Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

Hi DNO - as you say the kindest thing to do is to let her fall - and the hardest thing to do.

Please try to ensure that there are some kind of support services there for her to take your place. I remember my mother frequently having to admit my brother to hospital against his will - it was traumatic, but she knew his behaviour was beyond his or her control, and only specialist support would work. Taking the family out of the equation enabled him to see where he fitted into the world.

Have a good holiday and try to avoid feeling guilt - or blame.

haddock, in fairness I don't recall too many "cries of mental health issues" until the latest hospital-visit drama, which does seem really very extreme and was done prior to knowing her sister needed to go to hospital as well, so couldn't be said to be a reaction to that. Prior to that, I think most people were just thinking "selfish entitled little madam" as well.

Yes this thread has mostly been about showing support to mother and almost none to the daughter. Let's hope that daughter actually is a selfish entitled madam and when help is withdrawn she too will simply grow up just like Haddock did.

When the person we're talking about is 19 years old it is very difficult to say whether this is a result of self-destruction, attention-seeking, poor self-esteem, selfishness, drugs, family dysfunction, mental health, bitchiness or greed. I think it is also right that her mental needs are considered, as much for OP's sake as for her daughter's. Whatever the answer, OP will forever be the one picking up the pieces on an emotional level.

Sadly, the only "support" she wants at the moment is from a very small group of people who are egging her on and share her indignation at our harsh treatment of her. Anyone who might have challenged her or shared our views, ie the people who love her or care about her, she has cut out completely.

Of course, she would like our support financially, and she would like us to support her emotionally, as long as we agree with her.

I think the talk of MH issues is well meant, and, as I have said, do agree to a point. But I don't mean she needs sectioning, just that I suspect there is more to it than just being a little madam. I had a year of counselling with a psychologist in my 30's, when I was ready to deal with my issues. I had Prozac for 6 months and I remember thinking "so this is what it feels like to be normal!"

She has never had keys for the house, so no need to change the locks. She knew where we kept a key outside though so we've brought that in. Someone will be coming in everyday to feed the cats and DS only lives a few minutes away in case of any dramas.

I have a 20yr old DC and several friends with similar age girls. This sort of hysterical manipulative behaviour does seem to be prevalent amongst the girls and how extreme they take it depends on how much they can get away with it.

The 'friends' are obviously enjoying the drama and have nothing to gain from helping her avoid it.

When one of my daughters came around and apologised and settled, a 'friend' threw a huge temper tantrum. DD couldn't understand why her friend did not want her to be reconciled with me...

Of course your fear is that DD will be 'off the rails' forever. But she won't.

When her 'friends' have had enough she will come back pleading for sympathy from you. Perhaps that will be the time to send her to get outside help.

I really do feel for you. I hope you have a good break.

Toothbrush it does worry me how prevalent this behaviour is - I make the mistake of watching 'The World's Strictest Parents' and it is terrifying. My youngest watches it as well and I'm hoping that she's learning the right thing from it!

I think everyone else hopes that there are absoultely no MH issues but desperately trying to run off a boy/get married etc etc is quite extreme even by the standards of mose divas. I think it's just something to keep on the back burner.

My personal belief stemming from my life experiences is that how your behaviours and emotional reactions are handled when you are very young can lead you into such self-destructive behaviours you do end up with MH issues. That may not be down to bad parenting, people are unique and the best way to handle one personality doesn't suit another.

Also how much of it is down to genetics you are predisposed to get MH issues (even if it's just depression) and then life tips the balance for you one way or the other.

This is extreme boundary pushing or perhaps desperately wanting evidence of her parents unconditional love, the question could be why doesn't she feel loved, why is the support they have always shown her not enough? It could be just extreme self centredness, could be something happened that her parents don't know about, could be that regardless of how well that love is shown she has an unusual perception of things that means 2,000% evidence would never be enough.

I'm hoping she's a drama queen and that she grows up - quickly!

Down not out, enjoy your break and let's hope your son-in-law is a lovely bloke who quickly sees you for the loving family you are.

I mean precisely that, the cries of MH since the last drama.

If I was a betting lady, I'd bet that the latest hospital BS is because she hasn't got the reactions she was expecting to her marriage plans etc. She's gone back to the last point in her relationship with the parents that garnered the most attention.

Not MH issues, in fact far from it. Just an intelligent girl "stamping her feet" in frustration at the lack of attention.

LOL - I went through this to a far lesser extend with my eldest, different nightmare when you have seperated parents and one of them is completely taken in by the acting

Haddock, psychologists use the term 'self-sabotaging'. It can be a symptom of underlying MH issues.

Is there any news?
I hope DNO and her family are having a lovely time in Tenerife...

My heart aches for you Downnotout as we have been through every last thing you have with the exception of marriage. Sadly my dd manipulated her way back into the family home after 6 months living with a bf and terrorises the whole family on a daily basis. I wish I had a hard enough heart to wash my hands of her, but I can't do it and this frustrated me constantly. I despise her for what she's done to us over the years, but love her as shes my dd. It's hard for me to say much as it hits too many nerves, but wanted to add my support and wishes for a happy ending.

Fwiw you're a kinder person than me, my dd marrying and moving far away is my dream :( I hate myself for feeling this way.

EttiKetti - hugs . How dreadful for you .
I know that feeling of loving them but absolutely hating what they do .
Torture .

No advice ,but hang on in there and be nice to yourself ,don't compare yourself to others - everyone's circumstances are different .
We just do our best .

Ahh Ettiketti - you poor thing! :( But why can't you throw her out? I know you say you can't harden your heart against her, but why not? Have you other children who are suffering because of her?
My mum threw my sister out when she got unbearable (although to be fair that was pretty much a joint decision - Mum told her to get out and she said "fine, I don't want to stay anyway") - they patched up their relationship pretty quickly once they weren't living in the same house.

Thank you so much for responses, I don't want to hijack and don't post about it too much. She's on the eating list for a room in a shared house with an agency that helps teens locally but turned one down so a long wait. I also eat myself up that she can't afford to live independently, but then when she's as bad as she has been again of late I think So What.
Far too much history to start now, and part of my latest coping mechanism is to try ignore it all as even typing about it makes,me stressed. Both she and I have v recently started full time work so I'm really hoping eventually this will help....god knows why or how but....yes two primary children who are very much affected. We've done family therapy, family mediation, counsrlling, psychologists.....I've learned a lot about parenting and how to be a better parent, its helped ME, but she's never learned how to be a better child as the onus is always put on us to change, we are seen as at fault as she's only a child. I've a month guard as I grit my teeth so much!!!!!!

Please excuse typos!

Ettiketti- you have put into words how I feel. I really do despise her. I read back my OP and I can see how it seemed harsh at the time, but people did not know the background and I did.

I hoped that when she went to college that she would never come back, that she would be off our hands forever. I had already given up on her and just yearned for the time that she would leave us alone. That is the first time I have admitted that, because I know it's a terrible thing to say about your daughter. When I thought she was pregnant I felt like she had snatched away any chance of having a bit of time for myself, because I could envisage the problems to come. She has drained the very life out of me and now I think my heart is turned to stone. :(

There is no news, and as far as I'm concerned, no news is good news. I have to protect the others in the family who are blameless in all this. We're not away yet (Sunday!!!) but I'm busy getting sorted out and trying very hard not to think about how I will feel on Monday when DD gets married.

just spotted the festive smileys!

Downnotout

I have read this whole thread, and I am so sorry for you and your whole family, including both your daughters.

I just wanted to pick up on something you said way back - that you were worried that history is repeating itself, and dysfunction is passing from your mum through the generations of your family. I wanted to say that although this can happen, it does not have to. You are not your mum. You do not have to parent like your mum. Your daughter is not you. Her strengths and faults are all her own.

Why does she have to stop college? If it's a very physical course can she take a year out?
We had a creche in my school and nobody missed an exam or anything.

A baby isn't the end of the world, nor a life sentence for poverty and benefits: it's a new life. I'm sure your 18 year old will handle herself very well indeed.

Congratulations Grandma.

Sorry didn't see there were 6 pages. X posts I think...

Her strengths and faults are her own

YES.

What you, and Ettiketti have articulated about your daughters, I was finally able to admit to feeling about my sister 5 years ago. Through a horrendous and untrue accusation of someone in my family, she essentially divorced herself from all of us. I've not had contact with her in 5 1/2 years. And I don't miss her at all. If I never see her again, that's all right. I hated her the time, now I think I'm indifferent. I wouldn't want horrible things to happen to her, but as long as she leaves us alone, I don't care how and where she is.

It takes a lot to cause someone to feel that way about someone they're meant to love.

It's not a fault in either of you that you feel the way you do. It's your daughters' fault that they've caused you to feel that way. There is a big difference.

DNO - wishing you a safe and wonderful trip, and a happy Christmas by yourselves.

Jacksmania and Downnotout, thank you. I can't tell you how it feels to know I'm not alone. That how I feel doesn't make me the only mum in the world to feel this way.

I don't know anyone in real life who has any issues remotely like ours with dd and they all listen open mouthed when I just touch the surface of what we go through. I'm just waiting patiently for her to leave and live alone. I fear she will self destruct, but its way beyond my control now.