Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

Ettiketti - don't beat yourself up. Sometimes people in your life are just so destructive that it becomes impossible for you to allow them to continue being part of it. The one thing I have learnt over the years is that you can't change someone. You only control your own actions and reactions.

It is possible to still love that person whilst hating them and the most difficult thing of all is to let them go. Because then every tiny bit of hope you had that things will change, that you still maybe able to influence them in someway is taken away. You cling on to the thoughts of what might have been and the memories of how things once were. And you feel guilt, that you must be responsible in some way for how it all turns out.

To admit that you feel this way about your own child is very difficult indeed. Because it goes against our basic mother instinct. I feel I have failed. And my world is that much more sad and empty that she's gone. But I also feel relief that I have made the decision to stop chasing around trying to save that little girl who does not exist anymore. Sometimes I think I don't know her at all but really I know her inside out, I know how her mind works and what she is capable of, which is why I was so devastated when I thought she was pregnant. It would have destroyed us.

You are not alone, as I have found out. Sometimes just being able to admit how you feel is enough to give you the strength to face another day.

I suppose as there are toxic parents in the world, it follows that there are toxic children as well. Not all toxic people have become that way because of their own upbringing - some people seem to be naturally wired in a very self-centred way, regardless of upbringing, which is why you sometimes get one selfish one, where the sibling(s) are fine.

It's much harder to force yourself to cut contact with a toxic child though - my MIL can't do it with BIL, however bad he is. :(

Ettiketti - I hope your daughter gets a place soon and leaves your family home in peace - and I hope once she's gone there is some chance that you may be able to have a reasonable relationship.
DNO - I hope you have a nice time away, regardless of what is going on here while you're gone.

Very moving post from you there DNO - so sad. But do remember that it is very possible that there is nobody to blame for this, neither you nor your daughter. It may be that she has a mental health disorder which needs sorting out. Whatever it is, you have had to reject her to protect yourself and the rest of the family. At least that way, when she does come into your lives again, you will be strong enough to help her.

I speak as the daughter of parents who tried to 'fix' their son, it ended up doing him more harm than good.

Dear all,

Just a quickie to thank everyone who has taken the time to wade through this thread and to respond.

Your support has really helped me through the last few weeks. All packed now and off in the morning.

Wishing you all a very, merry Christmas xx

Have a wonderful holiday x

Downnotout - have a good holiday and Christmas - I hope that things are different with your DD1 when you get home (different better, of course).
(((hugs)))

Have a lovely, relaxing holiday. :)

Bon voyage!

I ave a 17 year old son who is going to be a father, he will be 18 when the baby arrives,the new mum to be will be 17 when baby arrives I was wondering if anybody else has a similar experience with a young set of parent to be.

probably best to start your own thread so you get more responses wellhowdoyoudo

Have sent you a personal message, wellhowdoyoudo.

Hi, I completely sympathise with you, our daughter had a baby a year ago aged 17. I have an older child and a 10 year old too. She moved out briefly with her bf but has come back home, she is here until she is able to move out again hopefully this year. if you want to email me let me know, I know exactly how you feel, I feel the same, a complete mixture of guilt, loss etc..baby has been here a year now and that has helped but let me know if you need to chat good luck and very best wishes x

haven't read all the posts - just the first few pages - but I would be absolutely gutted if either of the DDs (21 and 18) got pregnant.I am still raising DC3 aged 10, and have no desire to be "made" a grandmother against my will. Actually, I would be more than gutted. I would be bloody furious.
I would help financially where I could, obviously, but damn sure i wouldn't be ditching my hard won career (which was on hold while I raised the DDs) to be a glorified babysitter while the DD got on with her life! harsh? Yes. Real life? yes.

Downnotout, hope you enjoyed your break away.

Rose - there isn't a baby - just an astonishingly manipulative daughter who seems to have pretended to been briefly pregnant on the way to do yet more astonishing things.

Downnotout I read the entire thread today, and am amazed at your strength. You are phenomenal! I've been ttc and am seriously freaked out at how horribly wrong it can all go - but you have dealt with it really generously and calmly. I do hope that your holiday away has helped you and DH replenish. Your DD2 sounds fantastic, btw, and a real testament to the good parenting you did.

It could well be that after living on her own for a bit DD1 becomes less .... extraordinary. I do hope so, and that you can make it up in future years and that things will be good.

X

Downnotout - just popping in to say I hope you had a nice trip away and I hope your Christmas and New Year went as well as they could.

I also hope that 2012 brings some maturity to your DD1 and that you can maybe patch up relations with her.

Hope DD2 is all right as well. xx

all the best for 2012 dno

If your daughter is self-sabotaging I suspect that this is a reaction to how you have brought her up.

Self sabotage can be a natural result of the idea formed in childhood that nothing is ever good enough for your parent(s).

I don't think for a minute that you tried to give your daughter this idea in childhood or that you realised how harmful it might be. Your behaviour to her now she is an adult however does send out exactly the same message - to live her life your way or else to be cut off from emotional and financial supprt.

I think your parenting choices in this situation are certainly not helping your dd. You don't need to provide financial support, but your dd is crying out, nay screaming out, for emotional support that you are unable or unwilling to give her. That support is not about telling her or trying to control her. I suspect that your dd doesn't feel listened to, even if you think that you do listen to her. You seem like stangers at the moment to each other and you must accept your part of the responsibility for this situation.

Your dd very much needs you right now and I think it is a shame for you both if you are unable to be the mother she needs you to be at the moment. do you have a good counsellor who could help you?

DNO, I hope you had a lovely break. Wishing you a much less fraught 2012 :)

Essential I have reported your post as it is spectacularly vile and unhelpful.

It wasn't a vile post, simply a different perspective.

I am suggesting that adult behaviour is often linked to the experiences of the person as a child and of how they experiences their relationships with the parent(s). This is a view held by many people.

This way of looking at things may generate different solutions to those on offer here to date since it doesn't seem to have all been resolved to the satisfaction of all parties.

What I think has happened on this thread is a general vilifying of the OP's daughter who is not here to put her own story of course.

So you felt like putting the boot into the OP in her place, did you EFA? Because, whether you believe it or not, that's exactly the way your post has come across.

Can't actually see what different solution you have come up with, other than to tell the OP that actually it's all her fault and she's done it all wrong. Nice.