsibly for herself. Living with you may not be possible, she has to understand that.

I understand why you're disappointed. Please don't feel guilty. It's because you know the challenges that lay ahead for her, for many years.

Feel free to vent here. I know that when it comes to it you will look to the good side and support your dd and grandchild. Best of luck

OP, I think you are being incredible reasonable and very human. I cannot understand why anyone would give you a hard time about what you've said.

Do other poster's really think this would be what they'd want for their child? I wouldn't. Not because it would be the end of their world or mine but because I'd know what they'd be missing out on. Not hypothetically missing out on but actually missing out on. Not so much terrible as just a Real Shame.

My early twenties were OK, but they'd have been made a lot worse by having a baby with a guy I'd met 4 months previously.

I would be very surprised of the college kicked her out for being pregnant, it is fairly common now. Also as stated above it would be against the equalities act. The only kind of course I can see being an issue is if it is something physical ie athletics, equestrian etc but then my friend did a degree in sports science and got pregnant in the first year, she completed the course with support from OH, parents and family.

Coud you say what industry it is? You never know someone on MN might be in the same area and be ble to help, have advice on what to do if she wants to carry on.

Yes, I am completely supporting you & as I understand it, this place is somewhere you should be able to be honest & talk openly.

Going back to me (!) I think in the back of my mind I thought my mum would look after the baby....when she made it clear that wasn't her intention, it made my decision easier. I also wanted to bring my child up in their own home with a dad that loved him/her. Not on benefits, living from hand to mouth - I'd already been there.

Tell her there's a big old world out there, waiting to be discovered, plenty of time for settling down & having a family

Might be worth sitting down with her & writing a list of pros & cons, help her seeing it in black & white.

Once again, best of luck.

I was in this position as a teenager and will always be grateful for the way my parents supported me and never said anything bad at all. I did have the baby and she is now a teenager. I am still with the father although it as rocky at first as we were just kids. Please be supportive, you wil not regret it. No matter what you think to yourself, don't say anythign negative. Hope all works out well.

I just thought it was worth reposting this:

"Backinthebox Fri 18-Nov-11 15:41:08
I have no idea what the college course is, but here are some stats for my career - I can see why the OP is being a bit evasive. There are fewer than 500 women doing my job in the UK. There were over 20000 applicants for my job when I applied for it. I had to pass a stringent medical to start my college course, and still have to pass an annual medical now, going up to 6-monthly when I hit a certain age. Your medical is suspended the second you find out you are pregnant - no medical, no work! Provided I continue to pass the medical (and not be pregnant) I can do my very nice job. The college course is very intensive - far more intensive than the degree I did, it does not allow for breaks of longer than one week. Because of the course content, continuity is required and you can't just come back to it after a break. Extensive travel is required. The college only teaches one thing - they are not being discriminatory if they tell you you can't continue the course because you are pregnant, they are just being realistic. I AM set up nicely now, thanks. My salary puts me in the top 5% of earners in the UK, and that is after taking into account the fact that I only work part time.

Just because you can't imagine a career that needs you not to be pregnant at any point in the early years does not mean they don't exist. I can think of lots of specialist careers and college courses that could fall into this bracket - my own career of aviation, dancing, various equestrian careers, military specialisms, sports careers, etc. I can see why the OP is upset if it is a dream career."

Just supposing this college course is similar to Backinthebox's career, then pregnancy at this stage would preclude the OP's DD from continuing in her course regardless of the Equalities Act - but the college may have to offer her a deferred place in respect of that Act so that would be worth checking, Downandout